ON THE STREETS IN CultMTL!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Fucking Lac Megantic, man. Fucking Lac Megantic. Jesus. Why are they even carrying that much FUEL through these places? Business before safety. Money before people. This world has gone to hell and there’s no coming back. That is the tragedy they don’t write about. [BLEEP!]

M Hey you BLOW DEALERS in the city got to change your cut up when it gets humid like this in Montreal. You guys sell that sticky icky shit—if I want sticky icky, I’ll smoke some weed. I want to get up, so I would really like to find something that can be crushed down into a powder and SNORTED. Instead, most of the shit in town has to be sat down with, with a knife, fork and a BIB, like eating a meal at a table. Chopping a line is impossible—if I want to play with fucking Play-Doh, I’ll buy some Play-Doh. Change the cut. Or better yet, stop cutting your shit at all. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah this is for the asshat bitch who said I was a chumpass for getting a TICKET for riding on the sidewalk in old Montreal. Well honey, I don’t think you bicycle down here on Notre Dame street, and I don’t think you know what the fuck you’re talking about. Get on your bicycle, come down into the southwest RUTS and try and find a bike path! All you’ll see is cars speeding and bombing down Notre Dame. But you probably don’t know that because you are some yuppie up in the Plateau or some other side of the mountain. Wench. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, so I know we are all getting bike tickets from these STUPID COPS, so I think that every cyclist who gets a ticket should contest it. So that way the cops get, like, full of contested tickets and they won’t know what to do with it and we’ll all get off, like, SCOT-FREE. And on another note, I saw the Suuns at the Jazz Fest, and, like, where the fuck has this band been my whole life? If you haven’t heard of them, you need to check them out. They’re amazing. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hey… when’s the Fringe fest? [BLEEP!]

F I’m sitting on a terrace on St. Denis, and there is a person also on this terrace whose JEAN SHORTS are not only too loose around the thigh, but also have a huge HOLE in the front, and my boyfriend can’t keep his eyes off her cunt, which she is repeatedly showing off every time she moves. It’s inappropriate on both their parts. From what I can tell, one of them is going to be getting fucked soon, but it won’t be my boyfriend. [BLEEP!]

M I’m sitting with my girlfriend on a terrace on St. Denis, and I am not looking at this chick’s cunt at all, despite what you may have been told a few moments ago. I just pointed out to my girlfriend that it was pretty much out, no underwear, and possibly SUNTANNED, as though it spends a lot of time being out. So my girlfriend needs to calm down and not try to blame me for some other person’s indecency happening to be in my field of view. Bye now. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. I am looking for some psychological advice. Not for myself. And not so much advice or rather some input into a very specific question that I have to ask. When we see MENTALLY ILL people of every stripe walking around talking to themselves, it is pretty much normal behavior. Normal abnormal behavior, if you will. You know, the guy muttering and swearing, maybe he’s psycho, maybe he’s just really drunk. But why is that when I see mentally ill STREET PUNKS, whether they are squeegee guys or workaday beggars, they scream death metal lyrics? That seems to be mostly what I hear from those individuals—it seems to be Norwegian death metal sounds. Why do they choose this to project their insanity? Let me know. [BLEEP!]

M There’s a maniac woman three floors down and I keep hearing her screaming “IT SMELL LIKE A DICK! IT SMELL LIKE A DICK!” Like every thirty seconds for past 15 minutes at least. IT SMELL LIKE A DICK! And I don’t know what smells like a dick, and I don’t even know if a dick has a smell, but I want her to hear me screaming IT SMELL LIKE A DICK! So that maybe she’ll realize we can hear her and then she’ll shut the fuck up, or better yet, choke on one. IT SMELL LIKE A DICK! IT SMELL LIKE A DICK! [BLEEP!]

F Hi. It’s funny you should have that thing about RACISM, because I was seriously just thinking I’m about done with the immigrants. I really don’t consider myself racist, but I’m so sick of being shuffled at the LOBLAWS by people from someplace where every square metre of land is shared by 30 people, and so they don’t think twice about being all in everyone’s way and shoving and that. And fat women in shrouds giving me a glare because I want to actually walk past them rather than slowly creep along at their pace behind them? No thank you. We move in this part of the world, and if you don’t want to move along with us, maybe this isn’t the place for you. Sorry to come off like a REDNECK. I’m really not racist at all and I can imagine this sounds just awful, but anyway. Too many now. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M I am from the CSA and we have your DILDO MOVIES. To have them sent, you must file an Access to Penetration request with the National Office of Online Dildoing. Please visit the Parliament buildings in Ottawa, Ontario and ask to be directed to the appropriate entry. This message will self-destruct in five minutes. I mean five seconds. Ah, shit, I screwed it up. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)