“edited” by AL SOUTH
F My God. I just walked down St Laurent and it’s like a giant, radioactive monster ate three FRIPPERIES and a bag of HAIR CLIPPINGS and shit hipsters all over the place. Just stop. Please. You’re embarrassing yourselves. [BLEEP!]
M I don’t know why Arcade Fire was so worried about having people who look good in their video. Every time I meet an Arcade Fire fan they’re overweight, or UNDERCLEAN. Open the doors to the people. If people aren’t beautiful enough to be shown enjoying your music, maybe your snobby shit isn’t beautiful enough to be music. Beautiful music doesn’t need MODELS to make it sound good. [BLEEP!]
M You know something? Fucking Toronto stole our Film Fest, and they stole our economy, and they didn’t steal our baseball team, but they at least still have one. And I think their hockey team is better than ours, or at least are shitty on a higher level, but fuck them. And you know why? Because they can’t fucking touch our music scene! When it’s music, we’re right there doing it right, you know. Pop Montreal or whatever. Makes me proud and makes me hate Toronto even harder. Am I right? I send my hate on a boat down the 401, bitch! [BLEEP!]
F [partially translated from the French by the Rant Line Translation Unit™]. Bonsoir, I went to Pop Montréal au Club Lambi pour voir un SUPER BON SHOW de Odonis Odonis notamment. And they charged me $6 a beer! J’étais un p’tit peu desolée. I talked to the proprietaire and asked for an explanation. He said it was le prix du marché. But then when I went au toillete they didn’t have PAPIER or SAVON DU MAIN. I would just like to say that Club Lambi should not be on the circuit de Pop Montréal! [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, so like every time I step out of my door there is a half-smoked joint and a PUFF of smoke of weed there. I’m ALLERGIC to that shit. I know you don’t care about that shit because you all smoke weed everywhere you go but… fuck. [BLEEP!]
M I got a rant for all the hardcore GYM DINKS. I’m not talking about people who just go to the gym—I go to the gym. And I’m not talking bout the jocks, either. I mean you can be a jock and never go to the gym—I’ve seen some pretty fat out-of-shape jocks in my life. I’m talking about the dorky dudes who try to get buff because they think MEAN + BUFF = A VAGINA. They can’t get laid and they think this is what girls want—a big hulking guy. But you know, you can’t work out UGLY, and you definitely can’t work out CHARMLESS. You can be ugly and have charm, you can be fat and get laid all the time. But you can’t be a charmless loser and get anywhere. The other thing about these people is they all have the same attitude. “You want to fuck with me??” Actually, anybody could fuck with you! Just because you have MUSCLES doesn’t mean you know how to use them. All you did was build them! Anybody could still take a dink like you down, probably with a CLOTHESLINE. I am just saying—stop juicing, stop pumping, start smiling. Say hi to somebody once in a while instead of working yourself into a big BALLOON MAN who nobody is going to be afraid of anyway, much less want to fuck. I don’t own a vagina, but I’ve been around enough of them to know this is good advice. [BLEEP!]
F Hey, does anyone know what the actual LAW is on putting SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS in your apartment building hallways? I mean, pointed right on your doors? Because some just went up in mine, and I’m pretty creeped about the slimy weirdo security guy sitting there with his hand in his PANTS waiting to stare down my TOP as I go in and out of my apartment. Thanks. [BLEEP!]
F Hey Rant Line™. I don’t know if you can even answer this. Or even if you answer things, or just put in the questions. But do you know if that Unicorn Lady is okay? She used to call and talk about glittering things and psychic stuff—I can’t recall exactly what right now—but I haven’t seen her calling lately and she sometimes sounded a little maybe CLOSE TO THE EDGE. I know it’s weird to worry about her, but I guess I just am wondering. Anyway, if you know, I’d like to hear. [BLEEP!]
M Howdy folks. I am an octogenarian, a man of 82 years old, and I am getting off reading the Rant Line™. I wanted to reiterate one single observation. Over the 60 years that I have been hanging out like an OLD HIPPIE, almost dead, I cannot help but recall one of the one night stands I had oh so many years ago, when I was nothing but a YOUNG PUPPY. This one night stand occurred when I was living next door to a FAT MAN who was crying because he was listening to me banging my chick. And he wept so hard and for so long that I felt I should go hang myself out of guilt because I couldn’t help him get laid. So I went across the street and started tying the rope. Comes along a little young hussy and she asks me what I am doing killing myself. I said I feel guilty about that fat man weeping because he ain’t getting laid. She said, get off your TREE, take that NOOSE off your neck and let’s go fuck! So we went to a construction site where the rocks were very sharp. It lasted quite a while and it was very, very, very entertaining. So I keep seeing all these reoccurrences going on here—must be like the migratory birds from some prehistoric time. So thank you Montreal for your kindness in this regard. Take care. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]
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