THIS WEEK: Public toilets questioned, birthday party bemoaned! PLUS: It’s off to the rodeo!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Ok, I had a dream that on a beautiful sunny day I strolled from the top of the mountain on a glorious and wonderful WALKWAY that the mayor had built for us for the city’s birthday. The walkway was gold—which made sense because it cost $50 million—and it was like a yellow brick road with flowers and dancing people in costumes and fountains that worked and there were no ORANGE CONES. And then at the end of the walkway I got onto a big FERRIS WHEEL that took me spinning into the air so I could look at the city and see all the people having the greatest birthday ever. But then a construction crew outside my apartment started digging and drilling and screaming and swearing and the dream shattered like broken glass. [BLEEP!]

F Last night I had a dream that I was fucking WAYLON JENNINGS and we were stranded in LAVAL after the last metro. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I just wanted to get something off my chest. I hear complaints about the RODEO that we’ll be having at the end of the summer, and there are people protesting, and they are saying that it is bad for the animals, and that rodeo has nothing to do with Montreal. This is bullshit. Rodeo animals are some of the best cared for animals in the world, they cost a lot of money, tens of thousands of dollars, some of them. You think you are going to abuse an animal that costs that much money? No sir, you look after it like you would look after a luxury car or a YACHT. Next, people complain that this has nothing to do with Montreal, that there is no history of that in Montreal—well then you must have just got to Montreal, or been born yesterday. Montreal has always had a country and western aspect of the culture, right from the beginning. It comes from the people from all around Quebec who came to Montreal after growing up in rural areas listening to COUNTRY MUSIC, in French and English—there are many many French country singers—and going to country festivals and farm events and, yes, going to rodeos. The most famous one being St. Tite. So stop being narrow-minded and ignorant and complaining about things you don’t understand and take a chance and get out and go to the rodeo. You might even have some fun. [BLEEP!]  

M Greetings Rant Line™. This is concerning the prime minister Justin Trudeau appearing on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. Now he can say, “Hey, I’m on the cover of a magazine that’s named after a group that my mom used to have SEX with on a regular basis after the concerts.” That’s something to aspire to, isn’t it. [BLEEP!]

M I read the rant about the need for PUBLIC TOILETS, and I agree, and wanted to add that supposedly there will be some new public toilets installed in the Villa Maria borough. But then I read that each toilet which the city will install will cost $300,00—which is more than the cost of the average condo on the island of Montreal! What the fuck? But then I thought about it some more and said, well it makes sense, because what will happen is you will have the homeless people sleeping drunk in the toilets in the night, in the winter, and the crack junkies using them in the day, year round, so actually a lot of people will get free shelter for their various uses. As for those us of who just want to take a piss—or god help you a shit—well I hope there is room for us to get in. And supposedly the toilets will be self-cleaning but I will have to see that to believe it. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™ I was just pondering the BIG CRISIS in the world and it just dawned on me that James Comey is probably proportional. [BLEEP!]

F I remember coming to Montreal in the 90s and it was so VIBRANT, there were so many activities and it seemed like the city was so FREE. Now I don’t know what is going on. I don’t know what there is for a black woman in their late 40s to do in this city, that’s not necessarily intellectual, that’s more COMMUNAL. It seems kind of sad that the city has changed so much that if you’re not part of a family, your own immediate family, it seems like there’s no real activities, except if you want to DRINK or go to a porno or a STRIP BAR or something like that. I don’t know. Maybe my interests are very different from what people find exciting but feux d’artifices doesn’t seem that exciting to me. Going to La Ronde is not exciting to me anymore. What do people who don’t go to school do to socialize and meet other people? I don’t know. It’s kind of sad. That’s it. [BLEEP!]

M I hate to bitch and whine about the condition of the economy, and even though I’ve found that I’m living in my mother’s basement apartment, I think that she has to foreclose and we’re both going to be living in a SHOPPING CART pretty soon. You know, I once found five MECHOUI LAMBS once in a bin, and I’m not going to mention the name of the establishment that tossed them out, but they were frozen. I just didn’t have the room to carry them. I could go on about many kilos of burger and CHEESES, brie, camembert, I would find. And now, everywhere is as dry as a bone, as bereft as the Sahara. And what are you going to do? I don’t know. Spend $5 on a can of soup? But that’s my bitch, that’s my rant. God bless all those who are trying to survive and struggle through these difficult and depressing times. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

F Well the 375th birthday is going well, isn’t it? All we need now is a big announcement that at the end of the party we will be getting a TRUMP TOWER. [BLEEP!]


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