“edited” by AL SOUTH
M I always wondered why you guys are always so down on Montreal RADIO, and then I realized I don’t actually listen to Montreal radio—or any radio—and then on Monday I got stuck in a two hour—TWO FUCKING HOUR—traffic jam on the way back to town from the West Island and I figured I’d turn on the radio to find out what the fuck was going on. So I tuned into CJAD and listened to 10 minutes of AARON FUCKING RAND while I waited for the traffic report to see what the cause may be, and when the traffic finally came on, they didn’t mention the traffic jam at all, or even the 40 East!! Jesus. I’ll say this again: It was a TWO FUCKING HOUR TRAFFIC JAM, and CJAD didn’t seem to know anything about it. So then I tuned to the TEAM 990 and I wasn’t really listening until I noticed after about 5 minutes that it seemed to be stuck in a LOOP. Then I realized the loop was telling me to switch over to 690. Well, I didn’t. I tuned in to my own excellent programming, courtesy of my MP3 player, and that helped me through the enormous pain in the ass of a huge yet somehow completely unnoticed traffic jam. So, yeah. Looks like you were right again, Rant Line™. Keep up the good work! That is all. [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, hi, it’s the Cigarette Warning Label Guy again. What about that one with the guy who looks like Stacy Keach with a HOLE in his THROAT saying, “I wish I’d never started smoking?” Dude. If it weren’t for smoking, you never would have had the opportunity to become a CANCER MODEL. That’s a thing, you know? For all these anti-smoking and anti-whatever campaigns, they need people who are sick as shit for the pictures, so they find cancer models. Just like they need people with nice hands to be, whatever, watch models, or nice feet for sandals, or whatever. Cancer models. People with particularly photogenic cancer. What do you figure something like pays? [BLEEP!]
M Hey, this is for the girl who thinks the Pizza Pizza Guy threw away his pizza because he was DRUNK and angry. Has it occurred to you that buddy just didn’t like the pizza? It’s not like Pizza Pizza is any sort of culinary delight. Why do people have to be all hippy gay with their, “don’t be angry, someone loves you” stuff. Oh! You think your pizza is shit? All you need is a hug. No, moron. I need better pizza. What’s wrong with everyone? Goddamn. Peace. [BLEEP!]
F Hi, Rant Line™ crew. First, let me say I adore you! I LOVE the Rant Line™. But, and this isn’t a CRITICISM, I sort of have to agree with that other girl who said people should call in with something really NICE to say about Montreal. You don’t have to look too far to find something wrong, but all the small things that put a smile on our faces and make us feel like life isn’t so bad, and work isn’t worth stressing about and stuff—those things never get noticed or shared. People prefer complaining! So don’t change what you’re doing, but maybe publish some nice things, too! Love you guys! [BLEEP!]
M Oh hi, Rant Line™! You’re so BEAUTIFUL. I was walking by this TREE and it was so beautiful. Everyone should go see it and have its beauty wash over them and make the whole world seem better! Really! Head over to it right now! It’s just over there, in the park, right next to the used condoms and garbage! Oh, what a beautiful tree! I think that I shall never see a poem so lovely as this tree! And that’s why people don’t call the Rant Line™ to talk about the nice things they’ve seen. Because it’s retarded. Everything’s shit. [BLEEP!]
M Maybe I’m crazy but I’ve noticed a propensity in divorced Québécois women to go for the Asian guy after the three kids and a husband thing doesn’t work out. A lot of them keeping company with Asian fellows. I’m really wondering if I’m imaging things or if there is a reason—if it’s a cultural trend or a cool new thing that I should know about. By the way, I’m not Asian nor a Québécois woman, but I’m curious. [BLEEP!]
F Hey, could I get an address on the guy who’s going to drop his TOWEL and JACK OFF in his front window? I sort of get off watching that sort of thing. Thanks! [BLEEP!]
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