“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Yeah, this is a rant going out to Gabriel Nadeau-Dubois. Never mind working for CSN—get your ass over to the NHL and study the collective bargaining agreement over so we can have some goddamed HOCKEY in this town. Can you imagine another year without hockey in this town? I PERISH the thought. Anyways, Gabby I plead with you —please, call up Gary Beckman, tell him you are interested in the CBA. Please. [BLEEP!]
F This goes out to all you BREAD EATERS. Boycott Montreal bakeries that are shrinking their bread. Buy bagels. Good old fashioned bagels. Same price and same size. [BLEEP!]
M This is the Mohawk Genius. Just wanted to point out that no, in fact you didn’t read right. So maybe we can conclude that ILLITERACY leads to people who shave mohawks into their kid’s heads. Or prove me go wrong—go back and read what I said again. I didn’t say that mohwaks lead to gang violence. I said that you are an idiot for giving your kid a mohawk. [BLEEP!]
F Helllooo! Last night I was walking along St. Laurent after getting my hair cut and it was early evening, and as i walked I heard the song “Pretty Woman,” and it wasn’t very good. It was sort of being sung in an ADAM GREEN sort of way. And I thought, “What lame-ass hipster band decided to record a cover of this song?” But then, you know what? I passed by 3 Minots and there was a guy on stage singing KARAOKE. It was him singing, and he was all alone in the place. Just up there singing to nobody. I had a great night after that. Sing, sing, sing until everything is great! Thanks, stranger! [BLEEP!]
M Rant Line™! What’s up? So you know all these cigarette WARNING LABELS that are supposed to scare the shit out of us about smoking, but only end up being flashed around like “Yo, check out this rotting tongue!” Well there’s one that says, “A single stroke can leave you helpless. Cigarettes are a major cause of stokes.” And the picture is of a dude being gently WASHED by another dude. I think that picture would have a better effect if the stroked-out dude was being RAPED by the other dude. It’s not so bad to have your back washed, but I sure as fuck don’t want to be raped in the ass. Something to think about, Surgeon General graphics department. [BLEEP!]
F What the fuck is happening to the ORANGE LINE? Every morning it’s full of pushy assholes and their idiotic Kindles and Kobos pushing and shoving everyone. Then today I get off the metro LATE AS USUAL and I know something’s wrong—the busker who knows only one song—“Don’t Worry Be Happy” — isn’t SINGING at all. Sometimes he barely half sings, but today he’s screaming like a crazy man in French about his rights—he usually begs for money in English, I guess because the English are richer, right? The cops are there too. And there are these people holding signs at me on the escalators. VOUS ETES UN HERO or something like that. Then all these idiots dressed up like NOT REAL superheroes high-fiving the morons like me as we get off the escalator LATE for work. Some sort of promo to make people ride the metro, I think. Well after today, I ain’t riding the metro no more. I hate Kindle pushers with their white Nautilus bags, I can barely stand the “Don’t Worry B” song and I’m okay if they’re giving away gum or shampoo, but dressed-up people telling me how great I am for almost losing my job by always being LATE? NO MORE. [BLEEP!]
F What is it with you CYCLISTS? You got your bike lanes, you got your rent-a-bikes. Just because the cars are trying to kill you, doesn’t mean you have to try to kill us! Now stay off my sidewalks! [BLEEP!]
M Thank God you’re there! It’s cool that I can call direct from the site now, but what I need this very second is a way to send you a PICTURE from my phone, too. I’m on Sherbrooke near Guy, and there’s some MILF sunning herself laying down on a bench and talking on her phone, and she’s got one leg up, and her bald, milfy GASH is right there for everyone to see. I took a picture, but I can’t send it to you, but you need to believe me. Every guy that walks by has a look of sudden shock as he notices it, and this chick doesn’t have a clue. Am I supposed to tell her? Should I go over and say, “Excuse me miss, your vagina is showing?” Incredible. Anyway, now I’m just kinda hanging around here looking at it, but I guess as long as it looks like I’m making a phone call, nobody will suspect I’m just checking out some free gash. This chick’s the best. Fucking hell, I want to marry her! [BLEEP!]
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