“edited” by Al South
F Bonjour Rant Line™. I woke up this morning to find a PQ minority and the news talking about a MASKED ASSAILANT trying to attack the PQ election RAVE at Metropolis. When I turned on the TV, though, the masked assailant turned out to be an old fat guy in a BATHROBE. Why does the news have to be sensationalised? “Old Fat Guy Wearing Bathrobe Kills One at PQ Victory Rave” would have been mostly ignored and looked at as what it was—a lone crazy guy. Instead, it’s a masked assailant and the English/French war gets a jump-start. Good work, media! Vivre le Quebec fucked ip! [BLEEP!]
F Bad, bad, bad, bad. This whole election was a waste of time and nothing good can come of it no matter which scumbag wins. Bad, bad, bad. [BLEEP!]
M The only way my ballot could possibly have counted would have been had I been able to mark it with INK made from a deadly VIRUS.[BLEEP!]
M Yes, I keep reading about the PQ and their plans for how they will run Quebec, like having mini-referendums on every matter of policy and putting $10-billion into a fund to buy shares in corporations so they could try to influence how that corporation is run. And also they keep saying stuff about not speaking your mother TONGUE if that tongue ain’t French. Well, my tongue is Italian and every day I meet French girls and would like to plunge my Italian tongue right up their asses. Does that count? Please let me know now that you are in power. [BLEEP!]
M I gotta wonder—what’s up with these kids with MOHAWKS. Literally, children with Mohawks. Usually from some sort of non-white ethnic background, although God knows I’ve seen the white kids with them too. I’m just curious—I’ve got kids, I’m open minded. And I do realize that a haircut is very insignificant in the great scheme of things. However, why does your kid need a fucking Mr. T cut?? I don’t get it. What purpose could it possibly serve? What jerkoff fantasy keeps you awake at night saying, I need to cut my kids hair this way or that way, my kid is going to look awesome in a Mohawk? Why don’t you get him some brass knuckles too? Or a GUN, that should be the next step. Cellphone, gun, mowahk. And a bag of weed. [BLEEP!]
M Yo, I just left the Public Enemy show at Olympic Park. Amazing, totally great. But I am going to say to one guy, who had his stupid, fat, bonehead motherfucking face up against the barrier, who BODIED my girlfriend backwards when she tried to dance a little bit—he is lucky his head wasn’t driven so far into the barrier that his DENTIST wouldn’t know how to fill it. Your shirt across the back said FUCK LOVE. Fuck Love. But you were throwing your fist up in the air for everything Flav had to say about people, one unity, all those type of things. You are just the worst kind of narrow stupid piece of shit. You lie with your fist up in the air in the face of greatness because you think you’re a fan. You’re a little bitch. The way you threw my girlfriend, homie, you don’t know how close you came to being hospitalized. You’re gonna get yours, Fuck Love. Your gonna get yours. [BLEEP!]
F Shame on you, Rant Line™. Obesity is a SICKNESS, not a fun thing to laugh about in public. People seem to think it’s still okay to make fun of—or be downright cruel—when it comes to overweight and obese people. But it’s no different than making Jew jokes or calling someone a nigger who is black. It hurts and it’s narrow-minded and offensive. When will people realise that cruel jokes and open derision directed toward the overweight causes serious pain? That is the message the Rant Line™ should be delivering. Not that it’s funny or okay to laugh at overweight people on BICYCLES. Grow up and do the right thing. [BLEEP!]
F Hey girls! Tired of always feeling self-conscious about how much your SKIRTS and SHORTS ride up? Tired of always pulling them down after every few steps or when you stand up? I figured out the perfect way to prevent the embarrassment. Wear longer shorts and skirts! A lady’s HEMLINE should fall a full three-inches lower than her self-esteem. Good luck! [BLEEP!]
M YES! Despite the angry feminazis trying to piss on the parade, FROSH is back, baby! I can see the frightened eyes of my FRESH PREY marching by in matching t-shirts from my office on McGill College. All those DOE-EYED young ladies, so far from home, in need of comfort. Drink up, gals! SKEEVER will be picking up the tab! [BLEEP!]