THIS WEEK: Jaggi, Jagmeet, pipers, Plante, creepy clowns! PLUS: Man predicts disturbing influx of greasy 18-year-olds

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Three cheers for Quebec, our age to buy pot is going to be 18. At least we know and understand reality. In Ontario it’s going to be 19, isn’t that typical. What that means is there is going to be a shitload of 18-year-old ONTARIOARIANS coming to Montreal looking to buy weed and then wandering around our city stoned and clueless. This is something Ontario should think about—wouldn’t they rather have all those 18 year olds back in Ontario safe and sound, buying their pot at the LCBO and their chips and junk food and BIG GULPS at the 7/11? It doesn’t even make business sense. I hope some of these 18 year olds are HOT YOUNG FEMALE ONTARIOARIANS but I doubt it, it will be mainly greasy Ontario dudes. Man, someone should build a WALL. [BLEEP!]

M (with Scottish accent, presumably fake) Wot tae fuck? No more PIPER at Ogilvy’s! Ye bunch of wee cunts, ye need the pipes and the bag shoved up yer arses, along with the WEE KNIFE, 72 years and then some cunt decides to stop it, some cunt in a marketing suit, get tae fuck… bunch of cunts. [BLEEP!]

M Ok, I’m walking along St. Joseph and it’s rush hour, and I see on the other side of the street a PREGNANT WOMEN standing at the curb, and I think, wow, she is extremely pregnant, just about to POP, you know. And then out of nowhere I see this car swerve across two lanes, across the traffic, and screech to a stop in front of her. But the problem is, it is the bus land, and holy shit here comes the BUS! The bus slams on its brakes and sort of swerves and comes to a stop just in time. The woman jumps back, if the driver had a millisecond less reaction time the bus would have ploughed into the car, the car would have ploughed into the woman and bye bye baby and lady. So by now everyone has stopped to watch and the bus driver is honking his horn non-stop, his hand is on it blaring it, saying what the fuck, you fucking idiot! And when I look closer, what do I see on the car, what sticker, take a guess: Uber. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this isn’t so much of a rant as an observation. I don’t think it’s cool how everything is POLITICIZED. I don’t think that entertainers, like music artists or athletes or actors, should be politicizing everything they do. You turn on the TV to watch sports or music awards for WATER COOLER talk, to talk about something we have in common. When people get PREACHY about every single topic, when we have to watch an entire ceremony dedicated to how EVIL TRUMP is, we no longer have anything in common, we’re all polarized on racial line or lines of gender or whatnot. It’s very silly because we just need something so we can sit down and experience ESCAPISM. That’s what entertainment is for. So if you are contributing to that culture of mixing entertainment and politics, please stop encouraging it. It’s not good for us. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t really follow politics too closely but I just heard that the NDP elected Jaggi Singh as its leader. I’m like, really? That’s a bit much isn’t it? Isn’t the guy a hardcore demonstrator… an activist, an anarchist? Are they sure about this? Do they really think he can beat Justin Trudeau, or anybody? But then I’m thinking, well maybe it’s kind of cool, like a Bernie Sanders for Canada, but more hardcore. So I mention this to my girlfriend and she goes, no, you idiot, they’ve chosen Jagmeet Singh. A totally different guy. So I’m sort of putting this out there as a public service, because I can’t be the only one—it’s Jagmeet, not Jaggi. Totally different Singh. [BLEEP!]

F Ok everybody, men, women, children, please get out and vote for Valerie Plante. She would be the first FEMALE MAYOR, and she would get rid of Coderre. Plante for mayor, get rid of Coderre! And besides that, she is kind of hot, in a politician kind of way. Hot in that she looks and sounds like she knows what she is doing. Hotter than Coderre, anyway. Plante for mayor, out with Coderre! [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™, this rant is concerning all of the brouhaha over the national anthem and taking a knee. I think P.K. Subban is the biggest hypocrite in the history of professional sports. When the Habs were out of the playoffs, he was at allof the NBA games—so it’s ok then for him to cozy up to NBA stars and really TRUMP up his blackness, “I’m a black athlete, I’m hanging out in America.” But when he sees the NFL players taking a stance, he can not go in solidarity with them? What the heck is going on here? He’s kissing Gary Bettman on his BIG WHITE ASS. It’s ok for him sometimes to be down with the NBA but now when it really matters, when he can really put forth a strong opinion, he’s saying “No, no, I’m not gonna take one.” So P.K. Subban you’re a big hypocrite, I’m glad you don’t play for the Habs any more, we don’t need you. All you care about at the end of the day is P.K. Subban. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, this is a fucking rant about the fucking DOUGLAS which is the fucking shittiest institution I’ve ever been a part of. They’re keeping me a PRISONER here, they won’t let me go and find my own housing, they gave me a heart attack before my fucking COURT APPOINTMENT. McGill should be ashamed of themselves, they have no right to hire people who have no fucking degree to take care of sick people who have no fucking right in the city to do anything, like get an apartment, get a housing program. They have no fucking services and I’m sick of the Douglas Hospital. Thank you very much, goodbye! [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I’m really annoyed right now because my best friend just left me, and that’s the only friend I have! I’m alone in I’m in high school and I hate my life and I don’t understand why she had to leave me. It’s just because I like to read! What kind of person does that, I don’t understand. I may be a BOOKWORM but that doesn’t mean she has to be a BITCH and leave, like goddam. [BLEEP!]

M I think that since it’s October we need more CREEPY CLOWNS IN LAVAL stalking people at night and just scaring the shit out of them. Creepy people at night around parks. So when you are a little THUG smoking weed in the park and scaring people you see in the distance some creepy clown guy holding BALLOONS just staring at you. I personally would do it but I don’t have the monetary resources nor the time. Also, I’m not in shape at all. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: Ferraris, heavy trucks, cop cars taking air! PLUS: Bitching about racism renders woman friendless!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hi. So my friend is drinking a BEER in front of some warehouse complex with another friend of mine and they’re just enjoying the day, a freezing cold summer’s day, and a cop comes along, drives up, and PINS my friend to the side of his car. A bunch of of other officers show up with their GUNS pulled. They think that he resembles an ARMED ROBBER. It turns out, of course, that after all this ordeal, he’s not the guy. So they give him back his beer, pat him on the shoulder, and say sorry, carry on. I don’t know what to make of this. Maybe this is normal procedure? I don’t think so. [BLEEP!]

M Ok, what’s up with cops SPEEDING up small one way streets in the Plateau, the WRONG WAY, doing like 120 in a 30km zone? I just saw one now. It’s the middle of the day. He was going so fast that when he went over the speed bumps he was TAKING AIR. And I see them all the time racing down Mount Royal at rush hour, the busiest part of the day, sirens blaring and lights flashing, going through red lights, swerving up the street. What reason could there possibly be? Is there a terrorist attack? Is City Hall on fire? Did someone try to ASSASSINATE the mayor? No. The one time I actually saw the cop reach his destination, it was just to arrest some homeless drunk who was kind of stumbling around and yelling at people passing by. Not a major security concern, not a serious danger, not a good reason for so much COP DRAMA. They don’t need to go all Hawai 5-0 just to arrest a drunk or some kid smoking a reefer. The police in this city, the ones working in the Plateau especially, are out of control. Someone needs to bring them back down to earth. [BLEEP!]

M Holy shit, I just heard the drummer from Lighthouse died. That’s too bad. But at least it was a SUNNY DAY. Get it? [BLEEP!]

F Hey, so I just heard that there was an accident at a DRAG RAING event, where they were racing trucks. A heavy truck drag racing show, it was called—personally I didn’t know that such a thing existed. But anyway, it was outside of Quebec City somewhere, I don’t know where, some small town where they closed off the street to race trucks. Now here’s the thing, a piece of the truck broke off and seven people were injured. I don’t want to say that anyone stupid enough to go to a heavy truck drag racing event probably deserves to get hit in the head with a FLYING MUFFLER or a fanbelt or whatever, but it got me to thinking—imagine if a similar thing had happened at that IDIOTIC RODEO. A bull gets loose and jumps into the stands and GORES a bunch of spectators foolish and mean enough to pay money to see animals being abused. Imagine that. Poetic justice, can anyone say? [BLEEP!]

M Greetings, this is a true Montreal story form the summer of 2017. The night of the Guns n’ Roses show I was strolling in the Concordia area—I’d rather do that than give my hard-earned cash to AXL ROSE. I’m strolling about and there’s a man and his wife at the corner of Guy and Ste. Catherine, playing this lovely Middle Eastern music. The man was singing, he is quite a talent, see them if you ever get a chance. So as I stop to listen to them, this sports car comes FLYING down the street so loud that the man was shocked. He stopped singing and playing, he was in shock. He looked up at me and I just exclaimed, “Ferrari.” And you know what he said, he said, “What a shit car.” That’s a true story from the summer of 2017. Later. [BLEEP!]

 M I’m glad there was a total solar eclipse over the United States, and no one had a clue of what it means. They were all rushing to like it was Independence Day, celebrating and thinking it’s like the greatest thing ever. But basically it’s the end of American civilization. North Korea’s got a HYDROGEN BOMB now, it’s no longer just the atomic bomb, they’re going to blow up the fucking country and it’s about fucking time. [BLEEP!]

M I’m making comments related to the nauseating and sickening developments down in Virginia with the white right racist posse that’s terrorizing everyone. Instead of removing the statues of Robert E. Lee or Thomas Jefferson we should build a statue of Donald Trump made out of TWIGS and MICE and DOGSHIT on a monumental scale unparalleled in the history of the united States of America. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™ I was just noticing that a lot of people on social media, they’re out and about decrying racism. I think it’s great, but it’s really sad that it took fucking SWASTIKA FLAGS and a body count for people to finally say, “Hey, racism’s bad.” You know, I’ve been saying that shit for years! I’ve been saying it loud, calling it out, and it’s honestly the one thing that has ALIENATED the most people from my life. I can be a pretty big fucking bitch and that is the one thing right there that has caused this—not being a bitch but calling out racism and making friends and relatives uncomfortable. I just think it’s kind of crazy, right, and I think a lot about the people that I no longer talk to, friends, close friends, longtime friends who have stopped talking to me because I was saying Donald Trump was a Nazi. Well, you know, have you been watching the news this week, motherfuckers? Yeah? Fuck you! Bye. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: Public toilets questioned, birthday party bemoaned! PLUS: It’s off to the rodeo!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Ok, I had a dream that on a beautiful sunny day I strolled from the top of the mountain on a glorious and wonderful WALKWAY that the mayor had built for us for the city’s birthday. The walkway was gold—which made sense because it cost $50 million—and it was like a yellow brick road with flowers and dancing people in costumes and fountains that worked and there were no ORANGE CONES. And then at the end of the walkway I got onto a big FERRIS WHEEL that took me spinning into the air so I could look at the city and see all the people having the greatest birthday ever. But then a construction crew outside my apartment started digging and drilling and screaming and swearing and the dream shattered like broken glass. [BLEEP!]

F Last night I had a dream that I was fucking WAYLON JENNINGS and we were stranded in LAVAL after the last metro. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I just wanted to get something off my chest. I hear complaints about the RODEO that we’ll be having at the end of the summer, and there are people protesting, and they are saying that it is bad for the animals, and that rodeo has nothing to do with Montreal. This is bullshit. Rodeo animals are some of the best cared for animals in the world, they cost a lot of money, tens of thousands of dollars, some of them. You think you are going to abuse an animal that costs that much money? No sir, you look after it like you would look after a luxury car or a YACHT. Next, people complain that this has nothing to do with Montreal, that there is no history of that in Montreal—well then you must have just got to Montreal, or been born yesterday. Montreal has always had a country and western aspect of the culture, right from the beginning. It comes from the people from all around Quebec who came to Montreal after growing up in rural areas listening to COUNTRY MUSIC, in French and English—there are many many French country singers—and going to country festivals and farm events and, yes, going to rodeos. The most famous one being St. Tite. So stop being narrow-minded and ignorant and complaining about things you don’t understand and take a chance and get out and go to the rodeo. You might even have some fun. [BLEEP!]  

M Greetings Rant Line™. This is concerning the prime minister Justin Trudeau appearing on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. Now he can say, “Hey, I’m on the cover of a magazine that’s named after a group that my mom used to have SEX with on a regular basis after the concerts.” That’s something to aspire to, isn’t it. [BLEEP!]

M I read the rant about the need for PUBLIC TOILETS, and I agree, and wanted to add that supposedly there will be some new public toilets installed in the Villa Maria borough. But then I read that each toilet which the city will install will cost $300,00—which is more than the cost of the average condo on the island of Montreal! What the fuck? But then I thought about it some more and said, well it makes sense, because what will happen is you will have the homeless people sleeping drunk in the toilets in the night, in the winter, and the crack junkies using them in the day, year round, so actually a lot of people will get free shelter for their various uses. As for those us of who just want to take a piss—or god help you a shit—well I hope there is room for us to get in. And supposedly the toilets will be self-cleaning but I will have to see that to believe it. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™ I was just pondering the BIG CRISIS in the world and it just dawned on me that James Comey is probably proportional. [BLEEP!]

F I remember coming to Montreal in the 90s and it was so VIBRANT, there were so many activities and it seemed like the city was so FREE. Now I don’t know what is going on. I don’t know what there is for a black woman in their late 40s to do in this city, that’s not necessarily intellectual, that’s more COMMUNAL. It seems kind of sad that the city has changed so much that if you’re not part of a family, your own immediate family, it seems like there’s no real activities, except if you want to DRINK or go to a porno or a STRIP BAR or something like that. I don’t know. Maybe my interests are very different from what people find exciting but feux d’artifices doesn’t seem that exciting to me. Going to La Ronde is not exciting to me anymore. What do people who don’t go to school do to socialize and meet other people? I don’t know. It’s kind of sad. That’s it. [BLEEP!]

M I hate to bitch and whine about the condition of the economy, and even though I’ve found that I’m living in my mother’s basement apartment, I think that she has to foreclose and we’re both going to be living in a SHOPPING CART pretty soon. You know, I once found five MECHOUI LAMBS once in a bin, and I’m not going to mention the name of the establishment that tossed them out, but they were frozen. I just didn’t have the room to carry them. I could go on about many kilos of burger and CHEESES, brie, camembert, I would find. And now, everywhere is as dry as a bone, as bereft as the Sahara. And what are you going to do? I don’t know. Spend $5 on a can of soup? But that’s my bitch, that’s my rant. God bless all those who are trying to survive and struggle through these difficult and depressing times. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

F Well the 375th birthday is going well, isn’t it? All we need now is a big announcement that at the end of the party we will be getting a TRUMP TOWER. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: Donald Trump is a mouni, Leonard Cohen mural is a monstrosity! PLUS: Sad and disturbing story illustrates need for public toilets!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hey I just read a story in the Globe and Mail about the massive LEONARD COHEN MURAL that Mayor Coderre is putting on Crescent street, and I have to agree with the writer, who said it is a MONSTROSITY. The street is tacky, the building is ugly and should never have been built, and Leonard Cohen himself would not have been caught DEAD drinking on Crescent street with the coke sniffing anglos and DISCO DOLLIES and pickup artists who made the street what it was, and still is. It seems our mayor has about as much taste and refinement as DONALD TRUMP. I suggest that now is the time for controlled, or uncontrolled, DEMOLITION. KA-BOOM. [BLEEP!]

M Went to the Shobaleader One show last night at Club Soda. Goddam, it was good. Thank you to Squarepusher and the rest of the team—Company Laser on drums, Art Nution on guitar and Strobe Nazard on keyboards. An amazing show, Squarepusher Sobaleader One is always welcome back in Montreal. Hope to see you soon. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, this is a response to the gentleman who stated that Donald Trump is a MALAKA and a POUSTI. He’s both of those things, I agree. But the real issue here, if we are using GREEK terminology, is that Donald Trump is also a MOUNI. And we can laugh—sometimes I laugh so hard I cry at how insignificant and insecure and pathetic and dumb and ignorant and just overall disgusting and gross this man is. Sometimes I laugh and it’s great for comedy, but a mouni with the nuclear codes is a really scary prospect, it’s a sobering thought. But there is a saving grace who has arrived on the scene and his name is Emmanuel Macron—he has been SWINGING HIS DICK around on the world stage like you wouldn’t believe. So yes, Donald Trump is a mouni, but we do have a savior for western democracy, a man whose BOA CONSTRICTOR-SIZED COCK will probably save the western alliance if he just keeps swinging it around for the next five years. You gotta take the wins, it doesn’t matter how you get them. And it’s a beautiful thing if this disgusting populism totalitarianism truly goes down—and when the pousti malaka mouni finally goes down, it’s going to be something else. The western alliance will be preserved because of one man, Emmanuel Macron. I say, let freedom ring. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. Donald Trump is an asshole, that’s all I have to say. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M Doctor, I have a problem. I’m starting to like Donald Trump. Like Michelangelo touching fingers with god. Doctor, what’s wrong with me? Or the world? [BLEEP!]

F Not to rain on anyone’s parade, but I just wanted to use this forum to remind everyone that the real meaning of Canada Day is 150 years, or more, of oppression of the INDIGENOUS PEOPLE who were here long before us and whose land was stolen and whose culture was destroyed. There is nothing to celebrate. If anything, the day should be spent in PRAYER, begging for forgiveness. But that would be useless, because there is no god, although it was in the name of our god that we slaughtered untold thousands of innocent people. As well as the BUFFALO. Happy Canada Day. [BLEEP!]

M Hahaha. I just saw the two women got in a fight at an A&W downtown and were scrapping so hard that fell out the window! Two stories down onto the street. Two drunk women in their 20s. Now that is an awesome CATFIGHT. C’mon people, where are the videos of this fight in action?! Somebody must have shot it? Please? [BLEEP!]

M This is response to one of the contributors who said he has not seen any BLACK BUS DRIVERS in Montreal and finding that to be racial bias. I in fact have seen quite a number of black and ethnic bus drivers. But I will say this, that Montreal is not Quebec, so the WHITEBREAD CONSTITUENCY of Quebec in general and it’s history and all and its approach to racial minorities is not Montreal at all. Montreal is not Quebec just like new York is not the United States and Paris is not France and so on. It just takes time to establish perception and lifestyles. It’s beyond anybody’s control which as a matter of fact is a good thing. Anyhow I happen to disagree with that observation by that contributor. [BLEEP!]

M What is with people shitting on the streets? Ok, I know that sounds weird, so let me explain. I live in the Plateau, on a street just off St. Lawrence, on the ground floor, and the other day at around 6 p.m. I hear somebody rustling around on my porch. I go out and was just about to yell “What the fuck!?” when I see it is an old couple, and they are trying to get my HOSE going. And that is because the old woman is covered in shit! Shit all running down her legs. So the old guy is trying to hose her down with my hose! She’s got her skirt hiked up and he just lets it go, just like I guess she did. I say, oh okay, go ahead, and in fact I gave them some paper towels, because obviously I felt a bit sorry for them, as disgusting as the whole scene was. So he sprays her down and then I guess wipes her off—I didn’t want to watch—and they went on their way. Except the next day when I go to put out my garbage, I find in the can all the shit-covered paper towels and the OLD BIRD’S UNDERWEAR. I mean, really? Anyway, I doubt this is a common incident, people shitting in the streets, but it makes you wonder—shouldn’t there be somewhere for people who are in this… uh… situation, to go? The mayor seems to be throwing money around like crazy, maybe put in a new pubic toilet or two? But it also occurred to me that if she has a problem, like incontinence or something, shouldn’t she be walking around in DEPENDS? Plan in advance? But who knows, maybe she ate some bad SHISH TAOUK. So I suppose it could happen to anyone. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: Fuck the white working class! PLUS: Don’t light up the bridge, do let me on the bus!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Well I have to comment about the $40-milion WASTED on illuminating a bridge where there have been more suicides in the history of North America than any other bridge, apart from the Golden Gate in San Francisco. And that’s a true historical fact—the Jacques Cartier is a NOTORIOUS place of suicide in the record books! I think really that money should have been allocated towards public housing, fixing potholes or making sure the ice is cleared so old people don’t break their hips. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Mr. Coderre, mayor of Montreal. If you want my vote in the next election DON’T LIGHT UP THE BRIDGE. Find better ways to spend our hard-earned tax money, because this is stupid. Anyways, je me souviens. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

F Ok. This goes out to the fucking STM bus driver on the 108 line who, when I was trying to get on with this giant-ass BOOKSHELF, and I asked him if he could put down the RAMP, and he was like, oh, it’s not a mover. Dude, the goddam GREEN LINE IS DOWN, I can’t take the fucking metro, I’ve been taking three buses all over town, I walked 10 minutes to come to this fucking bus stop, it’s midnight, I’m 5 feet tall, this goddam bookshelf is 5 ½ feet tall, put down your fucking ramp and help me! There was like six people who helped me on all the buses and this goddam bus driver is giving me shit, all because the metro is down and I couldn’t get home with this stupid bookshelf that the guy on fucking Tradehole told me wasn’t that heavy. Arrgggh! Ok. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M I had a dream that I was serving Tony Bennett coffee in a BALLERINA SUIT, and then I went to the bathroom and there was graffiti on the wall, and it said: at the age of 10, man is an animal, by the age of 20, a lunatic, by the age of 30 a failure, by the age of 40 a fraud, and finally, by the age of 50, a criminal. So then I danced out of there. [BLEEP!]

M I was listening to Celine Dion singing and I realized, it sounds like a sea lion dyin’. Celine Dion …sea lion dyin’. Sorry. [BLEEP!]

M The other day I was on the metro and some hip hop dude gets on and he had on these GOLD CONVERSE HIGH TOPS. And I’m thinking in my head, does David Bowie know that his shoes are missing? If Ziggy Stardust played basketball, those are the shoes he would wear. Why on earth would you want to wear a pair of gold high tops that look like you stole them out of David Bowie’s wardrobe? [BLEEP!]

M Hey I just picked up the Best of Montreal edition and I have to say I agree that I do find it odd, Best Fries McDonalds, Best Coffee Starbucks. But then again you have to take the fact that a lot of people who read Cult Montreal are Ontario transplants who have just been shipped in by mom and dad, bucks a plenty, and they haven’t yet discovered all that this wonderful city has to offer. As for coffee I’d like to nominate that little coffee shop that’s on the corner of Mont Royal and St. Denis, right beneath the stairs. They always make a pretty sweet latte that’s not too expensive. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, so I’m originally a Montrealer, moved to Toronto for about 15 years, moved back. I love Montreal and I love Quebec, but there some stuff I just can’t understand. For one, I got a family, I buy milk, milk costs $4 in Ontario. Milk costs $6.89 in Quebec. I don’t understand why. Is it because it’s colder here? Probably not. Is it because the cows are separatists, souverainistes, and they need more land? I don’t know. But it just doesn’t make sense that a staple, something that every kid needs, costs 60 per cent more in Quebec. I’m almost thinking of putting together a documentary on it, the MILK MAFIA. If anyone wants to get back to me and join in or help me with that, or even just discuss, I’d appreciate that (leaves name and number). [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, this is about the working class, specifically the WHITE WORKING CLASS. Seems like everybody, all the media, politicians of all stripes, all they want to do is SUCK THE DICK of the white working class. And I just want to say, fuck the white working class! These are the type of people who, if you tell them that they are better because they are white, will literally eat shit and call it filet mignon without even being prompted. You want to talk about millennial entitlement, let’s talk about white working class male entitlement. You got Hilary Clinton—she was not a perfect candidate, but she wasn’t a nuclear-war-starting psychopath. And she had a program to retrain and reintegrate into the workforce with better jobs workers in the manufacturing industry and coal mines. She would have helped. But then you had Donald Trump—all he said was imma get your job back. And they went for that. So these people, they fucking drink their SHITTY BEER and they have their fucking THIRD GRADE EDUCATION and they whine and cry about the politicians and the elites—oh, they’re lying to us they’re lying to us—and then Hilary Clinton—and they hate her because of her VAGINA and because she sounds intelligent when she speaks—when Hilary Clinton offers a complex solution to a complex problem, one that might require a bit of work on their end, learning a new job, but in the end its going to get them more job security, it’s going to help them feed their families, its going to make their lives better, they just ignore that! Because they just want to be lied to, they just want the guy who is going to turn the clock back to goddam 1964 and everything’s going to be the same and you’re going to work in the fucking COAL MINE and you’re going to work in the factory and you’re going to be just like some guy in a goddam BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN song and nothing ever is going to fucking change. I am so sick of these people, I am so sick of sucking up to these people! Fuck the white working class. And I say that as somebody who escaped the white working class. Fuck the white working class. Good night. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, my rant is about dickless motherfuckers roaming the streets acting like your shit don’t stink. My job on earth, only put here through god, is to let you know that your shit does stink. It stinks very badly. So freeze your buttholes and then get back on the street, make that money, and make sure you BREAK ME OFF at the end of the night, 2:45 max. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: STM diversity, Physical Graffiti, plastic ubiquity! PLUS: Is it better to be a prostitute or a rufiana?!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hey, I am waiting for the bus and I was just thinking—did you ever see a BLACK BUS DRIVER here in Montreal? Did you ever see an Asian bus driver? Did you ever see any type of bus driver other that a pure white Quebecois bus driver? What is up with that? I think even the POLICE have more variety now. [BLEEP!]

F About kicking Sid Vicious in the balls. Let Sid Vicious rest in peace. He was a NICE GUY. He had nothing to do with whatever happened, you don’t know the whole story, there’s a lot of bullshit surrounding him. Let the man rest in peace. And as for kicking him in the balls, I would blow your fucking balls into pieces for what you said, you stupid son of a bitch. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, I’m commenting about the person who complained about the DOLLAR STORE PLASTIC. Well, yes, it’s obvious that when you go into a dollar store, it’s just this AMUSEMENT PARK of plastic shit. But it’s not just China, it’s the whole world that has a plastic problem. We have a problem with everything—from your Sunlight liquid detergent to your shoes, plastic is everywhere. I think that’s probably the challenge for humanity, apart from nuclear annihilation and other unmentionable people that run the governments of our world. It’s the whole thing, it’s not just China. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this in response to the moron who thinks that people should be eating RICE and POTATOES out of the food banks. Why don’t you try going to a food bank and getting a small bag of rice and potatoes and a can of tun to last you for two weeks? See if you fucking like it. Fuck you moron. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is the guy who was whining about how limited his choices were with his FOOD STAMPS at the Provigo, and this guy calls up and says that I sound like I am living in my MOTHER’S BASEMENT APARTMENT. Now, I take umbrage to that. No—I was abandoned at the doorstep of my mother’s WOMB, and when you’re singing for a band called the Wacky Pack of Lobstermen from Mars, you ain’t got a lot of options buddy. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M This might be boring for those who are driving Maseratis and Mercedes Benzes and Cadillacs, but I ain’t in that bracket. I want to share my grief that a bottle of SOYA SAUCE is $6, $16 for a hunk of ROMANO CHEESE and $40 for a LEG OF LAMB. Let’s not go on. So yes, it’s very important to go vegan and just eat BIRD SEED. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. This one is about the album Physical Graffiti from Led Zeppelin, 1975, and the opening track is called “Custard Pie.” It’s a great rock tune and I’m listening to it this afternoon. Now I’ve had this album since 1991, I bought it at L’Échange on Mount Royal. Double album. And it just occurred to me that Robert Plant—he’s not talking about dessert! It’s actually a different pie that your girlfriend serves up for you if you’ve been a really good boy! Enjoy gents. Have a good night. [BLEEP!]

M I just realized that the first week in December in 1980 has got to be the WORST WEEK in the history of rock music. On December the fourth you had the press conference to let the world know that Led Zeppelin was ending because Bonham had passed away that September. And then four days later John Lennon gets shot to death in front of the Dakota Apartments in New York City, thus ending any hope forever for a complete Beatles reunion. Two events, one after another, unbelievable. The worst week in rock history, bar none. [BLEEP!]

F This is to the man who ranted that OLD PEOPLE falling and dying on ICY STREETS is natural and keeps them from living to a hundred and being a burden on society. People who fall and break hips don’t usually die. They often suffer painful and long recoveries, and you better believe that that puts a big burden on our health system. Plus all that shit you’re saying is called AGEISM, my friend, and you better grow put of it, because one day you too will wake up and be… old. Unless god forbid, you die young from a fall while riding around the iceless summer streets of Montreal without a HELMET. Hey, maybe that’s also natural and keeps people from living to a hundred and being a burden on society. Traffic accidents, hmm, by your logic that’s just another way to cull the herd, eh? Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I just want to give a shout out to NEO-LIBERALISM. People bash it all the time. But when FACISM is knocking at your door, neo-liberalism is not so bad. I think about this high quality of living that I have—you have to appreciate what you’ve got. You can’t just say let’s BURN IT ALL DOWN to the motherfucking ground, because you know what comes out of that? Donald TRUMP. And now the richest and freest nation on earth is going to be turned into a fascist fucking basket case. We’re all going to lose our high standard of living, we’re going to be all fucking poor and y’know, I’ll see you all in the SOUP LINE. [BLEEP!]

F To the guy who called Melania Trump a prostitute, it’s better to be a prostitute than a RUFIANA. And as for Donald Trump being a pousti and a malaka—I think he’s trying to do the BEST JOB that he can. He’s closing borders for a reason in Mexico and all around—because of the DRUG DEALERS. I don’t think you should be bad mouthing him. [BLEEP!]

F Well guess frickin’ what, I’m going to rant to you right now! I’m going to rant to you right now! Oh my Lord! We went to frickin’ CHOIR, and we practiced for 12 hours and then they pulled us out of the choir and made us leave because of severe weather warnings in our county, and we don’t even get to perform. And we practiced for more that 12 hours and we don’t even get to SING OUT. And I’m so SAD. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: Tim Horton’s, Melania Trump, a dead sperm whale! PLUS: Icy sidewalks cull the herd, man argues!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Really, we’re going to get HEATED SIDEWALKS? That has got to be the single stupidest idea the mayor has come up with yet. This is very very un-Montreal! We are Montrealers—we can walk on ice! If you can’t walk on ice, you shouldn’t live here. If you’re a tourist, learn how to walk on ice or go home. Or I guess go walk around the stupid underground city. But more seriously, in Montreal, old people falling down on the ice and breaking their HIP and then dying is the way things go, it’s natural. It stops them from living to be 100 and being a burden on society. It culls the HERD. Heated sidewalks will mess up the whole social order. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is in response to the fellow who had the vouchers from the food bank and went to Provigo. He has quite the sense of ENTITLEMENT. Instead of being grateful for the fact that he is getting food stamps, he seems to need to phone in and leave sarcastic rants about the prices at Provigo. May I suggest to him that he stop looking at PISTACHIOS and STEAK and start looking at items such as rice in bulk or perhaps potatoes. Use a little creativity and imagination and it’ll go a long way. You sound fresh out of mom’s basement and seem befuddled by the layout of a supermarket—maybe you’ve been doing your shopping at the dépanneur? Peace. [BLEEP!]

M A SPERM WHALE was found dead in the middle of the North Atlantic last week. It had swallowed a lot of PLASTIC in the ocean, dying from those causes. I just went to a dollar store, to save a dollar, and it ended up costing me a day of MISERABLE CONTEMPLATION about the future. Look at all the plastic from China in that store! How many whales can you kill? I can’t even believe people are so happy with this crap and just let it all go on without stepping in. But that’s the human condition, isn’t it? Rank idiocy. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy confused about seeing his recycling get thrown in with the GARBAGE in the same truck, man, you gotta report that shit. I did. Was only sorry I didn’t have time to snap a photo. Pardon the pun, but it would have made a big stink when it went to the local media. [BLEEP!]

F Just heard that Montreal has been officially named the Worst Traffic Congested City in Canada. Hooray for us—we’re number 1, we’re number 1! Yes, I am sitting in car stuck on the Decarie going south and yes, I want to KILL myself. [BLEEP!]

M Yo Rant Line™, what’s up. I want to speak to you today about that dude in the metro station, Tommy Boucher. You know, the HUGGING DUDE, he gives you hugs, to lift your day. I must admit the first time I ever seen him, I wanted to kick him in the balls just like Sid Vicious, you know what I mean? I was really in a bad mood and I said, how dare you stand in front of me and offer me a hug when I’m in such a pissed off mood? I just felt like kicking him right in the nuts. Anyways, I kinda got to thinking about it—maybe this guy offers something very important to Montrealers. And then I though about it some more and I said yeah—this guy provides the most important moment in some people’s day. He spoke on the news today about how he hugged a woman for 15 minutes and she cried on his shoulder. Tommy Boucher made a difference in that woman’s life that day. And to me that’s very important—it’s a necessary thing and Tommy Boucher, you should be applauded. And the next time I see you, I’m going to give you a hug. I ain’t going to hug you for 15 minutes, but I will definitely hug you. Keep on doing what you are doing. In my books Tommy Boucher you are all right. [BLEEP]

M This one is about that jackass of a president of the United States, Donald J. Trump. I cannot this twit is the leader of the United States. His WIFE is nothing more than a PROSTITUTE who he pays to blow him—I mean come on, seriously, you think she’d be with him if he had no cash? Come on. What a joke. This guy is a joke. Donald Trump, please, just go away. Go into hiding, go hang out with ELVIS PRESLEY, just leave the planet. You jackass. Go back and do your lousy TV crap. (sighs) I just can’t stand Donald Trump. Fucking jackass. What a malaka, pousti. [BLEEP!]

M Ok here’s my rant. So I wrote a letter to the editor of the Gazette with a cute little rhyme I came up with on New Year’s Day. Thing is, I never sent it in to the Gazette because I wasn’t sure it was up to their HIGH STANDARDS. But now that I’m reading the Rant Line™ I think you’ll like it. It’s about acceptance and diversity, and I wrote it while sipping my TEA at a popular Tim Horton’s. Now, if Tim’s isn’t a good example of a diverse group of people with common interests, then what is? Anyhow, enough said and here goes. (recites) “I don’t care if you’re black brown red white yellow brown or blue/If you’re nice to me, I’ll be nice to you.” Cheers, folks. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: Justin Trudeau, False Equivalency People, Sophie Gregoire’s pocket! PLUS: Bob Dylan fans rise up in outrage!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Yeah, I’m a male in my mid-50s and I’m responding to the jerkoff who ranted against Mitch Melnick and Bob DYLAN. Really—fucking Bono? You want to compare Bono to fucking Dylan? Are you fucking joking? Give me a fucking break. By the way, Dylan didn’t go to the Nobel ceremony because he’s been on a fucking endless tour for the past 30 fucking years and he’s always booked. But hey he sent a SPEECH. So if this little fucking TWERP who thinks that because Bono was nominated for woman of the year he’s better than Dylan—Bono has never written anything close to Dylan! Just remember twerp, that between ’65 and ’66, in 18 months, Dylan released three of the fucking best records that have ever hit rock ’n’ roll history including the number one rock ’n’ roll song of all time, “Like a Rolling Stone.” Really, Bono?! Him and his whole fucking band don’t fucking measure up to anything close to Dylan. Well, that’s my one rant, probably for my whole lifetime, thanks a lot for listening. And if you print it, I hope that this little twerp who thinks Bono is fucking great will read it. [BLEEP!]

M So I go to the FOOD BANK and I get these vouchers for Provigo, $10 each, thank you very much, god bless their hearts. I take them to the Provigo, I walk around all LOST IN THE SUPERMARKET—$8 for a tiny bag of PISTACHIOS, $5 for a steak, $80 for a turkey. It was so revolting and hideous that I lost my appetite, I felt like chucking my coupons into the trash. But I won’t, I won’t, I’ll try. Oh my god… food. [BLEEP!]

M Here’s my proposal for 2017 for Montreal. Let’s throw all the police in jail and free all the prisoners. Hallelujah. And if I’m not Leonard Cohen’s illegitimate LOVE CHILD I don’t know who is. [BLEEP!]

M Just reading the last Rant Line™ and seeing four or five rants about that band Graveland, and I gotta agree with one of the people—banning it gave it publicity. But I looked Graveland up on the net too, and they don’t look too much fascist to me, other than one or two photos of them doing NAZI SALUTES. The rest of the photos look like medieval VIKING-ish kind of stuff. And nobody mentioned the fact that LEMMY of Motorhead, rest in peace, was a big collector of Nazi edged swords and weapons and DAGGERS and the like. He had a huge, huge collection of that stuff. Nobody boycotted his shows, people still wear Motorhead t-shirts and they’re still very popular. Maybe these people who shut shows down like Graveland should concentrate their efforts on stuff that is threatening today’s world—like JIHADISTS. I don’t think Nazis are posing too much of a threat these days. I mean hey, this band is POLISH—Poland was one of the countries that suffered the most in the last world war. If they are that Nazi, you’d think that in Poland there would be some real outcry about having a Nazi band. Get your shit together, get your facts straight, man. Stop freaking out over supposed Nazis, seeing Nazis everywhere, man. What a joke. [BLEEP!]

F Hey. So I am really confused about something. The RECYCLING truck just came by and it was a GARBAGE truck and they put all the bags in and just mashed all into one big MUSH. Don’t they tell us to clean the jars and take the labels off stuff? And then they just mash it all together? What’s going on? [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, I don’t know if you were just fucking with me, but I’m the girl who left the long and reasoned defense of JUSTIN TRUDEAU. [ed’s note: the rant was lost in a rare but major Rant Line™ system malfunction]. You might be joking but it’s important and it’s worth saying—Trudeau is not perfect, but you know who else was not perfect? Hilary Clinton. And if Hilary Clinton had have won the presidential election right now we’d all be talking about holding her to account on raising minimum wage, on extending maternity leave. We’d all be speculating happily on what cabinet position Elizabeth Warren might have in the Clinton administration. Instead, we’re facing the prospect of a potential HOLOCAUST, NUCLEAR WAR, a GLOBAL ECONOMIC CRISIS that will hit everybody. These False Equivalency People who said Clinton and Trump are the same, that Harper and Trudeau are the same, there is no difference—these are just privileged crybaby white people. If you look at the NDP, who I assume that anti-Trudeau ranter wanted to promote, they were for the Saudi Arms deal because of the union jobs. On Israel, Mulcair kicked anybody who was a little bit critical of Israel out of his party during the election. Pipelines—Mulcair didn’t have a position on pipelines. This was all while he thought he was going to win. And when he got reduced to a third party RUMP, which he deserved, suddenly he became the biggest SOCiAL JUSTICE WARRIOR in the world. So when the adults get in, and they have to govern, sometimes they have to make compromises. I’m all for CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM of Trudeau, that’s great, I’m happy to hear it, but you also need to look at what the alternative is. And the alternative would be Kelly Leach or Kevin O’Leary. If you can look your Muslim neighbor, your visible minority neighbor, in the face and tell them that Kelly leach, who’s stirring up hatred already in Canada, is a better alternative for Canada than Justin Trudeau, then power to you. But I just can’t do that myself and I will continue to fight crazy right wing nutjobs but I will also continue to try to educate ideologically pure left wing nutjobs as well. What happened in the U.S., it could happen here. These people who just want to tear a man down because he didn’t present a UNICORN to them at their front door, I just, I just don’t get it, man. We’ve got it so good here and theses people… they just want to throw it all away. Andyways, that’s my rant, thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. This is concerning Justin Trudeau’s visit to Sherbrooke, Quebec in the middle of January 2017. Justin Trudeau, you’re an asshole. The lady posed a question en anglais, in English—you should have answered her in English, you dickhead. You’ll never be half of the man your father was. You have no balls—they’re in Sophie Gregoire’s POCKET. You should not even be the prime minister of Canada, the only reason you are is because of your last name. But you are not really qualified. You were in the right pace at the right time, and it found you, and now you’re the prime minister. But Sophie Gregoire, she cracks the whip, your job should be—you LICK HER ASS. You do things like this to the Anglophone community, you’re going to see what is going to happen, Justin Trudeau. You’re going to be nowhere. The Beatles song “Nowhere Man,” it’s gonna be about you, bro. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: Black metal, Bob Dylan, Bono, a NYC blowjob! PLUS: Donald Trump is lucky # 5, man opines!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Congratulations to everybody who came out tonight to stop the National Socialist band Graveland from playing. This is not about free speech. This is about FASCISM. Fascism must be stopped, and fascist ideology should not be permitted to spread. Not at our concerts, not in our society. We will not let this happen. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I don’t really know, because I had never heard of them, but I just saw that this band Graveland had their show cancelled, because the anti-fascist league or whoever made a FUSS and a protest. Ummm, isn’t there supposed to be freedom of speech here in Canada? And a bunch of people in masks can stop it? Isn’t that just as worrying? [BLEEP!]

M Hello, and wake up. Graveland are more about Vikings and paganism and Nordic mythology than racism or Nazis or whatever you people are thinking. You might as well go ahead and ban all BLACK METAL, for fuck’s sakes. Get a life, get a hobby, get something else to do. [BLEEP!]

M So I heard this band Graveland had its show stopped, so of course I went onto the internet to find out more about them. That’s how censorship works, by the way—it makes people more interested in what is being censored. But that’s another story. So anyway, I played a few of their videos, which to me seem pretty average: growling and melodramatic black metal, big deal. But the funniest are the pictures of them in various Viking or black outfits and with swords and wearing makeup, trying to look, I don’t know, scary? What they look like is a bunch of pathetic POLISH WANKERS. A bunch of FRUITS. But like I say, I am not sure anyone needed to turn them into forbidden fruit. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. They say Trump is number 45. I think they got it wrong. Listen to the group that I believe he belongs to: Lincoln. Garfield. McKinley. Kennedy. Trump. If you’re smart, you know what this list means. Later. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I am experiencing the funeral of hope and democracy. This morning the news came through and I WEPT FOR HILLARY. I spoke to certain people today and they all said that they also cried this morning. It’s as traumatizing as the Twin Towers, but it’s even more OMINOUS. It’s a sad day for all of us. Let’s just hope that he won’t do the harm that he promised to do. [BLEEP!]

M The last time America was GREAT was in 1972 in New York City when I saw the Rolling Stones give a free concert and I had my first joint and got my first BLOWJOB. That’s when America was great. [BLEEP!]

M Ok, so in this city we have so much poorly planned construction going on that you can’t drive anywhere without hitting orange cones and sitting in TOTAL TRAFFIC GRIDLOCK. So you go to take the metro and it fucking has a series of fucking breakdowns so you are standing in the metro waiting for a train that doesn’t come, which is even worse than sitting in your car, and in either case, you can’t get to where you want to go in any amount of reasonable time whatsoever. And meanwhile, HISTORIC BUILDINGS are burning down left and right. This is no way to run a city. [BLEEP!]

F Hello Rant Line™. I just wanted to say, you know who I feel sorry for is this poor girl who wanted to look after her friend’s TWO DOGS when her friend went on vacation, but she can’t, because she already has two dogs herself, and part of this new Montreal by-law, which was really supposed to be about pitbulls, is that one apartment can only have two dogs. So that means if she looked after her friend’s dogs, she would have four dogs it would be a $600 fine. Of course, her friend would rather have her dogs at her friend’s house, and not in a CAGE in a kennel, but no, this crazy law will stop that. So now her friend can’t go on vacation and nobody is happy, except maybe the PITBULLS, who are still running around without muzzles and getting ready to bite whoever they feel like. Well done everyone. [BLEEP!]

M Something really got on my nerves today. I want to send this rant out to TSN 690’s Mitch Melnick, the hugest BOB DYLAN fan in Montreal. You want to worship Bob Dylan, that son of a bitch prick who doesn’t even have the decency to go to the ceremony to receive his Nobel award? Seriously, Melnick? That’s who you want to give your fanfare to, a prick like that? Well you know what? He’s no BONO, that’s for sure. Bono was named Woman of the Year, recently—Bono’s a man last time I checked—and yet he still went to the ceremony to collect his award. Bono or Bob Dylan, for me it’s an easy choice—Bono all the way. Bob Dylan sucks! Mitch Melnick, are you listening? He cannot sing and his music is ANTIQUATED, it’s from some other era that is not even relevant today. You just keep going following Bob Dylan all over the world, Robert Zimmerman, go ahead, and I’ll listen to U2 and Bono. Cheers. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the dude who said there was no use for Mordechai Richler’s GAZEBO except to urinate on it. Well, good for you, but maybe you should go piss on something of Leonard Cohen’s if you want a real challenge. And maybe you should read some more and educate yourself. [starts singing] Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. [BLEEP!]

[Ed’s note: To the girl who left a long and reasoned defense of Justin Trudeau’s record on human rights, Saudi Arabia and the BDS movement, we regret to inform you that an ULTRA-RARE malfunction of Rant Line™ technology resulted in the rant vanishing completely forever. If so inclined, please call back and leave it again.]

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THIS WEEK: Saudi Arabia, sluts, Sussudio and a single slice of bread! PLUS: Man recommends city rehire Mafia to clear up construction woes!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M So I just got back from the NETHERLANDS, I was there for 10 days. And everywhere I went they were all asking me, “Oh so you guys are legalizing IT next year and how’s that going to be and how are you guys going to sell it?” And I was telling everybody, I have NO CLUE. But one thing I do hope—I hope it is distributed in COFFEE SHOPS, so there can be somewhat of a little bit of a social interaction. And maybe it will be more of a FUN THING. I just hope somebody in the government pays attention to the Netherlands and maybe takes a hint or two on methods of distribution and so forth. Cafés! [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. I just wanted to call and talk a bit about all the HALLOWEEN SLUTS. I know that is supposed to be empowering for women to dress up like a little slut and I know we are not supposed to SLUT SHAME them anymore. But is it ok if I dress up like DONALD TRUMP and grab a few of them by the pussy? [BLEEP!]

M Ok, I just saw that Montreal has 10 more years of CONSTRUCTION and roadwork planned—another decade of this shit! It can take you hours to get from the Plateau to Verdun. That’s not an exaggeration, that is how long it took me to get down to Verdun and back. Three hours! And we’re going to have 10 more years of this? And also they say the next two years are going to be even worse than the last two—I would not believe that possible. Look, they have got to get this shit organized, stop letting the construction companies work wherever they want and whenever they want. Or not work—half the time you drive by and the site is empty, just orange cones and piles of dirt and a hole. Nobody doing any work at all, or working at the pace of a snail. We got to do something about this, because the mayor has let this situation get totally out of control. We were a lot better off when the MAFIA was running the show. [BLEEP!]

F To the delusional girl who said the TRUDEAU HONEYMOON is going to go on forever and ever until the end of time, and how great and DREAMY he is, did she see the youth labour group who showed their backs to him and booed and heckled him? Did she hear about the big trade deal he did with Saudi Arabia despite their horrendous record on human rights? Did she know that he condemned the BDS movement against Israel—another cowardly move against an initiative designed to try to keep a rogue country in check. I could go on. You say the honeymoon will last forever—I say we’re still getting fucked. [BLEEP!]

F So I was at the Atwater metro today day and someone was handing something out. Usually I don’t take what people hand out, but this looked small and different, maybe interesting. And it was a little plastic bag and inside the bag was a SINGLE SLICE OF BREAD. Excuse me? The sticker on the ziplock bag—the whole thing looked pretty home made—said “Bon Matin” and “essayez maintenant” and that it has no artificial colour or flavours, so that’s all good, I guess. But what am I going to do with a single slice of bread? Take it home and have HALF A SANDWICH? Please, try to think these things through. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. I was just going through my PUBLISAC and I came to the flyer for one of the pharmacies in town and I see that the new Ghostbusters flick, the DVD, is $22.99. I always wondered what a piece of shit cost, and now I know. Let me get this straight: you think people are actually going to pay $23 for a DVD when the film in the cinema was cheaper and people didn’t go to see that? Why are they going to pay $23 to own a piece of shit? People, c’mon. 1984, Bill Murray, don’t mess with the best, don’t even try to make another one. Please, please, let it be. [BLEEP!]

M Just heard on the news that Phil Collins is coming out of retirement. Oh yippee! Oh isn’t that great! You know what Phil, I don’t caaaaare anymoooore. Seriously Phil, it was nice when you were gone. Didn’t you make enough money in the 80s? You know, I’m still trying to live down that I named my SECOND DAUGHTER Sussudio, and now you have to come out of retirement? It’s enough Phil. You made enough cash with Genesis, No Jacket Required, now there’s a jacket required. Please. And there’s that Martin guy, who does a tribute downtown—isn’t that enough? [BLEEP!]

M As to the comments on Mordecai Richler’s GAZEBO bestowed by the city in his name and the urge to piss on it, I concur totally. It’s way over the top. There are other writers in the city who have accomplished just as much, even though they are not as LUMINOUS. I found it really strange that the Mordecai Richler Library is actually a former Anglican church—it was bestowed on the city by the Anglicans. Like, that’s weird, it’s a clusterfuck of discombobulated combinations. I think if you are going to name something Mordecai Richler, you should submit a whole new edifice. Anyway, I’m up for Réjean Ducharme, the great Quebecois writer who wrote some of the finest work in the history of Quebec and deserves far more credit than he has been given. [BLEEP!]

M Hey hey Rant Line™. This is the dude who said there was no use for Mordecai Richler’s gazebo, except maybe to urinate all over it. Well folks— been there, done that! Early this morning. Had a lot to piss out, felt great. Now I can say I pissed all over a shit disturber’s gazebo. Arrivederci. [BLEEP!]

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Written by Comments Off on THIS WEEK: Saudi Arabia, sluts, Sussudio and a single slice of bread! PLUS: Man recommends city rehire Mafia to clear up construction woes!! Posted in regular