“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hey, about that EARTHQUAKE. I am not shitting you here. I was BANGING a chick, really waxing her ass, and the earthquake happened. She was like, “Stop, it’s too much, you are making the earth move!” [laughs uproariously] I couldn’t believe it myself. I am not shitting you, man. It’s one for the RECORD BOOKS. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™, glad to see you are back up and running. Never leave us again. This is for the girl calling in to complain about the Rant Line™. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. Bitch, there are enough people out here who actually enjoy a little humour in their day. Have a good one. [BLEEP!]

M @mydick #cult#montreal#cultmontreal SUCKS. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, Nipple Ranter, those “two little fingers” you saw sticking up weren’t saying “CHECK ME OUT.” They were saying “up yours, you sad loser.” Fucking disgusting. [BLEEP!]

M So I have been walking through the streets lately and for some reason it is the season to get rid of your TVs—those huge TVs with the TUBES inside. Not the slim ones. So basically what happens is that these idiot people just leave these TVs on the street and some kids come and SLEDGEHAMMER the shit out of that. So we end up these shit TVs outside in pieces. Its pollution, you know. I am just concerned about pollution. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this the Winter Is Coming Guy from last week. What the hell, Rant Line™? I called you with a perfectly valid rant and wanted to throw a perfectly valid fuck you to the dicks who probably have no clue that there are three more BOOKS-worth of events that true Song of Ice and Fire fans already know about, because we’re not waiting to see it on TV. And then instead of printing it, you edit it and go and send a fuck you to me! Maybe the Rant Line™ is also filled with TV watching illiterates? Well guess what? [Gives another major SPOILER, this time from A Dance with Dragons, that a sub-sub-editor was hired to listen to, transcribe and delete]. You don’t need to print that one. That one was just for you guys! Valar Morghulis, bitches! [BLEEP!]

M Ok, enough about CHOM. We all know CHOM sucks. And if you like CHOM, we have to agree to disagree. But here’s one to ponder instead. What is up with the music that plays in every Couche-Tarde? They could have satellite radio on any channel, they could be piping in anything. But what you hear is KEB versions of other types of popular music. I swear to god, one out of three times I walk into a Couche-Tarde I hear some kind of crazy punk-ska uber-patriotic SEPARATIST band playing. Right now, I just heard what sounded like an old man trying to rap in French. Snapping in his fingers, with a female chorus. Here’s what I suggest—every time you go into Couche-Tare, when they ask you do you have everything you need—matches, milk, a lotto ticket?—say, I would like to request you guys play some other music! Everyone go up and request “Iron Man.” Wait, that would be CHOM-ish. Or does CHOM even play “Iron Man”? Probably not. Everyone go up and request “GANGNAM STYLE.” [BLEEP!]

M So I was taking the elevator from the McGill Residence building on Park down to the grocery store, and on my way out I almost hit a LITTLE ASIAN GIRL in TINY SHORTS who was not paying attention to where she was going. She said “Oh! Sorry, sir!” The fuck’s that all about? For fuck’s sake, I’m not even spitting distance close to 40. I’m not some FAT BALD GUY. I still have plenty of years of banging college girls ahead of me. Right? Well? Am I fucking right? [BLEEP!]

F Um, I was DANCING at Passeport and I was in my own world and I wasn’t thinking of anyone, until someone came over and started dancing with me. And it was so sudden but it felt COMFORTABLE and right. But I was so stupid that I didn’t get the guy’s contact info. I’ve been trying to find him all week—so now I’m calling the Rant Line™. His name is Daniel, he’s a musician, he’s black French-American. He’s from France but his father lives in TENNESSEE and he lives in Montreal but he wants to go back home with his father. I just want to meet him again before he goes, and I regret not giving him my number. What else? He has a friend named Christina. My name is Nicole, he knows my name. He doesn’t know my last name. Also, he asked me if I believe in god. And the answer is yes—sorry, I made a mistake, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I don’t know his age. He has FRECKLES on his face, he is light-skinned, his cheeks were kind of distinct, he had cheeks like ETHAN HAWKE. He dresses like the lead singer of the Cult. That’s what I remember in my mind. I wish I knew if he was in a band or solo. I just can’t find him anywhere—I don’t have enough information. I’m frustrated but I’m hopeful. I hope he sees this rant. If not, I guess another week of going CRAZY. [BLEEP!]

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