THIS WEEK: Ryan Luxenberg, albino squirrel offspring! PLUS: Private school girls should dress sexier!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hey Rant Line™, this is Mike, coming at you live. I just want to talk about the U2 concert, the third concert at the Bell Center, Montreal, and this OPPORTUNISTIC LITTLE PRICK Ryan Luxenberg. My god, you really think you’re something else because you went up on stage and did “Desire” with the band? Please, man, I was there, October 1 1987 at the Big O, with 65,000 of my fellow U2 fans. You weren’t even born, ok kid? And you think you’re all smart because you played guitar with the band. Ah, you may be ok on guitar but you know what, your voice SUCKS, man. I could sing “Desire” much more better than you after a night of heavy drinking OUT ON THE TILES. You think you’re all smart now ‘cuz you’re out on YouTube, and this and that, but you know, you’re not a true U2 fan, ‘cmon. You just jumped on board. I’ve been there since 1983, man! My first album was Under a Blood Red Sky. Mini-album, ok. So don’t act all smart because you went up on stage, and your girlfriend was taking your picture, please. I’m a real U2 fan, ok cockroach? I’m out of here. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I’d like to leave a rant for whoever the BOUNCER is at at École Privée. I was behind two girls yesterday on Friday at 1.30, and this guy was at the door is, with the SCAR on his eye. And one of the girls was wearing a kind of COVERALL, with a tank top underneath. He said, “Hey, you girls should go join all my guy friends at this table in the back, they can keep you company.” And they kind of talked a little bit, and then he said, “And you in the coveralls, next time you come here, wear something SEXIER, like a dress or something, that thing looks like shit.” So I don’t know who owns that place but, fuck that guy. [BLEEP!]

F People of Montreal stop letting the depanneurs down. For a city that prides itself on the recent Comedycoup success of Dépflies, you guys sure aren’t putting your MONEY where your MOUTH is. Mile End in particular. First Matisha, then Regal, now PS. You wonder why the line at the PA causes you rage? It’s because so many people are going to a grocery store for one thing when they could go to a dep and get the exact same thing in a fraction of the time, while also supporting the families that run aid dep. No diss to PA, they’re amazing, I LOVE them, but it really grinds my gears when I see people lined up to buy a single pack of gum at rush hour. And I know I’m not alone. And you know who has it worse than me, and all the other people in the line-up with the rage? The deps going out of business and the families that run them going bankrupt. So stay deserving of the number one best neighbourhood and support your local deps. Shame. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I hate to bitch and whine, but what can I do. Here I am, going to the public gym, YMCA, and there’s a free brochure which is sponsored by a real estate company that is selling houses for $4.5 million a pop in Pierrefonds. But it’s really incongruous, it’s like standing in front of someone who’s been sleeping in front of a bank machine in winter, to keep warm, and he’s got GANGRENE on his feet and no one gives a fuck. I’m looking at the pros and cons and the differentials and saying, I hope that guy gets help, and stay away from me you FAT CAT. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Whichever ANUS BRAIN came up with the bullshit word TRANSRACIAL, you are only demonstrating further proof that ignorance is anything but bliss. This level of ignorance is not some awful random thing, ok—it’s dangerous. It serves one function only, to further contribute to an ongoing cycle of unnecessary hatred and turmoil. So if you believe transraciality is a thing, do yourself a favour: shut the fuck up and go educate yourself. You have no idea what you are perpetuating. And congratulations—you’re part of the problem. [BLEEP!]

F All you people, wondering where ALBINO SQUIRREL is in Jeanne-Mance Parc, well we still don’t know, but we’ve just seen its OFFSPRING. That’s right. It’s part albino and part not-albino. So maybe it’s not albino, technically, at all. But it’s very, very white, with a streak of brown down its nose and it’s so CUTE. It’s staring at us right now—it’s in the tree. Oh my gosh, you’re so lucky if you see this squirrel, all your dreams will come true. Leave the squirrels alone, especially the albino ones, they’re MAGICAL. [BLEEP!]

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