THIS WEEK: Bixis, Bofinger, Great Danes, the Douglas Hospital!
PLUS: An important announcement from Milford Kemp!!
“edited” by AL SOUTH
[Ed’s note: This week’s edition consists of some new rants and some old rants that were banked for reasons of space, taste, sanity or slander.]
M [voice of Milford Kemp] The old decrepit wannabe-JIMI HENDRIX, Milford Kemp, has just been signed to play the lead role of Jimi Hendrix on the Discovery Channel. Shooting August 2-5 here in Montreal! For the first movie or TV documentary in 42 years since his death that has been approved by the family estate. Full rights to the music and the image. Chosen over YouTube, no audition! They saw the American Trash videos and said you to do not imitate, you PERSONIFY Jimi Hendrix. We want you to personify Jimi Hendrix for our movie! We’re gonna pay you lots of money and you’re going to be part of ACTRA, the screen guild. That’s why I do what I do! I don’t want your pennies, I don’t want your dimes, I don’t want your fucking change! I want what God gives me! That’s how God pays me. And that is what you willl never know. I proved to the man I’m as strong as him, because in the eyes of God we are all children of him. The Big Dipper picked me up now he gonna pull me down on the public! YA! And you couldn’t give me a COVER STORY!? You’re CRAZY! [BLEEP!]
M Okay, one question: what is it with GAYS and GREAT DANES? You know, those huge dogs? Are you honestly telling me they’re not having sex with their huge, juicy cocks? Please, clarify it for me. [BLEEP!]
F Hi. I’m just calling about Bixis on the SIDEWALK. If somebody is on a bike, in front or behind me, and rings their BELL at me, I’m that fucking bitch that will not move out of your way. If you’re too chickenshit to ride down the street in traffic, then WALK, because the sidewalk is for mamères and kids under five. Thanks. [BLEEP!]
M This is to the girl who was on MDMA at Radio Lounge. Gee, I know how you feel, sister. When I do DRUGS, I just wish the whole world would stop and do the drug with me. Whenever I do MDMA, every DJ everywhere should be Richie Hawtin. They just automatically become that because I’m on that drug. It’s just like when I smoke pot—all the food in front of me should be pizza. There shouldn’t be anything else. Oh, and there should be only cartoons on TV. And, like, if I do acid, there should only be HINDI CHANTS and copies of the Tibetan Book of the Dead around. It’s the only thing I want to read. And if I do blow, there should be STRIPPERS and COLOMBIAN GUYS saying all kinds of awesome movie lines. You know? And if I don’t have it and it doesn’t happen, I just get upset. [BLEEP!]
M Yeah dude, why go to all the trouble of getting out a bag, bending over putting the DOG SHIT in the bag, tying a knot around the bag and then throwing it on the ground again? You people are worse than HITLER, you’re fucking SHITLER. [BLEEP!]
M To the city of Montreal: I live in St-Henri and I just called work to let them know that I’m not going in because there is no water so I can wash my ass. That is because I took a STICKY SHIT this morning and I can’t flush the goddamned toilet and I can’t wash my ass and I feel like a two-year old wearing a DIAPER. Thank you city of Montreal for your old fuckin’ water pipes, nice going on keeping them updated. I can’t go to work in the year 2012 because I can’t wipe my ass and I feel like I’m in India. Thanks. [BLEEP!]
M Hey, I have an idea for a new festival for Montreal. Festivale de bavure the insane. Free the loonies from the Douglas. Run them through the streets of Verdun like the running of the bulls at Pamplona. It’d be great. It’d be like the ROMAN CIRCUS. It would draw a lot of tourists to Montreal. We all know we have to pay for those bridges, don’t we? [BLEEP!]
M This is a rant about Caffé Mariani’s in St-Henri. For anyone who’s never been there before, it’s like you’ve died and went to HIPSTER HEAVEN. Nothing but douche bags everywhere. But don’t get me wrong, the food is pretty good. [BLEEP!]
M Is anyone else pissed that Bofinger has pretty much doubled their prices in the last three years? It’s insane. I mean, it was always kind of a rip-off, but paying $8 for three giant fucking BEEF RIBS and a little fucking dish of MACARONI wasn’t such a bad thing. Now it’s fucking $16 for the same shit. It’s absurd. And the service there is terrible. If anybody knows of a decent restaurant where you can get beef ribs in this city the size of fucking Bofinger’s, I’m all ears. [BLEEP!]
M People should come with warning labels. Caution: May cause drowsiness, depression, toxicity. [BLEEP!]
M Yo, Rant Line, why do all my female friends say when they get in cabs solo that they happen to get sexually harassed? What is up with Montreal cab drivers sexually harassing our quote-unquote single females? Let’s have some peace and love and just bring them home safely. This is straight out from a good person. Peace. [BLEEP!]
M Hey, Rant Line, right now I’m in the downtown area, it’s a beautiful sunny day, and I have got to say that I appreciate all you women out there showing some skin. Because, let me tell you, we are looking forward to seeing those SEXY SKIRTS of yours. Just shake your asses, show some CLEAVAGE—that’s exactly what we want to see. A’ight? Peace. [BLEEP!]
RL™ TWEET OF THE WEEK I wonder whether the Mirror would have lasted longer or closed sooner if they had never decided the Rant Line was a good idea. @InklessPW