THIS WEEK: Ryan Luxenberg, albino squirrel offspring! PLUS: Private school girls should dress sexier!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hey Rant Line™, this is Mike, coming at you live. I just want to talk about the U2 concert, the third concert at the Bell Center, Montreal, and this OPPORTUNISTIC LITTLE PRICK Ryan Luxenberg. My god, you really think you’re something else because you went up on stage and did “Desire” with the band? Please, man, I was there, October 1 1987 at the Big O, with 65,000 of my fellow U2 fans. You weren’t even born, ok kid? And you think you’re all smart because you played guitar with the band. Ah, you may be ok on guitar but you know what, your voice SUCKS, man. I could sing “Desire” much more better than you after a night of heavy drinking OUT ON THE TILES. You think you’re all smart now ‘cuz you’re out on YouTube, and this and that, but you know, you’re not a true U2 fan, ‘cmon. You just jumped on board. I’ve been there since 1983, man! My first album was Under a Blood Red Sky. Mini-album, ok. So don’t act all smart because you went up on stage, and your girlfriend was taking your picture, please. I’m a real U2 fan, ok cockroach? I’m out of here. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I’d like to leave a rant for whoever the BOUNCER is at at École Privée. I was behind two girls yesterday on Friday at 1.30, and this guy was at the door is, with the SCAR on his eye. And one of the girls was wearing a kind of COVERALL, with a tank top underneath. He said, “Hey, you girls should go join all my guy friends at this table in the back, they can keep you company.” And they kind of talked a little bit, and then he said, “And you in the coveralls, next time you come here, wear something SEXIER, like a dress or something, that thing looks like shit.” So I don’t know who owns that place but, fuck that guy. [BLEEP!]

F People of Montreal stop letting the depanneurs down. For a city that prides itself on the recent Comedycoup success of Dépflies, you guys sure aren’t putting your MONEY where your MOUTH is. Mile End in particular. First Matisha, then Regal, now PS. You wonder why the line at the PA causes you rage? It’s because so many people are going to a grocery store for one thing when they could go to a dep and get the exact same thing in a fraction of the time, while also supporting the families that run aid dep. No diss to PA, they’re amazing, I LOVE them, but it really grinds my gears when I see people lined up to buy a single pack of gum at rush hour. And I know I’m not alone. And you know who has it worse than me, and all the other people in the line-up with the rage? The deps going out of business and the families that run them going bankrupt. So stay deserving of the number one best neighbourhood and support your local deps. Shame. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I hate to bitch and whine, but what can I do. Here I am, going to the public gym, YMCA, and there’s a free brochure which is sponsored by a real estate company that is selling houses for $4.5 million a pop in Pierrefonds. But it’s really incongruous, it’s like standing in front of someone who’s been sleeping in front of a bank machine in winter, to keep warm, and he’s got GANGRENE on his feet and no one gives a fuck. I’m looking at the pros and cons and the differentials and saying, I hope that guy gets help, and stay away from me you FAT CAT. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Whichever ANUS BRAIN came up with the bullshit word TRANSRACIAL, you are only demonstrating further proof that ignorance is anything but bliss. This level of ignorance is not some awful random thing, ok—it’s dangerous. It serves one function only, to further contribute to an ongoing cycle of unnecessary hatred and turmoil. So if you believe transraciality is a thing, do yourself a favour: shut the fuck up and go educate yourself. You have no idea what you are perpetuating. And congratulations—you’re part of the problem. [BLEEP!]

F All you people, wondering where ALBINO SQUIRREL is in Jeanne-Mance Parc, well we still don’t know, but we’ve just seen its OFFSPRING. That’s right. It’s part albino and part not-albino. So maybe it’s not albino, technically, at all. But it’s very, very white, with a streak of brown down its nose and it’s so CUTE. It’s staring at us right now—it’s in the tree. Oh my gosh, you’re so lucky if you see this squirrel, all your dreams will come true. Leave the squirrels alone, especially the albino ones, they’re MAGICAL. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: Caitlyn Jenner, Michael Sam, Diaper Boy®! PLUS: Facebook blamed on women with small brains!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hi, I just tuned into Sheep Be Sheep radio—or is it CBC? Anyway, it’s a major bore. Really boring. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, Diaper Boy® here again. I haven’t spoken to the Rant Line™ in many, many years—I used to call when it was part of the Mirror. I have the same issue as before: no place to go for FETISH NIGHTS, no activity like that. I was wondering if there was any interest in somebody starting something like that? It would be a good thing to have for the city! Anyway, that’s my rant. [BLEEP!]

M I’m wondering why half of my friends have already committed suicide, and half of the people I know and love are suicidal. And the rest are Trust Fund Baby Munchkins waiting to be hit by the next train. My god, I shudder to think. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Cheers Rant Line™. This is about Bruce Jenner, or whatever he is calling himself this week—Caitlyn Jenner. Give me break! Come on, you’re a fake woman, you’re not a real woman! A real woman gets her PERIOD every month, suffers the pain of CHILD BIRTH. You’re a real woman at 65 years old? Come on, man, what kind of a jackass do you takes us for? And what’s between your ears, buddy boy? You have a male brain, ok. You’re a man, that’s it, that’s all. Externally, you may be a woman now, but internally, you’re still a man. You’re a fake woman, Bruce Jenner, Caitlyn, whatever. You’re a gold medal Montreal Olympics weirdo. You’re fucking weird. Point finale. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, this is regarding the Alouettes signing Michael Sam, the first openly GAY PLAYER in a Big Four sport. I see all the comparisons between Jackie Robinson and Michael Sam, with Jackie breaking the colour barrier in 1947. But still—it took 68 years for this to happen in pro sports? This is unbelievable. It shouldn’t have taken this long for a player to be accepted in the LOCKER ROOM by the rest of his team, no matter what he does in life. No matter who he sleeps with, no matter what colour he is, no matter what religion he is. It’s pathetic. Let’s hope the player who follows after Michael Sam—possibly in hockey or baseball or UFC—doesn’t take another 68 years to make himself be known. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy talking about Canada Post—I don’t know what kind of pretty mail-ladies you got, bro, but my mail-lady is a CHUBBY, mean one who kicks my door like she’s trying to break in whenever she has to deliver a package to me. Serious. I jump and think I should scramble to FLUSH MY STASH every time it happens. But, yeah, I agree on the part about too much email and that. Nicer to get a real letter than an email, anyway. It means somebody cares enough to take actual time to contact you. Hey… you want to be pen-pals? [BLEEP]

M Ok. I just want to know why nobody is talking about artificial intelligence. This is going to be the final creation. This is the scariest shit that we are doing with technology! And I don’t know why more people aren’t terrified of their SMART PHONES. Has no one seen The Terminator? Really? I know that it sounds like kind of a STUPID STONER THEORY, but that shit’s real! That shit’s going to take over the world. We’re dead, we’re fucking dead! They’re going to get smarter than us and then they are going to decide that they don’t need humans any more because they are way more efficient than us and they are going to solve all our problems that we’ve created because we are dumb-asses. Anyway, all I want to say is, take a look at your phone, really look at it, and wonder how much further it needs to develop before it takes over the whole world. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F I have a somewhat serious rant. My friend just went to the hospital this morning and he has been waiting there for almost NINE HOURS and has yet to be seen. I think that he is probably suffering complications due to the delayed medical attention. He hasn’t been seen by any doctor! And I just read online that Dr. Howard Ovens—he is the co-author of the Canadian Position Statement on emergency department overcrowding—he has said that nine hours waiting to see a doctor is really a TROUBLING FIGURE. The idea of having to be waiting in an emergency room while you are acutely ill, just waiting to see a doctor for that much time, is disturbing. [BLEEP!]

M On the matter of privacy and Facebook, an extensive study has been done—of course by marketers, not real, intelligent researchers—and it showed that Facebook is primarily used by women with SMALL BRAINS. I guess they figure their need to show pictures of their kids, and share inspirational quotes full of spelling mistakes, and post pictures themselves at the beach, and SMALL ANIMALS with gay captions, is more important than maintaining some dignity and privacy. I look so down on them all. I also think anyone who uses emojis should be EUTHANIZED. Winkie-face. Men on Facebook, by the by, are only there to jerk off to the pictures the dumb women post. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: Dangling keys, #manifencours, loud fucking! PLUS: The beautiful lesbian next door!!

 “edited” by AL SOUTH

F To the girl talking about colonialists and racists. I think ALL WHITES are colonialists an racists, because they were conditioned by their parents and whatever they heard on TV programs. And I don’t think they even realize that. [BLEEP!]

F Building a sidewalk from Peel to the Port. Like, really? Health, education, the real poor? That doesn’t matter. Get out there and MANIFEST, people. And if you have to VANDALIZE to get heard, then do it. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™! It’s great that the sun is out and that winter is going away, but it isn’t even really spring-like yet, and there are already DRUNKS screaming in the streets and destroying other people’s property in the middle of the night. And you know what? I’m sure this is just all part of the protests. I think people see it as some sort of party—they get all wound up, and then go drink and act like lunatics. Protest isn’t CHAOS, people! Let’s stay in our right minds and change the word for the better! [BLEEP!]

M What’s with all the psychos these days? [BLEEP!]

M Hello. A word please, about all the latest rounds of MANIFANKORING—or whatever it is fucking called—that is going on. I think it’s great that our young idiots have found a new way to get together and have a party that also makes them look like there’s another level of depth to them, but I also think they are mostly full of shit, don’t understand the issues they’re manifankoring over, and just want to look cool yelling anti-police slogans with the cool kids. Anyway, that was just the start of my rant, because I wanted to say that I ordered food—a pizza and some chicken—from New System restaurant, and it took 90 minutes and was COLD. When I called to complain, the manager dude blamed the manifankors for delaying the driver, which is a load of shit, because A) there was no manifankoring going on that night, and B) because it’s very easy to get to my house from New System without passing a manifankor route. Anyway, Quebec is in a shambles, and this is just more evidence of it. And don’t think this means I stand with the fucking police, either. Most of them are MMA-worshipping motherfuckers with shit between their ears. So fuck the police! But also fuck the manifankors. [BLEEP!]

F Cabaret Mile End. We miss you, we want you back. [names establishment on Fairmount], you are annoying. Your music is way too LOUD. You are going to cause the new P.A.’s windows to shatter. There is only one solution to drown you out, and that’s too FUCK way louder than you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, ok, I just saw a kind of HIPSTER DUDE walking down the street. All dressed in black, black leather jacket, black beard, black t-shirt of some sort, and of course black skinny jeans. Oh, and black sneakers. And like so many of them, he had his KEYS hanging outside his pants, on like a chain. They all have this. Chains and keys hanging out. I guess it is because the pants are so tight that nothing can fit into the pockets, so all there junk has to DANGLE outside? So I was wondering—how often do you lose that shit? It breaks, or the cloth the chain is connected to rips. Then you lose all your keys, and you are fucked. Could a hipster who does this—this dangling, jangling key thing—maybe you could tell me how often his shit gets lost? Is it really practical? And also, where did this come from? Because as far as I know, it comes from the GAY WORLD. Does it still mean this? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, about President Obama on Kimmel. I was just wondering why he’s not allowed to disclose anything about the UFOs and the ALIENS. All right, thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M This one is for the woman who wants me to KILL her while we FUCK. Would you be okay if we fuck a few times before I kill you so that I can see how we work together? Maybe I won’t want to kill you anymore, and we can get married in a nice CHURCH CEREMONY. Your dad can give you away, and I’ll say, “Sir, I cannot tell you how much I love your daughter. I couldn’t even fuck and kill her.” What do you say? Are you ready to give love a chance? [BLEEP!]

F If it makes anyone feel better, I actually think of being killed all the time. Sometimes, it’s the only thing that can get me out of bed. [BLEEP!]

M D-Dub T-DuB! [BLEEP!]

M Hey. I live in NDG, on welfare. For the past few months, in my window… my neighbor… I’ve been able to… well, she leaves her CURTAINS open, and she’s a LESBIAN. And… I mean it’s just in a DREAM… but I’ve seen you make love to your partners and I’ve seen you put lotion on yourself and get changed. And I watched you masturbate and it’s beautiful. It’s really hard for me not to look, but I feel bad for looking. It’s really hard. I just want you to know, if you see this, that people can see you. And that’s cool, you know, I’m like that too. I like it when people see me. I would love for you to see me, and know that I think you’re a lesbian and that I think you’re beautiful. Just keep on keeping on. Have a good night. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: The Thelemic Order, Aphex Twin, the $42-million fiasco! PLUS: Montreal men advised to check their fat situation!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Hey, so in the last print edition of Cult Montreal, the editor-in-chief interviewed A Tribe Called Red. That’s cool, and they deserve the exposure. But what’s not cool is misspelling and misnaming two of the member’s nations. Maybe it was a SIMPLE MISTAKE, but if you are going to pretend to give a shit about indigenous cultures, stop upholding the COLONIALIST legacy by disregarding our names, our identities and our nations. I am sick of this BS whitewashed culture that is Quebec. Realize whose land you are living on and find ways to be an active ally. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I am in my car driving home and I am listening to the radio and they say that we are celebrating 375 years of Montreal, and the mayor is thinking of providing a walkway—a pedestrian path—from Mount Royal to the Old Port. Now, this is not a good way to spend money that should be put into fixing the roads that people drive on that have huge fucking HOLES in them! This is fucking horseshit! I don’t need a pedestrian fucking walkway when I can’t even drive on the fucking streets without feeling like I am in Africa. This is bullshit. I’ve had my suspension changed on my car three times already! This doesn’t make any sense at all. Fix the fucking roads! [BLEEP!]

F Seriously? We are going to spend $42-million to build a walkway from the mountain to the river? Like there is not already enough STUPID CONSTRUCTION going on in this city? Tell you what, give me and some of my unemployed friends $1-million, just $1-million, maybe even less, and we will build a ZIP-LINE from the mountain to the river. That at least would be fun. WHEEEE. [BLEEP!]

F I don’t really have the time right now, but I am pretty sure I could think of 42 million things that would be better to spend $42-millon on that a path. God. [BLEEP!]

M Anybody who hears or reads the reviews for Aphex Twin’s Computer Controlled Acoustic Instruments pt2, hold your opinions until you hear it on VINYL. You have the choice of playing it at 33 rpm or 45. When you hear the 45 rpm being played—I am listening to it right now—you will understand where part one is, and then you will understand part two. Wow. But meanwhile, do you think Aphex Twin gives two shits about being nominated for a Grammy Award? Especially when the announcer couldn’t pronounce the name of the album properly, or say his name properly. So no wonder he didn’t come. [BLEEP!]

M Hey I am here to propose a new alternative to YOLO for the next generation. There is this ORDER called the Thelemic Order, and their slogan is “Do What Thou Wilt,” and I am hoping that you young kids will start saying D-Dub-T-Dub for short. So keep that in mind and spread the word. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is for the guy who was complaining about the girl who works in a CALL CENTER. Ok, I get it, it sucks when call centers call you. It really sucks. But you are saying how you are happy that you called the cops and got their business shut down? Man, you’re a dick. There are already not enough jobs in this city and you go and make people lose their livelihoods—people who obviously can’t do anything else. If you don’t want calls from call centers, don’t answer your fucking phone, man. [BLEEP!]

M I have to say that I completely agree with the rant uttered by the girl criticizing the public transportation system of Montreal, that they have the temerity to raise the price of the tickets to $3.25, further GOUGING the poor and sick. There are 800,000 people on welfare in this province, and now you are going to hit a single mother who is trying to get across town to buy something cheap? In Europe, if you are on the dole or if you are old, you get free—free!—transportation. That is a reality that is not happening here. [BLEEP!]

M Fucking sick and tired of email and all this digital shit. We are not ROBOTS. What the fuck. The people from the post office are so much NICER, they come to your door, they say hello, whether they be male, female, whatever—sometimes they are PRETTY LADIES—but whatever, it’s fucking better than stupid fucking digital robots. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. As someone working in the on-line marketing business, it’s hard not to be disgusted at how wholly commodified the general public has become. Stop thinking the Internet is a BOON of free services. The only time you get something for free on the Internet is if you download it illegally. Otherwise, you’re paying by surrendering everything about yourself in exchange for an ad for whatever it is you happened to be shopping for anyway. Use ad-blockers. Abandon Google. Leave Facebook. If you don’t care about your privacy, you don’t care about yourself. [BLEEP!]

F If I can just make an admission, sometimes when I get myself off, I think about being KILLED and it sends me right to the finish line. Weird, huh? And I’m not even Goth, or anything. I listen to THE BEAT. [BLEEP!]

M Montrealers, if you fell like you need inspiration to go to the gym, get on the Green Line, stand up and wait for your MAN BOOBIES and your SPARE TIRE to jiggle. Nothing more inspiring to get you off the couch and into the gym. Good luck and get fit. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: The pen of Leonard Cohen, the perversion of the Kraft Teddy Bears! PLUS: Better to be fat than from France, man claims!!

 “edited” by AL SOUTH

M This rant is from Damnation.Is anybody else out there just completely sick of all these ZOMBIES walking around with their fucking earphones in, staring into a goddam SCREEN? Walking while texting and staring into a screen, driving while texting and staring into a screen. It’s ridiculous, I don’t understand what the hell is going on—but I think it’s got to be stopped. Frig! We’re going to all have implants soon and the screens will be in our eyeballs! [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I want to recollect that the only time I ever met Leonard Cohen in person was by a very serendipitous accident. I was visiting an artist friend on the Main who had a studio upstairs, she was surviving on Ramen NOODLES. It was a Sunday morning and I went out for a breath of fresh air after a long night of savouring the poetic life. And there’s Leonard walking past my doorway. I couldn’t resist the option of asking for an AUTOGRAPH, which he of course he obliged, being the GENTLEMAN that he is. And I said, I’m sorry sir, I have no pen or paper. He took out his pen—he also had no paper—and he wrote his signature on my arm. He’s a sweet guy, Leonard. Long may he run. [BLEEP!]

F I have to agree—those two redesigned Kraft Peanut Butter Teddy Bear head shots look like two VOYEURS on the label. I just want to punch them out of their PEEPHOLE. They just look too close, too stoned, too much like PERVS and are about as charming and compelling as the paparazzi. When you see a whole slew of such jars on the store shelves you really get the gist of it. [BLEEP!]

M With all the French-from-France arrogance taking over the city I’m glad to see it finally found a home in the Rant Line™. Maybe our tasteless foods make us OBESE, but you know what? We’re nice. I guess all your cheap wine and cheeses make you motherfucking arrogant. [BLEEP!]

F About the food in France being cheaper than here. Number one, no. But yet are food is expensive and crappy and it’s all packaging. So I don’t blame the young kids for stealing it. [BLEEP!]

F I don’t understand why the metro has raised the damn price when the system hasn’t improved and Montreal is basically a third world city. There are no jobs, the streets suck—Montreal is like a PETTY little piece of shit city. It is charging the already poor—not even middle-class—poor citizens fucking $3.25 to get on the Metro to go downtown or to the Plateau or wherever you have to go. It’s ridiculous. I am so sick of this city and its Mafioso stupid bullshit. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I’m a SMOKER, I’ve been smoking since I was 15 years old. I just went downstairs and the Depanneur Lady said that the tobacco companies are raising the price again. Every three months a pack of cigarettes goes up just a little notch further. I find this is intolerable, especially since they are selling us cigarettes that we can’t quit because we are physically addicted to the shit. So what I say is that the douchebag companies who are reaping robber baron-spoils off the poor SAD SACKS like me who can’t quit smoking should be VILIFIED. Trying to avoid a cigarette in Montreal is like walking through a field of poison ivy in your SHORTS and expecting not to get infected. It’s unavoidable and expensive, and they should have some compassion. [BLEEP!]

F Bell wants to mind the minds of others, I say mind your own first and repair all the broken neglected Bell telephones you’ve got around town. The pathetic mental health commercials you’ve come up with are so annoying and repetitive that you’re left wondering if Bell isn’t off their ROCKER themselves. Malfunction seems to be a happy medium for Bell. Takes one to know one. [BLEEP!]

M This is the rant right back at the girl who works at a call center and says we should answer our phones when they call and not hang up on them. First of all, it takes them several seconds to get on the line and talk to us after their STUPID MACHINE has bothered us at supper time or in the evening. So I say hello twice and then I hang up. And when it’s an 866 I don’t answer the phone anyway. Why the hell should I pay for a phone bill every month so these PARASITES can borrow us at home? The hell with them! The more we make their system no work, the more their bosses will try to find something else that works better and is more HUMANE. By the way if you get calls from the same company more than once, you can tell the guy that you are going to file a police complaint for harassment. I’ve done it and I put the company out of business by having their business license suspended, their phone service suspended, and a visit from the cops. [BLEEP!]

M My name is [gives name and phone number]. I was in the student hall and I was helping the kids to planify the economy to restrict bourgeois rights and build socialism. I said Canada was 49th in what concerns liberty of expression, behind a country like Ghana. And I was kicked out by the security guards! First they told me to take out the LITTLE STICK that was holding my red flag, they took that. Then they kicked me out and they even didn’t want me to hold my flag, without the stick. I was wondering, is it the security guards who run the university or do students have liberty of expression? [BLEEP!]

F Yea, a shout out to the CUTIE PIE who kept her eyes open as an OLD MAN climbed up the slope from below the look out on Mount Royal. 2015 is going to be a good year for you if karma works the way I hope it does. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: Good deeds, gay marines, hipsters with huskies! PLUS: Individual exploding heads!!

 “edited” by AL SOUTH

M I just drove by a COP SHOP and there these two burly looking guys that were cop from the waist up, but seemed to be GAY MARINES from the waist down. They were wearing, like, these, like, PURPLEY gray sort of camo pants, like a gay marine would wear, and then tear away when he was ready to be ass-fucked! Is this what we have come to in law enforcement? I tell you this much—if that guy tried to pull me over, I’d be like, thanks man, but I don’t dig guys, and keep the fuck on driving. [BLEEP!]

F So I was out for my run the other night, and I saw some guy walking toward me, and I stopped and my mouth dropped open, and I got instantly wet because I was looking at none other than JON FUCKING SNOW AND HIS DIRE WOLF. Right in the streets of Mile End! And then I was going to Metro the next day, and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, because there he was again—Jon Fucking Snow and Dire Wolf! And then I saw him again, but walking on St Laurent. And then I realized that it was a different Jon Snow every time! And then it occurred to me that, no, it wasn’t. These were all just BEARDED HIPSTERS with HUSKIES, walking around trying be all like Jon Snow, and that made me sad for a minute. Winter isn’t coming for these losers. Nothing is. Is that mean? [BLEEP!]

F Oh God, I am so in complete agreement with the guy who was complaining about the price of WINE and CHEESE here. I lived in France for three years, and then travelled in Europe for six months, and life was affordable. Groceries were priced so that people could afford to eat them. Here if you want to eat well, or have a nice wine with dinner, you have to practically work two jobs. All the affordable food is a tasteless PASTE of processed garbage. No wonder everyone in North America is OBESE and unhealthy. It’s all they can buy! People should be marching in the streets. The North American food industry is disgusting. Anyway. I don’t expect anything to change. Just wanted to say I agree completely. Bye-bye. [BLEEP!]

F Pet spas are a joke, yes. But so are so many people, which is why pet spas are a thing. There is always somebody very happy to help an idiot spend his money. [BLEEP!]

M Why are you hating on pet spas? My little BOSTON TERRIER has rough days, too, you know? I can see it in his sad big ONE BROWN and ONE BLUE eyes. His little paws get all chafed and a little tender pedi-pedi makes him feel pretty again. Also, I hear some of these doggie spas offer happy endings, so for another $20 he can get his little red pecker tugged. You find me a dog in the world doesn’t like that! [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I just read that rant—even though it wasn’t really a rant—about the guy who looked like Jimi Hendrix, and I think I sort of remember a rant from a LONG time ago where somebody was wondering about a guy who looked like Jim Morrison who used to hang out at Tams. Are the overdose look-alikes OD-ing? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I think it’s great that women and men are both going back and forth here, blaming each other for why they can’t manage to get along, or sweet talk each other into bed in BARS. But I don’t think bars are really where lasting relationships are forged, you know? Seems to me, if you’re drunk and in a club and trying to talk to somebody of the opposite sex, your romance has a life-span of right until sober or right until ten seconds past orgasm. How’s that one for a PICK-UP LINE? [BLEEP!]

M I think Hairy Legs should have gotten the whole bikini. I mean, you won’t look 10 unless you also have no tits. What you’ll look like is someone with a bald, little pussy. Nothing wrong with that. Anyway, send over some pics for us to take a looksie. [BLEEP!]

F Ok, can I just leave a message for anyone who thinks that giving someone the SILENT TREATMENT is a valid way to solve a problem. You are officially emotionally 12 years old if you think that is a good idea. If you are annoyed with something someone has said, and you decide to not tell them why you are annoyed and just not talk to them for several days until they figure it out, you are in IDIOT. You will have a lot of problems dealing with anything in your life and you can just fuck off right now. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Look! When you say hello to a person on the street, they shrivel up like WORMS and press their little CELLPHONES to their ears. Cognitive dissonance, aphasia. The statistics say that previous to the onset of this TECHNOCRACY, that 1 in 5 people would crack up. Now I predict that 4 out of 5 people will crack up, eventually. Let’s watch the bonfires of sanity manifest into individual exploding heads! [BLEEP!]

F Hi! Ok, I LOVE this motherfucking city! I don’t know if this qualifies as a rant, because it is kind of a good thing, but I was just minding my own business, riding the bus, and I got off at my stop and I was listening to really loud music, so I can’t hear, and then halfway down the block I realize that I am missing my KEYS. And so I search in my pocket, I have my bag down on the ground, I’m searching frantically, and then this guy just comes up to me and says, “Madam, did you leave these on the bus?” and hands me my keys! And the bus has waited for him on the corner! I would have been locked out on this cold, cold, cold winter night. And so anyone who says that this city is impersonal can SUCK IT. Ok, bye! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

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THIS WEEK: French wine, the full bikini, whorish girls on the metro! PLUS: Pets hate pet spas, woman claims!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M I’m calling about the woman complaining about the WIMPY MEN who don’t approach women to talk to them in bars. I think you should have a talk with all the jealous COCKBLOCKERS saying, “Yo we came here to have fun just among girls.” Or the angry one saying, “You think you’re going to get me with that line?” Or the ones who don’t even answer to a simple hello, and walk by the guy, or call the guy a LOSER because he doesn’t look good. Or who say that guys who are in bars are not serious. But hell, you are in a bar, are you a serious woman? I could go on. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

F Regarding the state of men. That’s true, but the women, they dress up, they look all WHORISH on the metro, they are looking for men. But then they don’t approach them and if a man looks at them they get all insulted and mad. But they dress for it! Ladies, don’t wait for the men—if you want a man, go up and talk to them. Women can do that too. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. As I was walking down the aisle of the FRENCH WINE section in the SAQ today, I was looking at all the beautiful bottles of French wine. And of course I was AGHAST at the knowledge that the last time I was in France, I had a great bottle of wine for $2. These are price protections that govern cheese, bread and wine, and they are untouchable due to the ROBBER BARON monopolies like we have in Quebec! How can you charge that much markup—600 per cent—on a bottle of wine?! If you want to be European, let’s be cool and open up the markets to free enterprise on ALL DRINKS. Or let’s have a Boston Tea Party. [BLEEP!]

M This is about the Montreal POLICE. A few years ago during the protests, when everyone was wearing those little RED SQUARES, the cops got all pissed, and harassed and searched and ticketed people wearing the red squares. I saw it happen to people. But now, the police, having their own fucking money problems, what do they do? Stick little red squares all over their police cars! What?? It’s all good when they want to have their protest, when they want to show off, get themselves out of UNIFORM and do their own thing and put stickers everywhere? Which by the way is going to cost the city a fortune, to remove those off of the cars and the buses and everywhere else. So it’s ok when the police do it, but not when the students do it? I think everybody needs to know how fucked up and hypocritical the police are here—I just find it wrong. [BLEEP!]

M What happened to that fucking beautiful guy who looked like Jimi Hendrix walking around? That beautiful CAT who played air guitar on the mountain and looks like Jimi? I miss him so much. Where is he? Is he possibly… institutionalized? He was a genius. That’s all that matters. [BLEEP!]

F You now what’s fucked up? PET SPAS. Honestly, if you want to do something nice for your dog, take them for a walk or bring them to a park. There are a million cheap things you can do that are fun for your dog. But you know what a dog fucking does not enjoy? Being taken to a random place, sitting in a waiting room, then going into a weird room and being strapped down onto a table then having CHEMICAL PRODUCTS sprayed all over them by strangers, while being poked and prodded for several hours. Not enjoyable. If you want to do something fun for your pet, do not take them to a pet spa. [BLEEP!]

F Ok, so I work at a CALL CENTER in Montreal and this is a message to all the people in Montreal who pick up the phone, hear that it is someone from a call center and then hang the fuck up. Do not hang up! When you do that, we have to put you on a callback list. It wastes everyone’s time including your own and you will get called back like 10 times! Just say you are not interested in doing the survey, you are not interested in doing it at any other time, and there is no one else in your household who wants to do the survey. You will save the person working in the call center the trouble of calling you back a million times and getting hung up on a million times. Please just take five extra seconds out of your day and save yourself the trouble. Or better yet, ask to be put on a no-call list so you don’t have to go through this. As an OVERWORKED, UNDERPAID call center worker, I can say there is nothing that annoys me more than having to call back the same pissed-off person 10 times. Thank you very much and have a nice day. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™ lets talk about this bitch at [names beauty salon then pauses]… actually I don’t want to name the name of the business, I don’t want to fuck this bitch over. But what’s up with this bitch who just did the worst fucking job I’ve ever seen WAXING MY LEGS? Leaving like half the hair on my legs. It’s actually unbelievable. She’s asking me, “Oh did you shave?” No bitch, I haven’t shaved in like two years! Then you’re asking me my name. It’s cool that you’re trying to be friendly, while you’re ripping tiny hairs off my legs, but that’s a level of intimacy I don’t want to get to personally. And then you’re asking me, “Why do you just want to do the bikini line? Why don’t you do the FULL BIKINI.” Bitch, because I don’t want to look 10 years old! I’m a grown-ass woman! Why do you seem so surprised by that? Then you’re asking me why I don’t want to get shit done on my face. Bitch, I’m WHITE, I don’t need to get shit done on my face! No shame to people who do need that, that’s fine. But seriously lady, were you going to do an equally shitty job ripping out all my pubes? If you were trying to upsell me, I don’t need a half-assed fucking bikini wax, ok? I don’t need to go through puberty again. [BLEEP!]

F About the girl complaining about the girl with the little flowery dress and straw hat who had the DIARRHEA. Well, accidents do happen! We get TOURISTA when we travel, maybe she’s a tourist! [BLEEP!]

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Written by Comments Off on THIS WEEK: French wine, the full bikini, whorish girls on the metro! PLUS: Pets hate pet spas, woman claims!! Posted in regular

THIS WEEK: Girls against boys against girls! PLUS: New theory speculates that Montreal men are the wimpiest in the universe!!

 “edited” by AL SOUTH

F I am calling to rant about the STATE OF MEN in this city. It is the worst I have ever seen. Three GORGEOUS girls go out, and barely a single guy comes up to talk to us. I’ve lived in several different countries in my life, and travelled a lot, and Montreal has got to be the worst. I’ve lived in places like Israel, where guys will send you DRINKS, and hordes of men will just surround you! I don’t know what is wrong with the men here. Why are they so wimpy? Is it because there are so many gorgeous girls here that they feel there is no need to make an effort? Like, why bother? It is retarded, this state of affairs. And online it is even worse! Guys have no balls! We should create a movement where men start to be men again. Men, come up to us! The minute you start talking to us, no matter who you are, we will be happy! We are starved for it! Anyhow, I could probably create an entire blog about this, because I have heard so many girls complain about it. It is a PHENOMENON—Montreal has the most UNBALLSY men in the universe! Guys, stop sticking to your little horde of men and get up and talk to women! Just man up in general! [BLEEP!]

F Hey, so when we went to Osheaga my friend and I were both really bothered by the fact that there were no FEMALE DJs in the lineup. I know that women are super scarce in the EDM scene and it sucks, but still. When you go see a band like Haim, which I did, and they were totally badass, and Kate Nash, you feel the GIRL POWER. But you also feel the sadness, because there is not enough of it at these festivals. It’s time we stopped dancing around this issue. Instead of just saying, “Let’s go girls,” or “Boys suck, girls rule,” which is cool, we should also say, “Ladies, there aren’t enough of us doing this.” So that audiences can realize and reflect and maybe make a change. [BLEEP!]

F I just got home from the first day of Osheaga. A bunch of girls were invited up on the stage by Outkast to dance on stage and have their BEHINDS zoomed in on camera. This is just a sample of the daily confrontations of sexism that women have to go through. So the last thing I needed on my bus ride back home was to read in the Rant Line™ about some LIMP-DICKED MALE telling me that women dress the way we dress because we are trying to catch some dick so we won’t have to fetch our own FOOD. You should know better than to print this crap. [sighs deeply] Good job on ruining my night. [BLEEP!]

F I just wanted to say fuck you to the “editor” of the stupid sexist Rant Line™. I see and hear enough misogynistic bullshit in my daily life that I don’t need to see some douchebag telling women how they should groom their pubes because he thinks VULVAS are ugly. News flash buddy: you don’t have to have sex with vulvas if you don’t want to. And then there was a guy who says we are all stinky dirty APES who want to fuck and that women dress SEXY because they want to fuck a guy so they can control him. That is some high-level misogynistic bullshit! You are choosing to publish hateful, vile bullshit. [BLEEP!]

M Can someone please explain to me what is with the ANIMAL PAW TATTOOS on BOOBS? Is it like, oh look at me, I was just mauled by some animal that can’t resist big fat skanky titties? Whoah, what a turn on! You’ve got nine paw prints on your tits, my dick is just going to shatter the window thinking of that one. Next, CHERRIES. Not to pick on fat girls, but come on, what is it with fat girls and the cherry on their boobs? Is it, oh look at me, my titties are like big fat cherries? Or just pretend they are like cherries? Forget about the fact that they are pale ALABASTER or flushed red with a hive on them, just focus on the cherry! Sorry, but none of these things is making anybody horny. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. This rant is in regards to the Tribe Called Red show that was part of the pre-Pop Montreal festival, I believe. As I was trying to get through the crowd to my friends in front, I was ATTACKED three times by LITTLE GIRLS, basically. Adolescent girls. Two times by Native Indian girls and one time by a French-Canadian girl. They hit me in the back and PUNCHED me really hard from behind. And each time I turned around and said, why are you being aggressive with me, they didn’t have an answer. They just stood there and looked at me like I was an alien from another planet. So to all the little teeny girls who think its cool to punch older men from behind, just because they can, why are you doing this? Are you excited by it? Are you on crack? [BLEEP!]

F The other day I was with my boyfriend and we were walking through Parc Jeanne Mance. It was a beautiful sunny day. And there was this lady walking in front of us and she’s being perfectly normal, wearing a LITTLE FLOWERY DRESS and a STRAW HAT. Then all of a sudden she veers off the path and crouches in front of a tree, and we hear what sounds like a FART. My boyfriend and I turn and look at each other and go, is that really what we just heard? And then we see she is looking around, staring at the traffic as if everything is normal, but there is a stream of YELLOW DIARRHEA coming out from underneath her skirt! What the fuck!? So eventually she finishes her BUSINESS and carries on walking, in her little flowery dress and straw hat. I am never going to be hanging out near that tree, that’s for sure. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the young woman in her 30s whose DREAMS weren’t realized. I’m just wondering, what were her dreams? [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

Written by Comments Off on THIS WEEK: Girls against boys against girls! PLUS: New theory speculates that Montreal men are the wimpiest in the universe!! Posted in regular