THIS WEEK: Prophets of Rage, Tragically Hip, testi kebob! PLUS: Pirates should sail the unfrozen seas of the Northwest Passage, woman advises!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M So I went to the Prophets of Rage show last night, and let me tell you, it was at the Bell Center, so the SOUND could have been a little bit better, but aside from that, for the song selection they played, for the mix of Public Enemy, Cypress Hill and Rage Against the Machine, as having never seen Rage Against the Machine live, it was a fucking good show. And fuck you I won’t do what you tell me. [BLEEP!]

M Unfortunately, I was not able to score tickets to the Tragically Hip show in Kingston. But thankfully the band and the CBC put the show on, and I watched it. I turned down the volume on the telly, cranked up the stereo and I watched… THE SHOW. What a show. My god, what a show. Set list impeccable, band on fire, Gordon Downie playing like his life depended on it, like it was his last show ever, but hopefully it wasn’t. I could see the show in a different way, watching it on TV. I could see al the crowd, and I said to myself, these are MY PEOPLE. The Tragically Hip crowd, that’s my people. Even though I wasn’t there with you in Kingston, I was there with you in spirit. All I can say is, Gord, everybody is praying for you and hopefully we get to see ONE LAST SHOW, maybe in Montreal. At Metropolis, or at Club Soda. One more show. I am sure they would love to do it. Anyways, thanks for all the memories, thanks for all the great tunes, thanks for being a great Canadian band who sings about the CANADIAN WAY OF LIFE. And those people in the crowd, all 7,000 of you, and all the 25,000 who were in the city square of Kingston, and all the people who were at the Monkland street festival, those are my people—I feel COMFORTABLE being in a Tragically Hip crowd. Thanks Tragically Hip. You guys rock. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t want to rain on the GREAT CANADIAN FUNERAL PARADE—and I watched that final concert and thought it was pretty good, you know, a nice concert—but I couldn’t help noticing that a whole lot of songs by the Tragically Hip all sound almost exactly the same. I just thought it was my PATRIOTIC DUTY to mention this. [BLEEP!]

F I just read that some kind of LOVE BOAT cruise is going to sail through the NORTHWEST PASSAGE, which should be FROZEN, obviously, and that a bunch of rich people are paying from $20,000 to $120,000 to go on it. I hope that money goes to climate change. Or what would be better, I hope some PIRATES start sailing through the Northwest Passage at the same time and rob the boat or ransack it or KEELHAUL it—or whatever it is pirates do—and steal all their money and JEWELS and give it all to climate change. [BLEEP!]

M Something I noticed yesterday when I was out and about in our lovely city downtown on a beautiful August day: why are so many people wearing CROCS? Especially downtown. Ok, if you are not standing in a GARDEN, doing your gardening, why are you wearing Crocs? Crocs are not meant to be worn as a fashion accessory. It’s a major fashion faux pas! And as for crocs on kids—what, you cannot afford to buy your kid a pair of shoes? You got your little kids out and about wearing Crocs? People, what is wrong with you? Crocs are not meant to be worn if you are not in the garden. And please, buy your kid a pair of shoes. Ah la MARONE. My god. [BLEEP!}

F Ok, so fuck the GUYS WHO NEVER ANSWER BACK. Like, they don’t have the BALLS to tell you that they don’t want to see you no more? Like, fuck them. Really. Is it that difficult to send a text saying, like, “no thank you.” Anyways, that’s my rant. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Well it’s local to North America, but this Trump guy? I had dual citizenship but I’m glad I stuck with Canada. I can’t believe people are taking him seriously. Anyhow, you hear about J-Lo and P-Diddy—what about T-RUMP? Thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M If Hilary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband, how in the hell is she going to satisfy America? And I quote you verbatim from our friend Donald. The Donald. Now with a speech like that—it’s a dog and pony show. Dr. Strangelove. Donald, leave Hilary alone. People, just vote for her, that’s all. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™. So my friend is sitting here with me, we’re at Pizza du Parc on Parc Avenue waiting for some pizza and she’s got a piece of DENTAL FLOSS stuck in her tooth, expressing of when you have CORN at the chalet, which we were just doing, and then she has corn stuck in her teeth and then she tries to get it out with anything and everything, but she can’t, and so then she uses dental floss and now she can’t get the dental floss out, so she’s been walking around with dental floss in her mouth and the toothpick thing doesn’t have toothpicks. So that’s the SITUATION. And she’s visiting from France and she’s having a great time except for this. Ok bye! [BLEEP!]

F So as somebody who grew up with SYRIAN FOOD I was very excited to see the cuisine featured in the latest issue. I can personally attest to its superiority over everything, including Lebanese. In an unrelated opinion: BOWLS are not foods. I keep seeing ads all around for bowls this and bowls that. Bowls are something you make when you have nothing in your fridge. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. Have you ever wondered when you are eating in a Turkish restaurant, when you are eating TESTI KEBOB, how can something be so delicious, so really, really tasty, and look like a SHIT. It looks like it just came out of your dog’s ass. But testi kebob is amazing. I love it. [BLEEP!]


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