“edited” by AL SOUTH
M What’s with these coats that women are walking around in these days that look like VAGINAS? You, the ones with a big fur rim around the hoods that come down to like the middle of their tits? It looks like a big muff, au naturel. Is that supposed to be stylish? They’re god awful. So long. [BLEEP!]
F Yeah, Crispy Brazilian ranter, I don’t think the Great White fire and this one are the same sort of thing. The Kiss club had LOOMING TRAGEDY written all over it. People crushed in, total disregard for anything close to regulations. Like much of Brazil, actually. And the bouncers weren’t letting people out once the fire started, and probably everyone was fucked out of their minds on COCAINE. Great White—that was fucking idiocy. This is some criminal negligence in Brazil. Keep dancing, freaks. [BLEEP!]
M I’m calling because I can’t stop thinking about something. I was reading on the bus the other day, and I glance over and see something shiny on the ground. Shiny, but it was filthy from winter shit. So I look closer and figure out it’s a pair of EARBUDS just laying there. Nobody around them who they might belong to. They were obviously a pair of LOST earbuds. Not the shitty cheap ones Apple gives you for the million fucking dollars you pay for a fucking iPhone, either. These looked pretty good, okay… black and silver. Anyway, I wanted to pick them up, but then a bunch of people got on the bus and I didn’t want to look like a dick by getting up to pick earbuds out of the SLUSHY FILTH of the bus floor. But now I can’t stop thinking about them. I even looked on the Future Shop site to see if I could spot ones that looked like that, and I think they might have been Monster Jamz, which are, like, $150 earbuds. So that’s two people who are out some sweet earbuds. Me and whoever lost them in the first place. Why didn’t I just pick them up? That’s what pride gets you. Too big to be seen picking earbuds out of the dirt? Fuck yourself. No Monster Jamz, yo. Hope someone else got ’em. [BLEEP!]
F Hi, I just want to remind DOG owners that the unbearable cold these days is just as unbearable for our little canine friends, and the salt on the streets makes it even more miserable on their little feet, so let’s make sure to put boots on the dogs, and coats, or at least some VASELINE on their paws before they go out walking. Most dogs do not like cold, so unless you have a breed that does, keep their comfort and health in mind when you go out for your walks. Thanks everyone! Bye-bye. [BLEEP!]
M Listen, I didn’t say I was looking for an ANTI-SEMITIC FRIEND. I said I was looking for someone who could stand the odd anti-Semitic comment. A good-natured joke between buds, you know? And I don’t think I need you chiming in via the Rant Line™ to condemn me for wanting to hang out with people who can take a fucking joke! Just because you make a joke it doesn’t mean you’re actually a RACIST. Some things are funny just because of their STUPIDNESS. Like if I suggest you’re a dumb bitch, I’m not a woman-hater. You could just be a dumb bitch. Which isn’t really a joke, but it seems pretty fucking true. And Rant Line™, thanks for letting every idiot in the world get their stupid comments about everything published instead of letting a good rant stand on its own merits. But the other guy was right. Craigslist has become a Police State and I thank you for your support. [BLEEP!]
F I think I HATE EVERYBODY WHO CALLS THE RANT LINE™! Seriously. What a bunch of low-class degenerates you attract. Doesn’t anyone with a brain ever call you, or do you just not print those because you don’t think they’re cool enough?
M Man, you guys are the fucking best! Every week I come to see what sort of comedy you have and I am never disappointed. Keep it up! You’re the best! [BLEEP!]
M Hello, lady with the FROZEN PIPES. I have a frozen pipe, too. Let’s get together and talk about ways to keep my pipe hot. [BLEEP!]
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