“edited” by AL SOUTH
M What up Rant Line™, so happy to see that you are still there. My rant today focuses on Mumford & Sons. I cannot stand them. I cannot believe that Montreal’s only rock station, CHOM FM, is playing this crap. There are BANJOS on it, for chrissakes. That’s not rock. That’s a frickin’ bluegrass song—being played on CHOM! I cannot believe this and it’s gotta stop. Bring back some real heavy music on CHOM and stop playing this MILQUETOAST. Please. [BLEEP!]
F Hey Halloween Slut STALKER—hope you had a great night creeping out those of us who didn’t consider the idea that we were going out to put on a show for you and and the LITTLE ZOMBIE PEE-PEE that controls so much of your lonely life. Get fucked, loser. Maybe it’ll help you deal with your misogyny better. [BLEEP!]
M To the Halloween Guy looking for SLUTS. Dude, first of all, you sound like a WOMAN HATER. Secondly, this Halloween of all Halloweens was the year when everybody with a mouth had to point out that slutty costume thing. This debate never stops! Women and sluttiness. I’m a dude and I like a REVEALING OUTFIT as much as the next dude, but fucking let it go. I’ll also add that every lame writer in North America and beyond has had their say about it. Get over it. And what about all the douchebags who dress day-to -day just to get laid, as if there GREASE is going to attract women? Halloween versus 365 of greasy douchebags. And then the stupid question about the modest girl—is she the slut? Dude, you hate women. Good luck ever getting laid. [BLEEP!]
M Hey what’s up Rant Line™. I’m totally DRINKING with my boss right now. It’s a blast. [BLEEP!]
F Hey Rant Line™, where are all the guys who love SPRINGSTEEN as much as I do? [BLEEP!]
F I just wanted to let everyone know that there is indeed STILL AIDS. It’s out there and it’s waiting to kill you. But it was too hard to make money off of AIDS. People were hesitant of giving money to charities trying to find a cure for AIDS because of all the sex and needles required to get it. They tried to make it all sad by talking about AIDS babies for a while, but the public didn’t bite, so they just stopped trying to sell AIDS altogether, and went back to selling CANCER. Oh! The Cancer Bogey Man will get you! Donate now! Give us ALL your MONEY so we can fight cancer! Yeah. The only diseases that get talked about are those promoted by the INDUSTRIES that can profit from people being scared of them. No way to make money off it, no discussion. That’s how it works. But, yeah. Stay away from AIDS, because until there’s AIDS-covered cancer that you can get from eating processed foods, nobody will do anything about it. It’s a little sad, actually. [BLEEP!]
F So it’s Saturday night here and I’m staying home because I’m a bit FLU-ISH, and there is absolutely nothing on TV. So I’m forced to watch Gossip Girl in FRENCH. But you know what’s the worst part? What the hell is with the French commercials? I mean, all commercials are dumb, usually, but this is like a whole new world of dumb commercials that I’m scared to think someone thinks are supposed to be funny. I’m proud to say I’m Canadian when it comes to talking about Canadian comedy. It’s usually clever, maybe a little HIGHBROW. But this Quebecois stuff is a far shot from that. Take some time and watch French television, and pay attention to the commercials, and you’ll see what I mean. Embarrassing. Thanks for your time, guys. (bleep)
M Am I the only one who walks by a No Parking sign—the ones with the BIG P with a circle and a line through it—and instantly wants to pee on it? I’m not, right? [BLEEP!]
F In response to the Corruption Marveller in Montreal. Do you really think that Montrealers are surprised at what’s going on in city hall. I mean, most of us already knew about that, and the only difference is that the media wasn’t talking about it. The MAYOR could just sit pretty in his home and pretend that everything was ok, because he wasn’t being exposed. This is nothing new. The only difference is that now the media is actually paying attention. And the reason most people aren’t on in the street protesting right now against the city is because something is actually being done about it—there’s a commission going on, it’s being investigated. But don’t kid yourself, there have been rallies against this administration for years. For many different causes having to do with municipal problems. For years. It’s all coming into my head, man. This time, most people are just happy to follow the headlines for once and sit at home laughing. This guy is going to get what he deserves, all of them are going to get what they deserve— hopefully. But let this be a lesson to all Montrealers—when only 34 per cent of you get out and vote in the municipal election for the same guy who’s been doing this shit, you also get what you deserve. Maybe consider some alternative next time. We didn’t need this mayor this election this time around anymore than we needed him the last time. [BLEEP!]
F So that’s it for Tremblay. Off he goes, disgraced and bizarre, with his weird bald head and NAZI-SCIENTIST EYE GLASSES. I just wish he’d have announced his resignation and then rode off on a BIXI! [BLEEP!]
M And take your fucking bike lanes with you on the way out, Tremblay! [BLEEP!]
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