THIS WEEK: Ferraris, heavy trucks, cop cars taking air! PLUS: Bitching about racism renders woman friendless!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hi. So my friend is drinking a BEER in front of some warehouse complex with another friend of mine and they’re just enjoying the day, a freezing cold summer’s day, and a cop comes along, drives up, and PINS my friend to the side of his car. A bunch of of other officers show up with their GUNS pulled. They think that he resembles an ARMED ROBBER. It turns out, of course, that after all this ordeal, he’s not the guy. So they give him back his beer, pat him on the shoulder, and say sorry, carry on. I don’t know what to make of this. Maybe this is normal procedure? I don’t think so. [BLEEP!]

M Ok, what’s up with cops SPEEDING up small one way streets in the Plateau, the WRONG WAY, doing like 120 in a 30km zone? I just saw one now. It’s the middle of the day. He was going so fast that when he went over the speed bumps he was TAKING AIR. And I see them all the time racing down Mount Royal at rush hour, the busiest part of the day, sirens blaring and lights flashing, going through red lights, swerving up the street. What reason could there possibly be? Is there a terrorist attack? Is City Hall on fire? Did someone try to ASSASSINATE the mayor? No. The one time I actually saw the cop reach his destination, it was just to arrest some homeless drunk who was kind of stumbling around and yelling at people passing by. Not a major security concern, not a serious danger, not a good reason for so much COP DRAMA. They don’t need to go all Hawai 5-0 just to arrest a drunk or some kid smoking a reefer. The police in this city, the ones working in the Plateau especially, are out of control. Someone needs to bring them back down to earth. [BLEEP!]

M Holy shit, I just heard the drummer from Lighthouse died. That’s too bad. But at least it was a SUNNY DAY. Get it? [BLEEP!]

F Hey, so I just heard that there was an accident at a DRAG RAING event, where they were racing trucks. A heavy truck drag racing show, it was called—personally I didn’t know that such a thing existed. But anyway, it was outside of Quebec City somewhere, I don’t know where, some small town where they closed off the street to race trucks. Now here’s the thing, a piece of the truck broke off and seven people were injured. I don’t want to say that anyone stupid enough to go to a heavy truck drag racing event probably deserves to get hit in the head with a FLYING MUFFLER or a fanbelt or whatever, but it got me to thinking—imagine if a similar thing had happened at that IDIOTIC RODEO. A bull gets loose and jumps into the stands and GORES a bunch of spectators foolish and mean enough to pay money to see animals being abused. Imagine that. Poetic justice, can anyone say? [BLEEP!]

M Greetings, this is a true Montreal story form the summer of 2017. The night of the Guns n’ Roses show I was strolling in the Concordia area—I’d rather do that than give my hard-earned cash to AXL ROSE. I’m strolling about and there’s a man and his wife at the corner of Guy and Ste. Catherine, playing this lovely Middle Eastern music. The man was singing, he is quite a talent, see them if you ever get a chance. So as I stop to listen to them, this sports car comes FLYING down the street so loud that the man was shocked. He stopped singing and playing, he was in shock. He looked up at me and I just exclaimed, “Ferrari.” And you know what he said, he said, “What a shit car.” That’s a true story from the summer of 2017. Later. [BLEEP!]

 M I’m glad there was a total solar eclipse over the United States, and no one had a clue of what it means. They were all rushing to like it was Independence Day, celebrating and thinking it’s like the greatest thing ever. But basically it’s the end of American civilization. North Korea’s got a HYDROGEN BOMB now, it’s no longer just the atomic bomb, they’re going to blow up the fucking country and it’s about fucking time. [BLEEP!]

M I’m making comments related to the nauseating and sickening developments down in Virginia with the white right racist posse that’s terrorizing everyone. Instead of removing the statues of Robert E. Lee or Thomas Jefferson we should build a statue of Donald Trump made out of TWIGS and MICE and DOGSHIT on a monumental scale unparalleled in the history of the united States of America. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™ I was just noticing that a lot of people on social media, they’re out and about decrying racism. I think it’s great, but it’s really sad that it took fucking SWASTIKA FLAGS and a body count for people to finally say, “Hey, racism’s bad.” You know, I’ve been saying that shit for years! I’ve been saying it loud, calling it out, and it’s honestly the one thing that has ALIENATED the most people from my life. I can be a pretty big fucking bitch and that is the one thing right there that has caused this—not being a bitch but calling out racism and making friends and relatives uncomfortable. I just think it’s kind of crazy, right, and I think a lot about the people that I no longer talk to, friends, close friends, longtime friends who have stopped talking to me because I was saying Donald Trump was a Nazi. Well, you know, have you been watching the news this week, motherfuckers? Yeah? Fuck you! Bye. [BLEEP!]


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