THIS WEEK: Saudi Arabia, sluts, Sussudio and a single slice of bread! PLUS: Man recommends city rehire Mafia to clear up construction woes!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M So I just got back from the NETHERLANDS, I was there for 10 days. And everywhere I went they were all asking me, “Oh so you guys are legalizing IT next year and how’s that going to be and how are you guys going to sell it?” And I was telling everybody, I have NO CLUE. But one thing I do hope—I hope it is distributed in COFFEE SHOPS, so there can be somewhat of a little bit of a social interaction. And maybe it will be more of a FUN THING. I just hope somebody in the government pays attention to the Netherlands and maybe takes a hint or two on methods of distribution and so forth. Cafés! [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. I just wanted to call and talk a bit about all the HALLOWEEN SLUTS. I know that is supposed to be empowering for women to dress up like a little slut and I know we are not supposed to SLUT SHAME them anymore. But is it ok if I dress up like DONALD TRUMP and grab a few of them by the pussy? [BLEEP!]

M Ok, I just saw that Montreal has 10 more years of CONSTRUCTION and roadwork planned—another decade of this shit! It can take you hours to get from the Plateau to Verdun. That’s not an exaggeration, that is how long it took me to get down to Verdun and back. Three hours! And we’re going to have 10 more years of this? And also they say the next two years are going to be even worse than the last two—I would not believe that possible. Look, they have got to get this shit organized, stop letting the construction companies work wherever they want and whenever they want. Or not work—half the time you drive by and the site is empty, just orange cones and piles of dirt and a hole. Nobody doing any work at all, or working at the pace of a snail. We got to do something about this, because the mayor has let this situation get totally out of control. We were a lot better off when the MAFIA was running the show. [BLEEP!]

F To the delusional girl who said the TRUDEAU HONEYMOON is going to go on forever and ever until the end of time, and how great and DREAMY he is, did she see the youth labour group who showed their backs to him and booed and heckled him? Did she hear about the big trade deal he did with Saudi Arabia despite their horrendous record on human rights? Did she know that he condemned the BDS movement against Israel—another cowardly move against an initiative designed to try to keep a rogue country in check. I could go on. You say the honeymoon will last forever—I say we’re still getting fucked. [BLEEP!]

F So I was at the Atwater metro today day and someone was handing something out. Usually I don’t take what people hand out, but this looked small and different, maybe interesting. And it was a little plastic bag and inside the bag was a SINGLE SLICE OF BREAD. Excuse me? The sticker on the ziplock bag—the whole thing looked pretty home made—said “Bon Matin” and “essayez maintenant” and that it has no artificial colour or flavours, so that’s all good, I guess. But what am I going to do with a single slice of bread? Take it home and have HALF A SANDWICH? Please, try to think these things through. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. I was just going through my PUBLISAC and I came to the flyer for one of the pharmacies in town and I see that the new Ghostbusters flick, the DVD, is $22.99. I always wondered what a piece of shit cost, and now I know. Let me get this straight: you think people are actually going to pay $23 for a DVD when the film in the cinema was cheaper and people didn’t go to see that? Why are they going to pay $23 to own a piece of shit? People, c’mon. 1984, Bill Murray, don’t mess with the best, don’t even try to make another one. Please, please, let it be. [BLEEP!]

M Just heard on the news that Phil Collins is coming out of retirement. Oh yippee! Oh isn’t that great! You know what Phil, I don’t caaaaare anymoooore. Seriously Phil, it was nice when you were gone. Didn’t you make enough money in the 80s? You know, I’m still trying to live down that I named my SECOND DAUGHTER Sussudio, and now you have to come out of retirement? It’s enough Phil. You made enough cash with Genesis, No Jacket Required, now there’s a jacket required. Please. And there’s that Martin guy, who does a tribute downtown—isn’t that enough? [BLEEP!]

M As to the comments on Mordecai Richler’s GAZEBO bestowed by the city in his name and the urge to piss on it, I concur totally. It’s way over the top. There are other writers in the city who have accomplished just as much, even though they are not as LUMINOUS. I found it really strange that the Mordecai Richler Library is actually a former Anglican church—it was bestowed on the city by the Anglicans. Like, that’s weird, it’s a clusterfuck of discombobulated combinations. I think if you are going to name something Mordecai Richler, you should submit a whole new edifice. Anyway, I’m up for Réjean Ducharme, the great Quebecois writer who wrote some of the finest work in the history of Quebec and deserves far more credit than he has been given. [BLEEP!]

M Hey hey Rant Line™. This is the dude who said there was no use for Mordecai Richler’s gazebo, except maybe to urinate all over it. Well folks— been there, done that! Early this morning. Had a lot to piss out, felt great. Now I can say I pissed all over a shit disturber’s gazebo. Arrivederci. [BLEEP!]

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