“edited” by AL SOUTH
ON THE STREETS IN CultMTL
F R-A-M-O-N-E-S, R-A-M-O-N-E-S, RAMONES! Fuck yourself. [BLEEP!]
M Hey Rant Line™, I just want to say I had a good time at Just for Laughs and saw a good 25 comedians or so. Lots of fun, thanks to all the people who put it together. But one asshole that works for JFL should be SHOT and that’s whatever hack came up with those horrible announcement recordings that they played before every single show. Except for Todd Glass, who refused to play it because he said it was so UNFUNNY. I had no idea at the time what he was talking about, because that was the first show of the week that I saw. Then the next show I heard it and said, “Oh, now I understand why he didn’t want to play this piece of shit recording.” It was these hacks imitating pompous British voices, or doing wannabe voices from South Park—so EXCRUCIATING. Don’t do that shit again. Also, I understand that Sirius was one of the people financing the Just for Laughs festival, but it still seems unfair to play the same five songs every time the crowd is being let into the venue. Hearing Mumford and fucking Sons every time you walk in—or that other one that sounds like Mumford and Sons, that HEY-HO shit, I don’t even know which band it is—hearing that ukulele-based pseudo-folk-rock bullshit every time you walk into a venue is just too fucking painful. And then anticipating the goddam announcement! But the rest of the festival was good. I mean, the comedians were good and all the people volunteering were good—you guys should get paid for that shit. So yeah. Cheers. [BLEEP!]
F Hi. Is there a slut convention in town or something? What’s with all these whores walking around? [BLEEP!]
F To the OLD MAN who decided to shout “Look at the big, old titties!” to my friend and I as we biked down Prince Arthur yesterday, stay CLASSY. Your equally old, equally repulsive friend may have found you amusing, but everyone else looked at you like you were an asshole—which is exactly what you are. Also, my titties aren’t old. They’re young and firm and completely beyond anything a SHRIVELED old cock like you will ever get your hands on. Think about that the next time you’re crying yourself to sleep, loser. [BLEEP!]
M Summertime gives me a boner. [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, I want to complain about Osheaga because, you know, I’m finally at an age where I can comfortably drop $250 on tickets and not worry about having no money left for food and rent, or drugs, but I go to Osheaga and can’t even enjoy the show because all these young girls are shaking their TEEN-AGE TITS and ASS all over the place, so I end up missing the bands completely. It’s like I’m paying to see tits and ass, and I’ve got a big problem with that. Okay. See ya. [BLEEP!]
M Hi, guy. I really liked your SCIENCE on women’s attire these days. Sorry you’re uncomfortable with all the FLASHING, but also I made a test you can take to see why you are uncomfortable. First, get a PENIS that isn’t yours and put it in your mouth. Does that taste good to you? Now try putting it in your ass. Is it nice? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then you are likely scientifically a homosexual. Otherwise shut the fuck up and enjoy what the ladies are giving. [BLEEP!]
F Wow. So I just read the stupid rant by the girl who was being shuffled at the Loblaws. At first I thought it was a joke and then when I realized it was serious! I wanted to tell her that she IS being a goddamned RACIST, even though she thinks she’s not. It’s like saying, “I’m sorry…but,” which means you’re not really sorry. But then I got pissed at the Rant Line™ for actually allowing this girl to express her stupid-ass views. I can’t believe you people would print this bullshit, shame on you! You should not be giving a platform to racist people to express these RETARDED backwards views. It is really absurd. And really courageous of her to call an anonymous line and not have her name printed because she knows she’s a fucking racist. [BLEEP!]
M Big ups on your cocaine savvy, bro. [BLEEP!]
F (with British accent, probably real) Hello. I’ve just been to the (names a restaurant) on Bernard and I had a terrible time. An awful time. The MENU was very restricted and when I did decided what to order, it turned out to be 24 per cent of the size of what I had anticipated! I ordered the MACARONI and CHEESE, and it was a very, very small plate of macaroni and cheese. And as I was finishing it my boyfriend handed me a vegetable SAMOSA, which was purchased elsewhere, which he felt might fill my appetite. But as I was eating it, the WAITER came up to me and told me that I was extremely RUDE to eat a vegetable samosa in his restaurant. He said, “You know, you are very rude, aren’t you?” And that was the end of the exchange. Thank you very much, goodbye. So this is a message for the owner: what is NOT RUDE is me eating a samosa in your restaurant. But what is terribly rude is the fact that you charged me nearly $5 for about a quarter of a can of macaroni and cheese covered with what I can only describe as RATS DROPPINGS. I actually think that possibly the best thing I could have to done in your restaurant is, rather than paying you the $5, was stood up on your table, and DEFECATED thereon, and improved your menu. Thank you very much for your hospitality and have a pleasant evening. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]
M Yes I am a TIME TRAVELLER. I have come back from the future, from the year 7077, to save the human fucking race, ok. But some prick, when I was parked on St. Denis yesterday, ok, went in my fucking vehicle, all right, and he took my time displacement unit. What a cocksucker. I sure he is a guy who is trying NOT to save the world. [BLEEP!]
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