THIS WEEK: The Thelemic Order, Aphex Twin, the $42-million fiasco! PLUS: Montreal men advised to check their fat situation!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Hey, so in the last print edition of Cult Montreal, the editor-in-chief interviewed A Tribe Called Red. That’s cool, and they deserve the exposure. But what’s not cool is misspelling and misnaming two of the member’s nations. Maybe it was a SIMPLE MISTAKE, but if you are going to pretend to give a shit about indigenous cultures, stop upholding the COLONIALIST legacy by disregarding our names, our identities and our nations. I am sick of this BS whitewashed culture that is Quebec. Realize whose land you are living on and find ways to be an active ally. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I am in my card driving home and I am listening to the radio and they say that we are celebrating 375 years of Montreal, and the mayor is thinking of providing a walkway—a pedestrian path—from Mount Royal to the Old Port. Now, this is not a good way to spend money that should be put into fixing the roads that people drive on that have huge fucking HOLES in them! This is fucking horseshit! I don’t need a pedestrian fucking walkway when I can’t even drive on the fucking streets without feeling like I am in Africa. This is bullshit. I’ve had my suspension changed on my card three times already! This doesn’t make any sense at all. Fix the fucking roads! [BLEEP!]

F Seriously? We are going to spend $42-million to build a walkway from the mountain to the river? Like there is not already enough STUPID CONSTRUCTION going on in this city? Tell you what, give me and some of my unemployed friends $1-million, just $1-million, maybe even less, and we will build a ZIP-LINE from the mountain to the river. That at least would be fun. WHEEEE. [BLEEP!]

F I don’t really have the time right now, but I am pretty sure I could think of 42 million things that would be better to spend $42-millon on that a path. God. [BLEEP!]

M Anybody who hears or reads the reviews for Aphex Twin’s Computer Controlled Acoustic Instruments pt2, hold your opinions until you hear it on VINYL. You have the choice of playing it at 33 rpm or 45. When you hear the 45 rpm being played—I am listening to it right now—you will understand where part one is, and then you will understand part two. Wow. But meanwhile, do you think Aphex Twin gives two shits about being nominated for a Grammy Award? Especially when the announcer couldn’t pronounce the name of the album properly, or say his name properly. So no wonder he didn’t come. [BLEEP!]

M Hey I am here to propose a new alternative to YOLO for the next generation. There is this ORDER called the Thelemic Order, and their slogan is “Do What Thou Wilt,” and I am hoping that you young kids will start saying D-Dub-T-Dub for short. So keep that in mind and spread the word. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is for the guy who was complaining about the girl who works in a CALL CENTER. Ok, I get it, it sucks when call centers call you. It really sucks. But you are saying how you are happy that you called the cops and got their business shut down? Man, you’re a dick. There are already not enough jobs in this city and you go and make people lose their livelihoods—people who obviously can’t do anything else. If you don’t want calls from call centers, don’t answer your fucking phone, man. [BLEEP!]

M I have to say that I completely agree with the rant uttered by the girl criticizing the public transportation system of Montreal, that they have the temerity to raise the price of the tickets to $3.25, further GOUGING the poor and sick. There are 800,000 people on welfare in this province, and now you are going to hit a single mother who is trying to get across town to buy something cheap? In Europe, if you are on the dole or if you are old, you get free—free!—transportation. That is a reality that is not happening here. [BLEEP!]

M Fucking sick and tired of email and all this digital shit. We are not ROBOTS. What the fuck. The people from the post office are so much NICER, they come to your door, they say hello, whether they be male, female, whatever—sometimes they are PRETTY LADIES—but whatever, it’s fucking better than stupid fucking digital robots. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. As someone working in the on-line marketing business, it’s hard not to be disgusted at how wholly commodified the general public has become. Stop thinking the Internet is a BOON of free services. The only time you get something for free on the Internet is if you download it illegally. Otherwise, you’re paying by surrendering everything about yourself in exchange for an ad for whatever it is you happened to be shopping for anyway. Use ad-blockers. Abandon Google. Leave Facebook. If you don’t care about your privacy, you don’t care about yourself. [BLEEP!]

F If I can just make an admission, sometimes when I get myself off, I think about being KILLED and it sends me right to the finish line. Weird, huh? And I’m not even Goth, or anything. I listen to THE BEAT. [BLEEP!]

M Montrealers, if you fell like you need inspiration to go to the gym, get on the Green Line, stand up and wait for your MAN BOOBIES and your SPARE TIRE to jiggle. Nothing more inspiring to get you off the couch and into the gym. Good luck and get fit. [BLEEP!]


THIS WEEK: The pen of Leonard Cohen, the perversion of the Kraft Teddy Bears! PLUS: Better to be fat than from France, man claims!!

 “edited” by AL SOUTH

M This rant is from Damnation.Is anybody else out there just completely sick of all these ZOMBIES walking around with their fucking earphones in, staring into a goddam SCREEN? Walking while texting and staring into a screen, driving while texting and staring into a screen. It’s ridiculous, I don’t understand what the hell is going on—but I think it’s got to be stopped. Frig! We’re going to all have implants soon and the screens will be in our eyeballs! [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I want to recollect that the only time I ever met Leonard Cohen in person was by a very serendipitous accident. I was visiting an artist friend on the Main who had a studio upstairs, she was surviving on Ramen NOODLES. It was a Sunday morning and I went out for a breath of fresh air after a long night of savouring the poetic life. And there’s Leonard walking past my doorway. I couldn’t resist the option of asking for an AUTOGRAPH, which he of course he obliged, being the GENTLEMAN that he is. And I said, I’m sorry sir, I have no pen or paper. He took out his pen—he also had no paper—and he wrote his signature on my arm. He’s a sweet guy, Leonard. Long may he run. [BLEEP!]

F I have to agree—those two redesigned Kraft Peanut Butter Teddy Bear head shots look like two VOYEURS on the label. I just want to punch them out of their PEEPHOLE. They just look too close, too stoned, too much like PERVS and are about as charming and compelling as the paparazzi. When you see a whole slew of such jars on the store shelves you really get the gist of it. [BLEEP!]

M With all the French-from-France arrogance taking over the city I’m glad to see it finally found a home in the Rant Line™. Maybe our tasteless foods make us OBESE, but you know what? We’re nice. I guess all your cheap wine and cheeses make you motherfucking arrogant. [BLEEP!]

F About the food in France being cheaper than here. Number one, no. But yet are food is expensive and crappy and it’s all packaging. So I don’t blame the young kids for stealing it. [BLEEP!]

F I don’t understand why the metro has raised the damn price when the system hasn’t improved and Montreal is basically a third world city. There are no jobs, the streets suck—Montreal is like a PETTY little piece of shit city. It is charging the already poor—not even middle-class—poor citizens fucking $3.25 to get on the Metro to go downtown or to the Plateau or wherever you have to go. It’s ridiculous. I am so sick of this city and its Mafioso stupid bullshit. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I’m a SMOKER, I’ve been smoking since I was 15 years old. I just went downstairs and the Depanneur Lady said that the tobacco companies are raising the price again. Every three months a pack of cigarettes goes up just a little notch further. I find this is intolerable, especially since they are selling us cigarettes that we can’t quit because we are physically addicted to the shit. So what I say is that the douchebag companies who are reaping robber baron-spoils off the poor SAD SACKS like me who can’t quit smoking should be VILIFIED. Trying to avoid a cigarette in Montreal is like walking through a field of poison ivy in your SHORTS and expecting not to get infected. It’s unavoidable and expensive, and they should have some compassion. [BLEEP!]

F Bell wants to mind the minds of others, I say mind your own first and repair all the broken neglected Bell telephones you’ve got around town. The pathetic mental health commercials you’ve come up with are so annoying and repetitive that you’re left wondering if Bell isn’t off their ROCKER themselves. Malfunction seems to be a happy medium for Bell. Takes one to know one. [BLEEP!]

M This is the rant right back at the girl who works at a call center and says we should answer our phones when they call and not hang up on them. First of all, it takes them several seconds to get on the line and talk to us after their STUPID MACHINE has bothered us at supper time or in the evening. So I say hello twice and then I hang up. And when it’s an 866 I don’t answer the phone anyway. Why the hell should I pay for a phone bill every month so these PARASITES can borrow us at home? The hell with them! The more we make their system no work, the more their bosses will try to find something else that works better and is more HUMANE. By the way if you get calls from the same company more than once, you can tell the guy that you are going to file a police complaint for harassment. I’ve done it and I put the company out of business by having their business license suspended, their phone service suspended, and a visit from the cops. [BLEEP!]

M My name is [gives name and phone number]. I was in the student hall and I was helping the kids to planify the economy to restrict bourgeois rights and build socialism. I said Canada was 49th in what concerns liberty of expression, behind a country like Ghana. And I was kicked out by the security guards! First they told me to take out the LITTLE STICK that was holding my red flag, they took that. Then they kicked me out and they even didn’t want me to hold my flag, without the stick. I was wondering, is it the security guards who run the university or do students have liberty of expression? [BLEEP!]

F Yea, a shout out to the CUTIE PIE who kept her eyes open as an OLD MAN climbed up the slope from below the look out on Mount Royal. 2015 is going to be a good year for you if karma works the way I hope it does. [BLEEP!]


THIS WEEK: Good deeds, gay marines, hipsters with huskies! PLUS: Individual exploding heads!!

 “edited” by AL SOUTH

M I just drove by a COP SHOP and there these two burly looking guys that were cop from the waist up, but seemed to be GAY MARINES from the waist down. They were wearing, like, these, like, PURPLEY gray sort of camo pants, like a gay marine would wear, and then tear away when he was ready to be ass-fucked! Is this what we have come to in law enforcement? I tell you this much—if that guy tried to pull me over, I’d be like, thanks man, but I don’t dig guys, and keep the fuck on driving. [BLEEP!]

F So I was out for my run the other night, and I saw some guy walking toward me, and I stopped and my mouth dropped open, and I got instantly wet because I was looking at none other than JON FUCKING SNOW AND HIS DIRE WOLF. Right in the streets of Mile End! And then I was going to Metro the next day, and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, because there he was again—Jon Fucking Snow and Dire Wolf! And then I saw him again, but walking on St Laurent. And then I realized that it was a different Jon Snow every time! And then it occurred to me that, no, it wasn’t. These were all just BEARDED HIPSTERS with HUSKIES, walking around trying be all like Jon Snow, and that made me sad for a minute. Winter isn’t coming for these losers. Nothing is. Is that mean? [BLEEP!]

F Oh God, I am so in complete agreement with the guy who was complaining about the price of WINE and CHEESE here. I lived in France for three years, and then travelled in Europe for six months, and life was affordable. Groceries were priced so that people could afford to eat them. Here if you want to eat well, or have a nice wine with dinner, you have to practically work two jobs. All the affordable food is a tasteless PASTE of processed garbage. No wonder everyone in North America is OBESE and unhealthy. It’s all they can buy! People should be marching in the streets. The North American food industry is disgusting. Anyway. I don’t expect anything to change. Just wanted to say I agree completely. Bye-bye. [BLEEP!]

F Pet spas are a joke, yes. But so are so many people, which is why pet spas are a thing. There is always somebody very happy to help an idiot spend his money. [BLEEP!]

M Why are you hating on pet spas? My little BOSTON TERRIER has rough days, too, you know? I can see it in his sad big ONE BROWN and ONE BLUE eyes. His little paws get all chafed and a little tender pedi-pedi makes him feel pretty again. Also, I hear some of these doggie spas offer happy endings, so for another $20 he can get his little red pecker tugged. You find me a dog in the world doesn’t like that! [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I just read that rant—even though it wasn’t really a rant—about the guy who looked like Jimi Hendrix, and I think I sort of remember a rant from a LONG time ago where somebody was wondering about a guy who looked like Jim Morrison who used to hang out at Tams. Are the overdose look-alikes OD-ing? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I think it’s great that women and men are both going back and forth here, blaming each other for why they can’t manage to get along, or sweet talk each other into bed in BARS. But I don’t think bars are really where lasting relationships are forged, you know? Seems to me, if you’re drunk and in a club and trying to talk to somebody of the opposite sex, your romance has a life-span of right until sober or right until ten seconds past orgasm. How’s that one for a PICK-UP LINE? [BLEEP!]

M I think Hairy Legs should have gotten the whole bikini. I mean, you won’t look 10 unless you also have no tits. What you’ll look like is someone with a bald, little pussy. Nothing wrong with that. Anyway, send over some pics for us to take a looksie. [BLEEP!]

F Ok, can I just leave a message for anyone who thinks that giving someone the SILENT TREATMENT is a valid way to solve a problem. You are officially emotionally 12 years old if you think that is a good idea. If you are annoyed with something someone has said, and you decide to not tell them why you are annoyed and just not talk to them for several days until they figure it out, you are in IDIOT. You will have a lot of problems dealing with anything in your life and you can just fuck off right now. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Look! When you say hello to a person on the street, they shrivel up like WORMS and press their little CELLPHONES to their ears. Cognitive dissonance, aphasia. The statistics say that previous to the onset of this TECHNOCRACY, that 1 in 5 people would crack up. Now I predict that 4 out of 5 people will crack up, eventually. Let’s watch the bonfires of sanity manifest into individual exploding heads! [BLEEP!]

F Hi! Ok, I LOVE this motherfucking city! I don’t know if this qualifies as a rant, because it is kind of a good thing, but I was just minding my own business, riding the bus, and I got off at my stop and I was listening to really loud music, so I can’t hear, and then halfway down the block I realize that I am missing my KEYS. And so I search in my pocket, I have my bag down on the ground, I’m searching frantically, and then this guy just comes up to me and says, “Madam, did you leave these on the bus?” and hands me my keys! And the bus has waited for him on the corner! I would have been locked out on this cold, cold, cold winter night. And so anyone who says that this city is impersonal can SUCK IT. Ok, bye! [BLEEP!]


THIS WEEK: French wine, the full bikini, whorish girls on the metro! PLUS: Pets hate pet spas, woman claims!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M I’m calling about the woman complaining about the WIMPY MEN who don’t approach women to talk to them in bars. I think you should have a talk with all the jealous COCKBLOCKERS saying, “Yo we came here to have fun just among girls.” Or the angry one saying, “You think you’re going to get me with that line?” Or the ones who don’t even answer to a simple hello, and walk by the guy, or call the guy a LOSER because he doesn’t look good. Or who say that guys who are in bars are not serious. But hell, you are in a bar, are you a serious woman? I could go on. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

F Regarding the state of men. That’s true, but the women, they dress up, they look all WHORISH on the metro, they are looking for men. But then they don’t approach them and if a man looks at them they get all insulted and mad. But they dress for it! Ladies, don’t wait for the men—if you want a man, go up and talk to them. Women can do that too. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. As I was walking down the aisle of the FRENCH WINE section in the SAQ today, I was looking at all the beautiful bottles of French wine. And of course I was AGHAST at the knowledge that the last time I was in France, I had a great bottle of wine for $2. These are price protections that govern cheese, bread and wine, and they are untouchable due to the ROBBER BARON monopolies like we have in Quebec! How can you charge that much markup—600 per cent—on a bottle of wine?! If you want to be European, let’s be cool and open up the markets to free enterprise on ALL DRINKS. Or let’s have a Boston Tea Party. [BLEEP!]

M This is about the Montreal POLICE. A few years ago during the protests, when everyone was wearing those little RED SQUARES, the cops got all pissed, and harassed and searched and ticketed people wearing the red squares. I saw it happen to people. But now, the police, having their own fucking money problems, what do they do? Stick little red squares all over their police cars! What?? It’s all good when they want to have their protest, when they want to show off, get themselves out of UNIFORM and do their own thing and put stickers everywhere? Which by the way is going to cost the city a fortune, to remove those off of the cars and the buses and everywhere else. So it’s ok when the police do it, but not when the students do it? I think everybody needs to know how fucked up and hypocritical the police are here—I just find it wrong. [BLEEP!]

M What happened to that fucking beautiful guy who looked like Jimi Hendrix walking around? That beautiful CAT who played air guitar on the mountain and looks like Jimi? I miss him so much. Where is he? Is he possibly… institutionalized? He was a genius. That’s all that matters. [BLEEP!]

F You now what’s fucked up? PET SPAS. Honestly, if you want to do something nice for your dog, take them for a walk or bring them to a park. There are a million cheap things you can do that are fun for your dog. But you know what a dog fucking does not enjoy? Being taken to a random place, sitting in a waiting room, then going into a weird room and being strapped down onto a table then having CHEMICAL PRODUCTS sprayed all over them by strangers, while being poked and prodded for several hours. Not enjoyable. If you want to do something fun for your pet, do not take them to a pet spa. [BLEEP!]

F Ok, so I work at a CALL CENTER in Montreal and this is a message to all the people in Montreal who pick up the phone, hear that it is someone from a call center and then hang the fuck up. Do not hang up! When you do that, we have to put you on a callback list. It wastes everyone’s time including your own and you will get called back like 10 times! Just say you are not interested in doing the survey, you are not interested in doing it at any other time, and there is no one else in your household who wants to do the survey. You will save the person working in the call center the trouble of calling you back a million times and getting hung up on a million times. Please just take five extra seconds out of your day and save yourself the trouble. Or better yet, ask to be put on a no-call list so you don’t have to go through this. As an OVERWORKED, UNDERPAID call center worker, I can say there is nothing that annoys me more than having to call back the same pissed-off person 10 times. Thank you very much and have a nice day. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™ lets talk about this bitch at [names beauty salon then pauses]… actually I don’t want to name the name of the business, I don’t want to fuck this bitch over. But what’s up with this bitch who just did the worst fucking job I’ve ever seen WAXING MY LEGS? Leaving like half the hair on my legs. It’s actually unbelievable. She’s asking me, “Oh did you shave?” No bitch, I haven’t shaved in like two years! Then you’re asking me my name. It’s cool that you’re trying to be friendly, while you’re ripping tiny hairs off my legs, but that’s a level of intimacy I don’t want to get to personally. And then you’re asking me, “Why do you just want to do the bikini line? Why don’t you do the FULL BIKINI.” Bitch, because I don’t want to look 10 years old! I’m a grown-ass woman! Why do you seem so surprised by that? Then you’re asking me why I don’t want to get shit done on my face. Bitch, I’m WHITE, I don’t need to get shit done on my face! No shame to people who do need that, that’s fine. But seriously lady, were you going to do an equally shitty job ripping out all my pubes? If you were trying to upsell me, I don’t need a half-assed fucking bikini wax, ok? I don’t need to go through puberty again. [BLEEP!]

F About the girl complaining about the girl with the little flowery dress and straw hat who had the DIARRHEA. Well, accidents do happen! We get TOURISTA when we travel, maybe she’s a tourist! [BLEEP!]


THIS WEEK: Girls against boys against girls! PLUS: New theory speculates that Montreal men are the wimpiest in the universe!!

 “edited” by AL SOUTH

F I am calling to rant about the STATE OF MEN in this city. It is the worst I have ever seen. Three GORGEOUS girls go out, and barely a single guy comes up to talk to us. I’ve lived in several different countries in my life, and travelled a lot, and Montreal has got to be the worst. I’ve lived in places like Israel, where guys will send you DRINKS, and hordes of men will just surround you! I don’t know what is wrong with the men here. Why are they so wimpy? Is it because there are so many gorgeous girls here that they feel there is no need to make an effort? Like, why bother? It is retarded, this state of affairs. And online it is even worse! Guys have no balls! We should create a movement where men start to be men again. Men, come up to us! The minute you start talking to us, no matter who you are, we will be happy! We are starved for it! Anyhow, I could probably create an entire blog about this, because I have heard so many girls complain about it. It is a PHENOMENON—Montreal has the most UNBALLSY men in the universe! Guys, stop sticking to your little horde of men and get up and talk to women! Just man up in general! [BLEEP!]

F Hey, so when we went to Osheaga my friend and I were both really bothered by the fact that there were no FEMALE DJs in the lineup. I know that women are super scarce in the EDM scene and it sucks, but still. When you go see a band like Haim, which I did, and they were totally badass, and Kate Nash, you feel the GIRL POWER. But you also feel the sadness, because there is not enough of it at these festivals. It’s time we stopped dancing around this issue. Instead of just saying, “Let’s go girls,” or “Boys suck, girls rule,” which is cool, we should also say, “Ladies, there aren’t enough of us doing this.” So that audiences can realize and reflect and maybe make a change. [BLEEP!]

F I just got home from the first day of Osheaga. A bunch of girls were invited up on the stage by Outkast to dance on stage and have their BEHINDS zoomed in on camera. This is just a sample of the daily confrontations of sexism that women have to go through. So the last thing I needed on my bus ride back home was to read in the Rant Line™ about some LIMP-DICKED MALE telling me that women dress the way we dress because we are trying to catch some dick so we won’t have to fetch our own FOOD. You should know better than to print this crap. [sighs deeply] Good job on ruining my night. [BLEEP!]

F I just wanted to say fuck you to the “editor” of the stupid sexist Rant Line™. I see and hear enough misogynistic bullshit in my daily life that I don’t need to see some douchebag telling women how they should groom their pubes because he thinks VULVAS are ugly. News flash buddy: you don’t have to have sex with vulvas if you don’t want to. And then there was a guy who says we are all stinky dirty APES who want to fuck and that women dress SEXY because they want to fuck a guy so they can control him. That is some high-level misogynistic bullshit! You are choosing to publish hateful, vile bullshit. [BLEEP!]

M Can someone please explain to me what is with the ANIMAL PAW TATTOOS on BOOBS? Is it like, oh look at me, I was just mauled by some animal that can’t resist big fat skanky titties? Whoah, what a turn on! You’ve got nine paw prints on your tits, my dick is just going to shatter the window thinking of that one. Next, CHERRIES. Not to pick on fat girls, but come on, what is it with fat girls and the cherry on their boobs? Is it, oh look at me, my titties are like big fat cherries? Or just pretend they are like cherries? Forget about the fact that they are pale ALABASTER or flushed red with a hive on them, just focus on the cherry! Sorry, but none of these things is making anybody horny. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. This rant is in regards to the Tribe Called Red show that was part of the pre-Pop Montreal festival, I believe. As I was trying to get through the crowd to my friends in front, I was ATTACKED three times by LITTLE GIRLS, basically. Adolescent girls. Two times by Native Indian girls and one time by a French-Canadian girl. They hit me in the back and PUNCHED me really hard from behind. And each time I turned around and said, why are you being aggressive with me, they didn’t have an answer. They just stood there and looked at me like I was an alien from another planet. So to all the little teeny girls who think its cool to punch older men from behind, just because they can, why are you doing this? Are you excited by it? Are you on crack? [BLEEP!]

F The other day I was with my boyfriend and we were walking through Parc Jeanne Mance. It was a beautiful sunny day. And there was this lady walking in front of us and she’s being perfectly normal, wearing a LITTLE FLOWERY DRESS and a STRAW HAT. Then all of a sudden she veers off the path and crouches in front of a tree, and we hear what sounds like a FART. My boyfriend and I turn and look at each other and go, is that really what we just heard? And then we see she is looking around, staring at the traffic as if everything is normal, but there is a stream of YELLOW DIARRHEA coming out from underneath her skirt! What the fuck!? So eventually she finishes her BUSINESS and carries on walking, in her little flowery dress and straw hat. I am never going to be hanging out near that tree, that’s for sure. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the young woman in her 30s whose DREAMS weren’t realized. I’m just wondering, what were her dreams? [BLEEP!]


THIS WEEK: Hippies, hookers, the science of human attraction! PLUS: In praise of the mohawk and metro ticket!!

 “edited” by AL SOUTH

F Yes, I am calling—and I’m surprised if I’m the only one—because I can’t be the only one who is sick to death of these WINDOW-RATTLING FIREWORKS all summer long. Once a week on Saturdays is bad enough, but do we really need them in the middle of the week, too, when people maybe need to have some quiet and not have things shake on their shelves from the idiot explosions? Which, by the way, also send poison garbage into our air, land and water. Every year, they get louder and louder since dumb people equate bigger explosions with a better show. Like Hollywood movies. But just like Hollywood movies, we would be better off without them. Let’s start a petition to get them stopped! Yeah! [BLEEP!]

M If anyone is the vicinity of Coloniale and Napoleon, please be advised that there is a GROW-OP in the vicinity. Or at least that’s what it smells like to me. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I want to complain about the Festival Juste Pour Rire, which should be called Just for REAR, like ass, because of all these fake-titted hookers walking around with fat comedians in ugly RAYON shirts. Does the festival hire all the hookers for these guys, or do these guys get to their hotel and immediately flip the Yellow Pages open to Hookers, Old and Spent and hire themselves up a few? I mean, the fucking Eurotrash and fat Americans during the F1 have got nothing on these idiots when it comes to embarrassing themselves. Also, their shows aren’t that funny. Anyhow, I’m here all week. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, to the female who ranted about BEARDS. First of all, may I just say I am a straight male, I have a full head of hair and can grow a full beard, and presently have one. I think that it is good that people are growing beards again. I must admit though, that anyone who can’t grow a full beard and just has those little patchy things on different parts of their face—maybe they shouldn’t grow a beard. But since we’re on the subject of body hair, and you seem to have an obsession with it, let’s just say one thing. Ladies, next time you are thinking of shaving the old GLORY HOLE, why don’t you sit in a chair, spread those legs, and take a good look at it with a mirror. And then ask yourself, do you have a nice looking one, or not? Because believe me, there are some women who should cover it with some hair, because not all pussies look nice! Some do, some don’t. The ones that look like they have a piece of STEAK hanging out of them, then maybe the old Mohawk or METRO TICKET—whatever you want to call it, a patch of hair to cover it up—will do you some good. Also, when you shave it and it looks like it’s got a whole bunch of five o’clock shadow, that doesn’t look too appealing either. Ladies, take care of those pussies. Manicure them the way they should be according to how they look. Take care down there. [BLEEP!]

F Hello Rant Line™. I am calling because I am so mad at the city of Montreal right now. I love garage and yard sales and I’ve been out wandering around for the last few weeks looking for them and I decided to have one of my own, on Bernard. And the CITY COPS came and busted us! They told us if that we didn’t move we would get charged. What kind of fucking ridiculousness is this?! We can’t get rid of our own crap? Come on Montreal! Let us get together as a community and get to meet our neighbours and sell our shit, for fuck’s sake! [BLEEP!]

M You ever think maybe it’s time to start DESTROYING THE CAMERAS instead of feeling camera raped? [BLEEP!]

M This is a follow-up to the rant about booty-shorts and women showing their shit through skimpy clothes. I don’t know if you realize this, but people are just animals, okay? Stinky, dirty APES. And the only thing they want from each other is to fuck. Guys want to fuck because they like to fuck, and women want to fuck to trap a guy to be protected from other guys who they don’t want to fuck. That’s it. That’s the whole of human relationships right there. Fuck or be fucked. You can dress it up and talk about love and what everybody has to offer everybody else or whatever, but it’s just a VENEER on top of the facts. And that’s why women dress that way. To catch some dick so they don’t have to be afraid or look for their own food. Anyone who says otherwise doesn’t know their SCIENCE. [BLEEP!]

F I’m just calling because I am in my 30s now and I realize that a lot of the things that I thought I would accomplish in my life and a lot of the possibilities that I thought were open to me, aren’t really. So, all my DREAMS have died. And the saddest thing for me is not the DUST of my dreams, but that nobody warned me that this would happen. And in a way, now that it has happened, it feels inevitable. Everyone must go through this, so more people should talk about it. That’s all. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, I am calling in response to pissing-on-the-hippies Rant Line™ guy. I don’t think you have a right to put down hippies, since there aren’t any left, they are all DEAD, and everyone left is a zombie. If you had any education about what hippies really were, you would give them an ounce of respect. Hippies paved the way for the great world we are in living in today. They stopped the Vietnam War! The hippies planted the seeds that we now see in Greenpeace and your environmental and eco-positive proactive groups. So don’t use the word hippie if you don’t like somebody just because they are wasting your time bitching. Hippies took it up the ASS. They were shot and kicked around! If you want to learn something about the sacrifices of the hippies, watch the movie Easy Rider. [BLEEP!]


THIS WEEK: Short shorts, jean bucket hats, camera rape! PLUS: Girl attends high school reunion, ends up on street surrounded by puke!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F I don’t know if it’s just me or if it’s a sign of the times or whatever, but it occurred to me that there are so many movies and shows or bands that I would honestly have never heard of if I hadn’t found them while looking at what’s available to download from the torrent sites. That’s got to be an argument in favour of the PIRATING SCENE, no? [BLEEP!]

M Yessir. I have been hearing a lot lately about how good CHOM is these days, that it has improved, and so I thought, you know, sure. Turn off the XM for a bit and check it out. Wow. I mean, no. It is still as shit as ever! Back to the much better radio satellite has let me have. Like the man was saying on CHOM‑won’t get fooled again. [BLEEP!]

F Hey. Today was my 10-year HIGH SCHOOL REUNION. I had a really great time, saw all my friends‑it was amazing. Except for the fact that the fucking boy I loved in high school for five years, tonight, declares his love for me, and KISSES me! You know what‑it’s fucking over! You are 10 years too late! You motherfucker! Right now I’m in Mile End, and I am getting some bagels and my best friend from high school and elementary school and all of school is lying down next to me and she’s PUKING and I am trying to feed her Fairmount Bagels. And cars are driving by. Ten years, motherfucker! Ten years. And this is the moment you choose? No. You know what, love stories don’t happen ending, ever. Don’t wait 10 years. Tell me when we are 15 years old, and it matters. Motherfucker. [BLEEP!]

M It wasn’t my intention to get involved with this, but about this stuff with the SHORTS in Beaconsfield. Where that high school kid got sent home for wearing cut-off jean shorts, and then was all like, “Hey, teach boys not to look at girls as sex objects, so I can wear what I want.” Well, you know what? If you’re wearing booty shorts and showing your ass, then, yeah‑you’re saying “Look at me! Don’t you want to fuck me?” I’m not saying this Beaconsfield kid did that. From what I saw, mostly her shorts were not in the least bit sexy. But speaking generally, that’s it. Saying that you’re HOT and should be allowed to wear whatever to keep cool is bullshit. I’m sure I’d be much more comfortable walking around with my NUTS cooling in the breeze than cooped up in my pants. Don’t get me wrong. It’s important to teach boys that girls are their equals. But it’s just as important to teach girls that the people SELLING them the idea of booty shorts and shit and revealing clothes want them to be whores. Fuck that. Educate the world. Free the people. [BLEEP!]

M How’s it going Rant Line™? Hey I am pissed off at hippies. FUCKING HIPPIES. The people who seem so godamn POSITIVE and try to put that positive energy out, but end up wasting your entire afternoon bitching about problems that no SANE person would consider to be a problem in the first place. I’m cool with people being able to do whatever they want, but could you please not try to give me SCALP MASSAGES when I am working. I don’t want to have to hear you bitch about the Euro and how it is representative of how MEAT is taking over the world, you PAGAN FUCK. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. I had a novel experience‑a kind of EPIPHANY–which I gathered from having seen about 50 cameras monitoring my particular comings and goings, from shopping to walking down the street, to people with their cell phone cameras.I came up with something called CAMERA RAPE. This is an effect on the subconscious mind of the participant who is being monitored, which means that the person is having a defensive mechanism like an AMOEBA being probed by a pair of TWEEZERS. Right? So what’s going to happen in the future is that human beings are going to develop telepathic capacities in order to conceal that sacred part where those tweezers cannot pierce. It is camera rape and I completely abhor it because it is an insult and an affront to my rights as a human being. So I am just putting my two cents in on that account. See you later, alligator. [BLEEP!]

M I was at Eurofest today, on Prince Arthur. I brought my daughter with me and she had her SCOOTER. And because of the brick streets she tripped and fell. It was right in front Vol du Nuit, and a group of guys on a terrasse, including one main guy in a JEAN BUCKET HAT. And they all thought it was pretty funny. Now admittedly, I’ve sat on Prince Arthur and watched grown women trip in HIGH HEELS, but laughing at a little girl who fell on a scooter, because you are shitfaced in the sun at four in the afternoon, is absolutely pathetic. I want you to understand, my friend, I will remember your face. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Rant Line™. Sorry if I sound like I’m CRYING, but I am. I just want to say to all the bastards in this city, that if you see a person wipe out on their bike, and you see that person is hurt and that all her groceries are all over the street, maybe come over and help instead of letting her sit there with a GASHED LEG bleeding while cars run over her fucking dinner. And if you’re driving and see a person lying on the bike path with bags splayed out across the road, maybe don’t fucking honk at them and run over their food! I was having such a great day and now I just never want to go out again. Goodbye! [BLEEP!]


THIS WEEK: Cops in black muscle cars, fruit flies, suicide! PLUS: Beards no longer attractive to women, claims woman!!

 “edited” by AL SOUTH

F To the loser throwing around pejorative terms at the HIPSTERS and HASIDS in Mile End. Fair enough, say what you will about the hipsters, that’s a fashion choice, and who knows if it will stick around. But as for the Hasids, dude, seriously, if you don’t like it, move the fuck out of the neighbourhood. One of the reasons that Mile End is so awesome is because the people who have been coexisting her peacefully for generations don’t go around marginalizing one another based on narrow-minded views of one another’s religious beliefs. How about you go back to wherever it is you are from that gave you such a NASTY MOUTH that you thought you could run around FLAPPING at communities you know clearly nothing about. Save us all the trouble of your ignorance, because it doesn’t represent Mile End whatsoever, or the 21st century. On a happier note, how cool is it that as a sign of the acceptance of diversity in this city, one of the most desirable women happens to be TRANS. Awesome 2014! Julie Paquet, fuck yeah! [BLEEP!]

F Beards—your time is over. I’m talking to you, little skinny boys with full bushy beards. It doesn’t make you look macho or OUTDOORSY. Growing some muscles would do that. And I’m talking to you, balding men who think growing stubbly hair on your face makes up for the no hair on your head that you hide under a hat. Why not show us your back hair too? That would be just as sexy. Attention all men: no more beard farming, no more creative facial hair, everyone please stand closer to their razors! Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M I was walking up St. Laurent today and passed a new MISSION for homeless men in Mile End. They were all standing outside it smoking and squinting in the sun, dressed in clothes they got from the Salvation Army or Village des Valeurs. Poor men, I thought, the economy really has taken a downturn. And then I realized it wasn’t a new homeless shelter they were standing in front of, it was UBISOFT. Jesus guys—pull yourselves away from your computer screens and take a look in a mirror. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, Rant Line™. I just want to call to your attention that in the Metro at La Cite there is a notice up from the Office de la Langue francais which, from what I can make out, is certifying their excellent job upholding the charter of the French language, which I guess is a thing. You’ve got to wonder about what would make them decide that’s something to be so proud of that they need to put it up on display at the front of the store. Meanwhile, they can’t seem to do anything about the FRUIT FLIES that infest the entire produce section. Good to see priorities in the right place! Thank you for listening. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hi this is about those annoying lights on the COP CARS. They aren’t just in Montreal, because I was practically blinded by them to the point of swerving off the road a few weeks back on the Ontario stretch of the 401. But have you seen these BLACK MUSCLE CARS some of the cops here are driving now? And they have POLICE written on them also in black, so you can barely see it? I guess it’s supposed to be intimidating or BATMANY, but I certainly wouldn’t pull over if some guy in a midnight black muscle car came up behind me, flashing lights or no. I guess police have given up on the image of being friendly and helpful, and have decided they’ll just try to scare everyone into line? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, that was BILL HICKS who said “If you’re in advertising, kill yourself,” and I know exactly how you feel. I did it for about six years and then went back to school because I used to cry myself to sleep over the evil bullshit and pieces of shit that make up the industry. It’s so rotten, rotten, rotten, and Mad Men is just steering a bunch of fantasists into the business, just in case there weren’t enough misogynistic self-serving scumbags in it, right? Anyway, don’t kill yourself. Walk out and do something else. If you hate it that much, you’re already better than 99 per cent of the people in advertising. Hope this gives you some encouragement. [BLEEP!]

M Suicide isn’t funny, no matter why you do it. So just—if it’s really on your mind—you need to just stop everything and get some help from a professional or even a friend. Life isn’t always fun or happy, but it’s better than no life at all. There are people who love you, even if you don’t know it, or don’t believe it, or even haven’t even met them yet. I’d be happy to meet you for a coffee if you ever need someone to talk to. Let us know you’re all right, okay? [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™, bad fucking news! No sooner had I called you guys to tell you about my neighbour and her BIG OILY TITS than, wouldn’t you fucking know it, she moves away! God, this is a sad day for me. I used to be able to set my clock by that nightly show. By my estimation, the chances the apartment gets rented by another hot blonde with a need to oil her tits and no need for CURTAINS is precisely zero. Life really does just get worse and worse. [BLEEP!]

F I dunno. It looks like SUMMER, but everything seems too quiet. Is Montreal all grown up now, or something, or has the party moved? Let’s get the party started, all right? Yeah! [BLEEP!]


THIS WEEK: Hipsters, Hasids, flashing cop lights! PLUS: Working poor advised to marry rich!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Yep, hi. If you look at the time, you can see it’s pretty late at night. I was sitting here watching Game of Thrones on my Galaxy tab, and I see something flashing on my wall, like a strobe light. FLASH, FLASH, FLASH. I was like, what the fuck is that, because I’m up on the 10th floor. I thought maybe it was a SPY DRONE. But when I went and opened the curtains to look, instead I see a police car with its lights flashing. Not the old kind of lights, but these ultra-bright halogen flashing lights that were fucking blinding to look at even from 10 floors up and about two blocks away. Are these new? Because they’re pretty fucking obnoxious. Montreal police: even our cars are assholes. How’s that for a new slogan? [BLEEP!]

M Between the HIPSTERS who think they’re God’s gift to the world, and walk around like they own the place, and the HASIDS who think they’re God’s gift to the world and walk around like they own the place, the Mile End area has become unbearable. Although at least the Hasids aren’t wearing gay fucking running shoes and skinny jeans and ridiculous sunglasses. Seriously. What a lousy area to try to shop in. [BLEEP!]

M Sometimes I see things I like better than the things I’m supposed to be liking. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I wanted to pass on some advice to the guy who talked about being DEMORALIZED by his JOB. The more I talk to people, the clearer it is that nobody is happy with their jobs, and most of the people doing the hiring are disgusting. What I do is I PRETEND. I go to work and I smile a lot, and I tell everyone that I’m great and that work is great and how nice everyone is. I do my job just enough without really working too hard, but talk about how great it is to be working there—which it isn’t. But my employers think I’m HAPPY, and so they like me and never second-guess me when I call in sick or have to leave early. And all the while I’m thinking to myself that they’re complete pieces of shit, and the first chance I get I will screw them over like there’s no tomorrow. So that’s what you need to do. LIE. It won’t make you like your job more, but it’ll make the bastards you work for happy enough not to notice that you’re not really working. Good luck! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I don’t know how to tell that WORKER’S BLUES MAN this, but all jobs are shit. Needing money to have fun is not anything new. So unless you can MARRY RICH or inherit a lot of money, then you’re fucked. On the plus side, so is everyone else. It’s just that you seem to want to be a little whiny bitch about it. [BLEEP!]

F To the guy saying there is a lot in this city but you need a lot of money to do them—the best things in life are free! You have beautiful parks, there’s the ORATORY, the Old Port, St. Denis, St. Lawrence, you have lots of festivals that give you free shit, interesting newspapers, beautiful nature walks. It’s all free. It’s just a matter of not finding things boring. Maybe you are boring? [BLEEP!]

F Who was it that said “If you’re in ADVERTISING, kill yourself”? Because I am, and I think I might. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I don’t want to get involved, really, with anyone else’s problem with NAKED NEIGHBOURS leaving their blinds up. But I very much do want to say thank you to the FIT SWEETIE across from me, because almost every night she comes strolling into her bedroom, drops her towel, and then spends about 10 minutes OILING her tits. Well, maybe it’s not 10 minutes, but it’s definitely long enough for me to get what I need out of it. So thank you. And maybe that woman complaining about the other guy could try to take advantage of seeing some free cock. One day we all get cut off. May as well look while you can. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, a FABRIC ALLERGY? Really? Good excuse. It seems a lot more likely that he’d have a fabric allergy than just be the sort of person who gets off on the idea of everyone seeing his dick? God, you’re stupid. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this isn’t really so much of a rant so much as a thought I had about all the LOST STUFF that people never see again. And how I wonder what happens next to it. Like, I lost a HAT today and went back to look for it, but it was just gone, and I wondered if it got picked up, or thrown out, or what happened to it. It’s a bit SAD to think someone might suddenly be loving something that someone else is sad to have lost. I had that had for years. It was my dad’s. Shit. I hope someone else picked it up and takes care of it. It was always a bit too big for me, Anyway, it’s sad. I’m a bit fucked up right now. Not because of the hat, or anything. Just because it’s Saturday. Anyway, if you found a hat, sort of floppy-brimmed brown hat, let me know. Sometimes people put things they find on parking meters so the person who lost it might see it if they come back that way. That didn’t happen with my hat. I’m rambling. Sorry. Bye [BLEEP!]

M I’m sorry for sort of talking low, but I’m sitting on a TOILET in a restaurant men’s room having a dump. And that sets the scene for you. But to my right, that’s where someone wrote I LOVE ROCK SOLID COCK on the wall. And this isn’t even a shitty restaurant, either. It’s fancy. Not fancy-fancy, but fancy for an Italian bistro type place. Not cheap. So I’m now wondering, did some guy, while taking a shit like I am still trying to do think, “I must tell someone I love cock or I’ll explode.” And then he wrote it down like it was that lame secrets web site and suddenly he felt LIBERATED? I just don’t get it. Okay… I need both hands now. Gotta go. Bye. [BLEEP!]


THIS WEEK: Elections, erections, Japanese school boys! PLUS: Karaoke DJ battle heats up!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH


M People are still arguing about the Expos in this city? When I moved here, they warned me Montrealers were kings of holding a GRUDGE, but seriously. Baseball? Like, does anyone under 50 who isn’t an American or a JAPANESE SCHOOL BOY even give a shit about baseball anymore? Please don’t answer. I do not want to know. [BLEEP!]


M Hey guys, I’m the one who pointed out that hypocrisy—or maybe just utter stupidity—of people who wear Expos shirts and hats and stuff. Anyway, thanks to Angry Asshole Number One for calling in to rebut my arguments by making no sense whatsoever, and instead just saying that I must be longing for ANAL SEX. Yes. Good job being a complete homophobe, sports fan. Likely you are not one of the young guys who wears Expos gear, but one of the late-middle-aged sad-sacks who dream of the days when you could still get an ERECTION and you weren’t a just pot-bellied slob with no baseball team to make your pointless life feel worthwhile. Anyway, if you don’t understand how paying the MLB for a shirt representing a club that the MLB destroyed is a bit stupid, then it’s because you’re a lot stupid. [BLEEP!]


M I’ve got a rant to leave.  I find it unfair that some of these LAPTOP KARAOKE DJs can go around to 20 different bars in one night and sell their show for so cheap. It screws it for the rest of us. Like this Schwing guy. It is not fair to the rest of the people out there who actually paid for their karaoke songs, while these guys download stuff. Not cool. [BLEEP!]


F About karaoke. I don’t get it. Why would I want to hear other people sing, when most of them sing BAD? And the food is crap, and the booze that you have to buy—to sit there and listen to THEM? At least now I know why we have to pay exorbitant prices to listen to professional singers. [BLEEP!]


F How do I seriously just hear for the first time and then immediately fall in love with Death Vessel like, literally, in the middle of their Montreal show? Fuck my life. [BLEEP!]


F Hey this is to give a shoutout to crew from Sauvons le Plateau. They’re trying to shut down Les Bobards for noise complaints. Shutting down all the music of a place that has been a Montreal institution for musicians for 20 plus years. I am tired of all this gentrification bullshit. We’re not going to BULLDOZE down St-Laurent Boulevard to build condos. Thank you. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]


M Greetings Rant Line™. On the eve of this next ELECTION, I just had a few musings. You know what, I am an Anglophone living in Quebec all my life and I really liked the PQ a lot better when they were in third place and their leader was a GAY COKEHEAD. Now, they are beginning to make me feel very anxious and uncomfortable. Well you know what I have to say? Pauline, go fuck yourself, you fucking bitch. Go fuck yourself. That is all I have to say today. When I have more, I will share it with you Rant Line™. Cheers. [BLEEP!]


M [same guy, a few days later] Greetings Rant Line. Salut Pauline… [deep sigh]. [BLEEP!]


M Why does it seem like every year, I’ve got to work late into the night drawing up VENN DIAGRAMS of worse and worse political candidates in order to figure out who to vote for in yet another election? I’m so done with it all. Last time, you hear me? After this, I don’t want to know who’s running, and I don’t want to know who wins. Because either way, it isn’t us. [BLEEP!]


M Okay, so  listen up, VIRGIN EYES. Ease up on the hate. Guy wants to walk naked in his apartment, let him. There are plenty—and I mean plenty— of women who strut naked around their apartments, so don’t go man-bashing. And there are a lot of women who strut around all summer with their TITS AND BITS out, but I don’t see any dudes wearing shorter and shorter pants so the tips of their DICKS stick out. Maybe he has a FABRIC ALLERGY. Maybe he doesn’t know anyone can see. But don’t jump straight to hating on every man alive. Bad business. Thanks. I knew I could get that out. [BLEEP!]


F About the GIANT in the apartment who is also walking around nude and the lady can seem him. There’s a lot of men, I don’t know what they think when they look in the mirror. Bald, glasses false teeth, fat. And they want Mrs. America? Hello? [BLEEP!]


M I’m not even sure where to fucking begin. I moved to this city two months ago from Sherbrooke. I fucking love it and I hate it. There is so much fucking shit going on but you need to have money to do that shit. And the only way to get your fucking money is you have to get a fucking stupid job that makes you feel like an ANSWERING MACHINE, and I got fired from that motherfucker. It’s a mixed blessing because now I am fucking broke, jobless and fucking overqualified, man. So much good shit going on but how the fuck can you enjoy it if there’s no fucking time to do it? Because at the end of the day you come back from a fucking job that rips out your SOUL and all your desires and wants and needs, so that you just feel like a fucking machine. You might as well be living in Toronto. [BLEEP!]