THIS WEEK: Black metal, Bob Dylan, Bono, a NYC blowjob! PLUS: Donald Trump is lucky # 5, man opines!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Congratulations to everybody who came out tonight to stop the National Socialist band Graveland from playing. This is not about free speech. This is about FASCISM. Fascism must be stopped, and fascist ideology should not be permitted to spread. Not at our concerts, not in our society. We will not let this happen. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I don’t really know, because I had never heard of them, but I just saw that this band Graveland had their show cancelled, because the anti-fascist league or whoever made a FUSS and a protest. Ummm, isn’t there supposed to be freedom of speech here in Canada? And a bunch of people in masks can stop it? Isn’t that just as worrying? [BLEEP!]

M Hello, and wake up. Graveland are more about Vikings and paganism and Nordic mythology than racism or Nazis or whatever you people are thinking. You might as well go ahead and ban all BLACK METAL, for fuck’s sakes. Get a life, get a hobby, get something else to do. [BLEEP!]

M So I heard this band Graveland had its show stopped, so of course I went onto the internet to find out more about them. That’s how censorship works, by the way—it makes people more interested in what is being censored. But that’s another story. So anyway, I played a few of their videos, which to me seem pretty average: growling and melodramatic black metal, big deal. But the funniest are the pictures of them in various Viking or black outfits and with swords and wearing makeup, trying to look, I don’t know, scary? What they look like is a bunch of pathetic POLISH WANKERS. A bunch of FRUITS. But like I say, I am not sure anyone needed to turn them into forbidden fruit. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. They say Trump is number 45. I think they got it wrong. Listen to the group that I believe he belongs to: Lincoln. Garfield. McKinley. Kennedy. Trump. If you’re smart, you know what this list means. Later. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I am experiencing the funeral of hope and democracy. This morning the news came through and I WEPT FOR HILLARY. I spoke to certain people today and they all said that they also cried this morning. It’s as traumatizing as the Twin Towers, but it’s even more OMINOUS. It’s a sad day for all of us. Let’s just hope that he won’t do the harm that he promised to do. [BLEEP!]

M The last time America was GREAT was in 1972 in New York City when I saw the Rolling Stones give a free concert and I had my first joint and got my first BLOWJOB. That’s when America was great. [BLEEP!]

M Ok, so in this city we have so much poorly planned construction going on that you can’t drive anywhere without hitting orange cones and sitting in TOTAL TRAFFIC GRIDLOCK. So you go to take the metro and it fucking has a series of fucking breakdowns so you are standing in the metro waiting for a train that doesn’t come, which is even worse than sitting in your car, and in either case, you can’t get to where you want to go in any amount of reasonable time whatsoever. And meanwhile, HISTORIC BUILDINGS are burning down left and right. This is no way to run a city. [BLEEP!]

F Hello Rant Line™. I just wanted to say, you know who I feel sorry for is this poor girl who wanted to look after her friend’s TWO DOGS when her friend went on vacation, but she can’t, because she already has two dogs herself, and part of this new Montreal by-law, which was really supposed to be about pitbulls, is that one apartment can only have two dogs. So that means if she looked after her friend’s dogs, she would have four dogs it would be a $600 fine. Of course, her friend would rather have her dogs at her friend’s house, and not in a CAGE in a kennel, but no, this crazy law will stop that. So now her friend can’t go on vacation and nobody is happy, except maybe the PITBULLS, who are still running around without muzzles and getting ready to bite whoever they feel like. Well done everyone. [BLEEP!]

M Something really got on my nerves today. I want to send this rant out to TSN 690’s Mitch Melnick, the hugest BOB DYLAN fan in Montreal. You want to worship Bob Dylan, that son of a bitch prick who doesn’t even have the decency to go to the ceremony to receive his Nobel award? Seriously, Melnick? That’s who you want to give your fanfare to, a prick like that? Well you know what? He’s no BONO, that’s for sure. Bono was named Woman of the Year, recently—Bono’s a man last time I checked—and yet he still went to the ceremony to collect his award. Bono or Bob Dylan, for me it’s an easy choice—Bono all the way. Bob Dylan sucks! Mitch Melnick, are you listening? He cannot sing and his music is ANTIQUATED, it’s from some other era that is not even relevant today. You just keep going following Bob Dylan all over the world, Robert Zimmerman, go ahead, and I’ll listen to U2 and Bono. Cheers. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the dude who said there was no use for Mordechai Richler’s GAZEBO except to urinate on it. Well, good for you, but maybe you should go piss on something of Leonard Cohen’s if you want a real challenge. And maybe you should read some more and educate yourself. [starts singing] Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. [BLEEP!]

[Ed’s note: To the girl who left a long and reasoned defense of Justin Trudeau’s record on human rights, Saudi Arabia and the BDS movement, we regret to inform you that an ULTRA-RARE malfunction of Rant Line™ technology resulted in the rant vanishing completely forever. If so inclined, please call back and leave it again.]

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