THIS WEEK: Hippies, hookers, the science of human attraction! PLUS: In praise of the mohawk and metro ticket!!

 “edited” by AL SOUTH

F Yes, I am calling—and I’m surprised if I’m the only one—because I can’t be the only one who is sick to death of these WINDOW-RATTLING FIREWORKS all summer long. Once a week on Saturdays is bad enough, but do we really need them in the middle of the week, too, when people maybe need to have some quiet and not have things shake on their shelves from the idiot explosions? Which, by the way, also send poison garbage into our air, land and water. Every year, they get louder and louder since dumb people equate bigger explosions with a better show. Like Hollywood movies. But just like Hollywood movies, we would be better off without them. Let’s start a petition to get them stopped! Yeah! [BLEEP!]

M If anyone is the vicinity of Coloniale and Napoleon, please be advised that there is a GROW-OP in the vicinity. Or at least that’s what it smells like to me. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I want to complain about the Festival Juste Pour Rire, which should be called Just for REAR, like ass, because of all these fake-titted hookers walking around with fat comedians in ugly RAYON shirts. Does the festival hire all the hookers for these guys, or do these guys get to their hotel and immediately flip the Yellow Pages open to Hookers, Old and Spent and hire themselves up a few? I mean, the fucking Eurotrash and fat Americans during the F1 have got nothing on these idiots when it comes to embarrassing themselves. Also, their shows aren’t that funny. Anyhow, I’m here all week. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, to the female who ranted about BEARDS. First of all, may I just say I am a straight male, I have a full head of hair and can grow a full beard, and presently have one. I think that it is good that people are growing beards again. I must admit though, that anyone who can’t grow a full beard and just has those little patchy things on different parts of their face—maybe they shouldn’t grow a beard. But since we’re on the subject of body hair, and you seem to have an obsession with it, let’s just say one thing. Ladies, next time you are thinking of shaving the old GLORY HOLE, why don’t you sit in a chair, spread those legs, and take a good look at it with a mirror. And then ask yourself, do you have a nice looking one, or not? Because believe me, there are some women who should cover it with some hair, because not all pussies look nice! Some do, some don’t. The ones that look like they have a piece of STEAK hanging out of them, then maybe the old Mohawk or METRO TICKET—whatever you want to call it, a patch of hair to cover it up—will do you some good. Also, when you shave it and it looks like it’s got a whole bunch of five o’clock shadow, that doesn’t look too appealing either. Ladies, take care of those pussies. Manicure them the way they should be according to how they look. Take care down there. [BLEEP!]

F Hello Rant Line™. I am calling because I am so mad at the city of Montreal right now. I love garage and yard sales and I’ve been out wandering around for the last few weeks looking for them and I decided to have one of my own, on Bernard. And the CITY COPS came and busted us! They told us if that we didn’t move we would get charged. What kind of fucking ridiculousness is this?! We can’t get rid of our own crap? Come on Montreal! Let us get together as a community and get to meet our neighbours and sell our shit, for fuck’s sake! [BLEEP!]

M You ever think maybe it’s time to start DESTROYING THE CAMERAS instead of feeling camera raped? [BLEEP!]

M This is a follow-up to the rant about booty-shorts and women showing their shit through skimpy clothes. I don’t know if you realize this, but people are just animals, okay? Stinky, dirty APES. And the only thing they want from each other is to fuck. Guys want to fuck because they like to fuck, and women want to fuck to trap a guy to be protected from other guys who they don’t want to fuck. That’s it. That’s the whole of human relationships right there. Fuck or be fucked. You can dress it up and talk about love and what everybody has to offer everybody else or whatever, but it’s just a VENEER on top of the facts. And that’s why women dress that way. To catch some dick so they don’t have to be afraid or look for their own food. Anyone who says otherwise doesn’t know their SCIENCE. [BLEEP!]

F I’m just calling because I am in my 30s now and I realize that a lot of the things that I thought I would accomplish in my life and a lot of the possibilities that I thought were open to me, aren’t really. So, all my DREAMS have died. And the saddest thing for me is not the DUST of my dreams, but that nobody warned me that this would happen. And in a way, now that it has happened, it feels inevitable. Everyone must go through this, so more people should talk about it. That’s all. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, I am calling in response to pissing-on-the-hippies Rant Line™ guy. I don’t think you have a right to put down hippies, since there aren’t any left, they are all DEAD, and everyone left is a zombie. If you had any education about what hippies really were, you would give them an ounce of respect. Hippies paved the way for the great world we are in living in today. They stopped the Vietnam War! The hippies planted the seeds that we now see in Greenpeace and your environmental and eco-positive proactive groups. So don’t use the word hippie if you don’t like somebody just because they are wasting your time bitching. Hippies took it up the ASS. They were shot and kicked around! If you want to learn something about the sacrifices of the hippies, watch the movie Easy Rider. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

THIS WEEK: Short shorts, jean bucket hats, camera rape! PLUS: Girl attends high school reunion, ends up on street surrounded by puke!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F I don’t know if it’s just me or if it’s a sign of the times or whatever, but it occurred to me that there are so many movies and shows or bands that I would honestly have never heard of if I hadn’t found them while looking at what’s available to download from the torrent sites. That’s got to be an argument in favour of the PIRATING SCENE, no? [BLEEP!]

M Yessir. I have been hearing a lot lately about how good CHOM is these days, that it has improved, and so I thought, you know, sure. Turn off the XM for a bit and check it out. Wow. I mean, no. It is still as shit as ever! Back to the much better radio satellite has let me have. Like the man was saying on CHOM‑won’t get fooled again. [BLEEP!]

F Hey. Today was my 10-year HIGH SCHOOL REUNION. I had a really great time, saw all my friends‑it was amazing. Except for the fact that the fucking boy I loved in high school for five years, tonight, declares his love for me, and KISSES me! You know what‑it’s fucking over! You are 10 years too late! You motherfucker! Right now I’m in Mile End, and I am getting some bagels and my best friend from high school and elementary school and all of school is lying down next to me and she’s PUKING and I am trying to feed her Fairmount Bagels. And cars are driving by. Ten years, motherfucker! Ten years. And this is the moment you choose? No. You know what, love stories don’t happen ending, ever. Don’t wait 10 years. Tell me when we are 15 years old, and it matters. Motherfucker. [BLEEP!]

M It wasn’t my intention to get involved with this, but about this stuff with the SHORTS in Beaconsfield. Where that high school kid got sent home for wearing cut-off jean shorts, and then was all like, “Hey, teach boys not to look at girls as sex objects, so I can wear what I want.” Well, you know what? If you’re wearing booty shorts and showing your ass, then, yeah‑you’re saying “Look at me! Don’t you want to fuck me?” I’m not saying this Beaconsfield kid did that. From what I saw, mostly her shorts were not in the least bit sexy. But speaking generally, that’s it. Saying that you’re HOT and should be allowed to wear whatever to keep cool is bullshit. I’m sure I’d be much more comfortable walking around with my NUTS cooling in the breeze than cooped up in my pants. Don’t get me wrong. It’s important to teach boys that girls are their equals. But it’s just as important to teach girls that the people SELLING them the idea of booty shorts and shit and revealing clothes want them to be whores. Fuck that. Educate the world. Free the people. [BLEEP!]

M How’s it going Rant Line™? Hey I am pissed off at hippies. FUCKING HIPPIES. The people who seem so godamn POSITIVE and try to put that positive energy out, but end up wasting your entire afternoon bitching about problems that no SANE person would consider to be a problem in the first place. I’m cool with people being able to do whatever they want, but could you please not try to give me SCALP MASSAGES when I am working. I don’t want to have to hear you bitch about the Euro and how it is representative of how MEAT is taking over the world, you PAGAN FUCK. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. I had a novel experience‑a kind of EPIPHANY–which I gathered from having seen about 50 cameras monitoring my particular comings and goings, from shopping to walking down the street, to people with their cell phone cameras.I came up with something called CAMERA RAPE. This is an effect on the subconscious mind of the participant who is being monitored, which means that the person is having a defensive mechanism like an AMOEBA being probed by a pair of TWEEZERS. Right? So what’s going to happen in the future is that human beings are going to develop telepathic capacities in order to conceal that sacred part where those tweezers cannot pierce. It is camera rape and I completely abhor it because it is an insult and an affront to my rights as a human being. So I am just putting my two cents in on that account. See you later, alligator. [BLEEP!]

M I was at Eurofest today, on Prince Arthur. I brought my daughter with me and she had her SCOOTER. And because of the brick streets she tripped and fell. It was right in front Vol du Nuit, and a group of guys on a terrasse, including one main guy in a JEAN BUCKET HAT. And they all thought it was pretty funny. Now admittedly, I’ve sat on Prince Arthur and watched grown women trip in HIGH HEELS, but laughing at a little girl who fell on a scooter, because you are shitfaced in the sun at four in the afternoon, is absolutely pathetic. I want you to understand, my friend, I will remember your face. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Rant Line™. Sorry if I sound like I’m CRYING, but I am. I just want to say to all the bastards in this city, that if you see a person wipe out on their bike, and you see that person is hurt and that all her groceries are all over the street, maybe come over and help instead of letting her sit there with a GASHED LEG bleeding while cars run over her fucking dinner. And if you’re driving and see a person lying on the bike path with bags splayed out across the road, maybe don’t fucking honk at them and run over their food! I was having such a great day and now I just never want to go out again. Goodbye! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

THIS WEEK: Cops in black muscle cars, fruit flies, suicide! PLUS: Beards no longer attractive to women, claims woman!!

 “edited” by AL SOUTH

F To the loser throwing around pejorative terms at the HIPSTERS and HASIDS in Mile End. Fair enough, say what you will about the hipsters, that’s a fashion choice, and who knows if it will stick around. But as for the Hasids, dude, seriously, if you don’t like it, move the fuck out of the neighbourhood. One of the reasons that Mile End is so awesome is because the people who have been coexisting her peacefully for generations don’t go around marginalizing one another based on narrow-minded views of one another’s religious beliefs. How about you go back to wherever it is you are from that gave you such a NASTY MOUTH that you thought you could run around FLAPPING at communities you know clearly nothing about. Save us all the trouble of your ignorance, because it doesn’t represent Mile End whatsoever, or the 21st century. On a happier note, how cool is it that as a sign of the acceptance of diversity in this city, one of the most desirable women happens to be TRANS. Awesome 2014! Julie Paquet, fuck yeah! [BLEEP!]

F Beards—your time is over. I’m talking to you, little skinny boys with full bushy beards. It doesn’t make you look macho or OUTDOORSY. Growing some muscles would do that. And I’m talking to you, balding men who think growing stubbly hair on your face makes up for the no hair on your head that you hide under a hat. Why not show us your back hair too? That would be just as sexy. Attention all men: no more beard farming, no more creative facial hair, everyone please stand closer to their razors! Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M I was walking up St. Laurent today and passed a new MISSION for homeless men in Mile End. They were all standing outside it smoking and squinting in the sun, dressed in clothes they got from the Salvation Army or Village des Valeurs. Poor men, I thought, the economy really has taken a downturn. And then I realized it wasn’t a new homeless shelter they were standing in front of, it was UBISOFT. Jesus guys—pull yourselves away from your computer screens and take a look in a mirror. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, Rant Line™. I just want to call to your attention that in the Metro at La Cite there is a notice up from the Office de la Langue francais which, from what I can make out, is certifying their excellent job upholding the charter of the French language, which I guess is a thing. You’ve got to wonder about what would make them decide that’s something to be so proud of that they need to put it up on display at the front of the store. Meanwhile, they can’t seem to do anything about the FRUIT FLIES that infest the entire produce section. Good to see priorities in the right place! Thank you for listening. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hi this is about those annoying lights on the COP CARS. They aren’t just in Montreal, because I was practically blinded by them to the point of swerving off the road a few weeks back on the Ontario stretch of the 401. But have you seen these BLACK MUSCLE CARS some of the cops here are driving now? And they have POLICE written on them also in black, so you can barely see it? I guess it’s supposed to be intimidating or BATMANY, but I certainly wouldn’t pull over if some guy in a midnight black muscle car came up behind me, flashing lights or no. I guess police have given up on the image of being friendly and helpful, and have decided they’ll just try to scare everyone into line? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, that was BILL HICKS who said “If you’re in advertising, kill yourself,” and I know exactly how you feel. I did it for about six years and then went back to school because I used to cry myself to sleep over the evil bullshit and pieces of shit that make up the industry. It’s so rotten, rotten, rotten, and Mad Men is just steering a bunch of fantasists into the business, just in case there weren’t enough misogynistic self-serving scumbags in it, right? Anyway, don’t kill yourself. Walk out and do something else. If you hate it that much, you’re already better than 99 per cent of the people in advertising. Hope this gives you some encouragement. [BLEEP!]

M Suicide isn’t funny, no matter why you do it. So just—if it’s really on your mind—you need to just stop everything and get some help from a professional or even a friend. Life isn’t always fun or happy, but it’s better than no life at all. There are people who love you, even if you don’t know it, or don’t believe it, or even haven’t even met them yet. I’d be happy to meet you for a coffee if you ever need someone to talk to. Let us know you’re all right, okay? [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™, bad fucking news! No sooner had I called you guys to tell you about my neighbour and her BIG OILY TITS than, wouldn’t you fucking know it, she moves away! God, this is a sad day for me. I used to be able to set my clock by that nightly show. By my estimation, the chances the apartment gets rented by another hot blonde with a need to oil her tits and no need for CURTAINS is precisely zero. Life really does just get worse and worse. [BLEEP!]

F I dunno. It looks like SUMMER, but everything seems too quiet. Is Montreal all grown up now, or something, or has the party moved? Let’s get the party started, all right? Yeah! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

THIS WEEK: Hipsters, Hasids, flashing cop lights! PLUS: Working poor advised to marry rich!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Yep, hi. If you look at the time, you can see it’s pretty late at night. I was sitting here watching Game of Thrones on my Galaxy tab, and I see something flashing on my wall, like a strobe light. FLASH, FLASH, FLASH. I was like, what the fuck is that, because I’m up on the 10th floor. I thought maybe it was a SPY DRONE. But when I went and opened the curtains to look, instead I see a police car with its lights flashing. Not the old kind of lights, but these ultra-bright halogen flashing lights that were fucking blinding to look at even from 10 floors up and about two blocks away. Are these new? Because they’re pretty fucking obnoxious. Montreal police: even our cars are assholes. How’s that for a new slogan? [BLEEP!]

M Between the HIPSTERS who think they’re God’s gift to the world, and walk around like they own the place, and the HASIDS who think they’re God’s gift to the world and walk around like they own the place, the Mile End area has become unbearable. Although at least the Hasids aren’t wearing gay fucking running shoes and skinny jeans and ridiculous sunglasses. Seriously. What a lousy area to try to shop in. [BLEEP!]

M Sometimes I see things I like better than the things I’m supposed to be liking. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I wanted to pass on some advice to the guy who talked about being DEMORALIZED by his JOB. The more I talk to people, the clearer it is that nobody is happy with their jobs, and most of the people doing the hiring are disgusting. What I do is I PRETEND. I go to work and I smile a lot, and I tell everyone that I’m great and that work is great and how nice everyone is. I do my job just enough without really working too hard, but talk about how great it is to be working there—which it isn’t. But my employers think I’m HAPPY, and so they like me and never second-guess me when I call in sick or have to leave early. And all the while I’m thinking to myself that they’re complete pieces of shit, and the first chance I get I will screw them over like there’s no tomorrow. So that’s what you need to do. LIE. It won’t make you like your job more, but it’ll make the bastards you work for happy enough not to notice that you’re not really working. Good luck! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I don’t know how to tell that WORKER’S BLUES MAN this, but all jobs are shit. Needing money to have fun is not anything new. So unless you can MARRY RICH or inherit a lot of money, then you’re fucked. On the plus side, so is everyone else. It’s just that you seem to want to be a little whiny bitch about it. [BLEEP!]

F To the guy saying there is a lot in this city but you need a lot of money to do them—the best things in life are free! You have beautiful parks, there’s the ORATORY, the Old Port, St. Denis, St. Lawrence, you have lots of festivals that give you free shit, interesting newspapers, beautiful nature walks. It’s all free. It’s just a matter of not finding things boring. Maybe you are boring? [BLEEP!]

F Who was it that said “If you’re in ADVERTISING, kill yourself”? Because I am, and I think I might. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I don’t want to get involved, really, with anyone else’s problem with NAKED NEIGHBOURS leaving their blinds up. But I very much do want to say thank you to the FIT SWEETIE across from me, because almost every night she comes strolling into her bedroom, drops her towel, and then spends about 10 minutes OILING her tits. Well, maybe it’s not 10 minutes, but it’s definitely long enough for me to get what I need out of it. So thank you. And maybe that woman complaining about the other guy could try to take advantage of seeing some free cock. One day we all get cut off. May as well look while you can. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, a FABRIC ALLERGY? Really? Good excuse. It seems a lot more likely that he’d have a fabric allergy than just be the sort of person who gets off on the idea of everyone seeing his dick? God, you’re stupid. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this isn’t really so much of a rant so much as a thought I had about all the LOST STUFF that people never see again. And how I wonder what happens next to it. Like, I lost a HAT today and went back to look for it, but it was just gone, and I wondered if it got picked up, or thrown out, or what happened to it. It’s a bit SAD to think someone might suddenly be loving something that someone else is sad to have lost. I had that had for years. It was my dad’s. Shit. I hope someone else picked it up and takes care of it. It was always a bit too big for me, Anyway, it’s sad. I’m a bit fucked up right now. Not because of the hat, or anything. Just because it’s Saturday. Anyway, if you found a hat, sort of floppy-brimmed brown hat, let me know. Sometimes people put things they find on parking meters so the person who lost it might see it if they come back that way. That didn’t happen with my hat. I’m rambling. Sorry. Bye [BLEEP!]

M I’m sorry for sort of talking low, but I’m sitting on a TOILET in a restaurant men’s room having a dump. And that sets the scene for you. But to my right, that’s where someone wrote I LOVE ROCK SOLID COCK on the wall. And this isn’t even a shitty restaurant, either. It’s fancy. Not fancy-fancy, but fancy for an Italian bistro type place. Not cheap. So I’m now wondering, did some guy, while taking a shit like I am still trying to do think, “I must tell someone I love cock or I’ll explode.” And then he wrote it down like it was that lame secrets web site and suddenly he felt LIBERATED? I just don’t get it. Okay… I need both hands now. Gotta go. Bye. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

THIS WEEK: Elections, erections, Japanese school boys! PLUS: Karaoke DJ battle heats up!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

 

M People are still arguing about the Expos in this city? When I moved here, they warned me Montrealers were kings of holding a GRUDGE, but seriously. Baseball? Like, does anyone under 50 who isn’t an American or a JAPANESE SCHOOL BOY even give a shit about baseball anymore? Please don’t answer. I do not want to know. [BLEEP!]

 

M Hey guys, I’m the one who pointed out that hypocrisy—or maybe just utter stupidity—of people who wear Expos shirts and hats and stuff. Anyway, thanks to Angry Asshole Number One for calling in to rebut my arguments by making no sense whatsoever, and instead just saying that I must be longing for ANAL SEX. Yes. Good job being a complete homophobe, sports fan. Likely you are not one of the young guys who wears Expos gear, but one of the late-middle-aged sad-sacks who dream of the days when you could still get an ERECTION and you weren’t a just pot-bellied slob with no baseball team to make your pointless life feel worthwhile. Anyway, if you don’t understand how paying the MLB for a shirt representing a club that the MLB destroyed is a bit stupid, then it’s because you’re a lot stupid. [BLEEP!]

 

M I’ve got a rant to leave.  I find it unfair that some of these LAPTOP KARAOKE DJs can go around to 20 different bars in one night and sell their show for so cheap. It screws it for the rest of us. Like this Schwing guy. It is not fair to the rest of the people out there who actually paid for their karaoke songs, while these guys download stuff. Not cool. [BLEEP!]

 

F About karaoke. I don’t get it. Why would I want to hear other people sing, when most of them sing BAD? And the food is crap, and the booze that you have to buy—to sit there and listen to THEM? At least now I know why we have to pay exorbitant prices to listen to professional singers. [BLEEP!]

 

F How do I seriously just hear for the first time and then immediately fall in love with Death Vessel like, literally, in the middle of their Montreal show? Fuck my life. [BLEEP!]

 

F Hey this is to give a shoutout to crew from Sauvons le Plateau. They’re trying to shut down Les Bobards for noise complaints. Shutting down all the music of a place that has been a Montreal institution for musicians for 20 plus years. I am tired of all this gentrification bullshit. We’re not going to BULLDOZE down St-Laurent Boulevard to build condos. Thank you. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

 

M Greetings Rant Line™. On the eve of this next ELECTION, I just had a few musings. You know what, I am an Anglophone living in Quebec all my life and I really liked the PQ a lot better when they were in third place and their leader was a GAY COKEHEAD. Now, they are beginning to make me feel very anxious and uncomfortable. Well you know what I have to say? Pauline, go fuck yourself, you fucking bitch. Go fuck yourself. That is all I have to say today. When I have more, I will share it with you Rant Line™. Cheers. [BLEEP!]

 

M [same guy, a few days later] Greetings Rant Line. Salut Pauline… [deep sigh]. [BLEEP!]

 

M Why does it seem like every year, I’ve got to work late into the night drawing up VENN DIAGRAMS of worse and worse political candidates in order to figure out who to vote for in yet another election? I’m so done with it all. Last time, you hear me? After this, I don’t want to know who’s running, and I don’t want to know who wins. Because either way, it isn’t us. [BLEEP!]

 

M Okay, so  listen up, VIRGIN EYES. Ease up on the hate. Guy wants to walk naked in his apartment, let him. There are plenty—and I mean plenty— of women who strut naked around their apartments, so don’t go man-bashing. And there are a lot of women who strut around all summer with their TITS AND BITS out, but I don’t see any dudes wearing shorter and shorter pants so the tips of their DICKS stick out. Maybe he has a FABRIC ALLERGY. Maybe he doesn’t know anyone can see. But don’t jump straight to hating on every man alive. Bad business. Thanks. I knew I could get that out. [BLEEP!]

 

F About the GIANT in the apartment who is also walking around nude and the lady can seem him. There’s a lot of men, I don’t know what they think when they look in the mirror. Bald, glasses false teeth, fat. And they want Mrs. America? Hello? [BLEEP!]

 

M I’m not even sure where to fucking begin. I moved to this city two months ago from Sherbrooke. I fucking love it and I hate it. There is so much fucking shit going on but you need to have money to do that shit. And the only way to get your fucking money is you have to get a fucking stupid job that makes you feel like an ANSWERING MACHINE, and I got fired from that motherfucker. It’s a mixed blessing because now I am fucking broke, jobless and fucking overqualified, man. So much good shit going on but how the fuck can you enjoy it if there’s no fucking time to do it? Because at the end of the day you come back from a fucking job that rips out your SOUL and all your desires and wants and needs, so that you just feel like a fucking machine. You might as well be living in Toronto. [BLEEP!]

 

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

THIS WEEK: Expos clothes, karaoke, Cheap Thrills, the porno section!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M If I want to wear an Expos cap or an Expos jacket I am bloody well going to! I don’t give a fuck if you think there is ZERO COOL or HIP about wearing Expos clothes. Your little monkey ass probably wasn’t alive when there was still a baseball team! So listen you little hip cool kid—you think you are a baseball expert? If I want to wear the shit I am going to wear the shit! And you are the complete loser and I think you have a little problem with your desire for an ass-fucking! You fucking hit it out of the park? You didn’t even hit the ball, you little punk. Fucking yuppie. [BLEEP!]

M I think if you’re singing KARAOKE, live band or no, your glory isn’t being undermined by a guy sitting on the stage while you sing. It’s being undermined by your lame gayness. Just my two cents. [BLEEP!]

F This is to say that the Montreal police are racist and assholes. So last night after seeing a show I am sitting in my friend’s car after in front of my apartment, and he happens to be MALE and BLACK. And we are talking in the car before saying good night. We’re not smoking any DOPE or anything, we’re just chilling in the car. And these cops pull up and roll down their window and flash a huge fucking FLASHLIGHT right in his face and ask him how he’s doing, and he says he’s fine, and then they drive off. Five minutes later another cop car pulls up, they tell him to get out of the car, saying there has been a robbery in the neighbourhood. They start asking him questions about the robbery, trying to make it look like they are not racially profiling. The problem is my friend, and my other black male friends of mine, tell me that this type of shit happens to them all the time. They get pulled over and stopped for bullshit and asked for ID and the cops make up lies to SPY on them. It’s like some kind of apartheid bullshit or something. I am WHITE and FEMALE so I don’t know what it’s like for you guys, but I can’t believe what you have to put up with. Racist Montreal police, leave black people alone. [BLEEP!]

F Going to rent a movie was a nightmare. It’d take so long to finally decide on a movie that you never felt like watching it by the time you got home. Then you’d keep the movie for like two weeks and then have to pay, like, a whole DVD’s worth of money in late fees when you finally went back to return it and rent another movie. If you say you miss going to rent movies, you don’t miss that. What you’re missing is the lie you tell yourself. About how awesome it was. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the DVD rental lamenter. I understand where you are coming from. But if going to the video store once a week for five minutes was your feeling-like-part-of-your-community moment, I strongly suggest this thing to you called CHURCH. Whatever your denomination, services are offered pretty much daily, and people go. Even if you don’t believe in god, you can see some friendly people and feel like you belong to something. As for the video store, other than the shifty routine of avoiding eye contact in the PORNO SECTION, I never really felt I was part of anything. [BLEEP!]

M I really like Jesus. [BLEEP!]

M What’s up? I was walking in the cold today with my head down and my face all squinted and grimacing and my eyes watering, and I looked up at some point, and what the fuck do you think I see? CHEAP THRILLS. Cheap. Motherfucking, Thrills. The used records and books store. Is that place still goddam open? I haven’t been there in so long I forgot it even existed, until I seen it there looking like when I last went. It does my heart good if that place is still open. [BLEEP!]

F There’s something pointless going on in that area around Place-des-Arts again, and it’s gotten so that even the people working at these things realize it’s too much now.  Seriously, Montreal, when you’re pulling FESTIVALS out of your ass just to have a reason to put up UGLY LIGHTS and sell BAD BEER, it’s time to rethink your identity. Thanks for hearing me out. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, this is to my soul-mate, the sexy/crazy darling who wishes she can surgically remove people’s ignorance and greed. My beautiful sexy, there is good news and that is that you can! All you need is a SCALPEL or other fine, sharp tool, and you can surgically remove so many things from these pigs. We need people like you. Stalk me on the cobble-stoned streets of London and CASTRATE my loving corpse. [BLEEP!]

F There’s seriously a GIANT in the apartment across the alley from me and he’s always walking around with his hairy ass and dick out, and it makes me throw up to the point I won’t even open the curtains on that side of my apartment anymore. Why are guys so VULGAR? [BLEEP!]

M Yes Rant Line™, hello. I would like to know your Pinterest page please so I can pin up some pictorial Montreal hates of mine for your publication of them. [BLEEP!]

F The energy has no strings to tie it. You face the energy and it runs wild with your thoughts. It speeds to the end of the universe, a GREEN FIELD OF GAS where there are things you could never imagine awaiting your presence with a TALL DRINK and the answers to why you had to die. But the answer is always that you didn’t, and you’re sent back but quickly forget. Stay with me for these voyages. Stay with me for these journeys. We have not given ourselves—over and over and in every way—only to be turned back with nothing. Even emptiness needs a vessel to contain it. And that vessel is beautiful. Come. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

THIS WEEK: Karoake etiquette, winter frosh, Expos shit! PLUS: Justin Bieber advised to kill himself somehow!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M I can’t take this anymore. Every time I turn on the TV I see this little asshole Justin Bieber. He’s throwing EGGS at his neighbours. He’s pissing in restaurant BUCKETS. He’s racing, he’s speeding, he’s getting caught doing all kinds of crap. Can’t this guy just OD on something? Heroin? Can’t he do something that kills him! Hopefully he’ll join the 27 List, all the famous people who died at age 27. But that means I gotta wait seven more years! And United States, please do not deport him back to Canada. I don’t want to see him here! Keep him! We don’t want him! He’s ugly, his music stinks, he’s crappy. I am going to go crazy if I see him again. Save me. Save me from Justin Bieber. Please! [BLEEP!]

 

M This Justin Bieber dick, is he for real? Or is this another Miley Cyrus thing, where he wants to get rid of his clean-cut, teeny-bopper image and be all serious gangsta? I think there’s some sort of image consultant in LA who tells these young Disney stars, like, “You can’t make money off the goody-two-shoes child star thing any more. Time to make sure people know that you get DRUNK and HIGH and like to FUCK all the time so that the 20-somethings will dig you.” It would not surprise me if such a PR management firm offered such advice, and then these assholes bought into it. Whatever. Someone should set these idiots on FIRE. [BLEEP!]

 

F One of the best things we have in this town is called UROCKAOKE, where you get to sing karaoke with a live band. So that happened tonight and it is amazing! The musicians are so talented, they make you feel like a ROCK STAR. But you have to remember that there is karaoke ETIQUETTE. If you go to Urockaoke and are allowed to feel like a rock star, you don’t sit on the front of the stage the whole night acting like you are part of somebody else’s show! You let that person have their own GLORY. That is part of the courtesy. You don’t fucking stay onstage after your song and say I am going to sing the next song and then shamelessly, because you sucked, get sort of SHY and then leave, because you realize it is the next person’s song! There are a few things that karaoke people need to realize! But all I know is that Urockaoke is the shit. [BLEEP!]

 

M Hahaha! Bell is in trouble again for SPYING on its clients by TRACKING EVERYTHING they do on-line, what they watch on TV and even where they go and who they phone. I hope they get fined out of existence. [BLEEP!]

 

M Hello. I swear I saw Homer Simpson driving a bus today. A Montreal public bus. Homer Simpson. Oh my god. What is happening? [BLEEP!]

 

M Yeah, is there some sort of WINTER FROSH happening? Used to be I’d see the drunk failures of tomorrow only puking in the streets and flashing their titties in the late summer, but now I’m seeing them in the dead of winter, too. I prefer the summer froshers, but that’s only because I’m a window-sitting chronic masturbator, and loose, sweaty titties work better for me that PARKA-BUNDELED, frozen solid ones. But when did this Winter Frosh thing become a thing, and maybe it can be stopped? Without the teen-flesh on parade, it’s really just a gathering of IMBECILES. [BLEEP!]

 

F Hey, hi. I was just in Toronto, and I’m sorry, but what the fuck is it with Montreal? We’re so much better then they are, and they have the very fat crack-smoking mayor running their town, and yet somehow we’re the ones with COLLAPSING BRIDGES and CRUMBLING STREETS? Like, seriously, is it because Quebec just wants the Anglos to leave, so they’re letting the island of Montreal fall apart so we all either get killed or run away? Because there is no way Toronto should come off as having it more together than we do, but, I’m sorry, that’s exactly what it seems like. [BLEEP!]

 

M It’s maybe time to take off the EXPOS SHIT—the Expos caps and stupid Expos jackets—and move the fuck on with your lives. There is absolutely ZERO cool or hip about wearing Expos clothes and hats. It’s just sad. And I do not mean sad as in depressing because the Expos are gone. I mean sad as in you’re really just pathetic. I think the MLB has made more money off of Expos shit since the team got run out of town than they ever did while it was here. And you know what’s even more ironic is that the MLB is in part responsible for them leaving. So every time you buy something with an Expos logo on it, you’re not only saying, “I’m a complete loser,” you’re also saying “Thanks for the ass-fucking, master. Please punish my ass some more.” How’s that for hitting one out of the park? [BLEEP!]

 

F You know what I miss? It’s going to sound stupid, but I miss DVD RENTALS. I know, I know, you can download everything in about five minutes and you can BUY DVDs for about five bucks now, but I miss the ceremony. Going to the place, walking around, talking about what might be good, maybe buying some popcorn of chocolate, or TWIZZLERS, checking out the used discs for sale. All that. It’s like everything just shoves us all further and further apart, so we sit alone in our houses, never seeing the people or things going on around us. That’s the problem with NetFlix and whatever. It’s a lonely way to get your movies. Just wanted to share all that with you. You’re welcome for it. [BLEEP!]

 

F I wish I could give the world, especially the western world, the gift of surgically removing their deeply embedded ignorance. Materialism, Wall Street scandals, environmental destruction, wipespread nepotism, bigotry and misogyny. Sorry to be a buzzkill. Just kidding. The only thing I am sorry for is indirectly contributing to the irreparable state of affairs. I suppose no one can proactively work to heal the state of the world until the POLAR ICE CAPS melt, as scientifically predicted, and we are living out the day after tomorrow. It is certainly time to celebrate one of the last years we might ever experience. This is the real countdown. This is our scared fear of change. This is and always has been our reality. Get educated. Love, Elizabeth. [BLEEP!]

 

M I also miss the Unicorn Lady. [BLEEP!]

 

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

THIS WEEK: Haitian guitar, drunk GZA, booty shorts, the busker’s cat!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Yo Arcade Fire. Your first album dropped in 2004. I mentioned your name recently, to a local bartender. He’s been working in bars all his life and he still hasn’t heard of you. So nine years later and regular JOE BLOW on the street still hasn’t heard of Arcade Fire—I think you’re doing something wrong! Nine years in Montreal, you should be a household name. And that track “Reflektor”— it’s crap! It’s got Haitian guitar, it’s got FRENCH in it—the chick is singing in French!—and the song is disco. Come on. I expect more from you guys than this. This is bollocks, total bollocks. Disco sucks, don’t forget that. [BLEEP!]

M Went to the Wu Tang Clan show last night. Organizers, note this. Coat check in winter—fuck you! Security walkthrough—fuck you! Once again, not the whole Clan was there. Missing RZA, Method, Masta Killa. Respect to the guys who made it. GZA seemed pretty fucking DRUNK. It was good to see Inspectah Deck, that was nice, that he finally made it up. But once again organizers, look on YouTube, check out the Ottawa Blues Festival and the Quebec Festival, Plains of Abraham. Motherfuckers were all there, it’s all outside and there wasn’t no fucking airport security check, that was the stupidest shit. Any which old ways, Wu Tang Clan still ain’t nothing to fuck with. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m that guy busking in front at Jean Talon market with his CAT. And I noticed URBAN OUTFITTER put me on INSTACRAP. Apparently it made a buzz. I’m glad for you, Chinese exploiter’s fashion joke, for the publicity, but when am I getting PAID? [BLEEP!]

F Does anybody at all know anybody who got a job through LinkedIn? If so, please let us all know, because I have zero hope right now. [BLEEP!]

M Buenos dias. I just wanted to let you know about something I’ve noticed recently. How come downtown, in the magazine shops, all along Ste-Catherine street, the guys who work there have the best taste in music ever? Every time I’m in a magazine shop browsing around, usually looking at SOCCER or music magazines, they’re playing the best music I’ve heard in my life, or things I have never even heard before. For example, last night I was in the magazine shop on Stanley and Ste-Catherine, the guy was playing “Train Kept a Rollin’” by this band from Spain, or Mexico. It was in Spanish, the guy was singing in Spanish. It was incredible. The drums were so, ummm, ABRASIVE and dirty. What a great sound, man. Then they played “Love Me Two Times,” in Spanish. Unfrigging believable, I loved it. These guys, these CLERKS, have the best taste. Cheers guys! [BLEEP!]

F Help me, my boyfriend is SNUGGLING me too hard! [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I went shopping today to make a SANDWICH and I paid $20 for a loaf of bread, mustard, mayonnaise, a head of lettuce, some cheese and some ham. I was so overwhelmed by the EXORBITANT COST that I needed to go get a DRINK just to get over the shock. And what do you know, it’s a KING’S RANSOM just to have something that makes you feel good after all this. I just wonder when all these monopolies will be dismantled and we’ll have free enterprise where we can get cheap booze, to keep us warm through the winter. Let’s not forget that the Russians invented vodka for a very good reason. So anyway, this is my lament. How the robber barons are thieving us dry. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]

F Where can I get a Christmas tree big enough to HANG myself on? [BLEEP!]

M This is to the dude asking about the dude who got dropped on by a BRICK WALL. He worked at the dep on Prince-Arthur and Jeanne-Mance. Good guy, but maybe a bit touched. Jimmy. Anyway, the people who own the place say he’s back home and still recovering, but they aren’t really ones for speaking any language I know, so communicating with them isn’t all that easy to do. If anyone speaks a bit of Asian and wants to swing by there for more info and pass it on over here, that’d be great. It’s a good question, though. Why don’t the news people follow up on what happens next. Like, AFTER the bricks get cleared off a guy. Guess they assume nobody gives much of a crap. But we do. [BLEEP!]

M Yessir, I wanted to talk to you a minute about Craigslist. Why is there nothing on it anymore? Everything is on Kijiji and Craigslist ain’t got nothing. I like Craigslist better, though, because it’s straight up. Kijiji looks like a drink with an UMBRELLA in it, you know? All decorated, but it’s sort of gay shit. Craigslist is, like—whomp—here’s what I got. Used to be you could get a hooker there, too. World always changes for the worse. [BLEEP!]

F I don’t get it. Are the French drug dealers the good guys in that story? And how many black guys were there trying to rob the four of you? Did they want your drugs? And why would I go buy drugs there if it isn’t safe? Also, you’re saying you happened to be walking by and then happened to see your boyfriend? Where was he going? Something doesn’t add up. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I can leave a fucking DIGITAL RANT? Fuck that, all this digital shit! I’m having a bitch of a time with this stupid fucking computer update. How do all these fucking people know how to update all this shit? I should have paid more attention in computer class or fucking met up and got married to some fucking beautiful hot computer geek girl. Fuck, instead I got to whip my ass to get all this shit into shape. All these stupid fucking updates and installs and accesses and then these fucking apps! Man, fuck this shit is tiring!! I fucking hope it all gets blown to hell and everyone gets fucked up because of it. Fuck this shit. Fuck. [BLEEP!]

M So long, booty shorts. Hello, shitty fucking winter. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

THIS WEEK: Ambiguous parking signs, slumlord pricks, scagged-out wretches!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

ON THE STREETS IN CultMTL!

M Greetings Rant Line™. I am as big a fan of Arcade Fire as anybody. I’m proud of what they have achieved in their short existence. It’s CIVIC PRIDE—I’m from here, they started out from here. And I want to see them get airplay, of course. But CHOM FM is called Montreal’s home of rock ‘n’ roll. The new Arcade Fire track “Reflektor,” that’s not rock ‘n’ roll by any shot! That’s PURE DISCO. I actually enjoy the tune, but CHOM playing it? Hypocrisy! Come on CHOM, I expect more. Put some more Bon Scott, eh. Some Led Zepplin, some Floyd, some Rush. Put some Arcade Fire even. But don’t put the new song and call it Montreal’s home of rock. Pure disco. It’s in the same league as U2 doing “Discotheque.” Same thing, different band. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

F Is it just me or does it really look like these election posters for Project Montreal basically all show someone who either looks like they work in a truck-stop diner or are some sort of CARNIVAL HYPNOTIST? Take a closer look when you see one and tell me what you think. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I just was calling to remind everyone to get their vote out. The municipal elections—these are the big ones. Don’t ignore your CIVIC DUTY. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, remember that dude a year or so ago that crushed by that fucking WALL falling off a building on Bleury? What the fuck ever happened to that guy? I hope he got himself a HUNGRY LAWYER to rip some coin off the SLUMLORD PRICKS who let their building’s walls rot off. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I’m calling from the Banana Republic of Montreal traffic coordination, the largest legally sanctioned band of PIRATES ever puked up out of the cornucopia of the bizarre. I was exposed to this experience last week when my sister came to visit me from New York. We went to find a nice restaurant on Duluth street and we parked beside this AMBIGUOUS PARKING SIGN that was rusted beyond the point of legibility. In French, of course, which is great, but at the same time we could hardly make out what the rules were regarding our parking spot. To be on the safe side, my sister took a picture of the sign. Lo and behold, we come back 45 minutes later and there’s a $60 ticket for having parked six inches in front of the post. For me this is an aggravation, and this is why I don’t drive anymore. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F There’s this article on this site called Tribe and it’s about Montreal being a city of CON ARTISTS. And after reading it, I think it’s kind of true. I’m new, I’m not from here, I’m from California. And I did go on a date with a guy here in Montreal who asked me for MONEY. It’s like, Montreal is a city for women, except for the lack-of-jobs issue. People here in Montreal have to con there way through every day to make a buck! Especially when they can’t find the free stuff. After reading that article, I’m actually considering, do I want to be here in Montreal? Do I want to stay? Maybe I should move back to California? Or even the East Coast? I don’t know. I guess anywhere you go in the world there is going to be some issue? [BLEEP!]

M Who in his right mind is paying money to stick a dick in those scagged-out WRETCHES in the East-End? I’d be fucking terrified to catch something from just handing the person money with my bare hand. But there are guys pulling up and saying, “Yes, you’re attractive enough for me to want to put my most PRIZED BODY PART in. Let me pay you for that.” Is it merely a matter of cost? Or is it because there are things that are broken in their minds and body? I’m sure they would love to have someone who would want to fuck them for free, just so they feel like a real person again. It’s depressing to me. So sad, really. [BLEEP!]

M I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE. [BLEEP!]

M This probably won’t get published but I gotta relate to somebody here about what I see today. People PLUGGING their ears and talking to themselves on fancy machines, then going home and crying themselves to sleep. I mean, everyone I know is living alone. Alone, alone. And pretending like they don’t need anyone. I’m thinking of building a whole new city, a whole new community. Like a KIBBUTZ, perhaps. Where all these people who are crying themselves to sleep, myself included, can do something intra-communal rather than—holy fuck—alienation. I don’t know. Maybe I should go back to school and end up owing $50000? Who knows what the solution is. I don’t care if this is published. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Ok now, so I was at Snowdon metro station the other day. Just sort of chilling, I’d been to some Indian restaurant. So I’m walking and I see my boyfriend and we start chilling at the metro, it’s around 9:30 at night. And we see these TWO FRENCH GUYS and they come up to us and they’re like, “Hey you want to buy some drugs?” And we’re like, “Yea for sure we’ll buy some drugs!” And we’re making our little DEALIE thing and then these BLACK GUYS come beside us, and they’re just staring at us. For like five minutes they’re just staring at us. And we’re like, what the fuck’s going on? They come up to us and like, “Hey, do you have drugs?” and we’re like, “Yea for sure” and, you know, they seemed pretty SKETCH, man. And so while we were trying to make a deal with these kids, well, yeah they tried to rob us. So this is what Montreal is turning out to be like? But it’s cool. And anyway if you need drugs, Snowdon metro seems to be the HOOKUP. All right I’ll call back another time. Take it easy. Peace. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

 

THIS WEEK: Hair clippings, half-smoked joints, hands in pants!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F My God. I just walked down St Laurent and it’s like a giant, radioactive monster ate three FRIPPERIES and a bag of HAIR CLIPPINGS and shit hipsters all over the place. Just stop. Please. You’re embarrassing yourselves. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t know why Arcade Fire was so worried about having people who look good in their video. Every time I meet an Arcade Fire fan they’re overweight, or UNDERCLEAN. Open the doors to the people. If people aren’t beautiful enough to be shown enjoying your music, maybe your snobby shit isn’t beautiful enough to be music. Beautiful music doesn’t need MODELS to make it sound good. [BLEEP!]

M You know something? Fucking Toronto stole our Film Fest, and they stole our economy, and they didn’t steal our baseball team, but they at least still have one. And I think their hockey team is better than ours, or at least are shitty on a higher level, but fuck them. And you know why? Because they can’t fucking touch our music scene! When it’s music, we’re right there doing it right, you know. Pop Montreal or whatever. Makes me proud and makes me hate Toronto even harder. Am I right? I send my hate on a boat down the 401, bitch! [BLEEP!]

F [partially translated from the French by the Rant Line Translation Unit™]. Bonsoir, I went to Pop Montréal au Club Lambi pour voir un SUPER BON SHOW de Odonis Odonis notamment. And they charged me $6 a beer! J’étais un p’tit peu desolée. I talked to the proprietaire and asked for an explanation. He said it was le prix du marché. But then when I went au toillete they didn’t have PAPIER or SAVON DU MAIN. I would just like to say that Club Lambi should not be on the circuit de Pop Montréal! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, so like every time I step out of my door there is a half-smoked joint and a PUFF of smoke of weed there. I’m ALLERGIC to that shit. I know you don’t care about that shit because you all smoke weed everywhere you go but… fuck. [BLEEP!]

M I got a rant for all the hardcore GYM DINKS. I’m not talking about people who just go to the gym—I go to the gym. And I’m not talking bout the jocks, either. I mean you can be a jock and never go to the gym—I’ve seen some pretty fat out-of-shape jocks in my life. I’m talking about the dorky dudes who try to get buff because they think MEAN + BUFF = A VAGINA. They can’t get laid and they think this is what girls want—a big hulking guy. But you know, you can’t work out UGLY, and you definitely can’t work out CHARMLESS. You can be ugly and have charm, you can be fat and get laid all the time. But you can’t be a charmless loser and get anywhere. The other thing about these people is they all have the same attitude. “You want to fuck with me??” Actually, anybody could fuck with you! Just because you have MUSCLES doesn’t mean you know how to use them. All you did was build them! Anybody could still take a dink like you down, probably with a CLOTHESLINE. I am just saying—stop juicing, stop pumping, start smiling. Say hi to somebody once in a while instead of working yourself into a big BALLOON MAN who nobody is going to be afraid of anyway, much less want to fuck. I don’t own a vagina, but I’ve been around enough of them to know this is good advice. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, does anyone know what the actual LAW is on putting SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS in your apartment building hallways? I mean, pointed right on your doors? Because some just went up in mine, and I’m pretty creeped about the slimy weirdo security guy sitting there with his hand in his PANTS waiting to stare down my TOP as I go in and out of my apartment. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™. I don’t know if you can even answer this. Or even if you answer things, or just put in the questions. But do you know if that Unicorn Lady is okay? She used to call and talk about glittering things and psychic stuff—I can’t recall exactly what right now—but I haven’t seen her calling lately and she sometimes sounded a little maybe CLOSE TO THE EDGE. I know it’s weird to worry about her, but I guess I just am wondering. Anyway, if you know, I’d like to hear. [BLEEP!]

M Howdy folks. I am an octogenarian, a man of 82 years old, and I am getting off reading the Rant Line™. I wanted to reiterate one single observation. Over the 60 years that I have been hanging out like an OLD HIPPIE, almost dead, I cannot help but recall one of the one night stands I had oh so many years ago, when I was nothing but a YOUNG PUPPY. This one night stand occurred when I was living next door to a FAT MAN who was crying because he was listening to me banging my chick. And he wept so hard and for so long that I felt I should go hang myself out of guilt because I couldn’t help him get laid. So I went across the street and started tying the rope. Comes along a little young hussy and she asks me what I am doing killing myself. I said I feel guilty about that fat man weeping because he ain’t getting laid. She said, get off your TREE, take that NOOSE off your neck and let’s go fuck! So we went to a construction site where the rocks were very sharp. It lasted quite a while and it was very, very, very entertaining. So I keep seeing all these reoccurrences going on here—must be like the migratory birds from some prehistoric time. So thank you Montreal for your kindness in this regard. Take care. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)