“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Hi. It’s Cigarette Warning Label Man. First off, yeah, lady. Cancer models. What about it? Also, what about this warning that says “Quitting smoking increases life expectancy and improves quality of life,” and then there’s a picture of two old fat people in the countryside, in, like, LEISURE SUITS, holding hands and walking somewhere. I assume to go and fuck. Old person fucking, no less. Really? That is your big sell? I can be an old fat guy fucking an old fat chick? No thank you. I’d rather fuck a hot chick in the bathroom of a dirty bar spectacle in LAVAL and then have a smoke in the alley, if it’s all the same to you. Maybe we’ll even get some BLOW. How’s that for an improved quality of life? [BLEEP!]
F I just would like to say that I think it’s better to sing badly for your money than just stick a CUP in my face and ask for change, so yeah. You did the right thing, girl! [BLEEP!]
F As I was crossing the street in busy rush hour traffic, I nearly got run over by a car turning onto the intersection. I happened to have a POWERADE in my hand, and I thought to myself, well now, this is interesting. I could have whipped the lid off the Powerade, held it like a DICK and sprayed it all over the hood of their car in protest. And then I thought, this could be a really hilarious commercial, with the slogan, Powerade Truly empowers. Or something like that. Oh the power of the imagination! [BLEEP!]
M I’d like to go over some pretty BASIC ETIQUETTE. One thing that seven billion people on the planet have in common, that we learn when we are two or three years old, is that if somebody is in your way and you’re not paying attention and you collide with them, it’s your fault. It’s not the other person’s fault! It happens so often that I just have to conclude that people are self-centered and rude. Nothing new there. But it manifests itself in a very benign but telling way—we are not as good, as people, as we were when we were three years old! As I walk down the street, talk, hold a coffee and smoke a cigarette, I still manage not to bump into people. Isn’t that fucking incredible! I must be HIGHLY EVOLVED specimen of a human! So I change my tune. I am highly evolved and I am leaving all these clumsy fuckers behind in the dust of humanity on the trail of evolution. [BLEEP!]
M I’m calling to offer a public apology to the guy I called a “complete fucking moron” while walking down St. Laurent last night. It was pointed out to me later that you had not actually knocked the box out of that woman’s arms and just kept walking. The handle on the box just ripped off, coincidentally, as you passed by. Sorry. I’m sure you’re a great guy. [BLEEP!]
M Hello Rant Line™, I’m calling you from my office, where I work and as I speak, my dick has FULLY RETRACTED INTO MY ABDOMEN because it’s so goddamned cold in here. It’s cold, because nobody seems to think heat in the dead of winter is a reasonable expense to incur. Profits over people, and all that. By the time you read this, I’ll likely be all Jack Nicholson at the end of The Shining. So get the word out. God bless. [BLEEP!]
F Why is it there are so many DRUNK assholes on the streets this time of year? I’m guessing it has something to do with office Christmas parties, because all the office assholes go out and drink on the company tab and stagger off bloated with half-flaccid erections from sexually harassing the younger office workers. I swear, leave those dicks in the WEST ISLAND instead of letting them have their parties at our downtown bars. We don’t need more assholes around here. [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, this is for the Racist White Guy who was complaining that he got a BONER when looking at Nicki Minaj. Well listen, first of all, you should never complain about getting a boner—it’s never a bad thing. Second of all, Nicki Minaj’s ASS is the only thing worth talking about when it comes to Nicki Minaj. Merry Christmas! [BLEEP!]
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