“edited” by AL SOUTH

ON THE STREETS IN CULTMTL!

F Jesus Christ, guy. MANOWAR? That’s some weak-ass fucking metal, dude. Let me know when you get some hair on your SACK. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the guy who called and said he was too old for metal now, but then a rant about METAL and FANTASY got him listening to Manowar again. Look, dude, a couple of things. One, you are never too old for metal. Never. Not until you drop dead onstage, or someone finds you dead in a Las Vegas hotel room with a stripper and a BIG BAG OF COKE. Well, that would be John Entwistle, not really metal, although his bass playing influenced metal. But anyway, you are never too old. Accept it. And two, now that you have accepted it—stop listening to Manowar! There is a lot of good metal besides Manowar. I should not have to tell you that. And there is a lot of good metal right now—of all different types. But do yourself a favour, go heck out Pallbearer, on the Profound Lore label. Check out Gorguts, from right here in Quebec, and also Voivod—still going strong. Check out Watain, from Sweden, that will give you some fantasies. I could go on, but you get the point. Metal will not die, and you should listen to it until you die. That’s it. [BLEEP!]

F To the guy who keeps calling policemen PIGS. You’re fucking annoying. [BLEEP!]

F I get that people hate hipsters and think the guys with IDIOTIC MOUSTACHES are ridiculous—and they pretty much are for sure—but I also think telling people to kill themselves is pretty dumb. You don’t know how many of those people maybe are actually thinking of killing themselves. It’s kind of obvious that a lot of these hipsters have zero self-esteem, because why else would they try to make sure they’re identical in every way to every other hipster in the world? And then they read that people are actually encouraging them to commit suicide? I’m sorry, but it’s pretty INSENSITIVE and not at all very funny. I don’t think suicide is ever the right choice and I also don’t think joking about it is ever humorous. Thanks for your time. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, it’s a good idea for the FACIAL-HAIR HIPSTERS to all KILL THEMSELVES. But you know what else would be good? If before they killed themselves, they took down a few of the fucking assholes who think putting an UMLAUT in the name of their business makes them stand-out as somehow cool. Usually anyone who knows the first thing about umlauts immediately notices that your business name sounds nothing like the way you’re pronouncing it, because you don’t know the first fucking thing about how an umlaut changes VOWEL PRONUNCIATION. It’s on the same level of idiocy as calling your bar the whatever-HAUS. [BLEEP!]

M My dick is in fact quite BIG. What’s the fuss? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is the Pipe Warming Guy with a shout out to the Pipe Warming Girl. Why haven’t you gotten back to me? You still game, or what? And fuck you, Rant Line™, for saying no to helping us hook up! Hope you don’t ever need anything from me, bro. [BLEEP!]

M Hey that guy who called in about summer coming and it being time to see some TITTIES reminded me of something. Wasn’t there a call in going last year where everyone was saying there should be tits up on the Rant Line™ site since we all like to see them? I mean, even the women I know are all about titties and always saying, like, “Whoah! Check ou her tits!” So it’s not just a dude thing. People like tits. Are you going to post some? Maybe instead of phoning in rants, you could have it so people can email in their TITSHOTS. Just thinking out loud here. Hope it happens, though. [BLEEP!]

M I have a question—what is it with all the FROGS here in Montreal now? I am not talking about the French Quebecers, everyone knows we all love them. I am talking about frogs from FRANCE. In my neighbourhood, condos are going up and frogs are moving in. Why are they moving here? What are they doing? And they are fucking annoying to look at, man. I saw one guy the other day, it was a snowstorm, a typical Quebec snowstorm, and he was going down the street in a suit jacket and dress shoes. Ugly suit and dress shoes, I might add. And he was acting like this was normal. He was acting like he wasn’t even cold. I am fucking surprised he was not wearing a BERET. For fuck’s sakes, if you are going to pretend to live here, get some proper goddamned winter clothes. Or better still, go back to France. Why did you leave there in the first place? [BLEEP!]

M I love that this guy is in love with the Rant Line™—that I love and respect. But if you ever read the Rant Line™ on my computer, pour honey on it, lick it off under the moonlight, you’ll be birthing Rant Babies™ all right. They’ll come out in the form of SHOES, delivered through your ANAL PASSAGE. But as long as you just love the Rant Line™ in your head, that’s okay. You can even jerk off to this. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)