THIS WEEK: Quebexico, botulism, the Trudeau honeymoon! PLUS: Man threatens to urinate on Mordecai Richler gazebo!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M So I also went to that Prophets of Rage show, and that thing sucked, man. An $80 ticket to see a rock ‘n’ roll CASH GRAB, with Chuck D fucking dancing around like a FOOL. I’ve seen Public Enemy, and that guy was STOIC on stage, not moving, telling the truth. I give it to B-Real, he did a good job. But other than that, it was a cash grab for young kids that fucking never heard the original Rage. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. I’m calling because I just found out, after 20 years, that Café Cleopatra actually might be a guy strip bar, with TITS and BITS. That’s like bullshit! What if I had had one day been so drunk that I walked in there wanting to see some LADY BITS, and then there was like a COCK in my face? Would I have gone home unscathed? I don’t think so. How has this not been reported on before? That’s some bullshit, Montreal. Get your shit together. If I go to a Toronto strip club, I’m not going to see cock! Fix your shit, Montreal. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I keep reading in the paper, on the internet, all these journalists, NDPers, Conservative, saying, “The Trudeau HONEYMOON ends today.” I want everybody to take note—I want them to write this down—the Trudeau honeymoon ends when Justin Trudeau decides he no longer wants to be prime minister! That’s when it ends. You know why? It was the same thing in 1993 with Jean Chretien—yesterday’s man. What happened? Kim Campbell, down to two seats. 1997? Chretien—he called it to early, he’s going to be punished. He returned with a majority. 2000? Oh yeah, this guy Stockwell Day, on the WATERSKIS—he’s gonna beat him, he’s gonna beat him. And he was annihilated. And all last year—Trudeau is not ready, Trudeau’s going to get destroyed in the debates, Trudeau’s HAIR, Trudeau this, Trudeau that. He fucking destroyed all of them! He fucking destroyed them! So I am telling everyone, a word of warning: Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is going to be a REALITY for at least a decade, and you guys need to deal with it. All the haters, all the angry Conservatives, all the self-righteous bicycle-riding, BIXI-worshipping, granola-eating NDPers—oh my god! Guys, you just got to embrace it. And it’s going to be GREAT. It’s going to be everything you ever dreamed of! It’s going to be… it’s going to be… I can’t even put it into words. I can’t even put it into words. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. Just checking in to make sure that everybody knows that you can’t bring your fucking DOG into a café or a restaurant. I thought everybody knew that. I love dogs, I have a dog, I don’t bring him into restaurants. [BLEEP!]

M This one really makes me scratch my head. That GAZEBO for Mordecai Richler. Really? $750,000? For a gazebo for somebody who already has a library on Parc Avenue and a beautiful mural in the Mile End that was just unveiled. Do we really need to spend that much money on an AUTHOR? For a gazebo? And anyway, couldn’t you do something nicer for him, like, I don’t know, name a bookstore after him? Something? But seriously, a gazebo? I’m never going to use that, except maybe to PISS on it. Seriously, when is anyone going to use a fricking gazebo? [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™ and hello kiddies. Just chiming in on the not-so-beloved coach of Les Canadiens, Mr. Michel Therrien. For all those people who believe that is was UNTRUE that he said Max Pacioretty was the worst captain in the history of le club de hockey Canadiens—it’s bullshit. He definitely did say it. And I quite concur—Max Pacioretty was the worst captain. It is probably the only time I have ever agreed with Michel Therrien. I just wish he had the balls—the CH BALLS—to admit he said it. It’s quite weird, somebody who grew up in ST. LEONARD—and he has no balls! Quite a rare occurrence! Well, Michel Therrien, I have less respect for you today than I even had yesterday, which was not that much to begin with. You are the primary reason that P. K. Subban has gone down to play COUNTRY MUSIC in Nashville. And until you are gone from the organization, I am not watching another game. I’d rather watch DRAGON’S DEN. I’d rather watch reruns of Dragon’s Den, with KEVIN O’LEARY, than watch Michel Therrien behind the bench. I don’t want to watch it. I am out. [BLEEP!]

M Hello my fellow Americans, this is The Donald speaking. The candidate for the presidency of the United States of America. I’ve reconsidered my options about putting a wall across Mexico, since I figure probably every Mexican could crawl under it and get a job wiping our BABIES’ ASSES and picking our vegetables and sifting through our garbage. I propose an alternative. We’re going to send them all to Quebec, in the north. And we’re going to rename Quebec and call it QUEBEXICO. Then they can bring all their beautiful colours and all their cuisine and their sing-songs and their children and all the love that they have to this cold hinterland and change North America’s footprint. Meanwhile, we’ll go down to Mexico and take their resources. What do you think? [BLEEP!]

M (w/British accent, via the seldom-used SpeakPipe feature at Hey. I just wanted to know what the hell is up with all the BOTULISM cases in Canada? If you put “Canada” and “botulism in the news” in Google and do a search, almost every one of your FISH PRODUCTS contains botulism! I really wanted to visit Canada because my friend lives there, but now, there’s no way I’m going to Canada. Ever! I’m even scared to say the word Canada. You should be ashamed of your country. [BLEEP!]


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