“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hello. I’m calling about the article about the PEEP SHOWS being an ICKY place. Just want to let you know that this is one of the few places in town where I get peace and quiet all to myself. All right. Good on you. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the person who almost got hit by a car while holding a bottle of POWERADE. First off, that shit will kill you as it’s full of chemicals a human body doesn’t thrive on. Second, that’s an awful lot of thinking to do while almost being hit by a car. If you had time to do that much thinking, maybe you’d have been better off getting out of the way. Seems you had plenty of time to do so, which means to me that you weren’t in much danger in the first place. Anyway. Keep safe and stop drinking Powerade. [BLEEP!]

F When you come right down to it, what was wrong with my ex-boyfriend was that he did not understand—he did not get— rock ’n’ roll. And that’s why we couldn’t be together and that’s why I don’t regret breaking up with him at all. [BLEEP!]

M As Montreal gears up for the annual flu/cold, dress-you -warm, dress-you-hot, fuck-I’m-sick reality that we live in, there’s something we’re missing. We’re all PARANOID, what with the antiseptic pumps everywhere and signs telling you to wash your hands every five feet. But what about all the coffee places that leave lids, cream sugar, sticks, all that shit, out? A million fucking hands touch that shit every single day! It’s disgusting. I don’t stick my mouth on things on the Metro, but I sure as fuck do on the coffee cup lid. And I know I’ve evacuated a NOSEFUL at the Second Cup on a napkin two feet from the cream and sugar. Which is disgusting on my part, but hey, at least I can admit it. My trick is to take the lid from the bottom. [BLEEP!]

M Motherfucker. That’s all I can say about things right now. Jesus motherfucking Christ. (BLEEP)

F Yeah, to the hot guy whose dick had retracted into his abdomen from the cold, we’re a couple of hot college girls—I’m CANDY and my room-mate is BAMBI—and we were just sitting here talking about how much fun it would be to suck a guy’s dick out of his abdomen. If you’re interested, you could meet us most Saturday nights at PINK TACO. Just ask for us at the bar. Everyone knows who we are! Hope to see you there. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™. I’m calling to say that I find your Rant Line™ is becoming a little DICK HEAVY these days. Lots of talk about dicks and guys wanting to do things with their dicks. I’m just wondering if you might be purposefully EXCLUDING THE PUSSY due to some sort of agenda. Maybe everyone who calls you is a dick? Or maybe you just love dicks? [BLEEP!]

F I’m sitting at Magma with SALT STAINS up to my knees and soaking wet shoes and feet from walking around and trying to do some shopping, and I just wanted to say this is most definitely not the most WONDERFUL time of the year. In fact, it seems to be the very WORST TIME if you have to leave the house at all and try to navigate Montreal’s collapsing streets. I might even go get a pair of HIP-WADERS to make my way home in. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah hi. To the 470 bus driver who just saw me standing at the bus stop, right directly in front of it, and drove right by—fuck you, you asshole. I hope your Christmas really sucks this year. [BLEEP!]

F The falling snow is so beautiful I want to cry! Merry Christmas! [BLEEP!]

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