“edited” by AL SOUTH
M I’m calling about the woman complaining about the WIMPY MEN who don’t approach women to talk to them in bars. I think you should have a talk with all the jealous COCKBLOCKERS saying, “Yo we came here to have fun just among girls.” Or the angry one saying, “You think you’re going to get me with that line?” Or the ones who don’t even answer to a simple hello, and walk by the guy, or call the guy a LOSER because he doesn’t look good. Or who say that guys who are in bars are not serious. But hell, you are in a bar, are you a serious woman? I could go on. Ciao. [BLEEP!]
F Regarding the state of men. That’s true, but the women, they dress up, they look all WHORISH on the metro, they are looking for men. But then they don’t approach them and if a man looks at them they get all insulted and mad. But they dress for it! Ladies, don’t wait for the men—if you want a man, go up and talk to them. Women can do that too. [BLEEP!]
M Hi. As I was walking down the aisle of the FRENCH WINE section in the SAQ today, I was looking at all the beautiful bottles of French wine. And of course I was AGHAST at the knowledge that the last time I was in France, I had a great bottle of wine for $2. These are price protections that govern cheese, bread and wine, and they are untouchable due to the ROBBER BARON monopolies like we have in Quebec! How can you charge that much markup—600 per cent—on a bottle of wine?! If you want to be European, let’s be cool and open up the markets to free enterprise on ALL DRINKS. Or let’s have a Boston Tea Party. [BLEEP!]
M This is about the Montreal POLICE. A few years ago during the protests, when everyone was wearing those little RED SQUARES, the cops got all pissed, and harassed and searched and ticketed people wearing the red squares. I saw it happen to people. But now, the police, having their own fucking money problems, what do they do? Stick little red squares all over their police cars! What?? It’s all good when they want to have their protest, when they want to show off, get themselves out of UNIFORM and do their own thing and put stickers everywhere? Which by the way is going to cost the city a fortune, to remove those off of the cars and the buses and everywhere else. So it’s ok when the police do it, but not when the students do it? I think everybody needs to know how fucked up and hypocritical the police are here—I just find it wrong. [BLEEP!]
M What happened to that fucking beautiful guy who looked like Jimi Hendrix walking around? That beautiful CAT who played air guitar on the mountain and looks like Jimi? I miss him so much. Where is he? Is he possibly… institutionalized? He was a genius. That’s all that matters. [BLEEP!]
F You now what’s fucked up? PET SPAS. Honestly, if you want to do something nice for your dog, take them for a walk or bring them to a park. There are a million cheap things you can do that are fun for your dog. But you know what a dog fucking does not enjoy? Being taken to a random place, sitting in a waiting room, then going into a weird room and being strapped down onto a table then having CHEMICAL PRODUCTS sprayed all over them by strangers, while being poked and prodded for several hours. Not enjoyable. If you want to do something fun for your pet, do not take them to a pet spa. [BLEEP!]
F Ok, so I work at a CALL CENTER in Montreal and this is a message to all the people in Montreal who pick up the phone, hear that it is someone from a call center and then hang the fuck up. Do not hang up! When you do that, we have to put you on a callback list. It wastes everyone’s time including your own and you will get called back like 10 times! Just say you are not interested in doing the survey, you are not interested in doing it at any other time, and there is no one else in your household who wants to do the survey. You will save the person working in the call center the trouble of calling you back a million times and getting hung up on a million times. Please just take five extra seconds out of your day and save yourself the trouble. Or better yet, ask to be put on a no-call list so you don’t have to go through this. As an OVERWORKED, UNDERPAID call center worker, I can say there is nothing that annoys me more than having to call back the same pissed-off person 10 times. Thank you very much and have a nice day. [BLEEP!]
F Hey Rant Line™ lets talk about this bitch at [names beauty salon then pauses]… actually I don’t want to name the name of the business, I don’t want to fuck this bitch over. But what’s up with this bitch who just did the worst fucking job I’ve ever seen WAXING MY LEGS? Leaving like half the hair on my legs. It’s actually unbelievable. She’s asking me, “Oh did you shave?” No bitch, I haven’t shaved in like two years! Then you’re asking me my name. It’s cool that you’re trying to be friendly, while you’re ripping tiny hairs off my legs, but that’s a level of intimacy I don’t want to get to personally. And then you’re asking me, “Why do you just want to do the bikini line? Why don’t you do the FULL BIKINI.” Bitch, because I don’t want to look 10 years old! I’m a grown-ass woman! Why do you seem so surprised by that? Then you’re asking me why I don’t want to get shit done on my face. Bitch, I’m WHITE, I don’t need to get shit done on my face! No shame to people who do need that, that’s fine. But seriously lady, were you going to do an equally shitty job ripping out all my pubes? If you were trying to upsell me, I don’t need a half-assed fucking bikini wax, ok? I don’t need to go through puberty again. [BLEEP!]
F About the girl complaining about the girl with the little flowery dress and straw hat who had the DIARRHEA. Well, accidents do happen! We get TOURISTA when we travel, maybe she’s a tourist! [BLEEP!]
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