THIS WEEK: The niqab, a big-ass cross and a savage beating at McDonald’s! PLUS: Everybody dance now!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M What the fuck, it took FOUR COPS to arrest one guy whose only crime was singing an old C + C and the Music Factory Song? Ok, maybe he was singing it BADLY, but still, this is not a crime. I keep saying this—the cops here are out of hand. And this got big news coverage, so now everyone in the WORLD knows it. I am making it a point—everybody should make it a point—to sing or just yell the words “EVERYBOY DANCE NOW” every time you see or pass by a cop. Maybe they will get the message. [BLEEP!]

M Right. So am I the only one that keeps seeing E.P. Bergen, the guy from Bran Van, WALKING HIS BIKE around Little Italy? I don’t know what’s up, is the guy all right? Does anybody know this guy? Could someone reach out and maybe give him a hand? He looks like he’s in trouble. Maybe he should reach down into his pants and grab his balls and make a fucking decision. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, can we talk about Tommy James, and how great every single one of his records is!? Also, what the fuck is a Shondell. That’s what I want to know. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. This is concerning the FIGHT between students in the ESBM in RDP, which was all caught on cell phones, of course—nobody offered to lend a hand to this young man who was getting the piss kicked out of him. It’s disgusting, and as I sat watching it, I said to myself, it all comes from WWE. All of the behavior in this video you can see in WRESTLING. If this is the case, that people under 18 are going to be engaging in acts like this, then I don’t think they should be watching wrestling. Obviously, there is nobody in their life to tell them that it is wrestling—they think it is ok to act that way with another student in real life. Where is the parent to tell the kid what you’re doing is wrong? Wrestling is one thing, giving a SAVAGE BEATING to someone in the parking lot of a McDonald’s, you don’t do that. And the sad part is that nobody lifted a finger to help the victim, they all were standing filming. If this is the way the world is going forward, we’re all in big, big trouble. I couldn’t believe my eyes watching the poor young man getting the shit kicked out of him, and the people standing around like ZOMBIES filming it. Unbelievable. [BLEEP!]

F Yo, Rant Line™. Rant Liners™. What is up all the majority male Rant Line™ callers. Where are all the women? I’m sure women are ranting. Or are they? Are we ranting? Women! Come on! Get your rant on! Also, what is with the hetero-normative standard, in 2017, of identifying the gender in the first place. Please Rant Line™, please, can people just maybe decide their own pronouns? Like, hi, I’m so and so, this is my rant, I identify as non-binary, please put NB. Really, M or F—who are you to decide what our gender is based on the sound of our voices? It just feels really BACKWARDS. Or maybe just put H, or no gender at all. That would be kind of cool, a gender neutral rant line. I kind of don’t really care about someone’s gender, this is all about rants, right? Rants are genderless. Hopefully?… Maybe?… ahh maybe I’m just a naïve little PRINCESS. But the point is, please, please, more diverse representation of all the people. Oh god, you know you are ranting when you contradict yourself and realize it in the same breath, eh? Well I hope you all learned as much as I did. Have a good one. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, I just want to say that it is stupid to run for office in a secular society and make your whole existence and your whole platform basically “Hey take a look at my PINK TURBAN,” and then get mad when people ask you about your religion. I don’t get it. And all the Quebec bashing that is going on, “Oh Quebec is so racist because they are not into religious symbols,” I don’t get that either. It’s like the one thing that Quebec gets right—that and BEER and WINE in convenience stores. Those are the two things that Quebec gets absolutely right! If I ran for public office and I wore a BIG-ASS CROSS, people would ask me about my religion every day, and I’m so WHITE I glow in the dark. So you know, if you want to make something your identity and you want everyone to look at it, don’t get mad when they ask you questions. Jesus Christ. [BLEEP!]

F All this talk about women who wear the NIQAB in Quebec and how it is now illegal, don’t you idiots know that there are only 50 women in the province who wear it?! And that is a generous estimate. I have heard it is low as 10! This is a waste a time, a waste of money, a political appeal to the racist base… completely idiotic. It would be more productive to crack down on MAN BUNS or, I don’t know, SANDALS AND SOCKS or JEANS DOWN THE ASS CRACK, that would be more productive. [BLEEP!]

M This one is very close to my heart, it’s quite IMPORTANT. It’s about le bleu, blanc and rouge, les Canadiens de Montreal and how bad they SUCK right now. They are a pile of shit, dog doo crap. They’re awful. So my idea is, if Jeff Molson has any testicles in those EXPENSIVE PANTS that he wears, remove every Stanley Cup BANNER from the rafters, take them all away, because the Habs live way too much on past glories. If you are serious about winning another Stanley Cup, remove all the old banners. When they win it again, you can put them all back, including the new Stanley Cup banner. Because right now they stink—they are garbage. [BLEEP!]

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