“edited” by AL SOUTH
ON THE STREETS IN CultMTL!
M Greetings Rant Line™. I am as big a fan of Arcade Fire as anybody. I’m proud of what they have achieved in their short existence. It’s CIVIC PRIDE—I’m from here, they started out from here. And I want to see them get airplay, of course. But CHOM FM is called Montreal’s home of rock ‘n’ roll. The new Arcade Fire track “Reflektor,” that’s not rock ‘n’ roll by any shot! That’s PURE DISCO. I actually enjoy the tune, but CHOM playing it? Hypocrisy! Come on CHOM, I expect more. Put some more Bon Scott, eh. Some Led Zepplin, some Floyd, some Rush. Put some Arcade Fire even. But don’t put the new song and call it Montreal’s home of rock. Pure disco. It’s in the same league as U2 doing “Discotheque.” Same thing, different band. Ciao. [BLEEP!]
F Is it just me or does it really look like these election posters for Project Montreal basically all show someone who either looks like they work in a truck-stop diner or are some sort of CARNIVAL HYPNOTIST? Take a closer look when you see one and tell me what you think. Bye. [BLEEP!]
M Hi, I just was calling to remind everyone to get their vote out. The municipal elections—these are the big ones. Don’t ignore your CIVIC DUTY. [BLEEP!]
M Hey, remember that dude a year or so ago that crushed by that fucking WALL falling off a building on Bleury? What the fuck ever happened to that guy? I hope he got himself a HUNGRY LAWYER to rip some coin off the SLUMLORD PRICKS who let their building’s walls rot off. [BLEEP!]
M Hi, I’m calling from the Banana Republic of Montreal traffic coordination, the largest legally sanctioned band of PIRATES ever puked up out of the cornucopia of the bizarre. I was exposed to this experience last week when my sister came to visit me from New York. We went to find a nice restaurant on Duluth street and we parked beside this AMBIGUOUS PARKING SIGN that was rusted beyond the point of legibility. In French, of course, which is great, but at the same time we could hardly make out what the rules were regarding our parking spot. To be on the safe side, my sister took a picture of the sign. Lo and behold, we come back 45 minutes later and there’s a $60 ticket for having parked six inches in front of the post. For me this is an aggravation, and this is why I don’t drive anymore. Thank you. [BLEEP!]
F There’s this article on this site called Tribe and it’s about Montreal being a city of CON ARTISTS. And after reading it, I think it’s kind of true. I’m new, I’m not from here, I’m from California. And I did go on a date with a guy here in Montreal who asked me for MONEY. It’s like, Montreal is a city for women, except for the lack-of-jobs issue. People here in Montreal have to con there way through every day to make a buck! Especially when they can’t find the free stuff. After reading that article, I’m actually considering, do I want to be here in Montreal? Do I want to stay? Maybe I should move back to California? Or even the East Coast? I don’t know. I guess anywhere you go in the world there is going to be some issue? [BLEEP!]
M Who in his right mind is paying money to stick a dick in those scagged-out WRETCHES in the East-End? I’d be fucking terrified to catch something from just handing the person money with my bare hand. But there are guys pulling up and saying, “Yes, you’re attractive enough for me to want to put my most PRIZED BODY PART in. Let me pay you for that.” Is it merely a matter of cost? Or is it because there are things that are broken in their minds and body? I’m sure they would love to have someone who would want to fuck them for free, just so they feel like a real person again. It’s depressing to me. So sad, really. [BLEEP!]
M I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE. [BLEEP!]
M This probably won’t get published but I gotta relate to somebody here about what I see today. People PLUGGING their ears and talking to themselves on fancy machines, then going home and crying themselves to sleep. I mean, everyone I know is living alone. Alone, alone. And pretending like they don’t need anyone. I’m thinking of building a whole new city, a whole new community. Like a KIBBUTZ, perhaps. Where all these people who are crying themselves to sleep, myself included, can do something intra-communal rather than—holy fuck—alienation. I don’t know. Maybe I should go back to school and end up owing $50000? Who knows what the solution is. I don’t care if this is published. Thank you. [BLEEP!]
F Ok now, so I was at Snowdon metro station the other day. Just sort of chilling, I’d been to some Indian restaurant. So I’m walking and I see my boyfriend and we start chilling at the metro, it’s around 9:30 at night. And we see these TWO FRENCH GUYS and they come up to us and they’re like, “Hey you want to buy some drugs?” And we’re like, “Yea for sure we’ll buy some drugs!” And we’re making our little DEALIE thing and then these BLACK GUYS come beside us, and they’re just staring at us. For like five minutes they’re just staring at us. And we’re like, what the fuck’s going on? They come up to us and like, “Hey, do you have drugs?” and we’re like, “Yea for sure” and, you know, they seemed pretty SKETCH, man. And so while we were trying to make a deal with these kids, well, yeah they tried to rob us. So this is what Montreal is turning out to be like? But it’s cool. And anyway if you need drugs, Snowdon metro seems to be the HOOKUP. All right I’ll call back another time. Take it easy. Peace. [BLEEP!]
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