“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Cheers, Rant Line™. I got two rants this week. RIP Machine Gun Lentil, best bass player in Montreal in the 80s. And also, has anybody seen this guy SAM DUNN. He has all these metal documentaries. Why is he such a NERD? I mean, for somebody who listens to such bone-crunching music, you figure he’d be a bit more NOT A GEEK! The guy’s a freaking nerd! [BLEEP!]
M Ok, so as a member of the FOOD AND SERVICE INDUSTRY, I gotta say, I’m a little bit tired of all you fucking idiots. You fucking slack-jawed mouth-breathing YOKELS sitting around in my restaurant way after hours. You know, other people have to clean up after you assholes. Has it ever occurred to you that the kitchen may want to close? That the people working there may want to go home to their respective loved ones? I don’t think it has! Otherwise you wouldn’t be sitting around CAMPING on my ass. Thank you very much for your time. Have a nice day. [BLEEP!]
M I have a question. Why do francophone cashiers, especially in depanneurs and low-rent grocery stores—I guess it’s a folksy thing—why are they always saying c’est un GROS cinq et quatre-vingt-quinze? What’s even worse is when they gun it in English. “There you go that’s a BIG five and ninety-one.” It’s like translating an expression that just doesn’t work. Can someone explain this to me? [BLEEP!]
M Hello Rant Line™. This in response to the rant concerning reversing signs in French to fuck up English people. For Christ’s sake, Montreal has been both English and French and YIDDISH and everything else in between for 150 years, if not more. Get real! I know you come from Chicoutimi and you don’t know the real world, but you know what? Move to Paris. You want to live in a place that speaks just French, move to Paris. Otherwise, you get used the fact that you live in god damn beautiful glorious Montreal. Get used to English! Learn it and live with it. Thank you very much. And also, everyone in Quebec should know that Montreal was built by the Scots, managed by the English and run by the Jews. For fuck sakes, Montreal is more akin to New York City. New York is not representative of small town Minnesota! Montreal should not be represented by a small-town suburban place like Quebec city. I hope you guys edit this properly to make me not sound like a drunk asshole. Thank you Rant Line™, I love you. [BLEEP!]
M Yo, I liked it better in the OLD SCHOOL when the rants used to be printed in the paper, but then I guess motherfuckers became too cheap to invest in INK, or the ink price shot through the roof. Anyways, this digital shit, when the power goes down, no one is going to be able to read nothing! Digital shit! Digi, digi, digi—stuck to your ass like a Victoria’s Secret WEDGIE. Fuck that! Peace. [BLEEP!]
F Ok, so what’s up with guys who you are not even going out with DUMPING YOU on Facebook? It says, “Hey, I am really sorry to be doing this by Facebook but it seems like the only way of communicating with you at the moment. I spent a lot of time thinking about stuff over the last couple of weeks and I realize that I am not over my ex-girlfriend and I’m really not comfortable going out with you. I know this must really suck and I am very sorry.” FUCk YOU. [BLEEP!]
F Hey, I’ve been having SEX, really awesome sex with this dude who has KIDS—two kids from two different women. And you know what? If I got pregnant I wouldn’t even know what to do. I know that I wouldn’t have an ABORTION though. Xl, xl. [BLEEP!]
F Hi this is to the guy who would like me to show him how to keep it PIPING HOT. Yea sure, why not. I’m in. [BLEEP!]
F I want a man who can pull off a RATTAIL in 2013. [BLEEP!]
M Guys, what the fuck? Let me tell you this story. I always walk around downtown with my INFANT, and every time one of those DRUNK native junkies that camp down there says, “Oh! What a cute baby!” I smile and say thank you and keep walking. Well no fucking lie, I just walked by one of the guys I always walk by and I swear what he said was, “Oh, what a cute baby—I’m going to KILL that fucking baby.” And I smiled and said thank you and kept walking, but after a few seconds I thought, “Wait. What the fuck?” I mean, I didn’t feel threatened, and I’m pretty sure I could have dropped the dick if it came to that and if he could even have stood up to try anything, but is that fucking insane? You know? Should I even put up with that shit just because his brain was blitzed on whatever street-grade shit he got his hands on? I’m down with all this Idle No More, but seriously—SOBER the fuck up and watch what you say. Shit, just leaving this fucking rant has got me fucking angry again. I might go back there and kick the fucker’s ass. It’s my baby, for fuck’s sake! Fuck I’m mad. [BLEEP!]
GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)