“edited” by Al South
F Hey Happy New year! Hope it’ll be an awesome one. But where the hell is everybody? I just walked through the Plateau and it’s only 30 minutes after midnight on New Year’s Eve, and the streets are dead quiet. Has everyone already given up, or is there some super-cool place I don’t know about yet that everyone went to? Anyway. 2013! Yeah! [BLEEP!]
M Why is there no sidewalk? Why is there no parking? Why are there SKI SLOPES blocking my way at every corner? You know, I heard on the news Friday that it was going to cost the city of Montreal something like $26-million to clean up all this snow, and then nobody came around to clean it up! I’m just wondering if the number was released so it could sink in a bit before the city issued a continuation to the announcement like “… and so we decided that we’re not going to do it.” This city sucks a lot of balls lately. Thanks. [BLEEP!]
F I just got back from the HOSPITAL, where I spent five hours in emergency getting X-RAYS because I fell and twisted my ankle while navigating the uncleared fucking sidewalks a full three days after the BLIZZARD. Nothing broken, thank you, but sprained really bad and I need to wear an AIR-CAST. So I want to offer a hearty Christmas go fuck yourselves to the people who are responsible for Montreal’s new inability to deal with a blizzard. We used to rock this shit, but now we’re like ATLANTA or something. Thanks. I feel a small bit better. [BLEEP!]
F I just heard there might be HOCKEY again, and everybody is all excited. Every idiot male, I mean. I just don’t get it. It is a boring, boring sport. Not only that, it is a totally CORPORATE sport. I mean, maybe a long time ago—years and years and decades ago—it was good. I believe old people when they tell me that. But my god, hockey sucks now. And I hate to tell you, but the Montreal Canadiens—the beloved HABS—suck just as bad—or maybe worse. I went to a game a few years ago—rest assured I no longer am with the JOCK GUY who took me—and I was bored to tears, it was so tacky. The lighting was terrible, the music was CHEESY, and everything was way, way overpriced. Honestly, it was like going to see Celine Dion or the Cirque de Soleil—it was on that terrible level of entertainment. It was just an awful experience. Yet I see people who should know better, people who have good taste in lots of other things, actually caring about hockey, caring about the stupid HABS. God, wake up and smell the coffee—hockey is awful, the Montreal Canadiens and the Bell Center are just abysmally awful, and society is better off if the league and the owners and the rich millionaire jocks stay on strike or in lockout or whatever it is FOREVER. God, it’s just all so CRETINOUS. [BLEEP!]
M Do you really think the PALSIED GUY in the wheelchair at McGill metro station really wants to be dressed up like an ELF? I don’t think he does. I think someone is using him to gather money, then taking his WOODEN BOX of change and spending it on crack and the whores that come with it, while the palsied guy cries alone in a dark room. Either that or the palsied guy is the greatest actor in the world, and he’s just taking advantage of people’s soft-spot for palsied guys, then laughing, hopping up and running home. Someone should look into this. Maybe even me. [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, this is for the people who have SMALL CHILDREN, like, toddler-aged, I guess they call them. The ones who are always sick with one thing or another from always being around other sick little kids in their daycare—which is the place mommy and daddy dump you because they can’t take any of your shit for a single minute longer. Listen, it is the duty of a decent parent to advise friends and family that the little prick they’re toting around at Christmas time is not CARRYING FUCKING DISEASE. So that those of us who are polite enough to pay attention to your child don’t wind spending New Year’s Eve shivering alone on the couch, hacking up slime and wondering if the whole neck down has finally gone full-blown cancer on us. Maybe you could rub these kids down with a disinfectant and keep their mouths covered and WARN US that the kid is sick. Don’t just laughingly tell it to cover its mouth rather than cough directly into everyone’s food or face. The only thing I hate more than kids is dumb fucking adults. Happy fucking New Year. [BLEEP]
F Hi Peep Show Patron. I’m sorry you can’t find anywhere else to go pass a quiet moment of jerking off. But have you tried your bathroom or your shower or—and I’m just going out on a limb here and guessing there’s nobody else in it—have you tried your BED? These all seem to me to be good enough places for you to jerk off alone without sitting down in a puddle of somebody else’s dried up SPERM. Just thinking out loud here. Bye! [BLEEP!]
M Hey Candy and Bambi! You two sound like fun girls to chill with! I don’t have a cock up in my ABDOMEN, but I do have one that will reach up into yours! Is it cool if I stop by and see you, too, or is your offer only valid for SHRIVEL DICK? [BLEEP!}
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