“edited” by Al South
F Hey, so there’s no HOCKEY? That’s fucking awesome! [BLEEP!]
M Hello. I’m calling to complain about the NHL LOCKOUT. I think it’s pretty shitty that neither the owners nor the players give a half-a-shit about those of us who DUMP a half-week’s pay into game tickets, and who watch every game and support the Habs even though we all know they’re going to eat dick again and again and again. People are living paycheque to paycheque and having their homes taken away, and these guys are fucking us out of our one joy because they can’t agree on who should get a bigger piece of their pie? Fuck that! And what the fuck am I supposed to do with myself? I should be watching the Habs suck up a storm, but there’s nothing. Guess I’ll just fucking play with myself until the rich cocks get their shit together. [makes grunting sounds] There. I came. Now what? [BLEEP!]
F Hi Rant Line™, this is NICOLE, the girl that called about DANIEL. I said his TEETH are similar to Ethan Hawke. Like, T-E-E-T-H. Not cheeks! He’s going to think I’m CRAZY. And even that sounds crazy, someone liking somebody’s teeth. That sounds crazy in itself! So ya, it’s teeth, not cheeks. And actually, his teeth are not really like Ethan Hawke, now that I think about it. It’s just… I don’t know… I can’t describe his teeth—but I like his teeth. Not his cheeks! [BLEEP!]
F Hey Rant Line™, can we talk about the 55? The fucking 55 south? How every single time I’ve taken it in the past two months, it’s been 10 minutes late, minimum. Except when you need it to be 10 minutes late I’m waiting for it right now—it’s fucking 11 minutes late! Fuck this fucking bus line. And there is never an APOLOGY of why it is late. That’s the worst part. It’s always, hey, I am the 55, of course I am 12 minutes late! [BLEEP!]
M Yo, I have a pretty straightforward rant for you. First time ranter here. Seriously, Montreal, get some goddamn 24 hour delivery! ANGELA’s is the only place that delivers 24 hours, and they only deliver till 6 a.m. And right now they are not even picking up their phone! Seriously, we need 24 hour delivery now! [BLEEP!]
M Why are the Bell installation idiots allowed top put PYLONS around their trucks? I keep seeing these gay little trucks parked in regular parking spots with orange cones at either end, like something actually important is going on there, like a gas leak or water main is getting fixed. But all they’re doing is installing a phone or hooking up an Internet connection for some new sucker that doesn’t yet know just how expensive and shitty Bell is compared to everything else available. It drives me crazy. Somebody needs to punch Bell in the fucking face already. [BLEEP!]
M This is for the woman who complained about the SUPER HERO PEOPLE high-fiving her in the metro. I think that was part of some sort of STM ad campaign about using public transit instead of driving your own vehicle, because you’re being a hero by saving the environment and the world. But, yeah, if I had to see assholes in super-hero costumes on my way to work first thing in the morning, and then they wanted to high-five me on top of that, it would make me want to DRIVE everywhere, completely alone. It wouldn’t matter to me if trees fell dead as my car passed by and birds fell out of the sky. We should all dress up as Super Villains and go beat the crap out of the Super Heroes. That’d make for some good news coverage. [BLEEP!]
M Oh ha ha ha! Did you feel the EARTHQUAKE? Oh, ha ha ha! Listen to my idiotic story about what I was doing when we had an earthquake! Jesus. What the serious fuck is that? Why am I being bothered with assholes telling me earthquake stories? Nobody cares what you were doing. And when it snows, nobody will care how long it took you to drive home in the SNOW. Spare me the fucking fascinating tales of how you coped with relatively banal environmental occurrences. Do you think anyone in Haiti said “Oh, ha ha ha! Did you feel the earthquake?” while they were trying to find their kid’s CORPSE in the rubble? Fucking fuck. People need to understand when there’s absolutely nothing worth talking about, then they need ti shut the fuck up. Oh, ha ha ha. Did you read the earthquake rant on the Rant Line™? Cunt mouths. [BLEEP!}
M Is it just me, or are there more and more FAT PEOPLE? I see them everywhere, doing that fat person shuffle—you know? The WADDLE thing from their stiff knees? I’m pretty sure I used to have to go all the way to the southern U.S. to see this kind of hog race. Cut out the processed foods and poutine, Montreal. There’s a beautiful thin person trying to get out. [BLEEP!]
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