THIS WEEK: Quebexico, botulism, the Trudeau honeymoon! PLUS: Man threatens to urinate on Mordecai Richler gazebo!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M So I also went to that Prophets of Rage show, and that thing sucked, man. An $80 ticket to see a rock ‘n’ roll CASH GRAB, with Chuck D fucking dancing around like a FOOL. I’ve seen Public Enemy, and that guy was STOIC on stage, not moving, telling the truth. I give it to B-Real, he did a good job. But other than that, it was a cash grab for young kids that fucking never heard the original Rage. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. I’m calling because I just found out, after 20 years, that Café Cleopatra actually might be a guy strip bar, with TITS and BITS. That’s like bullshit! What if I had had one day been so drunk that I walked in there wanting to see some LADY BITS, and then there was like a COCK in my face? Would I have gone home unscathed? I don’t think so. How has this not been reported on before? That’s some bullshit, Montreal. Get your shit together. If I go to a Toronto strip club, I’m not going to see cock! Fix your shit, Montreal. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I keep reading in the paper, on the internet, all these journalists, NDPers, Conservative, saying, “The Trudeau HONEYMOON ends today.” I want everybody to take note—I want them to write this down—the Trudeau honeymoon ends when Justin Trudeau decides he no longer wants to be prime minister! That’s when it ends. You know why? It was the same thing in 1993 with Jean Chretien—yesterday’s man. What happened? Kim Campbell, down to two seats. 1997? Chretien—he called it to early, he’s going to be punished. He returned with a majority. 2000? Oh yeah, this guy Stockwell Day, on the WATERSKIS—he’s gonna beat him, he’s gonna beat him. And he was annihilated. And all last year—Trudeau is not ready, Trudeau’s going to get destroyed in the debates, Trudeau’s HAIR, Trudeau this, Trudeau that. He fucking destroyed all of them! He fucking destroyed them! So I am telling everyone, a word of warning: Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is going to be a REALITY for at least a decade, and you guys need to deal with it. All the haters, all the angry Conservatives, all the self-righteous bicycle-riding, BIXI-worshipping, granola-eating NDPers—oh my god! Guys, you just got to embrace it. And it’s going to be GREAT. It’s going to be everything you ever dreamed of! It’s going to be… it’s going to be… I can’t even put it into words. I can’t even put it into words. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. Just checking in to make sure that everybody knows that you can’t bring your fucking DOG into a café or a restaurant. I thought everybody knew that. I love dogs, I have a dog, I don’t bring him into restaurants. [BLEEP!]

M This one really makes me scratch my head. That GAZEBO for Mordecai Richler. Really? $750,000? For a gazebo for somebody who already has a library on Parc Avenue and a beautiful mural in the Mile End that was just unveiled. Do we really need to spend that much money on an AUTHOR? For a gazebo? And anyway, couldn’t you do something nicer for him, like, I don’t know, name a bookstore after him? Something? But seriously, a gazebo? I’m never going to use that, except maybe to PISS on it. Seriously, when is anyone going to use a fricking gazebo? [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™ and hello kiddies. Just chiming in on the not-so-beloved coach of Les Canadiens, Mr. Michel Therrien. For all those people who believe that is was UNTRUE that he said Max Pacioretty was the worst captain in the history of le club de hockey Canadiens—it’s bullshit. He definitely did say it. And I quite concur—Max Pacioretty was the worst captain. It is probably the only time I have ever agreed with Michel Therrien. I just wish he had the balls—the CH BALLS—to admit he said it. It’s quite weird, somebody who grew up in ST. LEONARD—and he has no balls! Quite a rare occurrence! Well, Michel Therrien, I have less respect for you today than I even had yesterday, which was not that much to begin with. You are the primary reason that P. K. Subban has gone down to play COUNTRY MUSIC in Nashville. And until you are gone from the organization, I am not watching another game. I’d rather watch DRAGON’S DEN. I’d rather watch reruns of Dragon’s Den, with KEVIN O’LEARY, than watch Michel Therrien behind the bench. I don’t want to watch it. I am out. [BLEEP!]

M Hello my fellow Americans, this is The Donald speaking. The candidate for the presidency of the United States of America. I’ve reconsidered my options about putting a wall across Mexico, since I figure probably every Mexican could crawl under it and get a job wiping our BABIES’ ASSES and picking our vegetables and sifting through our garbage. I propose an alternative. We’re going to send them all to Quebec, in the north. And we’re going to rename Quebec and call it QUEBEXICO. Then they can bring all their beautiful colours and all their cuisine and their sing-songs and their children and all the love that they have to this cold hinterland and change North America’s footprint. Meanwhile, we’ll go down to Mexico and take their resources. What do you think? [BLEEP!]

M (w/British accent, via the seldom-used SpeakPipe feature at Hey. I just wanted to know what the hell is up with all the BOTULISM cases in Canada? If you put “Canada” and “botulism in the news” in Google and do a search, almost every one of your FISH PRODUCTS contains botulism! I really wanted to visit Canada because my friend lives there, but now, there’s no way I’m going to Canada. Ever! I’m even scared to say the word Canada. You should be ashamed of your country. [BLEEP!]


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THIS WEEK: Prophets of Rage, Tragically Hip, testi kebob! PLUS: Pirates should sail the unfrozen seas of the Northwest Passage, woman advises!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M So I went to the Prophets of Rage show last night, and let me tell you, it was at the Bell Center, so the SOUND could have been a little bit better, but aside from that, for the song selection they played, for the mix of Public Enemy, Cypress Hill and Rage Against the Machine, as having never seen Rage Against the Machine live, it was a fucking good show. And fuck you I won’t do what you tell me. [BLEEP!]

M Unfortunately, I was not able to score tickets to the Tragically Hip show in Kingston. But thankfully the band and the CBC put the show on, and I watched it. I turned down the volume on the telly, cranked up the stereo and I watched… THE SHOW. What a show. My god, what a show. Set list impeccable, band on fire, Gordon Downie playing like his life depended on it, like it was his last show ever, but hopefully it wasn’t. I could see the show in a different way, watching it on TV. I could see al the crowd, and I said to myself, these are MY PEOPLE. The Tragically Hip crowd, that’s my people. Even though I wasn’t there with you in Kingston, I was there with you in spirit. All I can say is, Gord, everybody is praying for you and hopefully we get to see ONE LAST SHOW, maybe in Montreal. At Metropolis, or at Club Soda. One more show. I am sure they would love to do it. Anyways, thanks for all the memories, thanks for all the great tunes, thanks for being a great Canadian band who sings about the CANADIAN WAY OF LIFE. And those people in the crowd, all 7,000 of you, and all the 25,000 who were in the city square of Kingston, and all the people who were at the Monkland street festival, those are my people—I feel COMFORTABLE being in a Tragically Hip crowd. Thanks Tragically Hip. You guys rock. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t want to rain on the GREAT CANADIAN FUNERAL PARADE—and I watched that final concert and thought it was pretty good, you know, a nice concert—but I couldn’t help noticing that a whole lot of songs by the Tragically Hip all sound almost exactly the same. I just thought it was my PATRIOTIC DUTY to mention this. [BLEEP!]

F I just read that some kind of LOVE BOAT cruise is going to sail through the NORTHWEST PASSAGE, which should be FROZEN, obviously, and that a bunch of rich people are paying from $20,000 to $120,000 to go on it. I hope that money goes to climate change. Or what would be better, I hope some PIRATES start sailing through the Northwest Passage at the same time and rob the boat or ransack it or KEELHAUL it—or whatever it is pirates do—and steal all their money and JEWELS and give it all to climate change. [BLEEP!]

M Something I noticed yesterday when I was out and about in our lovely city downtown on a beautiful August day: why are so many people wearing CROCS? Especially downtown. Ok, if you are not standing in a GARDEN, doing your gardening, why are you wearing Crocs? Crocs are not meant to be worn as a fashion accessory. It’s a major fashion faux pas! And as for crocs on kids—what, you cannot afford to buy your kid a pair of shoes? You got your little kids out and about wearing Crocs? People, what is wrong with you? Crocs are not meant to be worn if you are not in the garden. And please, buy your kid a pair of shoes. Ah la MARONE. My god. [BLEEP!}

F Ok, so fuck the GUYS WHO NEVER ANSWER BACK. Like, they don’t have the BALLS to tell you that they don’t want to see you no more? Like, fuck them. Really. Is it that difficult to send a text saying, like, “no thank you.” Anyways, that’s my rant. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Well it’s local to North America, but this Trump guy? I had dual citizenship but I’m glad I stuck with Canada. I can’t believe people are taking him seriously. Anyhow, you hear about J-Lo and P-Diddy—what about T-RUMP? Thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M If Hilary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband, how in the hell is she going to satisfy America? And I quote you verbatim from our friend Donald. The Donald. Now with a speech like that—it’s a dog and pony show. Dr. Strangelove. Donald, leave Hilary alone. People, just vote for her, that’s all. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™. So my friend is sitting here with me, we’re at Pizza du Parc on Parc Avenue waiting for some pizza and she’s got a piece of DENTAL FLOSS stuck in her tooth, expressing of when you have CORN at the chalet, which we were just doing, and then she has corn stuck in her teeth and then she tries to get it out with anything and everything, but she can’t, and so then she uses dental floss and now she can’t get the dental floss out, so she’s been walking around with dental floss in her mouth and the toothpick thing doesn’t have toothpicks. So that’s the SITUATION. And she’s visiting from France and she’s having a great time except for this. Ok bye! [BLEEP!]

F So as somebody who grew up with SYRIAN FOOD I was very excited to see the cuisine featured in the latest issue. I can personally attest to its superiority over everything, including Lebanese. In an unrelated opinion: BOWLS are not foods. I keep seeing ads all around for bowls this and bowls that. Bowls are something you make when you have nothing in your fridge. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. Have you ever wondered when you are eating in a Turkish restaurant, when you are eating TESTI KEBOB, how can something be so delicious, so really, really tasty, and look like a SHIT. It looks like it just came out of your dog’s ass. But testi kebob is amazing. I love it. [BLEEP!]


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THIS WEEK: Sheep on the city payroll, the Man Bun Game! PLUS: Pitbulls still perturbing!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Here’s a little FAIRY TALE. Once upon a time, there was a little dog, a Yorkshire Terrier, named Princess. She was a very little dog, weighing about 12 pounds. She was 7 years old. A happy and friendly little dog. She lived in a place called Sherbrooke. Her owners loved her, everyone loved her. Then one day last week, she went out for her morning walk and along came a PITBULL. Now, this pitbull was on a leash, but it still proceeded to attack her. The pitbull grabbed Princess by the neck and strangled and bit her and KILLED her. When the police and SPCA came to get the dead Princess and put her in a box, Princess’s HEAD fell off. The pitbull, meanwhile, was calm and friendly, like nothing had happened. I’m sorry, I did not make this fairy tale up. [BLEEP!]

F Ok, so now Montreal has passed some new dog laws and supposedly there will be a whole new team of INSPECTORS out on the streets giving tickets. But the laws are mainly cracking down on dogs that aren’t registered! Is that the big problem? Sounds like a city cash grab to me. The law should be cracking down on the pitbulls that exist, whether they are registered or not! Especially the ones that still have their BALLS, like that ranter said last time. I mean, the inspectors will also be giving tickets to dogs that aren’t on leashes, which is ok I guess, but I think maybe DISCRIMINATES against friendly dogs. Friendly dogs are not the problem. And a pitbull that is running around off its leash, balls or not, shouldn’t get a ticket—it should be SHOT! My god, let’s have some common sense about this. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I just saw a pitbull with its BALLS. There was a black guy walking it, he looked like a nice guy, and the pitbull looked friendly. It was wagging its tail and a couple of kids even stopped to pet it. Personally, I crossed the street. Who knows when the psychosis in its brain might snap?! It might see another dog, a squirrel, even a kid or person that TRIGGERS that instinct to attack and kill. Honestly, no offense to that guy and his dog, but we will be better off when they are gone. And their balls are gone. [BLEEP]

M Hello Rant Line™. I was very impressed with the rant about PITBULLS, or more to the point, about the owners of pitbulls being somewhat deficient in a variety of ways. In regards to the cops who allegedly BEAT UP and arrested a BLIND MAN in Cote des Neiges a couple of weeks back, as well as a black dude who fixes old cars and was singled out by the cops, here’s what I have to say. Fire all the uneducated cops. Take away their guns. Let them get pitbulls. Then ban all the pitbulls! Hurrah! [BLEEP!]

M Hi there, just wanted to say that today I saw something that I think was GOOD, but I am not totally sure. I was going down St. Joseph, quite far east, and there was a park, and in the park there was a little orange fence and inside the fence were seven SHEEP. I went over to have a look and I was told that these sheep are being EMPLOYED by the city to cut the grass! And that is what they seemed to be doing. But I mean, it was taking them a very long time! They had only cut—eaten—a fairly small patch of grass. If you think about it, it would take them forever to cut all the grass in the city. Longer than forever. Anyway, I am not even sure if this is true, that the city is actually paying sheep to do municipal maintenance? Are there more SHEEP CREWS out there? Or are there only seven sheep currently employed? How much are they getting paid? Nothing against sheep, and the right of sheep to work, but wouldn’t maybe, I dunno, an unemployed student like a chance to be paid to cut some grass? Just thinking out loud here. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I have a question. I heard that everyone in the city is supposed to check to see if they have LEAD PIPES. So I checked my apartment and I think we do! But when I called my LANDLORD, he said… well, he said a few things. He said we did not have lead pipes, but even if we did, it didn’t matter, because the building has been around since 1925 and dozens or hundreds of people have lived here and they all turned out all right! So it doesn’t look like he wants to do anything about it. And I am already starting to feel a bit SICK from the lead [laughs]. So what can are my options here? Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. Don’t get me wrong, I am no fan of Hilary Clinton. But sometimes in life it is better the DEVIL we know than the devil we don’t. Trust me, you don not want a bonehead idiot LUNATIC like Donald Trump in the White House. Make America great again—damn right! But make sure it’s without Donald Trump. JACKASS. BUFFOON. JUGHEAD. Vote for Hilary! I’m Canadian, I can’t vote, but we’ll all be much better off without that bonehead in the White House. Vote Hilary! [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, what’s up, what’s up. I just wanted to chime in on that new Ghostbusters film. I’m sorry, but Ghostbusters are DUDES. Point finale. There is no discussion about this—it’s non-negotiable. Ghostbusters are men. The fierce, the proud, the Ghostbusters. In 1984, Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, and…that black dude there… Ernie Hudson! C’mon, Ghostbusters are male. Nuff said. [BLEEP!]

M Just wanted to let you know I have invented a new game that I think everyone should play. You should probably only play while riding a bike or driving though, it might be dangerous while walking, you never know. Here it is: whenever you see a guy walking down the street with a MAN BUN, shout “MAN BUN! MAN BUN!” You know, in a sing-song voice, but like an ALERT. Try it, it’s fun. It could even help CURB THE TREND. [BLEEP!]


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THIS WEEK: Pitbull balls, purple pants, P.K. Subban! PLUS: Shisha bars and Seal!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M So yeah, I think we all know what to do here. Take our PITBULLS, drop them off at Mayor Coderre’s house, and let him handle them from there. Maybe skip a few FEEDINGS, first. [BLEEP!]

F Well thank god the city is finally going to do something about those stupid, stupid pitbulls and the stupid, stupid people who own them. I saw some guy today with a pitbull—typical guy with a pitbull, he had tattoos, a shaved head, bad teeth and a pitbull—and the stupid dog still had its BALLS on. I felt like getting a pair of scissors and cutting them off on the spot. “Here doggie, nice doggie—SNIP.” The sooner the better, you know? But one thing I don’t understand is why the SPCA is against the city banning them. What are they thinking? I mean, I know the dogs are not all bad, but enough of them are! And I know not all owners are bad, but enough of them are! You think you can EDUCATE these owners? These owners have failed at being educated all their lives—take a look at them! You think they are suddenly going to learn that their dogs are stupid and they are stupid and that their lifestyle choices are completely wrong? Good luck. But anyway, with these pitbulls that are still here—get their balls off them, get muzzles on them—please, enforce this—and stop any new ones from coming in, however you plan to do that. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, I am a born and raised Montrealer living downtown and I would like to know why is it that people can smoke in the SHISHA BARS that are popping up on every corner downtown but we can’t even smoke on a goddamned terrasse? Pretty soon we’re going to need a permit to smoke in our own damn HOUSE. Thank you, have a good day. [BLEEP!]

M This one goods out to the BONEHEAD metro musician, busker, whatever he is—listen buddy, when SEAL joins you on the sidewalk, you don’t sing! You just play the guitar, you accompany Seal. You shut your mouth, you do not sing at all. It’s Seal—you let Seal have the stage! Got it? You let Seal sing. You ruined the moment. You idiot. [BLEEP!]

M Ok, I was going through the Plateau the other day, up to Mile End, and I started to count the number of guys wearing PURPLE PANTS. I got to 10 and then I stopped. Fat guys, skinny guys, all in purple pants. I think that is the colour. Or is it mauve? You know the colour I mean. Will this stop soon? [BLEEP!]

F All this talk about YOGA, all these people doing yoga, running around with rolled up pants—it’s making me feel bad. And I am not even fat. I think I am even reasonably FLEXIBLE. But International Yoga Day, Midnight Yoga, Yoga in the Park, Drop-In Yoga, everyone seems to be doing yoga. I don’t think it was always like this, was it? What did people do before yoga? [BLEEP!]

M Seriously, we should get together and have a FUNERAL MARCH up St. Denis street. The street is dead. They have spent millions of millions of dollars trying to fix it, but they didn’t seem to notice they were killing it. So yeah, a New Orleans style funeral march. Put the street to rest. RIP. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. This one is for Pete Townsend from the Who. I was listening to the album Tommy and I realized that “Pinball Wizard”—such a great song—just ends. It is very, very BORING. Pete, couldn’t you have made it end more spectacular? I expect more from you Pete. Couldn’t you have made it a bit more EXTRAVAGANT? Just a thought. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I just wanted to say that I noticed that Cult Montreal puts a lot of women and even TRANS INDIVIDUALS on the cover more often than not and I just wanted to say keep up the good work. Great. Lovely. Amazing. Have yourselves a great day. [BLEEP!]

M I’ll tell you why P.K. Subban got traded. You heard it here first. Because he got bigger than the BRAND. The Habs are the brand, you can’t get bigger than the brand. It doesn’t matter that the brand sucks, that the brand has not won a CUP since 1993. The brand doesn’t care about Stanley Cups! The brand cares about the bottom line and not ROCKING THE BOAT. The brand is a boring, conservative corporation. An employee stands out, is too flamboyant, too COLOURFUL—the brand gets rid of them! So P.K. is gone and it is back to business as usual. Enjoy the Stanley Cups you will win P.K. You will deserve them. We won’t. The brand won’t. Fuck the brand. [BLEEP!]

M This is concerning the P.K. Subban trade, June 29, 2016. Marc Bergevin, I hope you get BOTULISM and I hope you die! You are a cocksucker, I hope you fucking die! Michel Therrien, take your lips off his cock! You have you lips so far down his cock!! Marc Bergevin, get botulism! Cocksuckers!! [BLEEP!]


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THIS WEEK: No “no smoking,” no Expos, no unemployed horses! PLUS: David Bowie, Johnny Depp, Fish Piss!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

 M Hello Rant Line™. I just want to talk about the new no smoking law—no smoking on terraces. First off, I think it’s stupid, second-hand smoke in the outdoors, gimme a break. Secondly, it’s stupid to introduce this stupid law the week before the GRAND PRIX, when people come to Montreal from all over the world, especially fom Europe, to sit in our terraces and smoke—like they do in Europe. What, are the trying to kill our bars? As any bar or restaurant owner, they do some of the biggest business of the year during the Grand Prix. And last, I heard some government fool boasting that this new law put us in line with the NORM, like in Ontario and B.C. Since when is fucking Ontario the norm for Montreal? The norm for Montreal should be more like the norm for Paris. Everybody loves our so-called European flavor—way to kill it. Morons. [BLEEP!]

F I hate to say this but I am pretty sure the CALECHE HORSES like doing their job. That’s what they know how to do! Now people, the city, whoever, wanted to stop them from doing their job, put them out of work. Well I have news for you, these old horses would not be going to GREENER PASTURES, they would be going to the GLUE FACTORY. These do-gooders, honestly—they do not understand the way that working animals THINK. [BLEEP!]

M Johnny Depp should have stayed with his nice French girl Vanessa instead of hooking up with a younger piece of ass who turned out to be a real piece of work. This is obvious, isn’t it? Stupid old man. [BLEEP!]

 M Greetings Rant Line™. This rant is about David Bowie’s HAIR. That’s right, the Thin White Duke, Ziggy Stardust—the greatest pop star to ever walk the face of the earth. I just want to talk a little bit about his hair. I love his hair. But there were three periods where I really, really enjoyed his hair. The Serious Moonlight tour: amazing. The Glass Spider Tour: something to be reckoned with. And the last tour I saw, Sound and Vision, 1990. Look at that hair! It defies logic! How did he get it to look so perfect? I don’t know. Even Adrien Belew is JEALOUS onstage, looking at his hair. Unbelievable. Anyway I just want to say the Thin White Duke, David Bowie, he had some great hair, man. He was lucky, he had some very great hair. Long live Bowie. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, with all the talk of the Expos coming back to Montreal, it may be a good idea to drop that name: the Expos. I mean, Expo 67 happened like 50 years ago! Come up with another name, something all Montrealers can relate to. Like maybe the Montreal ORANGE CONES. Everybody can relate to that. They could even have an Orange Cone mascot. Youppi was orange, cones are orange, so there could something orange running around on the field. But whatever, dump that name Expos. It’s bad, it makes Montreal look stupid. You have one exhibition, 50 years ago, and you name everything after that? Something new, please. Bring back Montreal baseball, but bring it back under another name. Thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M I concede that I do agree with that fellow’s sentiments about the brother of Fredy Villaneuva and it being a setup by the police. It’s probably the largest legally sanctioned criminal organization that I have ever seen in my life, is our respected boys in blue. God bless them and may I pray for their souls. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I was walking down an alley and found a box of old books and I found this wonderful publication from 1997 called FISH PISS. And it’s chock-a-block full of ANARCHISTIC BOHEMIANS just spouting off. There’s one of these little quote is there, from Fish Piss, that says, “Life is like a porno movie, no matter who you meet, they’ll screw you.” That’s great! Ok. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I’ve never called the Rant Line™ before and I’ve got a lot of rants, but mainly I am calling about AMERICAN IDOL ending. I watch American Idol, and it came to my attention, after I googled it, that the producers of American Idol decided that they wanted to make more profit. So they put out a strict budget that the touring company could not adhere to. So then they decided that rather than make some profit, they would rather make no profit. This just goes to show that typical fucking American CAPITALISM has led to a GREAT SHOW being cancelled! Everyone who has ever worked for an American company, even in this country—in this province, in this freaking city, and I am one of them—has seen what the Americans do. They RAPE US and take our industry and close everything down. And they’re doing it with their own industry in the form of American Idol! I’m just really upset that this would happen, and I don’t think it’s right. Fuck the Americans. [BLEEP!]

 M Listen, who the hell chose Milos as Best Greek? No one can afford to go to that place, you know what I mean? Portugese? No one even mentioned Portugalia. You guys are at the wrong places. On the Greek thing—Tripoli! Park Extension people! Even the Caribbean… Obviously you guys hang out in the Mile End, but this is someone who is FROM the Mile End, I grew up in the Mile End, I’ve been here 30 years, and seen the thing grow up. You need to respect the little places in the neighbourhoods, get out on the streets in the rest of the city. Go out. Go to Montreal North, you’ll find good Caribbean food. Go to Cote des Neiges for Caribbean food. Go to Pointe St. Charles, you might have the best beer in your life. That’s all. [BLEEP!]


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THIS WEEK: Dany Villanueva, Annikin Slade, St-Hubert chicken! PLUS: Plan for skating on the Lachine Canal is doomed, research reveals!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M I love St-Hubert chicken. The way the SKIN comes right off, the beige or brown GRAVY and the half a hamburger bun that I never know why it’s there. I just leave it. I’ve been quite partial to the smoked-meat poutine lately and I love the cute cartoon chicken who wears white gloves. Thank you Rôtisserie St-Hubert. And I want to give a warning to Swiss Chalet, who bought St. Hubert Chicken—if you change one single thing, there will be a REVOLUTION. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. I guess everyone has heard that Dany Villanueva, the brother of Fredy Villanueva, the kid who the cops shot in 2008, got arrested for selling drugs in MONTREAL NORTH. But did everyone hear that there was a DOUBLE AGENT involved? Does anyone else find that suspicious? A double agent? Where I come from, that spells S-E-T-U-P. One thing about the Montreal cops, they are vindictive—like a gang. Someone needs to investigate this. [BLEEP!]

F So I saw in the news they are going to pour all this money into fixing up the Lachine Canal to make it into a BIG SKATING RINK. Sort of like the Rideau Canal. Hello? Have they not heard of GLOBAL WARMING? Did they not see how short the skating season was this year? I did some RESEARCH. The Rideau Canal opened on January 23, and was closed for 16 days after that, and was only open for skating for 18 days! And we are going to waste money to copy this? I think a better idea would be to clean up the Lachine Canal so people could swim in it. That might have a hope. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings and salutations Rant Line™. This is a rant concerning none other than Wolfmother. I enjoyed the first two albums, I have them in my collection, but then I lost track. Apparently they just released their fifth album and I’ve been hearing that track “Victorious” getting a lot of airplay on CHOM. And you know what, Wolfmother? It’s too bad you came back! We learned to live without you, Andrew Stockdale, we got on with life. Now that you’re back, we’ve noticed that your VOICE is really annoying—kind of like JON ANDERSON from Yes. You can take it in small doses, a track here and there—“The Joker and the Thief,” “Woman”—but a whole concert, and hour and a half? Oh my god. Painful, very painful. [BLEEP!]

M [w/questionable hip hop accent] What up ya’ll, it’s your boy Two Stoops. I know that y’all at CULT got the Best of Montreal coming out. Before people go ahead and cast their vote in the hip hop category, I want to say straight up, who the fuck is Annikin Slade? I mean, Annakin, you look like a nice boy, you look like a good guy. I hear you talking about the comeback of the Expos and baseball. Maybe you are Youppi? Is that where you hide, underneath the mask? I mean, aside from your name being a whack Star Wars reference from before those bad movies came out, when there was still a chance that Annakin might be cool, in, like,1993, you could be an ambassador for baseball. You could singlehandedly carry the Montreal Expos back from Washington on the brim of your FITTED. You could pay Rae Kwon and Onyx to be guest Expos on your dream team. But the one thing you can’t really do is rap. So to everybody reading this who thinks Annikin Slade is the choice for best rapper in Montreal, we know the truth—Annikin, you’re on the YOUPPI DICK, stuck in the 90s. You didn’t even rap in the 90s—you were at the baseball games! Before anyone goes and casts a vote for a boy named Annikin, take a look at what’s going on around you and vote with your conscience. This is your boy Two Stoops. [BLEEP!]

F Why is it that if somebody throws some old National Geographics in the lane and you pick them up, people think you’re a garbage collector? But if the exact same stuff—or RAT-BITTEN CRATES or junk furniture—lands in a kitschy store, then it’s precious cargo worth TLC and a place of honour? [BLEEP!]

M If I hear one more time how RONALD REAGAN loved his goddamed wife I swear to god I’m going to HURL. It’s enough already! We get it, okay, he loved his wife. Big fucking shit! I don’t give a goddamn, I don’t want to hear this, okay? Ronald Reagan loved his wife—okay, beautiful. Now get over it! Ciao. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I just don’t understand why people think BREASTFEEDING in public is such a horrible thing. It’s a child! It’s not like the mother is doing it to just piss you off, it is because the child needs to be fucking nurtured! There is no reason that people should be angry about it. If you get offended by it—Jesus Christ, I can’t even explain how angry this makes me! A couple of weeks ago I saw a lady breastfeeding in public and she got yelled at and told to leave the restaurant. They were in the back of the restaurant, the child had been SCREAMING. Would you rather have the child screaming or would you rather have the baby shut up and actually be taken care of? I just don’t understand this. [BLEEP!]

F Positivity positively smells of desperation. Relax. Life is a bitch. And so is luck. [BLEEP!]

M With the inception of the internet, everybody jumped on the bandwagon thinking that this was EL DORADO, the road to fame and fortune. Now the pendulum has swung back and everyone is saddled with the burden of becoming coopted by a system that is like a RATTLESNAKE biting the recipient in the ass. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]


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THIS WEEK: Ozzy, Ezrin, Trump, Malcolm Turnbull! PLUS: The kid in high school who looked like Kurt Cobain!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

 M Greetings Rant Line™. You know what I did when the half time came on at the Super Bowl? I took a MAJOR DUMP because I get more pleasure out of that than watching that piece-of-shit band Coldplay, who makes me sick to my stomach—I want to vomit right now, I think I’m going to put my finger in my mouth and vomit—they suck so bad. And another thing, while I’m at it, I was thinking about going to see Black Sabbath at the Bell Center and then I quickly came back to reality. I saw some footage of OZZY from last year—I ain’t gonna pay money to look at that. That’s bullshit. I’d rather watch a DVD from 1978 Hammersmith Odeon, with Bill Ward on drums, the real Black Sabbath, than pay good hard-earned cash to go see this OLD FOOL wearing EYELINER making an idiot of himself. I would rather listen to the albums when he had a good voice—now he doesn’t even remember the words! I’m going to pay all that money just to see Tony Iommi? I don’t think so, man. Bullshit, man. The way Sharon Osborne WHORES him out every night is really pathetic. Ozzy, it’s time for you to leave the party. Fifteen, 20 years ago. Go home, Oz, it’s over. It’s over. [BLEEP!]

 F Montreal is great! It’s 4 a.m. and there is tons of stuff going on and there are even some bars still open. I know this is because it is the Nuit Blanche night and it doesn’t happen all the time, but this is a special city! I am not just saying this because I am a little bit DRUNK and HIGH. We don’t have anything like this where I come from, and my city is more famous than yours. Seriously, Montreal people, you should do this all the time. Keep everything open, especially the bars. Put yourselves on the map! Bonjour, Montreal! [BLEEP!]

 M I don’t care about Kanye West vs. Taylor Swift or Kanye West vs. Amber Rose—I don’t know who Amber Rose is, really—or who stuck her FINGERS UP HIS ASS, but I think Kanye West should stay the fuck away from our great Canadian music producer Bob Ezrin. This is a guy who did the first Aerosmith album and all the great Alice Cooper albums! Right there that is better than anything Kanye West has done. And he did many more, not all of them great but many of them are still better than anything Kanye West has done. It’s not like I’m super-patriotic or anything—you want to pick on a Canadian producer, go after David Foster for doing Celine Dion or, I dunno, Bruce Fairburn for doing LOVERBOY and Bon Jovi. But leave Bob Ezrin the fuck alone. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

 M That BOWIE rant got me thinking about back in the 90s, and people who went to school in west end NDG. Does anyone remember a dude who looked and carried himself exactly like KURT fucking COBAIN? He had the alternating hair dye jobs, the toilet bowl glasses. Seemingly every stitch of clothing this guy owned was as close to if not exactly carbon copy of something you would see in a poster of photo of Nirvana and Kurt Cobain. He’d hang around the Moon restaurant, and nobody knew who the fuck he was, either. There was a bunch of different kids and cliques from schools and private schools around the area, and then this one dude. Dirt Nobrain, I like to call him, because he looked like a real fucking lose-bag. Now maybe that’s just because I was a teenager back then, but in hindsight, he still looked kind of like a lose-bag—a walking homage to Cobain. Anyway, what was the deal with that guy, anybody remember? Calling out Royal West, College Prep, Loyola, Villa Maria, Sacred Heart. Who knew the Cobain knockoff? Nobain, we could call him, more maturely, in our 30s. Rock and roll lives forever. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. As an American citizen who has been living here for a few years, I would just like to say I APOLOGIZE for Donald Trump. Please don’t think that all of us Americans are buffoons or CONMEN or racist bullies. And don’t worry, he won’t win. But if he does, can I stay here? [BLEEP!]

 F I don’t know if you saw this or not, but the guy who DECAPITATED a passenger on a Greyhound Bus and then ATE parts of his BODY six years ago is being allowed to go out of the hospital on his own now. He can just go for strolls, wander around, watch the people walk by, watch the buses drive by. This was only six years ago he did this. You know, the fact that he is out on his own walking around, and not in SOLITARY CONFINEMENT in a maximum security jail—I don’t know if this makes us a great country, or a crazy one. I did read that the mother of the guy who lost his head is not too happy. [BLEEP!]

M I had a dream that there was a witch living at the bottom of the mountain in a Batman’s cave with a KRYPTONITE CLITORIS waiting for Superman to come, so she could devour him. [BLEEP!]

 F I saw there was a QUIDDITCH tournament this weekend, you know, Harry Potter quidditch. It was in Lachine, for some reason, although I am pretty sure there is nowhere like HOGWART’S in Lachine, or even close. But anyway, I thought, well, this is a fun idea, I wonder how it works. But then I looked at a few pictures of them playing, and the thing is, with the broomsticks—well, obviously they can’t fly on them, but what they have to do is run around with the STICKS between their legs! I can’t be the only one who thinks this looks ridiculous, and also somewhat PHALLIC? True, it is boys and girls playing together, but still—they are playing with big sticks between their legs. Someone should invent a flying broomstick—I can’t believe no one has already—so they can play the game properly. They could make the broomsticks fly low to the ground so no one gets hurt. That can’t be that hard to invent, can it? [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I just wanted to say that I finished watching the movie Carol and right now I am thinking about being a character in that movie. Only not having a lesbian relationship, because it’s not really my thing. More like having a taboo love affair with a sugar daddy, and he looks like MALCOLM TURNBULL. Thank you, that’s all. [BLEEP!]


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THIS WEEK: The man who loved women, the kid in high school who looked like Bowie! PLUS: Jian Ghomeshi welcoming committee ready to roll!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hey Jian Ghomeshi. How you doing bud? This is the boys in Cell Block # 9. Just wanted to let you know we’re waiting for you to get here. We got the welcoming committee and the CRISCO OIL all ready. It’s gonna be a hell of a good time, bud. Oh, and you can bring Big Ears Teddy too. The more the merrier, right? See you soon, Jian. [BLEEP!]

 M Greetings Rant Line™, I want to share a story with you about the late great David Bowie. The Thin White Duke, Ziggy, etc. Back in high school, back in the 80s, there was THIS KID. Nobody knew his name, but he had David Bowie’s HAIRCUT. So everybody in the school would always go, “Hey look, there goes Bowie!” or “There’s Bowie eating his lunch.” When I look back on it, what an HONOUR to be bestowed upon this kid! Nobody knew his REAL NAME, but what a great honour—to be called one of the greatest, most influential entertainers that we will ever see. Someone who had such an imprint on society, on art. We were all very fortunate to have had David Bowie in our lives, and I just want to say thanks. I spent three nights in concert with Davie Bowie and I’ll remember that forever and ever. One night I could almost TOUCH him, I was so close to him. I’ll treasure these memories. The Thin White Duke has left us but his music will be with us forever. Thanks, Bowie. [BLEEP!]

M Isn’t it somewhat ironic that Bell is running a mental health campaign when there are few things in this country that drive people CRAZIER than having to deal with Bell? [BLEEP!]

M (w/German accent, seemingly real) Yeah, hey, this is probably the WORLDEST OLDEST RAMMSTEIN FAN. I am 62 so as you probably understand, I certainly don’t mind dynamic music. But this fellow Dom Castelli, in Cult in December, he is whining about the former Jailhouse Rock venue on Mount Royal and Clark. He is crying the usual CROCODILE TEARS. Jailhouse Rock is certainly not missed in this area, and it had nothing to do with real music promotion. It was just a NOISE SOURCE. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

F Why may I ask why are they draining our senses by replacing the calm and marvellous voice of Keri Yager doing traffic reports with that DRASTIC BEAST Orla Johannes. Thanks a bunch. Now we have to be on high alert to avoid this talking calamity. By the way, did you notice that whenever Orla does the traffic report, there are always significantly more accidents? [BLEEP!]

M Hello, did I hear this right? Montreal is going to spend $39.5-million to LIGHT UP the Jacques Cartier bridge? Are they insane? Here’s an idea, how about for the birthday, we get some ROADWORK. It’s like being in a HORSE-AND-BUGGY, driving on our fucking streets. This is not good money management. [BLEEP!]

F Hello Rant Line™, this is my rant. I think that Montreal should ban PLASTIC BAGS. Plastic everything, altogether. We could be totally ahead of the curve if we did that. We’ve got plastic the size of TEXAS floating in our ocean and pretty soon there is going to be more plastic than there will be FISH. And it’s all coming from us! We’re shipping our plastic overseas and they’re dumping it in the water—if everyone started bringing their own bags every time they shopped, instead of this STUPID IDEA that they’re going to charge you five cents. Charging five cents, that is just a stupid way for these stupid stores to make more money, and it doesn’t stop the plastic bags. Plastic bags are everywhere, particularly those hideous GREY bags that are so thick and plastic-y. Plastic should just be banned! Bye. [BLEEP!]

F I am an artist and filmmaker and I am utterly disappointed with the festival circuit and the creative community that keeps standing behind the film OF THE NORTH. Since when did documentary filmmaking—avant-garde or not—became about perpetuating ignorance? There are ETHICS in art and documentary filmmaking. Yes, there are ethics even in MASH-UP ART. For one, do not call the film a mash-up of the North, when 30 per cent of the footage is from other areas of the world. How is Dominic Gagnon even getting away with that? Art and filmmaking are ultimately about gaining deeper knowledge and understanding of the subjects we explore—creating a lazy sensationalist mash-up based on shallow uninformed observations is not art, it is ignorance. However, we all make mistakes, and we all have our BLINDSPOTS. So when the indigenous community which the mash-up claims to represent on screen complains about the misrepresentation, it is crucial to listen, to try to understand and to acknowledge your mistake, not to dismiss those people as NOT enlightened artists. The people who raised their voices are the Inuit creative leaders of today. Women and men who are well respected, avant-garde artists themselves. Or how about when you get a petition outlining the fundamental problems with the film with more then 1000 signatures and you still choose to show the film? Artists and cultural organizations that refuse to question and expand their own understanding of NON-WHITE CULTURE perpetuate colonialism and ignorance—the opposite of what any documentary filmmaker, documentary festival, artist or self-respecting cultural organization should be doing. [BLEEP!]

M Yo man, I just want to have fucking sex with EVERY GIRL, dude. I just want to fucking suck on the TITTIES of every fucking woman. All the beautiful chicks, man, I can’t just have one girl! Who the fuck can have one girl? I want every girl! I want to be smothered by fucking tits—that’s how I want to go out, man. I just want to fucking have fucking titties all over my face at all times. I want to have beautiful ASSES on my face. I want to eat the pussy of all the beautiful women. I just want to fucking cum on every fucking woman’s fucking chest and fucking make love to all of them! Oh my god!! Ok, bye. [BLEEP!]


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THIS WEEK: Les Bobards, FetLife, the worst song ever by a Montreal band! PLUS: Dress code for taxi drivers described as absurd!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hi, this one is for Diaper Boy. Just wanted to let you know that maybe it would be a better idea if you STFU about the F-E-T-L-I-F-E. As if I needed more weirdos and pervs trolls on that page. I’d say it’s best to leave the uninitiated uninitiated. [BLEEP!]

M RIP Les Bobards. I mean, it was never that great a place, sort of GROTTY… well, maybe let’s say GRITTY, this is an obituary, I need to be respectful. So yeah, gritty. And sometimes sketchy too I guess. But anyway it had PEANUTS. And it was a place for musicians to play and the staff was nice enough. And fuck, it was open for 25 years. So now it’s shut down, supposedly because of crazy and KILLJOY NOISE LAWS, and will be replaced by… what? A stupid shitty restaurant that will fail? An overpriced furniture store with ugly uncomfortable sofas? An ugly office space that tries to get people to buy ugly shitty QUIET condos? Not anything better I don’t think. RIP. [BLEEP!]

M Ok, I just heard that because of climate change there’s going to be NO ICE for outdoor skating rinks soon in Montreal. Well, by 2050 or something. Anyway, I hope the Habs have finally won a Stanley Cup by then or they are going to really suck because no French-Canadian kids who know how to skate. [BLEEP!]

F P.K. Subban thinks he is a LADIES MAN and a FASHION PLATE. Is he? The picture of him straddling that hockey stick makes him look like a WITCH riding a BROOM. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. I just had a few musings here about “Reflektor,” the Arcade Fire track. I just want to note it as the worst song to ever come out of Montreal. The worst song ever by a Montreal band! And that is saying quite a bit, because Men Without Hats put out many albums with a lot of stinkers. And don’t forget Slaves on Dope—god-awful. But nothing—nothing—compares to “Reflektor.” Cheers. [BLEEP!]

M Anything Adele is fit for DOOMSDAY. [BLEEP!]

M Fucking government, I just heard they banned SMOKING on Montreal terrasses. I mean, is that really necessary? Is it really that much of a health hazard? Time to move to Thailand. [BLEEP!]

F Hello Rant Line™. I just called to say that as someone who takes a fair number of taxis in the downtown area, I think the new DRIVER REGULATIONS that the city has passed are absurd. I don’t care if my driver is wearing jeans or a baseball cap—I care that he has his eyes on the road and takes me to where I want to go. Without getting sidetracked or lost-on-purpose. I care that he doesn’t ASSAULT me—it’s not going to make me feel better if he does that in a WHITE SHIRT and BLACK PANTS. And I also prefer it if the driver stays in the car, in the front seat. I don’t particularly want him to get out of the car and open the door for me! And by the way, every single taxi driver I have talked to about this thinks it is incredibly stupid. They hardly make any money to start with, they work all day and night, and Uber is killing them. And now some do-gooder from city hall is going to put them in black pants. You want to worry about dress codes, worry about the frigging cops. [BLEEP!]

M All that shit in the Fleuve St-Laurent. Shit, shit, shit. Seriously, we should have thrown the mayor in to swim in with all the shit. SHITHEAD. [BLEEP!]

M Oh my god. I am referring to the billions of litres of SEWAGE WATER that was dumped in the St. Lawrence River. I was at a FISH MARKET about 20 years ago down at the foot of the river and they were selling salmon, and they had been pulled out of the St. Lawrence and they had SORES all over them. And they were selling them legally. This was 20 years ago—already they were completely deranged biologically. What kind of a cesspool of a government are we absorbing? Find a quarry somewhere up in St. Eustache and take the trains that weren’t burnt at Lac Megantic and carry that shit up there and bury it. Fuck. I’m drinking my own URINE, just in case. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is the guy who left the message about the BREASTFEEDING BRACELET that had been stolen… apparently. Well, we found it. So I’d like to apologize for that EMBARASSING OUTBURST of horrible negativity. Peace and love be upon me. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is a rant about the depanneur on Beaubien and [names cross street]. There’s graffiti all over it. There has been graffiti all over it for as long as I can remember—at least five years. The people who own it are some of the RUDEST people I’ve ever met. All they do is sit out in front of it and hang out and smoke and talk shit. Why don’t they paint over the fucking graffiti and help bring the neighbourhood to life a little bit? This could apply to any depanneur that just lets the environment go to shit. Fuck you. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I want to really applaud the GARBAGE initiative down in the South-West. All these signs and arrows and stickers, really SHAMING people who put their shit out there before garbage day. That’s great. But now, can we move to the part where you write these fucks some fucking tickets? Because I am sick of the diapers, chickens, WATERMELONS, flies and pools of bacteria on my street. It’s particularly bad in the summer, but stepping in a dirty fucking diaper is no fun year-round. The initiative is great, but follow through. Although I did find a $5 bill on the street the other day—that kind of garbage is ok. [BLEEP!]


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THIS WEEK: A breastfeeding bracelet and a GIGANTIC WART go missing! PLUS: Would you rather be a caleche horse or a penguin in the Biodome!?

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Yes, hi, this Diaper Boy. Fetish nights? Get you ass on FetLife, there are tons of them! You’ll find them all up there, you just have to get on your computer, type in and you’ll find tons and tons and tons. You will not know what to do with yourself, I swear. If you’re BEMOANING the lack of fetish nights in Montreal, I think it’s probably because you’re a bit of a LUDDITE. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this rant goes out to whoever stole my wife’s BREASTFEEDING BRACELET while we were having an open house to show our apartment on the weekend. You’re a fucking scumbag. Maybe I’m wrong to do this, but I’m assuming it was a woman who did this because no man would steal a woman’s fucking breastfeeding bracelet from her nightside table. Let me tell you something, that’s the shittiest move you could pull. Anyway, I won’t go into the details about how you are ripping off new parents and new mothers because that was obvious—you were in our home. Let this be a message to you. Let you be cursed for your thievery, whoever you are. [BLEEP!]

M Yo Rant Line™, what’s up? Welcome to the season of Didier Drogba! Can you feel it? Arrivederci! [BLEEP!]

F I am looking at a picture of Mélanie Joly with no GIGANTIC WART on her face. So what are we to think of her candidacy when her picture itself is a washed-out lie? [BLEEP!]

M What’s with all the young coke dealers in British Columbia, Canada? [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I want to make a comment about people standing in line at grocery stores, just to pay for one item, and people complaining about it. Well, first of all, it’s CHEAPER than the depanneur. Second of all, when I go to Couche Tard, it’s the old “Is that all? Is that all??” Yeah, I think we know what we want. Do they want us to buy the whole store? And the employees are at the cash, I noticed, but nobody’s on the floor to help you find anything any more. And most of the depanneurs are owned by CHINESE, and they are always LAUGHING. I used to think it was because they were polite but I figured out that when you ask them a question or try to talk to them they just laugh like it’s ignorant, they want you to leave! I think of all the years they’ve been here, they would have at least picked up “hello” in English or French, or “thank you”? No. There you go. Good day. [BLEEP!]

F Even worse than the people standing in line at grocery stores just to pay for one item, delaying everybody and being annoying, are the people who in grocery stores or depanneurs or coffee places or anywhere buy one item—like one small coffee or one pack of gum—and pay for that one item with a debit card. Would it really kill you to carry actual money, some CHANGE? So we don’t all have to wait? Or did you give all your change to the homeless guy outside? I don’t think so. I think that you have no actual real money, you don’t work, you are a SPOILED STUDENT or trust fund baby, and you just use the card to take the money out of an account that your parents keep pumping their hard-earned money into! And whatever happened to the rule that you cannot spend less than $5 to be able to use a card? Isn’t it ILLEGAL? [BLEEP!]

M Hi I’d like to make a commentary about the social function of GARAGE SALES, and the usage of them to help bridge isolation owing to technology and the trens that I see. I am from an OLD GENERATION, and that means a car was a car, a dollar was a dollar and life was little simpler. People communicated without hiding behind these screens. But why I am talking about garage sales is because THE AUTHORITIES came and broke up a garage sale today. For me it was a sign of killing communication between people, because of function of a garage sale is to extend communication beyond blue screens. It was a sad sad sight to see. They got a fine. I am sorry—this hurts me and weighs heavily on heart. Also, why are there no musicians playing on the street? Why are there no painters painting in the park? Where are we going with this? [BLEEP!]

F You ever wonder what other people are thinking? They are all just thinking, what are other people thinking. This is the closest human beings will ever come to understanding each other. [BLEEP!]

 F Why isn’t anybody SQUAWKING about the penguins at the Biodome? Last time I saw them they were cooped up forever behind panes of glass, nowhere to go. Some gawkers crammed together were fixated on these quasi-birds with clipped wings, and it was feeding time and someone with a lab coat walked into their dimly lit setting with a metal bucket of fish. These penguins sit around like effigies of themselves, neither dead or alive. Why not put out dummy penguins in their place? I would rather be a CALECHE HORSE any day than a penguin at the Biodome. [BLEEP!]


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