ON THE STREETS IN CULT!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Those men in the CHOM t-shirts aren’t CHOM listeners, dear. They’re homeless people. Have a heart. [BLEEP!]

F Hey about the CHOM t-shirts on the grizzled, old guys. You forgot to mention the FRINGED JACKETS. The CHOM old guys are also fond of those fringed jackets that I think you can only buy at souvenir shops on the RESERVES and in Texas. Just wanted to add that. [BLEEP!]

M Well hello, Rant Line™ It’s the most wonderful time of the year again. That weekend when every young lady turns her thoughts to what character of lore and legend can best be SLUTTIFIED for Halloween. Slutty Snow White? Slutty Cop? Slutty Nun? Almost every fairy tale girl or profession or movie character becomes a slut! Which makes me wonder—I’m going to a Halloween party tonight, and then probably I’ll do a bit of pub crawling. Which women will I have the most success with? The one whose tits are spilling out of her Little Red Riding Hood BLOUSE, or the one covered head-to-toe, pretending to be modest? Do the real sluts dress up as someone who is not slutty? I don’t know, and that’s just one more reason women are so fucking impossible to understand. Trick or treat? I’ll keep you posted! [BLEEP!]

M Hey I’m calling to Montreal to encourage Montreal to pull up your fucking PANTS. I’m tired of seeing everyone’s asscrack. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey I was on St. Laurent and a bunch of fucking douchebags were kicking in CAR DOORS up and down the street up until Ontario. So I confronted them, and they jumped into their car, so I decided to kick their car. And then they SHITSTOMPED me. I fought with a couple of them, and a BOUNCER from a club jumped out and helped me fight them. Then the cops showed up and shit degenerated. Either way, whoever’s car got fucked with that night, at least some JUSTIFICATION was made because at least I stood up for something. It pissed me off and my fucking skull is split open. So fuck them and… awesome. [BLEEP!]

M Billy should play all FUNK tomorrow, if he doesn’t he’s a little bitch. [BLEEP!]

M H, I’m calling to rant about our little problem with corruption here in Montreal. I MARVEL over the idea that we could paralyze the city over tuition increases and yet, when we find out how our politicians and our bureaucrats and our engineers and those we entrust with our standard of life in Montreal have gone completely AWOL for over 30 years, I don’t see one person with one sign downtown complaining. It kind of tells me you get what you pay for, don’t you think? [BLEEP!]

F Hi. You know where would be a good place for BIXI stands on roads already reduced to one driving lane because of the bike lane? In the bike lane! Why do I have to drive around in circles looking for parking while these BIXI stands take up three perfectly good parking spaces and asshole BIKE TERRORISTS ignore the rules of the road? Put the BIXI stands in the bike lanes or on the sidewalk. Montreal’s planning committee is so fucking useless. [BLEEP!]

M This is the Mohawk Idiot or Mohawk Asshole, whatever it is we left me at. If you hated me before you’re going to think I’m a real shit-shovelling piece of TURD now. You know what crossed my mind today? That people with Asperger’s, they’re not really retarded! You know what they are? They have smart-ass-perger’s. They’re so smart they PRETEND that they don’t see the line between what is appropriate and inappropriate to say to people. And they get off on that shit. That’s right. They get off on it like a roller coaster ride to the moon. They don’t have Asperger’s, they have smart-Asperger’s. Think about it. Think about that. [BLEEP!]

M Why do they even GIVE medals for riding a BIKE? Even if you’re riding up a mountain for two days, it’s still just riding a bike. The only thing stupider is giving trophies for driving a CAR. You drove your car the best of all these guys driving a car—here’s a big trophy and a BEER endorsement contract. And why do champion drivers promote alcohol, the one thing they tell everyone to stay the fuck away from if they’re going to drive? It’s all so stupid I might CRY. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™ CUPID. Since you’re in the MISSED CONNECTIONS business these days, I’m looking for the sassy little brunette with short hair who was wearing a BOWLER HAT and some tattered garters on Sherbrooke Street this past Saturday. She was with her friend and she sort of looked toward me without noticing I even existed, but I’m sure that was just her way of being cool about our UNDENIABLE and immediate connection. So if you’re out there, my CLOCKWORK Valentine, it’d be great to get together with you and talk some LITERATURE and maybe see where this whole thing goes. Pick up the phone. Love is waiting for you on the Rant Line™ [BLEEP!]

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