“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hi, this one is for Diaper Boy. Just wanted to let you know that maybe it would be a better idea if you STFU about the F-E-T-L-I-F-E. As if I needed more weirdos and pervs trolls on that page. I’d say it’s best to leave the uninitiated uninitiated. [BLEEP!]

M RIP Les Bobards. I mean, it was never that great a place, sort of GROTTY… well, maybe let’s say GRITTY, this is an obituary, I need to be respectful. So yeah, gritty. And sometimes sketchy too I guess. But anyway it had PEANUTS. And it was a place for musicians to play and the staff was nice enough. And fuck, it was open for 25 years. So now it’s shut down, supposedly because of crazy and KILLJOY NOISE LAWS, and will be replaced by… what? A stupid shitty restaurant that will fail? An overpriced furniture store with ugly uncomfortable sofas? An ugly office space that tries to get people to buy ugly shitty QUIET condos? Not anything better I don’t think. RIP. [BLEEP!]

M Ok, I just heard that because of climate change there’s going to be NO ICE for outdoor skating rinks soon in Montreal. Well, by 2050 or something. Anyway, I hope the Habs have finally won a Stanley Cup by then or they are going to really suck because no French-Canadian kids who know how to skate. [BLEEP!]

F P.K. Subban thinks he is a LADIES MAN and a FASHION PLATE. Is he? The picture of him straddling that hockey stick makes him look like a WITCH riding a BROOM. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. I just had a few musings here about “Reflektor,” the Arcade Fire track. I just want to note it as the worst song to ever come out of Montreal. The worst song ever by a Montreal band! And that is saying quite a bit, because Men Without Hats put out many albums with a lot of stinkers. And don’t forget Slaves on Dope—god-awful. But nothing—nothing—compares to “Reflektor.” Cheers. [BLEEP!]

M Anything Adele is fit for DOOMSDAY. [BLEEP!]

M Fucking government, I just heard they banned SMOKING on Montreal terrasses. I mean, is that really necessary? Is it really that much of a health hazard? Time to move to Thailand. [BLEEP!]

F Hello Rant Line™. I just called to say that as someone who takes a fair number of taxis in the downtown area, I think the new DRIVER REGULATIONS that the city has passed are absurd. I don’t care if my driver is wearing jeans or a baseball cap—I care that he has his eyes on the road and takes me to where I want to go. Without getting sidetracked or lost-on-purpose. I care that he doesn’t ASSAULT me—it’s not going to make me feel better if he does that in a WHITE SHIRT and BLACK PANTS. And I also prefer it if the driver stays in the car, in the front seat. I don’t particularly want him to get out of the car and open the door for me! And by the way, every single taxi driver I have talked to about this thinks it is incredibly stupid. They hardly make any money to start with, they work all day and night, and Uber is killing them. And now some do-gooder from city hall is going to put them in black pants. You want to worry about dress codes, worry about the frigging cops. [BLEEP!]

M All that shit in the Fleuve St-Laurent. Shit, shit, shit. Seriously, we should have thrown the mayor in to swim in with all the shit. SHITHEAD. [BLEEP!]

M Oh my god. I am referring to the billions of litres of SEWAGE WATER that was dumped in the St. Lawrence River. I was at a FISH MARKET about 20 years ago down at the foot of the river and they were selling salmon, and they had been pulled out of the St. Lawrence and they had SORES all over them. And they were selling them legally. This was 20 years ago—already they were completely deranged biologically. What kind of a cesspool of a government are we absorbing? Find a quarry somewhere up in St. Eustache and take the trains that weren’t burnt at Lac Megantic and carry that shit up there and bury it. Fuck. I’m drinking my own URINE, just in case. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is the guy who left the message about the BREASTFEEDING BRACELET that had been stolen… apparently. Well, we found it. So I’d like to apologize for that EMBARASSING OUTBURST of horrible negativity. Peace and love be upon me. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is a rant about the depanneur on Beaubien and [names cross street]. There’s graffiti all over it. There has been graffiti all over it for as long as I can remember—at least five years. The people who own it are some of the RUDEST people I’ve ever met. All they do is sit out in front of it and hang out and smoke and talk shit. Why don’t they paint over the fucking graffiti and help bring the neighbourhood to life a little bit? This could apply to any depanneur that just lets the environment go to shit. Fuck you. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I want to really applaud the GARBAGE initiative down in the South-West. All these signs and arrows and stickers, really SHAMING people who put their shit out there before garbage day. That’s great. But now, can we move to the part where you write these fucks some fucking tickets? Because I am sick of the diapers, chickens, WATERMELONS, flies and pools of bacteria on my street. It’s particularly bad in the summer, but stepping in a dirty fucking diaper is no fun year-round. The initiative is great, but follow through. Although I did find a $5 bill on the street the other day—that kind of garbage is ok. [BLEEP!]

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