“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Hey fella. Awesome rant about that missing HASH. Funny thing is, I thought I’d FOUND a BAG of hash not too far from where you say you are. But when I picked up the baggie, it turned out just to be some little rubber thing, like from a piece of furniture or something, so I threw it back down. Wish I had found it, though. Then I could have returned it, and we could have become best friends. Sorry. [BLEEP!]
M Hello, my buddy just called and told you that I was stealing my neighbour’s Wi-Fi, and that he wanted everyone to know I was an Internet thief. Well, I’m just calling to say he’s a drunk piece of shit and I didn’t fucking steal anything—internet or fucking anything. Not ever. So if you decide to fucking print that I’m stealing WiFi from my neighbours, you can expect to hear from a fucking lawyer because I will SUE THE FUCK out of you for defaming me, and this piece of shit can fuck right out of my apartment for even calling you. I hope you know I’m fucking serious. [BLEEP!] [Ed’s note: No calls were made to the Rant Line™ regarding allegations of WiFi theft.]
F I like DOGS, but maybe there are too many of them around the mountain these days. If you are going to bring your dog everywhere you go, SHORT LEASHES are best. Or no leashes. Long leashes are bad for everybody because you’re basically cordoning off a 15-foot area in the middle of a PEDESTRIAN ZONE just so your little dog can sniff some poop or make some poop of its own. That’s not convenient, especially for people on bikes. Use your heads and let’s have a great summer! [BLEEP!]
M Regarding the BUS DRIVER BEATING—all I can say is it is wasn’t hard to see this coming. I don’t want to say it’s payback time, but now maybe all you bus drivers will be a little more patient when I am looking for change or asking for directions. Thank you and good night. [BLEEP!]
M Hey, ladies. I think I know which WHEELCHAIR GUY you’re talking about. And I’ll tell you right now, that guy ain’t licking no pussy worth a shit—he is much more likely to suffocate and die if you straddle him with your wet crotch. If you want it done right, look me up. I can even get a wheelchair from my brother-in-law, who used one for four months last year and never gave it back. Whatever floats your boats. I’m just in it for the pussy eating. Ciao. [BLEEP!]
F The CHAKRA explodes, and each molecule is its own universe. The energy circles and seeks a home, exploring its avenues, discovering its possibilities, floating, floating, watching, watching. If you feel eyes on you, know it is the Eye of the Great Future, which sees all things. I am NOT the Eye, but can see through its pure lens, a borrower of the plan’s path for us all. Take my hand and I’ll take you there. It is not a place for the meek or weak-hearted. Sometimes even beauty can destroy you. Sometimes peace is horrifying. I fall to my knees and throw up my arms and the light burns paradise into my ORB. This is the message I wish to serve, the dinner I hope to prepare for the Rant Line™ chosen, baked in a divine oven of fulfillment and deliverance. The recipe contains no suffering, but there is a shake of pain. Please call me back. My time here is growing shorter. [BLEEP!]
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