“edited” by AL SOUTH
F Hi. This is for the person who called asking about where all the guys are who love Springsteen. Well, I think they’re in jail, or fixing a CAR BATTERY or something. Okay. [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, you know what? This is the guy who called about Halloween sluts and Halloween puritans and shit, and you know something? Fuck yourselves, okay? Sorry if I hit on a topic that everyone else already talked about, but I didn’t realize I was calling the New Submissions in the Category of Editorial Excellence Line™, so if I repeated something you read in fucking Vice or saw on John Stewart, suck my balls. It doesn’t mean I hate women because I comment on how they slut it up for Halloween! And as a matter of fact, I DID get laid. It was with Slutty Marine Girl. OORAH, bitches! {BLEEP!]
M What’s wrong with BANJOS? I’ve wanted to play the banjo since I was a kid but nobody ever took me SERIOUSLY. I finally bought one when I started making enough money to buy things like banjos but now I never have time to even think about it. It just sits there making me SAD that I can’t play it. But I love the banjo. Banjo is fucking awesome! Expand your tastes, yo. ]BLEEP!]
M Hi. I just read this thing about a guy in Ontario who’s in a VEGETATIVE STATE, but doctors have found a way of communicating with him by reading his brain waves and interpreting what he’s trying to say. I’m just wondering if he just keeps asking them, “So what do you plan to do about this vegetative state? Are you guys really doing all you can?” I’m pretty sure that’s what I’d be saying. [BLEEP!]
F Hey Rant Line™. There’s a guy at my work who I’d been crushing on since I started here in August, and now he’s grown the most ridiculous MOUSTACHE for this MOVEMBER thing and it makes me want to CRY. It’s really not cool to grow a moustache. Not for any reason. Somebody needs to come here and hold him down and shave his face because now every time I look at him I just about burst into tears. [BLEEP!]
F I just wanted to call in and say how nice it is that there’s no HOCKEY. Makes it worth going out again. For a while there, hockey was something people went to a sports bar to watch, but the past few years it seems any place that has tables and chairs and a menu sees the need to also have TVs showing hockey games. No hockey is a great treat and we should all CHERISH this time. I hope it doesn’t come back in time to ruin Christmas! Thanks! [BLEEP!]
M Hey Rant Line™. I know this might be a subject close to your hearts since you were once in the newspaper business before you got FIRED by QUEBECOR. See, the Gazette published this headline that said “Man found dead in alley, police say.” I think that’s pretty BAD JOURNALISM right there. Are they trying to say maybe a man wasn’t found dead in an alley, and they’re covering their asses by saying “or at least that’s what the police say?” Was a man dead in the alley or not, for fuck’s sake. [BLEEP!]
F What is up with OLD GUYS and those CAPS they wear? I am talking about really old guys. I’m not sure what era those caps are from, but they are a very old style. You know the ones I mean. And whenever I am in my car driving behind someone who is driving very slowly, or is being super cautious but is about to do something stupid, when I get beside them and look into their car, it as an old guy wearing one of those caps! But now, even weirder, I am starting to see some YOUNG GUYS wearing those caps! They look ridiculous! I suspect they are going bald, but they are too old to keep wearing a baseball hat, and they aren’t hipsters, so they don’t want to wear a FEDORA hat, so instead they think it will be cool if they wear an old guy cap. And so they wear it everywhere, all the time. And I guess they think they are looking cool, and that nobody suspects for even one second that they are going bald. But instead what is happening is that when people look at them wearing an old guy cap, all they do is imagine their bald head underneath the cap! They go, is he totally bald? Or does he have some hair left? What kind of bald is it? How much hair is there? But also you know what, I don’t know where a person would even buy a cap like that! The Bay? Ogilvy’s? Is there an old guy cap store that I don’t know about? [BLEEP!]
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