“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Yeah, about that Sam Dunn comment. I don’t think that guy who called knows what METAL is all about. It is rock music made specifically for the NERD. The whole thing is spun around a backdrop of fantasy-lit imagery. How many metal CDs don’t look like they were designed by a FRANK FRAZETTA fan-boy? Here’s a test for you—go ask any metalhead what MITHRIL is and watch him bust his nut. Yeah, the political people had punk. The nerds have metal. It’s how it goes. [BLEEP!]
M Hi! This rant is for the cashier at Provigo whose three-inch, glittery GREEN FINGERNAILS ripped open my fucking hand while she gave me my change today. Seriously. I was bleeding and everything, because her nails cut me open! Maybe that’s not the sort of manicure you want when you have a job like cashiering, or hand-jobbing or anything that might involve your dagger nails coming in close contact to anyone else. I don’t know if it’s some sort of GIRL GANG thing or what, but lady, you ain’t all that. Cut your fucking nails. [BLEEP!]
M Hi, I’m the guy who sent the shout out to the Princess with the Frozen Pipes. Glad you’re in! You won’t be disappointed. Where do you want to hook up? Rant Line™, any chance I can give you my contact info to pass on privately? [Ed’s reply: No] [BLEEP!]
M I just saw a poster for a missing animal on a lamppost, heartbreaking to see that stuff. It was a photo of a fairly DAPPER looking TERRIER and a regal looking owner, and the contact information happened to mention that the dog’s name is GUSTAV. So I thought, maybe the dog ran away to a house where they are going to treat him like a dog, and not like a 19th century French schoolboy! So if somebody out there has a nice new terrier named Trixie or something, good on you. But you might find that it really likes FOIE GRAS. [BLEEP!]
F Hey. I dunno, but I find it a little weird that the whole French/English war started up again in the Rant Line™ and then, like out of nowhere, the OQLF goes and tries to wage war on the word PASTA. It’s like you guys had a heads-up on it, like pre-breaking news or something. Or maybe they read the Rant Line™, and that got them going? But yeah, what did we learn? The somehow Buona-fucking-Notte, that pseudo-celebrity shit trap, is still around, that the OQLF is still a joke, and that the Rant Line™ is still awesome. Good one, guys! [BLEEP]
M This is for all the people who are flipping out about GRIFFINTOWN. Has anyone done their homework on Griffintown, as to what has happened here from the beginning of the century, meaning the 1900s, the late 1800s, to the 50s, 60s, maybe even the 70s? This place was completely a WAREHOUSE. It was EMPTY. There was nobody down here! And now everybody wants to rent down here. They’re building condos all over the place. And now there are all the PRETTY CARS, the little yuppie mobiles. And everybody’s going, “Yay Griffintown!” Nobody knows what’s in the ground. Nobody knows what’s in the dirt from digging up the metros and filling in the Guy basins. Because nobody knows what the Guy basins are. Nobody knows that there were DEAD HORSES back here. Nobody does their homework. So for all you yuppies going, “Oh, I want to buy a house in Griffintown,” do the homework, bitches. And to all you yuppies from Toronto, stay in Toronto! Learn how to speak French, for chrissakes, our country is bilingual. And you know, Griffintown—it’s the rut, it’s the rut. [BLEEP!]
F Is it possible that the guy who said Montreal is run by the Jews doesn’t know what a Jew is? Because I look around and I don’t see a lot of evidence to back him up. [BLEEP!]
M I fucking KNEW this city was run by Jews! [BLEEP!]
M Well, well! Look who went and got herself arrested! Old Bulldyke 728. I wonder if she enjoyed being on the other end of the fucking stick, although I’m sure she didn’t get the same fucking beat-down and NAZI TACTICS that the PIGS used against peaceful protestors last summer. It’s worth saying that the pigs didn’t give much of two fucks when that vile thing was using excessive force against the common citizen, but then the instantly shit their blue pants and go crying to the judge when she said something scary to one of their own. I guess they all think they might have another CHRISTOPHER DORNER situation on their hands, except that Dorner had his life ruined by other pigs, while 728 is just a cunt. And what does she get for her threats against another pig? Psychiatric evaluation and told to stay away from the other pigs. Let me save you some tax money—she doesn’t need evaluation because she’s a crazy, tightly-wound bitch of a woman who never should have been allowed to wear the uniform. Which is the case for so many of our Montreal pigs. 728 isn’t the rotten core of the corps. She’s just the fucking YouTube sensation that they feel they need to do something about. Fuck the police! (BLEEP)
F Hi, I just want to say that Officer 728 in no way represents all LESBIANS. Most of us are peace-loving and normal, not angry psychopaths. Thank you. [BLEEP!]
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