THIS WEEK: Pitbull balls, purple pants, P.K. Subban! PLUS: Shisha bars and Seal!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M So yeah, I think we all know what to do here. Take our PITBULLS, drop them off at Mayor Coderre’s house, and let him handle them from there. Maybe skip a few FEEDINGS, first. [BLEEP!]

F Well thank god the city is finally going to do something about those stupid, stupid pitbulls and the stupid, stupid people who own them. I saw some guy today with a pitbull—typical guy with a pitbull, he had tattoos, a shaved head, bad teeth and a pitbull—and the stupid dog still had its BALLS on. I felt like getting a pair of scissors and cutting them off on the spot. “Here doggie, nice doggie—SNIP.” The sooner the better, you know? But one thing I don’t understand is why the SPCA is against the city banning them. What are they thinking? I mean, I know the dogs are not all bad, but enough of them are! And I know not all owners are bad, but enough of them are! You think you can EDUCATE these owners? These owners have failed at being educated all their lives—take a look at them! You think they are suddenly going to learn that their dogs are stupid and they are stupid and that their lifestyle choices are completely wrong? Good luck. But anyway, with these pitbulls that are still here—get their balls off them, get muzzles on them—please, enforce this—and stop any new ones from coming in, however you plan to do that. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, I am a born and raised Montrealer living downtown and I would like to know why is it that people can smoke in the SHISHA BARS that are popping up on every corner downtown but we can’t even smoke on a goddamned terrasse? Pretty soon we’re going to need a permit to smoke in our own damn HOUSE. Thank you, have a good day. [BLEEP!]

M This one goods out to the BONEHEAD metro musician, busker, whatever he is—listen buddy, when SEAL joins you on the sidewalk, you don’t sing! You just play the guitar, you accompany Seal. You shut your mouth, you do not sing at all. It’s Seal—you let Seal have the stage! Got it? You let Seal sing. You ruined the moment. You idiot. [BLEEP!]

M Ok, I was going through the Plateau the other day, up to Mile End, and I started to count the number of guys wearing PURPLE PANTS. I got to 10 and then I stopped. Fat guys, skinny guys, all in purple pants. I think that is the colour. Or is it mauve? You know the colour I mean. Will this stop soon? [BLEEP!]

F All this talk about YOGA, all these people doing yoga, running around with rolled up pants—it’s making me feel bad. And I am not even fat. I think I am even reasonably FLEXIBLE. But International Yoga Day, Midnight Yoga, Yoga in the Park, Drop-In Yoga, everyone seems to be doing yoga. I don’t think it was always like this, was it? What did people do before yoga? [BLEEP!]

M Seriously, we should get together and have a FUNERAL MARCH up St. Denis street. The street is dead. They have spent millions of millions of dollars trying to fix it, but they didn’t seem to notice they were killing it. So yeah, a New Orleans style funeral march. Put the street to rest. RIP. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. This one is for Pete Townsend from the Who. I was listening to the album Tommy and I realized that “Pinball Wizard”—such a great song—just ends. It is very, very BORING. Pete, couldn’t you have made it end more spectacular? I expect more from you Pete. Couldn’t you have made it a bit more EXTRAVAGANT? Just a thought. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I just wanted to say that I noticed that Cult Montreal puts a lot of women and even TRANS INDIVIDUALS on the cover more often than not and I just wanted to say keep up the good work. Great. Lovely. Amazing. Have yourselves a great day. [BLEEP!]

M I’ll tell you why P.K. Subban got traded. You heard it here first. Because he got bigger than the BRAND. The Habs are the brand, you can’t get bigger than the brand. It doesn’t matter that the brand sucks, that the brand has not won a CUP since 1993. The brand doesn’t care about Stanley Cups! The brand cares about the bottom line and not ROCKING THE BOAT. The brand is a boring, conservative corporation. An employee stands out, is too flamboyant, too COLOURFUL—the brand gets rid of them! So P.K. is gone and it is back to business as usual. Enjoy the Stanley Cups you will win P.K. You will deserve them. We won’t. The brand won’t. Fuck the brand. [BLEEP!]

M This is concerning the P.K. Subban trade, June 29, 2016. Marc Bergevin, I hope you get BOTULISM and I hope you die! You are a cocksucker, I hope you fucking die! Michel Therrien, take your lips off his cock! You have you lips so far down his cock!! Marc Bergevin, get botulism! Cocksuckers!! [BLEEP!]

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