THIS WEEK: Sheep on the city payroll, the Man Bun Game! PLUS: Pitbulls still perturbing!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Here’s a little FAIRY TALE. Once upon a time, there was a little dog, a Yorkshire Terrier, named Princess. She was a very little dog, weighing about 12 pounds. She was 7 years old. A happy and friendly little dog. She lived in a place called Sherbrooke. Her owners loved her, everyone loved her. Then one day last week, she went out for her morning walk and along came a PITBULL. Now, this pitbull was on a leash, but it still proceeded to attack her. The pitbull grabbed Princess by the neck and strangled and bit her and KILLED her. When the police and SPCA came to get the dead Princess and put her in a box, Princess’s HEAD fell off. The pitbull, meanwhile, was calm and friendly, like nothing had happened. I’m sorry, I did not make this fairy tale up. [BLEEP!]

F Ok, so now Montreal has passed some new dog laws and supposedly there will be a whole new team of INSPECTORS out on the streets giving tickets. But the laws are mainly cracking down on dogs that aren’t registered! Is that the big problem? Sounds like a city cash grab to me. The law should be cracking down on the pitbulls that exist, whether they are registered or not! Especially the ones that still have their BALLS, like that ranter said last time. I mean, the inspectors will also be giving tickets to dogs that aren’t on leashes, which is ok I guess, but I think maybe DISCRIMINATES against friendly dogs. Friendly dogs are not the problem. And a pitbull that is running around off its leash, balls or not, shouldn’t get a ticket—it should be SHOT! My god, let’s have some common sense about this. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I just saw a pitbull with its BALLS. There was a black guy walking it, he looked like a nice guy, and the pitbull looked friendly. It was wagging its tail and a couple of kids even stopped to pet it. Personally, I crossed the street. Who knows when the psychosis in its brain might snap?! It might see another dog, a squirrel, even a kid or person that TRIGGERS that instinct to attack and kill. Honestly, no offense to that guy and his dog, but we will be better off when they are gone. And their balls are gone. [BLEEP]

M Hello Rant Line™. I was very impressed with the rant about PITBULLS, or more to the point, about the owners of pitbulls being somewhat deficient in a variety of ways. In regards to the cops who allegedly BEAT UP and arrested a BLIND MAN in Cote des Neiges a couple of weeks back, as well as a black dude who fixes old cars and was singled out by the cops, here’s what I have to say. Fire all the uneducated cops. Take away their guns. Let them get pitbulls. Then ban all the pitbulls! Hurrah! [BLEEP!]

M Hi there, just wanted to say that today I saw something that I think was GOOD, but I am not totally sure. I was going down St. Joseph, quite far east, and there was a park, and in the park there was a little orange fence and inside the fence were seven SHEEP. I went over to have a look and I was told that these sheep are being EMPLOYED by the city to cut the grass! And that is what they seemed to be doing. But I mean, it was taking them a very long time! They had only cut—eaten—a fairly small patch of grass. If you think about it, it would take them forever to cut all the grass in the city. Longer than forever. Anyway, I am not even sure if this is true, that the city is actually paying sheep to do municipal maintenance? Are there more SHEEP CREWS out there? Or are there only seven sheep currently employed? How much are they getting paid? Nothing against sheep, and the right of sheep to work, but wouldn’t maybe, I dunno, an unemployed student like a chance to be paid to cut some grass? Just thinking out loud here. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I have a question. I heard that everyone in the city is supposed to check to see if they have LEAD PIPES. So I checked my apartment and I think we do! But when I called my LANDLORD, he said… well, he said a few things. He said we did not have lead pipes, but even if we did, it didn’t matter, because the building has been around since 1925 and dozens or hundreds of people have lived here and they all turned out all right! So it doesn’t look like he wants to do anything about it. And I am already starting to feel a bit SICK from the lead [laughs]. So what can are my options here? Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. Don’t get me wrong, I am no fan of Hilary Clinton. But sometimes in life it is better the DEVIL we know than the devil we don’t. Trust me, you don not want a bonehead idiot LUNATIC like Donald Trump in the White House. Make America great again—damn right! But make sure it’s without Donald Trump. JACKASS. BUFFOON. JUGHEAD. Vote for Hilary! I’m Canadian, I can’t vote, but we’ll all be much better off without that bonehead in the White House. Vote Hilary! [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, what’s up, what’s up. I just wanted to chime in on that new Ghostbusters film. I’m sorry, but Ghostbusters are DUDES. Point finale. There is no discussion about this—it’s non-negotiable. Ghostbusters are men. The fierce, the proud, the Ghostbusters. In 1984, Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, and…that black dude there… Ernie Hudson! C’mon, Ghostbusters are male. Nuff said. [BLEEP!]

M Just wanted to let you know I have invented a new game that I think everyone should play. You should probably only play while riding a bike or driving though, it might be dangerous while walking, you never know. Here it is: whenever you see a guy walking down the street with a MAN BUN, shout “MAN BUN! MAN BUN!” You know, in a sing-song voice, but like an ALERT. Try it, it’s fun. It could even help CURB THE TREND. [BLEEP!]

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