THIS WEEK: Tim Horton’s, Melania Trump, a dead sperm whale! PLUS: Icy sidewalks cull the herd, man argues!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Really, we’re going to get HEATED SIDEWALKS? That has got to be the single stupidest idea the mayor has come up with yet. This is very very un-Montreal! We are Montrealers—we can walk on ice! If you can’t walk on ice, you shouldn’t live here. If you’re a tourist, learn how to walk on ice or go home. Or I guess go walk around the stupid underground city. But more seriously, in Montreal, old people falling down on the ice and breaking their HIP and then dying is the way things go, it’s natural. It stops them from living to be 100 and being a burden on society. It culls the HERD. Heated sidewalks will mess up the whole social order. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is in response to the fellow who had the vouchers from the food bank and went to Provigo. He has quite the sense of ENTITLEMENT. Instead of being grateful for the fact that he is getting food stamps, he seems to need to phone in and leave sarcastic rants about the prices at Provigo. May I suggest to him that he stop looking at PISTACHIOS and STEAK and start looking at items such as rice in bulk or perhaps potatoes. Use a little creativity and imagination and it’ll go a long way. You sound fresh out of mom’s basement and seem befuddled by the layout of a supermarket—maybe you’ve been doing your shopping at the dépanneur? Peace. [BLEEP!]

M A SPERM WHALE was found dead in the middle of the North Atlantic last week. It had swallowed a lot of PLASTIC in the ocean, dying from those causes. I just went to a dollar store, to save a dollar, and it ended up costing me a day of MISERABLE CONTEMPLATION about the future. Look at all the plastic from China in that store! How many whales can you kill? I can’t even believe people are so happy with this crap and just let it all go on without stepping in. But that’s the human condition, isn’t it? Rank idiocy. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy confused about seeing his recycling get thrown in with the GARBAGE in the same truck, man, you gotta report that shit. I did. Was only sorry I didn’t have time to snap a photo. Pardon the pun, but it would have made a big stink when it went to the local media. [BLEEP!]

F Just heard that Montreal has been officially named the Worst Traffic Congested City in Canada. Hooray for us—we’re number 1, we’re number 1! Yes, I am sitting in car stuck on the Decarie going south and yes, I want to KILL myself. [BLEEP!]

M Yo Rant Line™, what’s up. I want to speak to you today about that dude in the metro station, Tommy Boucher. You know, the HUGGING DUDE, he gives you hugs, to lift your day. I must admit the first time I ever seen him, I wanted to kick him in the balls just like Sid Vicious, you know what I mean? I was really in a bad mood and I said, how dare you stand in front of me and offer me a hug when I’m in such a pissed off mood? I just felt like kicking him right in the nuts. Anyways, I kinda got to thinking about it—maybe this guy offers something very important to Montrealers. And then I though about it some more and I said yeah—this guy provides the most important moment in some people’s day. He spoke on the news today about how he hugged a woman for 15 minutes and she cried on his shoulder. Tommy Boucher made a difference in that woman’s life that day. And to me that’s very important—it’s a necessary thing and Tommy Boucher, you should be applauded. And the next time I see you, I’m going to give you a hug. I ain’t going to hug you for 15 minutes, but I will definitely hug you. Keep on doing what you are doing. In my books Tommy Boucher you are all right. [BLEEP]

M This one is about that jackass of a president of the United States, Donald J. Trump. I cannot this twit is the leader of the United States. His WIFE is nothing more than a PROSTITUTE who he pays to blow him—I mean come on, seriously, you think she’d be with him if he had no cash? Come on. What a joke. This guy is a joke. Donald Trump, please, just go away. Go into hiding, go hang out with ELVIS PRESLEY, just leave the planet. You jackass. Go back and do your lousy TV crap. (sighs) I just can’t stand Donald Trump. Fucking jackass. What a malaka, pousti. [BLEEP!]

M Ok here’s my rant. So I wrote a letter to the editor of the Gazette with a cute little rhyme I came up with on New Year’s Day. Thing is, I never sent it in to the Gazette because I wasn’t sure it was up to their HIGH STANDARDS. But now that I’m reading the Rant Line™ I think you’ll like it. It’s about acceptance and diversity, and I wrote it while sipping my TEA at a popular Tim Horton’s. Now, if Tim’s isn’t a good example of a diverse group of people with common interests, then what is? Anyhow, enough said and here goes. (recites) “I don’t care if you’re black brown red white yellow brown or blue/If you’re nice to me, I’ll be nice to you.” Cheers, folks. [BLEEP!]

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