“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Will somebody please tell that douchebag DJ at CKUT to stop fucking TALKING over the songs. That motherfucker has me yelling at the radio while I’m in my car as he talks over the first 30 seconds of every song. Fuck you! [BLEEP!]
F Hi, this is for SOME GUY who walked out of a Pizza Pizza on Friday night, threw his pizza at the garbage and then walked away. I just wanted to let you know that whatever made you so mad, it’s not worth it. And you seemed quite INEBRIATED. So don’t worry about it. Someone LOVES you. Bye. [BLEEP!]
M Ok I am walking down the Main, it’s 3 am. What am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to be a TRIPPING Rastafarian looking at these BAD LIGHTS that they put up on either side of the street? [BLEEP!]
M Wait—someone is saying the Gazette isn’t any good? That the Montreal Gazette published POOR QUALITY material? That the motherfucking Montreal Gazette may not be the BEST NEWSPAPER ever? Oh my sweet serious fucking God! What an earth-shattering expose on the state of the media in Montreal! Next you’ll be telling us that CJAD is a sack of shit! Or that—could you even fucking imagine?—CHOM sucks a BAG OF COCKS. Anyway, keep up the hate towards the Montreal Gazette, but, fuck me, dude. It ain’t news to anyone that they’re shit. Thank you so much. [BLEEP!]
F I know it’s called the RANT Line™, but why does everyone who calls you have to be so angry all the time? Maybe you should encourage people to call you to talk about the BEAUTIFUL things that happen to them. Instead of saying they hate this or got robbed or saw something they hate, they can talk about seeing a person give up their seat on the Metro, or someone holding a door open. Or they saw a particularly beautiful TREE on such-and-such street. It might work wonders for everyone’s spirit and morale. Anyway, you’ll probably delete this message, but I wanted to at least speak my feelings. Peace and love and happiness! [BLEEP!]
F Hey there! Why is there so much talk about fucking and needing to get fucked and wanting to get fucked on the Rant Line™ these days? Sounds to me like a city suffering from some intense SEXUAL FRUSTRATION. How very un-Quebecois! Aren’t we supposed to be the loosest, most sexually-open province in Canada? I am shocked! Maybe a bit of quiet masturbation will take the edge off. Better than coming and screaming about it all here, don’t you think? [BLEEP!]
F I just want to say that without the Rant Line™ I’d never crack a smile. Like I mean fucking never. [BLEEP!]
M I saw the Rant Line™ retro flashback to 1997 and I wondered, what ever became of GOTH GIRL. Is she Goth Mom now? Or Goth Bank Teller, still painting her nails black? Also, did that chick ever fuck the lead singer from Hansen? And where are all the muff-diving lesbian crack-whores now? It’s cool that you put up the old rants, but it’d be even cooler if some of the people who did the ranting checked in to give us a status report on how things turned out all these years later. Ciao. [BLEEP!]
F Hi. I just wanted to give the sister who called in about OLD GUY CAPS a bit of info. If what you’re talking about is what I’m thinking about, they’re called Pub Caps, and are a spin on Ivy Caps, which were made of heavier fabrics, like wool. They were a UK staple a long time ago, so probably the old guys you see wearing them are old English or Irish or Welsh guys, who think they’re hanging on to a bit of their heritage. SKINHEADS used to wear them. Maybe they still do. And I’ve seen hipsters wearing them too, but I don’t know if it’s because they’re balding or just dumb Irishmen. The cheaper, shitty ones are Pub Caps and can look like real crap because of the cheap fabrics and usually ugly colours. Anyway, they’re usually only found on the heads of the Celtic people and their wannabe fans, but yeah, they’re pretty bad hats. [BLEEP!]
M Hello Rant Line™. I woke up today—the first day of the first vacation I’ve taken in two years—to find some sort of crew digging a TRENCH about 10 feet from my bay window, and I do not understand how shit like this happens. Shouldn’t Hydro or Bell or whoever the fuck these guys are working for have told me they’d be coming to dig a trench? Shouldn’t the asshole I’m renting this place from have been told, and then told me? Instead, I have all the construction guys out there, smoking and chortling and grunting and shit, and I’m supposed to what? Just go about my business? Well, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do, since they all seem so keen on gawking into my home anyway, is I’m going to stand in the bay window in a TOWEL until I’m sure they’ve noticed me, and then I’m going to drop the towel and slowly jerk off. And that, Rant Line™, is how you deal with this sort of shit. [BLEEP!]
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