“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Do you know why the media, when they speak of the CAQ party, they never say CACK? They go the C-A-Q party, they never go the CACK party. Do you know why they don’t go the CACK party? Because in the connotations of English, everybody knows what a CACK is. It’s when you’ve got a DRY FART coming around the TURNPIKE and it turns into a HERSHEY SQUIRT. And then you gotta run to the bathroom and drain your jeans and hide in shame for about 15 minutes while you clean your undies because you had a CACK. It’s almost related to CA-CA, you see? Anyway the party is a bunch of collective farts in the first place, like any other political party. Take it easy. [BLEEP!]
M So really, we elected as our premier Francois Legault? The guy who founded Air Transat? You would think that anyone who has ever flown Air Transat, and that’s got to be a lot of Quebecers, would have a suspicion that this might be a bad idea? Surely it isn’t just me who, let’s say, just as one example, spent 15 hours stranded in an airport waiting for an Air Transat airplane that was delayed or cancelled or was just plain broken down and dangerous. For sure it’s not only me—just google “Air Transat horror stories.” And this is the guy we put in charge? Bon voyage, we’re going nowhere fast. [BLEEP!]
F Hello, hello? I thought Valerie Plante was going to fix all this CONSTRUCTION MESS but I swear to god it is worse than it has ever been! Huge SWATHES of the city are like a DISASTER AREA, you can’t get from one place to the next in any reasonable time, orange cones and construction crews spring up over night, roads are closed without any warning, and half the time the construction guys aren’t even working! Or they dig a hole for a few days and then disappear for a few weeks before coming back to fill it up again. Am I imagining this? And I just heard the new Champlain Bridge, which was supposed to open for Christmas, won’t be ready till the summer, if that. What is going on? I mean, I am not a POLITICAL SCIENTIST but it is almost as if her plan, Valerie Plante, and Projet Montreal, is to make the roads so bad for cars that they can get rid of all cars in the city forever! [BLEEP!]
M Ok, so now marijuana is decriminalized, legal, from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and all I keep hearing is people going, “You CAN’T smoke here, you can’t smoke in this sector, you can’t smoke in this part of the city.” So here’s a question for all you politicians and city people—where can I just go peacefully BURN A DOOB? Nothing more. I’m not looking to rob nobody, I’m not looking to cause any trouble, I’m not breaking anything. Where can I just go burn a doob in peace, meet people, maybe have a cup of coffee. Y’know, like the DUTCH. [BLEEP!]
M Well, well, well, weed is running low and the weed stores are going to be closed half the week—great. Good planning. And to the woman ranting about the SAQ ruining her dinner party by closing down on Friday because of the strike, I hear you. Yesterday I was at the local SAQ and they had lined the aisles with BLACK CSN FLAGS and turned all the SIGNAGE in the store—including the fucking country of origin—UPSIDE DOWN. For fuck’s sake, these are supposed to be fun, enjoyable, social pastimes—drinking wine and smoking marijuana—but the government and everyone involved with the government seems to be trying to make the experience as fucked up and MISERABLE as possible. [BLEEP!]
F Hello, I was just calling to say that I am a bit worried about—you know, with the legalization of marijuana—I am a bit worried about all the DOGS who had been trained to sniff out marijuana, when it was illegal. That was what they did all day, what they lived for, these dogs. What is going to happen to them now? Do they still have their jobs? Are they still going to be kept busy? Because work is very, very important to dogs like these, who have been very highly trained to do one specific thing. And if they are not needed for marijuana work any more, I don’t know, I hope they can be retrained to sniff for cocaine, or FENTANYL or crystal meth, or something to keep them busy and feeling productive? I just hope someone is thinking about this. [BLEEP!]
M Hi there, just wanted to say, now that I’m high, that reading these descriptions of the weed you can buy online is really making me laugh. [reads in snooty voice] “Its naturally occurring terpenes emit lemony, sweet aromas with cheese and berry notes.” Say what? CHEESE? Really? Cheese? Or, “fruity sweet aromas with ripe banana notes.” Banana? Ok, so if I can’t taste the banana, do I get my money back? Although I guess banana is better than cheese? But has anyone ever tasted banana or cheese when they’re smoking a joint? I haven’t. I’ve tasted skunk maybe?! [laughs, coughs] Does anyone else think that is all a bunch of HOOEY? [BLEEP!]
F People say they are worried about DRIVERS HIGH ON WEED, I am thinking the opposite. I am hoping that some of the morons who drive like maniacs in their F150s, tailgating and pushing everybody out of the way like they are in a HUMMER or an ARMOURED CAR, I hope these idiots start smoking pot round the clock, or at least before they get into their stupid American trucks. It might chill them out and slow them down, make them drive sensibly in the slow lane, where they won’t be a menace and a danger to all the normal cars on the road. I think it should even be mandatory. [BLEEP!]
M I would like to express my desire, in the Swiftian sense of the term—Jonathan Swift, who wrote A Modest Proposal, about solving Ireland’s starvation issues by cooking children and serving them up as MEAT—my alternative is to say EAT THE FUCKING RICH, because the rich are getting richer and the poor are staying poor. And that’s it. [BLEEP!]
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