THIS WEEK: Bad neighbours, ghastly murals, pornographic dancing, the Festival de Pot! PLUS: Scott Towel approach to snow removal deemed utter failure!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M First of all I want to say how GHASTLY the two Leonard Cohen murals are. I am not alone. They are absolutely ghastly. They are a testament to the fact that architecture is not appreciated. Please architects, if you are going to design a building, design one that doesn’t need a bloody mural on the outside of it. Ok, now you can all scream and cry because I’ve made fun of someone you will never meet, and did nothing for you. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t like Valerie Plante any more. Bring back Denis. Cheers. [BLEEP!]

F Thank you Valerie Plante for RAISING TAXES on the suburbs and especially the RICH SUBURBS like Westmount and Montreal West. I live downtown, have a BAD JOB and pay too much rent, I am sick of hearing people in the suburbs who live in BIG HOUSES complaining and whining that they are going to have to pay more taxes, as if it is going to kill them. Please, take their money and put it into the city, make it better. Ad more buses, stop the metro from BREAKING DOWN. And also, there should be SPECIAL TAXES on people from the South Shore and Laval, who come into the city and put potholes in the roads and get stupid drunk at the bars and then head back to the 450 with their tails between their legs—make them pay for the experiences. Put up tolls on the bridges, turn them back at the river if they don’t want to pay. Montreal for Montrealers! [BLEEP!]

M Bitching neighbours are ruining this city. First L’Gros Luxe is shut down, and now I hear Divan Orange is closing in the spring. Jesus Christ, these are good places, they bring life and fun to the city—it is amazing to me that a couple of VIGILANTE BAD NEIGHBOURS can have the power to shut down establishments that make a city a city. I heard that at both L’Gros Luxe and Divan Orange it was mainly just a few people who were making the complaints, the same few people phoning in about the NOISE again and again and again. Why do these people live in the city? What are they doing here? A city has bars, it has restaurants, a city has noise. If you don’t want to be part of the life of a city, leave the city! There are many quiet streets in many quiet boroughs, go there for fuck’s sake. Although I am sure that people who complain so much when they are in the city would find something to complain about somewhere else too—they are unhappy miserable fucks who want to make everyone else miserable. They want to kill the fun for one and all. Go move to the SUBURBS and complain about the uncut lawn or the lawn mowers or the shape of the garbage can or—talk about some real noise—the LEAF BLOWERS. But seriously, how do these few people, this HANDFUL OF KILLJOYS, have so much power? Why? Someone needs to do something. Those of us who want to keep our city happening and vibrant and a good place to be, we need to be vigilant too. Pro-noise vigilantes. We need to get on it. They have shut down a VEGETARIAN RESTAURANT. It is not right. [BLEEP!]

F More sexual harassment cases every day. What’s next? GROUPIES? [BLEEP!]

M Could someone tell me please, what is DANCING PORNOGRAPHICALLY? Does this happen here too? Are there any bars one can recommend where this goes on? Not strip bars, I know where those are. I mean bars where regular people dance pornographically? I am sort of serious. [BLEEP!]

M What the fuck is wrong with the people still wearing the CANADA GOOSE JACKETS? It’s not even original or TRENDY or nice, and every second person looks the same. And guess what, your thousand dollar jacket costs so much because there is a DEAD COYOTE on it, and the FEATHERS of geese. Please, if you want to be original, or PRETTY, stop wearing Canada Goose jackets. Go and find something nice and cruelty-free. Why do you have to wear a dead animal? And that goes for all the fur and feathers out there—it’s much better looking on the animal. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is FAIR WARNING to all those asshats who drive very close to me when the city doesn’t clear the sidewalks. If you think it’s funny to drive a few inches away from me when I am walking on the side of the road, keep in mind that I could be carrying RUSTY NAILS on me to scratch your fucking paint. Stay away. [BLEEP!]

F Ok, I heard some guy from the city say that they were using a “SCOTT TOWEL” approach to cleaning the roads and the sidewalks, letting the snow that was already there absorb the rain. It sounded sort of CUTE, and I thought, ok, this could be a good plan. But you know what, this was not a good plan! In fact it was a DISASTROUS PLAN because now you can’t go outside and there are people falling everywhere and they are not falling on Scott Towels they are falling on sheer fucking ice! [BLEEP!]

F Here’s an idea, you know how in the summer Montreal has nothing but festivals, festivals for fireworks, jazz, comedians, lobsters. Well now I saw that they are wondering which festivals will allow legalized marijuana—I think they all should by the way—but even better than that, I think there should be one big marijuana festival. A FESTIVAL DE POT. A massive three-day pot fest, outside, like at the car racing track, or even better, you could totally close off Ste. Catherine street downtown and have blocks and blocks of booths with people selling weed and trading weed and cooking with weed. People would come from all over the world for this! JOINT POUR RIRE. Valerie Plante, are you listening? [BLEEP!]


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