This week: Metallica, Sunset Chick, Boris!

Plus: Angelina Jolie ice cream scoop attracts international media attention!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F About the Metallica show. It was a really good fucking show, the only problem is we waited THREE HOURS in line before we could get in. We missed Deftones, Mudvayne, all the other bands. People were selling beer for five bucks outside because of the three hour wait to get inside to see Limp Bizkit and Metallica. You couldn’t get a pizza, a toilet, nothing. Couldn’t they should have set things up more properly so people could get in? I want half of my money back, I missed two thirds of the bands! Metallica rocks! [BLEEP!]

M I’m praying that the SCARY AFFLICTION that’s being passed around the world and that’s done so much damage in Toronto won’t spread to Montreal. I’m talking about Britpop. [BLEEP!]

F Does Montreal actually has a FUNK SCENE. I checked out this band a couple weeks ago and, man, I felt like I should be at a wedding party. I’m sick of all these white guys trying to be in these funk bands, because what the fuck do they actually know about funk? Is there a scene or is it hiding somewhere with all these wannabes? I’m desperate at this rate. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is for the 22-year-old chick and the Ben and Jerry’s employee who are working together to STALK Angelina Jolie. Yes, she’s here in Montreal and, yes, there are many of us Montreal women who find her incredibly attractive, but that is no reason to harass her. She is a single mom here with her son, not some HUSSY looking for a good time. She was quoted in an interview as saying one of the best things about Montreal is the cool people that respect her privacy. Please don’t ruin this positive view of our fair city and drive away Angelina and Maddox. Stop your stalking! [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this is the girl from Ben and Jerry’s again. Apparently, People magazine has been reading the Mirror and they noticed that I was talking about Angelina Jolie. All of a sudden, they’re calling here and they want to know what she’s doing, what she’s been ordering and, personally, I think that’s disgusting. In fact, I regret calling in the first place. I thought it was kind of amusing, I’ve been telling my friends that she’s been coming by, but I don’t understand why People magazine cares! All of a sudden it’s such a big deal that she orders Ben and Jerry’s?! Ooh, Angelina Jolie eats ice cream occasionally! See, I don’t think it matters what kind of ice cream Angelina gets. I don’t think it really matters if her fans come by to see her at Ben and Jerry’s. I think that overall it really shouldn’t be such a big deal and I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place. [BLEEP!]

F I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this but someone’s been posting—like, bolting—NOVELS on random posts on St-Laurent. And I don’t know who you are, but I just want to say that I have a huge crush on you. That’s all. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. This is Boris from the Marijuana Party calling about that young POT SMOKER who can’t seem to get off his ass. I think he should do just that—get off his ass and do something. It’s not because you smoke pot that you won’t be able to do anything in life. I know thousands of people who are just as LAZY who have never smoked a puff in their life. So don’t try and blame marijuana and ruin it for the rest of us. Just shut up or get off your ass and do something. You’re good enough to actually pick up the phone and call the Rant Line™, so you can’t be that useless. Now if you want to do something useful, get a hold of the Marijuana Party and run in the next election and prove that you’re not just a lazy pothead. That’s all I have to say. Have a good day. [BLEEP!]

F What’s up? This is a girl from Montreal who’s been smoking weed for a while. Maybe not 10 years like that guy, but for quite a while. I just want to say that I agree with everything the lazy pot smoker said. I used to have ambition and now I’m just smoking weed, satisfied on my couch, just having sex and cooking and doing my stuff. So if you want to succeed in life and be in the same boring routine, don’t smoke weed, you know what I mean? But if you want to be lazy and get money from ways you don’t even understand, have sex everyday, be in nirvana, then go ahead. It’s the best drug. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this is Sunset Chick, the stupid chick who quit her job so she could see the sun. This is in response to the very angry ANTI-SUNSET rant left by someone who’s obviously really bitter about their job and hates their life. I’m suggesting to this person that they fucking climb the mountain. It takes about 10 minutes. And maybe take some time to watch a sunset or take a walk or fucking do something other than yelling at a STUPID RANT LINE™ about a sunset. Fuckhead. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum