“edited” by Al South
M Hello. I’m a guy who has had himself a bit of good luck meeting LADIES in the bars. I’m no MALE MODEL or anything, but I do okay through my charms and I’ve learned a thing or two about the game. But you know something? There is absolutely no polite way to ask a lady if she’s a dude. And sometimes that’s a pretty fucking important question. [BLEEP!]
F Hey. About the FADED HOODY cash-money millionaire. I think I know who you mean, but can you be more specific? I didn’t think anyone else knew, but maybe we’re actually talking about different guys. Maybe there are TWO faded hoody cash-money millionaires off-the-rack mind-fucking us! More details, please and thanks. [BLEEP!]
M I just want to say that everyone has made some really GOOD POINTS about HOCKEY and the NHL and I’m reconsidering everything I had believed and all I had felt on those things. So maybe I will and maybe I won’t watch anymore hockey. Thanks for all the points. Okay. [BLEEP!]
M Hey, Prank Caller. Fellow prank caller here! Thanks for the tip! I didn’t even think a lot of people made prank calls anymore, so it’s nice to know you’re out there making the phones ring, pulling the pranks. We should set up some sort of PRANK SPACE, where we could all get together and make prank calls. I really don’t think there are a lot of us. [BLEEP!]
M Hey Rant Line™. Gotta do something! I just got a call from a number I didn’t know and it was a text-to-landline thing with the bizarre foreign-sounding computery-but-real voice, you know what I mean? Where they have someone record words and then the machine adds them all together to say what’s written in the text? Well that’s fucking… Hello?… Helloooo?… Ah… That’s fucking creepy enough, but I… Hello?… I just got one of those creepy things right now, at THREE IN THE MORNING… and the weird voice sputters… and I’m a little fucked up and did not need some shit like that because I just smoked a BIG BOWL of HASH. Gotta do something. Hello?…. Gotta do something. Ah fuck, I think it didn’t answer… Hello?…. Fuck. [BLEEP!]
F Hello. I’m deep in the January doldrums and work sucks, so what I decided to do today is move the staff around to different desks, which seems to have caused some panic. Also, due to repeated complaints about HYGIENE, I had no choice but to move the most vile, disgusting, stinky individual away from everyone else, which means he’s now closest to my office. So I have to smell him all day, on top of having to see his PSYCOPATHIC GLARES every time I look up, and hear him on the phone talking about my wanting to “keep an eye on” him. No, buddy. I’d rather not see you at all, ever. It’s just everyone else refuses to be near you because the stink comes off you in waves and makes people tear up. Winter cannot end soon enough. And neither can my life. [BLEEP!]
M You know what can eat my shit? Craigslist. I posted EXACTLY ONCE in my life, and craigslist pulled down my post. I posted becasue one of my friends who I like to drink with got a really stupid fucking job and now has been, like, STAINED IN HIS SOUL by this work environment. So I need a new friend to drink with, which is, in a nutshell, what I posted to my Craigslist ad. And fucking Craigslist fucking removed it. I got some email about there being a community of users who view and moderate posts, and my post, which was me looking for a buddy to drink with—apparently was TOO OUT THERE for Craigslist. I mean, it was surrounded by posts from people looking for teenage girls to model underwear or pose nude, and ones for looking for guys with big dicks—I swear, that’s exactly what the ad said—“guys with big dicks wanted”—and whatever, cum on your face shit, and my fucking post—LOOKING FOR A FRIEND—gets pulled down. Unbelievable. Someone said it maybe was because I said my new friend should not mind the odd ANTI-SEMITIC QUIP, but, fuck me blind. Big dicks and teen girls being lured to their deaths and fucking sex crimes all over the place and then craigslist draws the line at a joke between buds? No fucking way, craigslist. Weak fucking sauce. [BLEEP!]
F Hi. With everything going on in the world that shows there’s a sick culture of rape and abuse of women, I find it a little disturbing that, A, there’s a guy who roams around Montreal who goes around looking at women to masturbate to, and B, that the Rant Line™ doesn’t see the problem in printing a message from this monster as though it’s a joke. You don’t have to look too hard to see a story about some GANG RAPE, whether it’s in India or in Small Town USA or right here in Canada. Or to find a web site with fucking sick creepers taking sneak pictures of usually UNDERAGE GIRLS to post to the Internet, or even to just see signs of the persecution of women. And the US just refused to sign a law protecting women from abuse. That’s how far we’ve really come, guys. Not very far at all. Women aren’t there for males to dominate and more people need to get that message out. Even you, Rant Line™. If you have an audience, you owe it to yourselves to disseminate the right message. Thanks. Hope you’ll do the right thing! [BLEEP]
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