“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Hey, Drunk Anorexia Girl. I wasn’t trying to pass myself off as you. What I was trying to do is find what your drunk anorexia consists of, and offering my own drunk bulimia/cocaine GET FIT challenge. Still waiting to hear the details on your drunk anorexia, though, so let us know. Plenty of rotund pigs reading this, I’m sure. Anyway, sorry if you thought I was stepping on your BONY TOES. [BLEEP!]
F Is anyone really surprised the Ford family are fucking dealers? I mean, none of them are very bright. They’re like the staple fat MICK family—pink-faced and beefy with no brains. Drugs were the Ford family’s only shot, and so now they’re rewarding all their drug buddies from years ago with plum gigs in shitty old T-Dot. Rob Ford is a fat, tragic man who should be pitied. He was probably always made fun of, and always ridiculed and picked last in GYM, and now he’s using right-wing rhetoric to mask his pain, and his brother is the real piece of shit. Anyway, his HEART can’t likely handle much more living without crack, so if he keeps hitting the pipe, expect to find hear about him dropping dead any time now. He’s really a sad-sack, so cut him some slack. Thanks. [BLEEP!]
M It’s funny, because I just read this story about the whole Ford family being big drug dealers in the 80s or early 90s, and the first thing that popped in my mind was that around that time, I knew a guy whose roomie used to take a train like once a month with a DUFFLE BAG full of POT to deliver. I don’t remember if he took it to Toronto or picked it up in Toronto to bring back. Pretty sure it was to, though. So, I mean, I’m sure there were a lot of guys selling dope in Toronto back then, but the first thing I thought of was that this guy must have been bringing the drugs to Doug Ford. The cops should look this guy up and find out what he knows. I can’t remember his name. He was a skinny little guy and I couldn’t fucking stand him. David something. Used to get his cats stoned. God, what a fool. So that’s my tip for the day. I’ll wait for some REWARD MONEY now. Bye-bye. [BLEEP!]
M Buddy, why the fuck are you pulling anything over your BELT LINE to piss outside? Why don’t you UNDO your fly and piss that way, like pants are made for? I think if you’re yanking your prick and nuts out over your waistband, no cop on earth should assume you just needed to pee, and should fire a TAZER into your knob. I’m not much for public urination to begin with, but when I have no other choice, a degree of decency should be maintained, and nobody should ever see what your doing, let alone the whole FRANK-AND-BEANS. Just my opinion. [BLEEP!]
F Hi! I just ran home in the rain from the bank, pushing my baby on a stroller, and had to call to complain about the asshats who piled up on the WHEELCHAIR RAMP to get out of the rain. With their fucking bicycles, no less. Like, aren’t these people annoying enough when they’re just on the bike path? Nope. It makes me want to open my car door and send them sailing, and it isn’t just a bike lane thing. It’s their WAY OF LIFE. All me, all the time. I had to carry my stroller down the stairs so these assholes—who were wearing rain slickers anyway—could huddle on the ramp to keep dry, staring at the rain, probably thinking, “Nature’s got its nerve raining when I’m trying to ride my bike.” I hope they get their faces caught in their own SPOKES. Thank you. I feel much better. [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, I’m wondering about something. I see all these CRT monitors on the curb everywhere with a note that says WORKS or something like that—does anyone every actually take those clunky fuckers home? I mean, are people putting them out with a note because that way they don’t have to feel they’ve just dumped a block of poisonous, ever-lasting junk into a landfill. Or do people really come along and say, “Oh cool! I needed a new monitor, and now here’s a free one!” and then actually bring it home? I’m pretty sure it’s the former, and these people are lying to themselves. I, for one, have never seen anyone take a roadside CRT monitor, sign or no sign. [BLEEP!]
F Hi! This is for the COW who left her message directed at me for offering my opinion that the women of the Plateau and surrounding area are going too far down the SLUTHOLE for their own good, or the good of women everywhere. First off, honey, I’ll have you know I am not fat with B.O, and have a no problem meeting GENTLEMEN—which is probably one of the ways you and I differ. I meet gentlemen—with jobs and manners and RESPECT for me—whereas you likely get ploughed like the SLUSH at the end of winter by some guy who views you as a pair of tits and a couple of wet holes. Sorry if I stepped on your tits and got you all worked up, but, by the sounds of things, they were probably out anyway. Dressing the part of FUCKTOY isn’t having pride and confidence in one’s sexuality, honey. It’s a sad cry for attention from someone who believes she has nothing else to offer but her ass, tits and vagina. Maybe you should spend a bit less time at the make-up counter or crying into your Vogue magazine, and find qualities about yourself that are actually beautiful. Have a good day, honey! [BLEEP!]
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