“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Hey this is the REAL Drunk Anorexia Guy. I don’t know who that other dude was, because I was the one who called in. And I’m only saying guy because you just thought I was a dude—actually I’m a GIRL. Not the first time this has happened, Rant Line™. But ya, dude makes a good point. Coke does help. [BLEEP!]

M So big fat Rob Ford is a CRACKHEAD. Well doesn’t that just beat everything. How long until we hear our fucking MOBSTER mayors sold him the shit? Fucking politicians are filth on even the lowest level. [BLEEP!]

M Everyone is making a big deal about Rob Ford SMOKING CRACK. What a joke. Look, I have smoked crack on and off for years, and I can tell you that all kinds of famous and important people smoke it. I know because I have smoked it with them! Rock stars, activists, politicians—ok maybe not the mayor, but some well-known politicians—TV stars, radio hosts, teachers, daycare workers, bankers. You name it. And that’s just crack. If you want to talk about NORMAL COCAINE, it would be harder to come up with a list of people who do not snort it. Everyone does. Probably your mother and father do it. They might have been smoking crack—or at least high on blow—on the night when they CONCEIVED you. Stop being so naïve. [BLEEP!]

M Rant Line™…. so…. thirsty… no…. water. All of it… tainted feces… and semen… and birth-control pills…. [rasp, rasp]… and cigarette butts. Must… find…. water… Must… uhhhhhhh. Save us. [BLEEP!]

M Who’s the rhyming faggot with the missing hash? [BLEEP!]

M So this is somewhere between a rant and a question. I am seeking some insight into a NUANCE. What is the line between public urination and public indecency? By law, public urination, the act in and of itself, is ticketable. But what is the line—when do you get arrested? If I hoist my BALLS up over my BELT LINE, is that good form? I don’t think so. You don’t have to have that out there to take a leak! I would like to know, essentially, if anyone has ever been taking a leak and been arrested for public indecency. When did they cross the line? What was the situation that made the cops come up and instead of giving you a ticket for public urination, said, “Why is your dick in your hand, sir?” All right. [BLEEP!]

M Bro, you totally should’ve killed that guy. [BLEEP!]

F I just want to say thank you to the guy who stopped to help me and my girlfriend carry her DRESSER up the stairs to our apartment. I swear, there must’ve been 30 guys who walked by and didn’t so much as take notice of two admittedly short, SKINNY GIRLS trying to lift a big, wooden dresser. But then one guy, who was like rushing by, stopped and asked if we needed help. And then he insisted on carrying the thing up himself! The best part is two guys stopped to ask him if he needed a hand, even though nobody stopped to ask us. Anyway, there’s hope for Montreal men yet! Bless you, HERO. We’ll remember you always! [BLEEP!]

M Yo, I’m seeing all these big ladies in the hood walking about in they SHORTY SHORTS and low, tight tanks to show off they titty meat and these ladies is FAT. I mean, like, cover up that shit fat. And they walking wearing the same revealing like the FIT, firm ladies. I think when a fat lady is shaking in the same ho gear as a skinny lady, you got to take a good look at the state of hos today. Use to be a big girl had some self-consciousness about it. Now these days isn’t any a lady look to give a shit. [BLEEP!]

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