“edited” by Al South

F On another CHOM-sucks-related note, why is it every time i see a guy in a CHOM t-shirt, he’s all LEATHERY like he’s been working on a PIRATE SHIP? I never see buff, handsome young men with an air of kindness and intelligence about them. Just these loud, arrogant, grizzled 40-somethings with long pony-tails and dirty jeans. Everything about CHOM needs a makeover. If I were them, I’d stop handing out t-shirts to very negative human billboards. Give them to some good-looking people, instead. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I’m ranting about the cost of living right now. I went to Four Fools on Parc Avenue and a pound of butter is $6.50. A pack of hot dogs is $5. I went to Renaissance used clothing store for the poor, a pair of winter boots is $25. It was $6.99 for something to cook a pound of beans. Well, ya, it’s turning me into a HOLY MAN eating BIRD SEED and staring at the CLOUDS because there ain’t nothing to buy. That’s my rant. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Hi this is Nicole again calling about Daniel. I just want to say he’ll know when and where to find me. Passeport. When? He’ll know. And who cares about Ethan Hawke! I don’t care about Ethan Hawke! The editor MANIPULATED my message, he didb’t even put everything in there. It’s embarrassing enough trying to find someone through a Rant Line™! [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is for the chippie looking for DANIEL. I don’t know if it helps any, but I also have TEETH that are similar to Ethan Hawke’s. My body is similar to Ethan Suplee’s, but since it’s teeth you’re wet for, maybe we can have a go at things. Reply to me here. In the meantime, I’ll go floss and whiten. [BLEEP!]

M Lance Armstrong. Hmmm. Stripped of all his cycling titles. So now first place is vacant. But the second place guy doesn’t get all the endorsements? So Lance Armstrong, the fastest and the best cyclist of all the DOPERS. Atta boy. Lance Armstrong. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, this is to the guy—and I guess the other person—who ranted about the super heroes ad campaign. It’s not for the STM, it’s for Interac, which I guess makes the whole thing even stupider. At least an STM camapign about being a hero for saving the environment makes a bit of sense, but the Interac super hero thing is beyond me. The AD GAME is not what it used to be, and I know, because I’m in it! Too much crap making it to the client end. Anyway, just wanted to set the record straight. Back to listening to the Art Director fag out over an energy drink. [BLEEP!]

M While you’re so busy being judgmental, just remember that inside every fat person, there’s a skinny person trying to get out. And once that skinny person gets out, they’re so HUNGRY they just eat everything in sight. And that’s where fat people come from. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah I just got home from a nice night with my friends, and on my way across Mont-Royal, I get accosted by these two fucking idiots who opened the exchange with “Hey, are you famous? Are you a CELEBRITY?” I’m not, so I had no idea what the fuck, so I tried to just keep walking and then one of them says, “Hey, so you’re too good for us because you’re famous?” and I said “Sorry. Don’t know what you’re talking about.” And then these assholes get all hostile and start saying “What have you been in if you’re so famous?”” and like getting up close to me, and one of them SHOVED me, and then a squad car slowly pulled up so they walked away. But, like, what was that all about? I feel like going out to look for them right now with a fucking CLEAVER. Way to ruin a guy’s night. [BLEEP!]

M Rant Line™, please advise—is there still AIDS? I don’t hear much about it any more, and I need to know if I can start BAREBACKING again. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

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