ON THE STREETS THIS WEEK IN CultMTL!
“edited” by Al South
M Ok so here we go again. I see on the news 233 people in Brazil are dead in a nightclub fire, caused by the band setting off fireworks. PYROTECHNICS. Duh, where have we heard this before. Yeah that’s right, in Rhode Island, the Station fire, about 10 years ago. One hundred dead because the band set off EXPLOSIONS and burnt the place down. Except that time the band was Great White, I don’t know who the band in Brazil was. But I hope for the sake of the people who died in Brazil that the band was better than Great White. The last thing you would want to hear when you are about to die would be Great fucking White. Seriously, I just hope the poor Brazilians who were burnt to a crisp were listening to something better than that. RIP. [BLEEP!]
F Hi there. I’m calling because my kitchen PIPES froze a couple of days ago and we don’t have any water in the kitchen. The plumber finally came this morning, and it turns out that our pipes flow into the café downstairs. So the plumber needed to go check out them out. However, the café owner went on vacation to Cuba and is nowhere to be found. Finally, after much digging throughout the day, using the many organizational skills which I am proud to possess, I got a hold of one of the café employees—who I will not name because I am too MORALLY AWESOME. I finally got him to agree to meet tomorrow morning at the same time as the plumber so we can finally get all our shit under control and do our dishes and move on with our lives and enjoy winter as much as we can, considering it is -370 degrees. The agreement was made the contract was struck, we were all meeting tomorrow at 8 am. But then he suddenly texts me back and says that he can no longer meet, that he checked the café and there is no problem there. And therefore he cannot authorize any plumber to go in and break anything or touch anything. And that I would have to call the café owner—who is in Cuba and not answering his cell phone! So he absolutely refuses to meet tomorrow and open the café for us. And he refuses to call me back. To me, this is the absolute antithesis of COMMUNITY SPIRIT. When it is –30 outside, I personally laugh a lot more looking at people’s faces outside. I personally feel more of a sense of humanity. The people who tend to do the opposite, who act like total fucking assholes, like this person who won’t be named, can suck my BIG THROBBING COCK. We have no water in the kitchen! And you have the key to the café where the pipe flows and you won’t let a plumber in to look for one second? Fuck you! Suck my cock until you choke on it! Ok thanks, bye. [BLEEP!]
M Yes, hello. Bonjournee! I have what I think is the best way for our beloved Office de la Langue Francais to protect our beautiful language and culture and drive away our enemies. Instead of putting the French much bigger on the signs, make it so the English says the PRECISE OPPOSITE of what the French is. So then Arret is GO and Poussez is PULL, and so it goes on. And then when the English realize that they cannot do anything right, they’ll either change to only French or fuck off to Ontario! Push a pull door long enough and you learn, my friend. Merci et bon chance! [BLEEP!]
F Hey Little Wiener Man on the 24 who had a LOUD CONVERSTATION on his cell with another guy named Christian. Just wondering what that was all about. You were all like, “Want to meet up at Tim Horton’s?” But then you were like, “If you don’t want to stay, we can just meet for a minute and then you can take off.” What’s up with that? Was this a DRUG THING or what? I don’t know. But I want to know—I have to know! Call the Rant Line™, Little Wiener Man. You can’t just have a loud conversation on your phone on a PACKED BUS and then leave all the other people on the bus hanging. God. I hope it worked out okay. [BLEEP!]
F Hi, this is about the craigslist caller who wanted to find an anti-Semitic friend. Shame on you and your HATRED. It’s no wonder craigslist banned your listing. Racism isn’t a quality I’d want in a friend, or even the mere TOLERANCE of racism. Time to step into the 21st century and accept people for who they are. And you should be happy that your friend got a new job with all the unemployment. ONE LOVE. [BLEEP!]
M Dude, fuck yes about craigslist! I’ve posted, like, five times, and every fucking time it gets pulled down. Once it was even just that I found a BACKPACK and wanted to return it to the owner, especially since there was a BAG OF WEED in the backpack, which I would have also returned in full. More or less. And the post got pulled. Craigslist used to be cool and full of girls looking for generous men like me. Now it’s just a lame police state. [BLEEP!]
M Well hello stick-up-your-ass high-and-mighty woman who thinks guys shouldn’t masturbate because somehow this is rape. I’d love to discuss this further with you, and maybe DISSEMINATE all over your tits. What do you say? [BLEEP!]
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