“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Good morning, Rant Line™. This is Regimental Oneton. I just figured I’d tell you a funny story, strictly for entertainment value. It’s about my 12-pound Boston Terrier named Oscar. He’s not CASTRATED because I believe in treating him equally. If I castrated him I’d have to castrate myself and we both know I don’t want to do that. Every morning, Oscar sleeps with me and this particular moment he was on my stomach, getting petted. I have a full length mirror next to the bed, and I turned him over and his little Chanel lipstick was FULLY ERECT. I got worried. Just as I’m tossing him off me, an ARC OF JIZZ goes over him and lands squarely across my face and some of it ended up in my mouth. I ended up throwing him 20 metres across the room, and I’m not a violent person. So I just started spitting on him, spitting his sperm back on to him as my girlfriend laughed her ass off for about 45 minutes. So needless to say we have a very good, fully functioning relationship. I’ve tasted his and I’m looking forward to him tasting mine eventually. Have a nice day! [BLEEP!]
M I’m calling from the bathroom of the Biftek. They have got to get their shit together considering their HAND DRYERS. I just washed my hands and the air flow just sprinkled out. I paid $400 for these fucking jeans, ok, they are not a towel! [BLEEP!]
M I’m at the Barfly and there are these OLD GUYS talking about “Tangled Up in Blue” being the best song ever recorded. I just want to say fuck you to “Tangled up in Blue,” fuck you to BOB DYLAN and fuck you to old guys in bars. [BLEEP!]
M Hello, my name is Edward. This is a shout-out to the KILTS at Ye Olde Orchard Pub. I’d like to go SPELUNKING under those kilts. So yeah, keep it up ladies! [BLEEP!]
M Hey Rant Line™, I’m calling about these ridiculous METRO COPS—the STM idiots that you see standing around on the metro platform all dressed like they are Anaheim SWAT. What are you going to do, check my ticket? Jesus Christ, you are hardly any sort of law enforcement official. Fuck you guys. [BLEEP!]
M What ARTIST uses another man’s house to practice their UGLY DOODLES on in the middle of the night and without that man’s permission? You’ve got to be either a lunatic or a sociopath. [BLEEP!]
M Hi kids! I haven’t called in a while but I just wanted to say I smoked a little DOOBIE and I am watching the Olympics and it’s awesome! But I have something else on my mind—what is it with athletes doing publicity for Cover Girl? Makeup? Like, seriously? At the Olympics!? If there is one thing that is real, it’s athleticism. What the fuck does makeup have to do with it? I really don’t understand. [BLEEP!]
F Listen up motherfuckers, this is the 12 Gauge Minx making my monthly rant. Ok, my number one rant is, how many times do I have to hear news reporters, or anyone doing some kind of media coverage, and they’re talking about London and they have to throw in the across the pond reference? Seriously, is that the only thing we know what to say about London or England? Across the pond? ACROSS THE FUCKING POND?? [BLEEP]
M Life was better when you could smoke in bars. [BLEEP!]
M Hi. I guess this is a rant about PARENTS, people who have kids. I am pretty sick of listening to co-workers talk about how difficult it is to have kids. I don’t mind an anecdote here or a story there, or even a daily thing, like “this is how hard it is to raise kids.” But I don’t want to constantly hear how it’s some kind of BURDEN that’s been put on them by the world. You decided to have fucking kids! I’ve ABORTED three kids! I could have three children now, but I was, like, fuck that. And they got vacuumed flat by MORGENTALER’S PEOPLE. They’re gone. And to hear people going “Wahhhhh, it’s so fucking hard to have kids,” I don’t give a shit! You took that on. That’s your fucking deal. It’s not something I imposed on you. Getting them vacuumed out is a choice, having them is a choice. Live with your fucking decision, and fucking get over yourself. You are not more important than anyone else because you had fucking kids. That’s my rant. [BLEEP!]
M [sounding suspiciously like Senator Clay Davis] Hey, it’s 100 degrees outside and I’m calling about all the bitches walking around with their big sweaty JUBBLY titties. And if I say, “Hey, you got some sweet titties,” why you look at me like a piece of shit? I’m just giving you a compliment! I ain’t looking to rape you or no shit, I’m just giving you a compliment on your titties. Sheeit! Can’t a guy tell you you got nice titties without you getting all up in his face?? [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, I’m trying to meditate on getting into all the ANGRY THINGS in my life, thingsthat I hate, trying to let that stuff go. And lo and behold I came upon a TRUTH: if you hate something, let it go. If it comes back to you, man, you really hate that shit. [BLEEP!]