THIS WEEK: No “no smoking,” no Expos, no unemployed horses! PLUS: David Bowie, Johnny Depp, Fish Piss!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

 M Hello Rant Line™. I just want to talk about the new no smoking law—no smoking on terraces. First off, I think it’s stupid, second-hand smoke in the outdoors, gimme a break. Secondly, it’s stupid to introduce this stupid law the week before the GRAND PRIX, when people come to Montreal from all over the world, especially fom Europe, to sit in our terraces and smoke—like they do in Europe. What, are the trying to kill our bars? As any bar or restaurant owner, they do some of the biggest business of the year during the Grand Prix. And last, I heard some government fool boasting that this new law put us in line with the NORM, like in Ontario and B.C. Since when is fucking Ontario the norm for Montreal? The norm for Montreal should be more like the norm for Paris. Everybody loves our so-called European flavor—way to kill it. Morons. [BLEEP!]

F I hate to say this but I am pretty sure the CALECHE HORSES like doing their job. That’s what they know how to do! Now people, the city, whoever, wanted to stop them from doing their job, put them out of work. Well I have news for you, these old horses would not be going to GREENER PASTURES, they would be going to the GLUE FACTORY. These do-gooders, honestly—they do not understand the way that working animals THINK. [BLEEP!]

M Johnny Depp should have stayed with his nice French girl Vanessa instead of hooking up with a younger piece of ass who turned out to be a real piece of work. This is obvious, isn’t it? Stupid old man. [BLEEP!]

 M Greetings Rant Line™. This rant is about David Bowie’s HAIR. That’s right, the Thin White Duke, Ziggy Stardust—the greatest pop star to ever walk the face of the earth. I just want to talk a little bit about his hair. I love his hair. But there were three periods where I really, really enjoyed his hair. The Serious Moonlight tour: amazing. The Glass Spider Tour: something to be reckoned with. And the last tour I saw, Sound and Vision, 1990. Look at that hair! It defies logic! How did he get it to look so perfect? I don’t know. Even Adrien Belew is JEALOUS onstage, looking at his hair. Unbelievable. Anyway I just want to say the Thin White Duke, David Bowie, he had some great hair, man. He was lucky, he had some very great hair. Long live Bowie. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, with all the talk of the Expos coming back to Montreal, it may be a good idea to drop that name: the Expos. I mean, Expo 67 happened like 50 years ago! Come up with another name, something all Montrealers can relate to. Like maybe the Montreal ORANGE CONES. Everybody can relate to that. They could even have an Orange Cone mascot. Youppi was orange, cones are orange, so there could something orange running around on the field. But whatever, dump that name Expos. It’s bad, it makes Montreal look stupid. You have one exhibition, 50 years ago, and you name everything after that? Something new, please. Bring back Montreal baseball, but bring it back under another name. Thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M I concede that I do agree with that fellow’s sentiments about the brother of Fredy Villaneuva and it being a setup by the police. It’s probably the largest legally sanctioned criminal organization that I have ever seen in my life, is our respected boys in blue. God bless them and may I pray for their souls. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I was walking down an alley and found a box of old books and I found this wonderful publication from 1997 called FISH PISS. And it’s chock-a-block full of ANARCHISTIC BOHEMIANS just spouting off. There’s one of these little quote is there, from Fish Piss, that says, “Life is like a porno movie, no matter who you meet, they’ll screw you.” That’s great! Ok. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I’ve never called the Rant Line™ before and I’ve got a lot of rants, but mainly I am calling about AMERICAN IDOL ending. I watch American Idol, and it came to my attention, after I googled it, that the producers of American Idol decided that they wanted to make more profit. So they put out a strict budget that the touring company could not adhere to. So then they decided that rather than make some profit, they would rather make no profit. This just goes to show that typical fucking American CAPITALISM has led to a GREAT SHOW being cancelled! Everyone who has ever worked for an American company, even in this country—in this province, in this freaking city, and I am one of them—has seen what the Americans do. They RAPE US and take our industry and close everything down. And they’re doing it with their own industry in the form of American Idol! I’m just really upset that this would happen, and I don’t think it’s right. Fuck the Americans. [BLEEP!]

 M Listen, who the hell chose Milos as Best Greek? No one can afford to go to that place, you know what I mean? Portugese? No one even mentioned Portugalia. You guys are at the wrong places. On the Greek thing—Tripoli! Park Extension people! Even the Caribbean… Obviously you guys hang out in the Mile End, but this is someone who is FROM the Mile End, I grew up in the Mile End, I’ve been here 30 years, and seen the thing grow up. You need to respect the little places in the neighbourhoods, get out on the streets in the rest of the city. Go out. Go to Montreal North, you’ll find good Caribbean food. Go to Cote des Neiges for Caribbean food. Go to Pointe St. Charles, you might have the best beer in your life. That’s all. [BLEEP!]

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