“edited” by AL SOUTH
F To the loser throwing around pejorative terms at the HIPSTERS and HASIDS in Mile End. Fair enough, say what you will about the hipsters, that’s a fashion choice, and who knows if it will stick around. But as for the Hasids, dude, seriously, if you don’t like it, move the fuck out of the neighbourhood. One of the reasons that Mile End is so awesome is because the people who have been coexisting her peacefully for generations don’t go around marginalizing one another based on narrow-minded views of one another’s religious beliefs. How about you go back to wherever it is you are from that gave you such a NASTY MOUTH that you thought you could run around FLAPPING at communities you know clearly nothing about. Save us all the trouble of your ignorance, because it doesn’t represent Mile End whatsoever, or the 21st century. On a happier note, how cool is it that as a sign of the acceptance of diversity in this city, one of the most desirable women happens to be TRANS. Awesome 2014! Julie Paquet, fuck yeah! [BLEEP!]
F Beards—your time is over. I’m talking to you, little skinny boys with full bushy beards. It doesn’t make you look macho or OUTDOORSY. Growing some muscles would do that. And I’m talking to you, balding men who think growing stubbly hair on your face makes up for the no hair on your head that you hide under a hat. Why not show us your back hair too? That would be just as sexy. Attention all men: no more beard farming, no more creative facial hair, everyone please stand closer to their razors! Thank you. [BLEEP!]
M I was walking up St. Laurent today and passed a new MISSION for homeless men in Mile End. They were all standing outside it smoking and squinting in the sun, dressed in clothes they got from the Salvation Army or Village des Valeurs. Poor men, I thought, the economy really has taken a downturn. And then I realized it wasn’t a new homeless shelter they were standing in front of, it was UBISOFT. Jesus guys—pull yourselves away from your computer screens and take a look in a mirror. [BLEEP!]
F Hello, Rant Line™. I just want to call to your attention that in the Metro at La Cite there is a notice up from the Office de la Langue francais which, from what I can make out, is certifying their excellent job upholding the charter of the French language, which I guess is a thing. You’ve got to wonder about what would make them decide that’s something to be so proud of that they need to put it up on display at the front of the store. Meanwhile, they can’t seem to do anything about the FRUIT FLIES that infest the entire produce section. Good to see priorities in the right place! Thank you for listening. Bye. [BLEEP!]
F Hi this is about those annoying lights on the COP CARS. They aren’t just in Montreal, because I was practically blinded by them to the point of swerving off the road a few weeks back on the Ontario stretch of the 401. But have you seen these BLACK MUSCLE CARS some of the cops here are driving now? And they have POLICE written on them also in black, so you can barely see it? I guess it’s supposed to be intimidating or BATMANY, but I certainly wouldn’t pull over if some guy in a midnight black muscle car came up behind me, flashing lights or no. I guess police have given up on the image of being friendly and helpful, and have decided they’ll just try to scare everyone into line? [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, that was BILL HICKS who said “If you’re in advertising, kill yourself,” and I know exactly how you feel. I did it for about six years and then went back to school because I used to cry myself to sleep over the evil bullshit and pieces of shit that make up the industry. It’s so rotten, rotten, rotten, and Mad Men is just steering a bunch of fantasists into the business, just in case there weren’t enough misogynistic self-serving scumbags in it, right? Anyway, don’t kill yourself. Walk out and do something else. If you hate it that much, you’re already better than 99 per cent of the people in advertising. Hope this gives you some encouragement. [BLEEP!]
M Suicide isn’t funny, no matter why you do it. So just—if it’s really on your mind—you need to just stop everything and get some help from a professional or even a friend. Life isn’t always fun or happy, but it’s better than no life at all. There are people who love you, even if you don’t know it, or don’t believe it, or even haven’t even met them yet. I’d be happy to meet you for a coffee if you ever need someone to talk to. Let us know you’re all right, okay? [BLEEP!]
M Hello Rant Line™, bad fucking news! No sooner had I called you guys to tell you about my neighbour and her BIG OILY TITS than, wouldn’t you fucking know it, she moves away! God, this is a sad day for me. I used to be able to set my clock by that nightly show. By my estimation, the chances the apartment gets rented by another hot blonde with a need to oil her tits and no need for CURTAINS is precisely zero. Life really does just get worse and worse. [BLEEP!]
F I dunno. It looks like SUMMER, but everything seems too quiet. Is Montreal all grown up now, or something, or has the party moved? Let’s get the party started, all right? Yeah! [BLEEP!]
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