THIS WEEK: Jaggi, Jagmeet, pipers, Plante, creepy clowns! PLUS: Man predicts disturbing influx of greasy 18-year-olds

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Three cheers for Quebec, our age to buy pot is going to be 18. At least we know and understand reality. In Ontario it’s going to be 19, isn’t that typical. What that means is there is going to be a shitload of 18-year-old ONTARIOARIANS coming to Montreal looking to buy weed and then wandering around our city stoned and clueless. This is something Ontario should think about—wouldn’t they rather have all those 18 year olds back in Ontario safe and sound, buying their pot at the LCBO and their chips and junk food and BIG GULPS at the 7/11? It doesn’t even make business sense. I hope some of these 18 year olds are HOT YOUNG FEMALE ONTARIOARIANS but I doubt it, it will be mainly greasy Ontario dudes. Man, someone should build a WALL. [BLEEP!]

M (with Scottish accent, presumably fake) Wot tae fuck? No more PIPER at Ogilvy’s! Ye bunch of wee cunts, ye need the pipes and the bag shoved up yer arses, along with the WEE KNIFE, 72 years and then some cunt decides to stop it, some cunt in a marketing suit, get tae fuck… bunch of cunts. [BLEEP!]

M Ok, I’m walking along St. Joseph and it’s rush hour, and I see on the other side of the street a PREGNANT WOMEN standing at the curb, and I think, wow, she is extremely pregnant, just about to POP, you know. And then out of nowhere I see this car swerve across two lanes, across the traffic, and screech to a stop in front of her. But the problem is, it is the bus land, and holy shit here comes the BUS! The bus slams on its brakes and sort of swerves and comes to a stop just in time. The woman jumps back, if the driver had a millisecond less reaction time the bus would have ploughed into the car, the car would have ploughed into the woman and bye bye baby and lady. So by now everyone has stopped to watch and the bus driver is honking his horn non-stop, his hand is on it blaring it, saying what the fuck, you fucking idiot! And when I look closer, what do I see on the car, what sticker, take a guess: Uber. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this isn’t so much of a rant as an observation. I don’t think it’s cool how everything is POLITICIZED. I don’t think that entertainers, like music artists or athletes or actors, should be politicizing everything they do. You turn on the TV to watch sports or music awards for WATER COOLER talk, to talk about something we have in common. When people get PREACHY about every single topic, when we have to watch an entire ceremony dedicated to how EVIL TRUMP is, we no longer have anything in common, we’re all polarized on racial line or lines of gender or whatnot. It’s very silly because we just need something so we can sit down and experience ESCAPISM. That’s what entertainment is for. So if you are contributing to that culture of mixing entertainment and politics, please stop encouraging it. It’s not good for us. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t really follow politics too closely but I just heard that the NDP elected Jaggi Singh as its leader. I’m like, really? That’s a bit much isn’t it? Isn’t the guy a hardcore demonstrator… an activist, an anarchist? Are they sure about this? Do they really think he can beat Justin Trudeau, or anybody? But then I’m thinking, well maybe it’s kind of cool, like a Bernie Sanders for Canada, but more hardcore. So I mention this to my girlfriend and she goes, no, you idiot, they’ve chosen Jagmeet Singh. A totally different guy. So I’m sort of putting this out there as a public service, because I can’t be the only one—it’s Jagmeet, not Jaggi. Totally different Singh. [BLEEP!]

F Ok everybody, men, women, children, please get out and vote for Valerie Plante. She would be the first FEMALE MAYOR, and she would get rid of Coderre. Plante for mayor, get rid of Coderre! And besides that, she is kind of hot, in a politician kind of way. Hot in that she looks and sounds like she knows what she is doing. Hotter than Coderre, anyway. Plante for mayor, out with Coderre! [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™, this rant is concerning all of the brouhaha over the national anthem and taking a knee. I think P.K. Subban is the biggest hypocrite in the history of professional sports. When the Habs were out of the playoffs, he was at allof the NBA games—so it’s ok then for him to cozy up to NBA stars and really TRUMP up his blackness, “I’m a black athlete, I’m hanging out in America.” But when he sees the NFL players taking a stance, he can not go in solidarity with them? What the heck is going on here? He’s kissing Gary Bettman on his BIG WHITE ASS. It’s ok for him sometimes to be down with the NBA but now when it really matters, when he can really put forth a strong opinion, he’s saying “No, no, I’m not gonna take one.” So P.K. Subban you’re a big hypocrite, I’m glad you don’t play for the Habs any more, we don’t need you. All you care about at the end of the day is P.K. Subban. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, this is a fucking rant about the fucking DOUGLAS which is the fucking shittiest institution I’ve ever been a part of. They’re keeping me a PRISONER here, they won’t let me go and find my own housing, they gave me a heart attack before my fucking COURT APPOINTMENT. McGill should be ashamed of themselves, they have no right to hire people who have no fucking degree to take care of sick people who have no fucking right in the city to do anything, like get an apartment, get a housing program. They have no fucking services and I’m sick of the Douglas Hospital. Thank you very much, goodbye! [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I’m really annoyed right now because my best friend just left me, and that’s the only friend I have! I’m alone in I’m in high school and I hate my life and I don’t understand why she had to leave me. It’s just because I like to read! What kind of person does that, I don’t understand. I may be a BOOKWORM but that doesn’t mean she has to be a BITCH and leave, like goddam. [BLEEP!]

M I think that since it’s October we need more CREEPY CLOWNS IN LAVAL stalking people at night and just scaring the shit out of them. Creepy people at night around parks. So when you are a little THUG smoking weed in the park and scaring people you see in the distance some creepy clown guy holding BALLOONS just staring at you. I personally would do it but I don’t have the monetary resources nor the time. Also, I’m not in shape at all. [BLEEP!]

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