THIS WEEK: The man who loved women, the kid in high school who looked like Bowie! PLUS: Jian Ghomeshi welcoming committee ready to roll!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hey Jian Ghomeshi. How you doing bud? This is the boys in Cell Block # 9. Just wanted to let you know we’re waiting for you to get here. We got the welcoming committee and the CRISCO OIL all ready. It’s gonna be a hell of a good time, bud. Oh, and you can bring Big Ears Teddy too. The more the merrier, right? See you soon, Jian. [BLEEP!]

 M Greetings Rant Line™, I want to share a story with you about the late great David Bowie. The Thin White Duke, Ziggy, etc. Back in high school, back in the 80s, there was THIS KID. Nobody knew his name, but he had David Bowie’s HAIRCUT. So everybody in the school would always go, “Hey look, there goes Bowie!” or “There’s Bowie eating his lunch.” When I look back on it, what an HONOUR to be bestowed upon this kid! Nobody knew his REAL NAME, but what a great honour—to be called one of the greatest, most influential entertainers that we will ever see. Someone who had such an imprint on society, on art. We were all very fortunate to have had David Bowie in our lives, and I just want to say thanks. I spent three nights in concert with Davie Bowie and I’ll remember that forever and ever. One night I could almost TOUCH him, I was so close to him. I’ll treasure these memories. The Thin White Duke has left us but his music will be with us forever. Thanks, Bowie. [BLEEP!]

M Isn’t it somewhat ironic that Bell is running a mental health campaign when there are few things in this country that drive people CRAZIER than having to deal with Bell? [BLEEP!]

M (w/German accent, seemingly real) Yeah, hey, this is probably the WORLDEST OLDEST RAMMSTEIN FAN. I am 62 so as you probably understand, I certainly don’t mind dynamic music. But this fellow Dom Castelli, in Cult in December, he is whining about the former Jailhouse Rock venue on Mount Royal and Clark. He is crying the usual CROCODILE TEARS. Jailhouse Rock is certainly not missed in this area, and it had nothing to do with real music promotion. It was just a NOISE SOURCE. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

F Why may I ask why are they draining our senses by replacing the calm and marvellous voice of Keri Yager doing traffic reports with that DRASTIC BEAST Orla Johannes. Thanks a bunch. Now we have to be on high alert to avoid this talking calamity. By the way, did you notice that whenever Orla does the traffic report, there are always significantly more accidents? [BLEEP!]

M Hello, did I hear this right? Montreal is going to spend $39.5-million to LIGHT UP the Jacques Cartier bridge? Are they insane? Here’s an idea, how about for the birthday, we get some ROADWORK. It’s like being in a HORSE-AND-BUGGY, driving on our fucking streets. This is not good money management. [BLEEP!]

F Hello Rant Line™, this is my rant. I think that Montreal should ban PLASTIC BAGS. Plastic everything, altogether. We could be totally ahead of the curve if we did that. We’ve got plastic the size of TEXAS floating in our ocean and pretty soon there is going to be more plastic than there will be FISH. And it’s all coming from us! We’re shipping our plastic overseas and they’re dumping it in the water—if everyone started bringing their own bags every time they shopped, instead of this STUPID IDEA that they’re going to charge you five cents. Charging five cents, that is just a stupid way for these stupid stores to make more money, and it doesn’t stop the plastic bags. Plastic bags are everywhere, particularly those hideous GREY bags that are so thick and plastic-y. Plastic should just be banned! Bye. [BLEEP!]

F I am an artist and filmmaker and I am utterly disappointed with the festival circuit and the creative community that keeps standing behind the film OF THE NORTH. Since when did documentary filmmaking—avant-garde or not—became about perpetuating ignorance? There are ETHICS in art and documentary filmmaking. Yes, there are ethics even in MASH-UP ART. For one, do not call the film a mash-up of the North, when 30 per cent of the footage is from other areas of the world. How is Dominic Gagnon even getting away with that? Art and filmmaking are ultimately about gaining deeper knowledge and understanding of the subjects we explore—creating a lazy sensationalist mash-up based on shallow uninformed observations is not art, it is ignorance. However, we all make mistakes, and we all have our BLINDSPOTS. So when the indigenous community which the mash-up claims to represent on screen complains about the misrepresentation, it is crucial to listen, to try to understand and to acknowledge your mistake, not to dismiss those people as NOT enlightened artists. The people who raised their voices are the Inuit creative leaders of today. Women and men who are well respected, avant-garde artists themselves. Or how about when you get a petition outlining the fundamental problems with the film with more then 1000 signatures and you still choose to show the film? Artists and cultural organizations that refuse to question and expand their own understanding of NON-WHITE CULTURE perpetuate colonialism and ignorance—the opposite of what any documentary filmmaker, documentary festival, artist or self-respecting cultural organization should be doing. [BLEEP!]

M Yo man, I just want to have fucking sex with EVERY GIRL, dude. I just want to fucking suck on the TITTIES of every fucking woman. All the beautiful chicks, man, I can’t just have one girl! Who the fuck can have one girl? I want every girl! I want to be smothered by fucking tits—that’s how I want to go out, man. I just want to fucking have fucking titties all over my face at all times. I want to have beautiful ASSES on my face. I want to eat the pussy of all the beautiful women. I just want to fucking cum on every fucking woman’s fucking chest and fucking make love to all of them! Oh my god!! Ok, bye. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: Les Bobards, FetLife, the worst song ever by a Montreal band! PLUS: Dress code for taxi drivers described as absurd!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hi, this one is for Diaper Boy. Just wanted to let you know that maybe it would be a better idea if you STFU about the F-E-T-L-I-F-E. As if I needed more weirdos and pervs trolls on that page. I’d say it’s best to leave the uninitiated uninitiated. [BLEEP!]

M RIP Les Bobards. I mean, it was never that great a place, sort of GROTTY… well, maybe let’s say GRITTY, this is an obituary, I need to be respectful. So yeah, gritty. And sometimes sketchy too I guess. But anyway it had PEANUTS. And it was a place for musicians to play and the staff was nice enough. And fuck, it was open for 25 years. So now it’s shut down, supposedly because of crazy and KILLJOY NOISE LAWS, and will be replaced by… what? A stupid shitty restaurant that will fail? An overpriced furniture store with ugly uncomfortable sofas? An ugly office space that tries to get people to buy ugly shitty QUIET condos? Not anything better I don’t think. RIP. [BLEEP!]

M Ok, I just heard that because of climate change there’s going to be NO ICE for outdoor skating rinks soon in Montreal. Well, by 2050 or something. Anyway, I hope the Habs have finally won a Stanley Cup by then or they are going to really suck because no French-Canadian kids who know how to skate. [BLEEP!]

F P.K. Subban thinks he is a LADIES MAN and a FASHION PLATE. Is he? The picture of him straddling that hockey stick makes him look like a WITCH riding a BROOM. [BLEEP!]

M Greetings Rant Line™. I just had a few musings here about “Reflektor,” the Arcade Fire track. I just want to note it as the worst song to ever come out of Montreal. The worst song ever by a Montreal band! And that is saying quite a bit, because Men Without Hats put out many albums with a lot of stinkers. And don’t forget Slaves on Dope—god-awful. But nothing—nothing—compares to “Reflektor.” Cheers. [BLEEP!]

M Anything Adele is fit for DOOMSDAY. [BLEEP!]

M Fucking government, I just heard they banned SMOKING on Montreal terrasses. I mean, is that really necessary? Is it really that much of a health hazard? Time to move to Thailand. [BLEEP!]

F Hello Rant Line™. I just called to say that as someone who takes a fair number of taxis in the downtown area, I think the new DRIVER REGULATIONS that the city has passed are absurd. I don’t care if my driver is wearing jeans or a baseball cap—I care that he has his eyes on the road and takes me to where I want to go. Without getting sidetracked or lost-on-purpose. I care that he doesn’t ASSAULT me—it’s not going to make me feel better if he does that in a WHITE SHIRT and BLACK PANTS. And I also prefer it if the driver stays in the car, in the front seat. I don’t particularly want him to get out of the car and open the door for me! And by the way, every single taxi driver I have talked to about this thinks it is incredibly stupid. They hardly make any money to start with, they work all day and night, and Uber is killing them. And now some do-gooder from city hall is going to put them in black pants. You want to worry about dress codes, worry about the frigging cops. [BLEEP!]

M All that shit in the Fleuve St-Laurent. Shit, shit, shit. Seriously, we should have thrown the mayor in to swim in with all the shit. SHITHEAD. [BLEEP!]

M Oh my god. I am referring to the billions of litres of SEWAGE WATER that was dumped in the St. Lawrence River. I was at a FISH MARKET about 20 years ago down at the foot of the river and they were selling salmon, and they had been pulled out of the St. Lawrence and they had SORES all over them. And they were selling them legally. This was 20 years ago—already they were completely deranged biologically. What kind of a cesspool of a government are we absorbing? Find a quarry somewhere up in St. Eustache and take the trains that weren’t burnt at Lac Megantic and carry that shit up there and bury it. Fuck. I’m drinking my own URINE, just in case. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is the guy who left the message about the BREASTFEEDING BRACELET that had been stolen… apparently. Well, we found it. So I’d like to apologize for that EMBARASSING OUTBURST of horrible negativity. Peace and love be upon me. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is a rant about the depanneur on Beaubien and [names cross street]. There’s graffiti all over it. There has been graffiti all over it for as long as I can remember—at least five years. The people who own it are some of the RUDEST people I’ve ever met. All they do is sit out in front of it and hang out and smoke and talk shit. Why don’t they paint over the fucking graffiti and help bring the neighbourhood to life a little bit? This could apply to any depanneur that just lets the environment go to shit. Fuck you. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I want to really applaud the GARBAGE initiative down in the South-West. All these signs and arrows and stickers, really SHAMING people who put their shit out there before garbage day. That’s great. But now, can we move to the part where you write these fucks some fucking tickets? Because I am sick of the diapers, chickens, WATERMELONS, flies and pools of bacteria on my street. It’s particularly bad in the summer, but stepping in a dirty fucking diaper is no fun year-round. The initiative is great, but follow through. Although I did find a $5 bill on the street the other day—that kind of garbage is ok. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: A breastfeeding bracelet and a GIGANTIC WART go missing! PLUS: Would you rather be a caleche horse or a penguin in the Biodome!?

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Yes, hi, this Diaper Boy. Fetish nights? Get you ass on FetLife, there are tons of them! You’ll find them all up there, you just have to get on your computer, type in F-E-T-L-I-F-E.com and you’ll find tons and tons and tons. You will not know what to do with yourself, I swear. If you’re BEMOANING the lack of fetish nights in Montreal, I think it’s probably because you’re a bit of a LUDDITE. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this rant goes out to whoever stole my wife’s BREASTFEEDING BRACELET while we were having an open house to show our apartment on the weekend. You’re a fucking scumbag. Maybe I’m wrong to do this, but I’m assuming it was a woman who did this because no man would steal a woman’s fucking breastfeeding bracelet from her nightside table. Let me tell you something, that’s the shittiest move you could pull. Anyway, I won’t go into the details about how you are ripping off new parents and new mothers because that was obvious—you were in our home. Let this be a message to you. Let you be cursed for your thievery, whoever you are. [BLEEP!]

M Yo Rant Line™, what’s up? Welcome to the season of Didier Drogba! Can you feel it? Arrivederci! [BLEEP!]

F I am looking at a picture of Mélanie Joly with no GIGANTIC WART on her face. So what are we to think of her candidacy when her picture itself is a washed-out lie? [BLEEP!]

M What’s with all the young coke dealers in British Columbia, Canada? [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I want to make a comment about people standing in line at grocery stores, just to pay for one item, and people complaining about it. Well, first of all, it’s CHEAPER than the depanneur. Second of all, when I go to Couche Tard, it’s the old “Is that all? Is that all??” Yeah, I think we know what we want. Do they want us to buy the whole store? And the employees are at the cash, I noticed, but nobody’s on the floor to help you find anything any more. And most of the depanneurs are owned by CHINESE, and they are always LAUGHING. I used to think it was because they were polite but I figured out that when you ask them a question or try to talk to them they just laugh like it’s ignorant, they want you to leave! I think of all the years they’ve been here, they would have at least picked up “hello” in English or French, or “thank you”? No. There you go. Good day. [BLEEP!]

F Even worse than the people standing in line at grocery stores just to pay for one item, delaying everybody and being annoying, are the people who in grocery stores or depanneurs or coffee places or anywhere buy one item—like one small coffee or one pack of gum—and pay for that one item with a debit card. Would it really kill you to carry actual money, some CHANGE? So we don’t all have to wait? Or did you give all your change to the homeless guy outside? I don’t think so. I think that you have no actual real money, you don’t work, you are a SPOILED STUDENT or trust fund baby, and you just use the card to take the money out of an account that your parents keep pumping their hard-earned money into! And whatever happened to the rule that you cannot spend less than $5 to be able to use a card? Isn’t it ILLEGAL? [BLEEP!]

M Hi I’d like to make a commentary about the social function of GARAGE SALES, and the usage of them to help bridge isolation owing to technology and the trens that I see. I am from an OLD GENERATION, and that means a car was a car, a dollar was a dollar and life was little simpler. People communicated without hiding behind these screens. But why I am talking about garage sales is because THE AUTHORITIES came and broke up a garage sale today. For me it was a sign of killing communication between people, because of function of a garage sale is to extend communication beyond blue screens. It was a sad sad sight to see. They got a fine. I am sorry—this hurts me and weighs heavily on heart. Also, why are there no musicians playing on the street? Why are there no painters painting in the park? Where are we going with this? [BLEEP!]

F You ever wonder what other people are thinking? They are all just thinking, what are other people thinking. This is the closest human beings will ever come to understanding each other. [BLEEP!]

 F Why isn’t anybody SQUAWKING about the penguins at the Biodome? Last time I saw them they were cooped up forever behind panes of glass, nowhere to go. Some gawkers crammed together were fixated on these quasi-birds with clipped wings, and it was feeding time and someone with a lab coat walked into their dimly lit setting with a metal bucket of fish. These penguins sit around like effigies of themselves, neither dead or alive. Why not put out dummy penguins in their place? I would rather be a CALECHE HORSE any day than a penguin at the Biodome. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: Ryan Luxenberg, albino squirrel offspring! PLUS: Private school girls should dress sexier!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hey Rant Line™, this is Mike, coming at you live. I just want to talk about the U2 concert, the third concert at the Bell Center, Montreal, and this OPPORTUNISTIC LITTLE PRICK Ryan Luxenberg. My god, you really think you’re something else because you went up on stage and did “Desire” with the band? Please, man, I was there, October 1 1987 at the Big O, with 65,000 of my fellow U2 fans. You weren’t even born, ok kid? And you think you’re all smart because you played guitar with the band. Ah, you may be ok on guitar but you know what, your voice SUCKS, man. I could sing “Desire” much more better than you after a night of heavy drinking OUT ON THE TILES. You think you’re all smart now ‘cuz you’re out on YouTube, and this and that, but you know, you’re not a true U2 fan, ‘cmon. You just jumped on board. I’ve been there since 1983, man! My first album was Under a Blood Red Sky. Mini-album, ok. So don’t act all smart because you went up on stage, and your girlfriend was taking your picture, please. I’m a real U2 fan, ok cockroach? I’m out of here. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I’d like to leave a rant for whoever the BOUNCER is at at École Privée. I was behind two girls yesterday on Friday at 1.30, and this guy was at the door is, with the SCAR on his eye. And one of the girls was wearing a kind of COVERALL, with a tank top underneath. He said, “Hey, you girls should go join all my guy friends at this table in the back, they can keep you company.” And they kind of talked a little bit, and then he said, “And you in the coveralls, next time you come here, wear something SEXIER, like a dress or something, that thing looks like shit.” So I don’t know who owns that place but, fuck that guy. [BLEEP!]

F People of Montreal stop letting the depanneurs down. For a city that prides itself on the recent Comedycoup success of Dépflies, you guys sure aren’t putting your MONEY where your MOUTH is. Mile End in particular. First Matisha, then Regal, now PS. You wonder why the line at the PA causes you rage? It’s because so many people are going to a grocery store for one thing when they could go to a dep and get the exact same thing in a fraction of the time, while also supporting the families that run aid dep. No diss to PA, they’re amazing, I LOVE them, but it really grinds my gears when I see people lined up to buy a single pack of gum at rush hour. And I know I’m not alone. And you know who has it worse than me, and all the other people in the line-up with the rage? The deps going out of business and the families that run them going bankrupt. So stay deserving of the number one best neighbourhood and support your local deps. Shame. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I hate to bitch and whine, but what can I do. Here I am, going to the public gym, YMCA, and there’s a free brochure which is sponsored by a real estate company that is selling houses for $4.5 million a pop in Pierrefonds. But it’s really incongruous, it’s like standing in front of someone who’s been sleeping in front of a bank machine in winter, to keep warm, and he’s got GANGRENE on his feet and no one gives a fuck. I’m looking at the pros and cons and the differentials and saying, I hope that guy gets help, and stay away from me you FAT CAT. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Whichever ANUS BRAIN came up with the bullshit word TRANSRACIAL, you are only demonstrating further proof that ignorance is anything but bliss. This level of ignorance is not some awful random thing, ok—it’s dangerous. It serves one function only, to further contribute to an ongoing cycle of unnecessary hatred and turmoil. So if you believe transraciality is a thing, do yourself a favour: shut the fuck up and go educate yourself. You have no idea what you are perpetuating. And congratulations—you’re part of the problem. [BLEEP!]

F All you people, wondering where ALBINO SQUIRREL is in Jeanne-Mance Parc, well we still don’t know, but we’ve just seen its OFFSPRING. That’s right. It’s part albino and part not-albino. So maybe it’s not albino, technically, at all. But it’s very, very white, with a streak of brown down its nose and it’s so CUTE. It’s staring at us right now—it’s in the tree. Oh my gosh, you’re so lucky if you see this squirrel, all your dreams will come true. Leave the squirrels alone, especially the albino ones, they’re MAGICAL. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: Caitlyn Jenner, Michael Sam, Diaper Boy®! PLUS: Facebook blamed on women with small brains!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hi, I just tuned into Sheep Be Sheep radio—or is it CBC? Anyway, it’s a major bore. Really boring. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, Diaper Boy® here again. I haven’t spoken to the Rant Line™ in many, many years—I used to call when it was part of the Mirror. I have the same issue as before: no place to go for FETISH NIGHTS, no activity like that. I was wondering if there was any interest in somebody starting something like that? It would be a good thing to have for the city! Anyway, that’s my rant. [BLEEP!]

M I’m wondering why half of my friends have already committed suicide, and half of the people I know and love are suicidal. And the rest are Trust Fund Baby Munchkins waiting to be hit by the next train. My god, I shudder to think. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Cheers Rant Line™. This is about Bruce Jenner, or whatever he is calling himself this week—Caitlyn Jenner. Give me break! Come on, you’re a fake woman, you’re not a real woman! A real woman gets her PERIOD every month, suffers the pain of CHILD BIRTH. You’re a real woman at 65 years old? Come on, man, what kind of a jackass do you takes us for? And what’s between your ears, buddy boy? You have a male brain, ok. You’re a man, that’s it, that’s all. Externally, you may be a woman now, but internally, you’re still a man. You’re a fake woman, Bruce Jenner, Caitlyn, whatever. You’re a gold medal Montreal Olympics weirdo. You’re fucking weird. Point finale. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, this is regarding the Alouettes signing Michael Sam, the first openly GAY PLAYER in a Big Four sport. I see all the comparisons between Jackie Robinson and Michael Sam, with Jackie breaking the colour barrier in 1947. But still—it took 68 years for this to happen in pro sports? This is unbelievable. It shouldn’t have taken this long for a player to be accepted in the LOCKER ROOM by the rest of his team, no matter what he does in life. No matter who he sleeps with, no matter what colour he is, no matter what religion he is. It’s pathetic. Let’s hope the player who follows after Michael Sam—possibly in hockey or baseball or UFC—doesn’t take another 68 years to make himself be known. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy talking about Canada Post—I don’t know what kind of pretty mail-ladies you got, bro, but my mail-lady is a CHUBBY, mean one who kicks my door like she’s trying to break in whenever she has to deliver a package to me. Serious. I jump and think I should scramble to FLUSH MY STASH every time it happens. But, yeah, I agree on the part about too much email and that. Nicer to get a real letter than an email, anyway. It means somebody cares enough to take actual time to contact you. Hey… you want to be pen-pals? [BLEEP]

M Ok. I just want to know why nobody is talking about artificial intelligence. This is going to be the final creation. This is the scariest shit that we are doing with technology! And I don’t know why more people aren’t terrified of their SMART PHONES. Has no one seen The Terminator? Really? I know that it sounds like kind of a STUPID STONER THEORY, but that shit’s real! That shit’s going to take over the world. We’re dead, we’re fucking dead! They’re going to get smarter than us and then they are going to decide that they don’t need humans any more because they are way more efficient than us and they are going to solve all our problems that we’ve created because we are dumb-asses. Anyway, all I want to say is, take a look at your phone, really look at it, and wonder how much further it needs to develop before it takes over the whole world. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F I have a somewhat serious rant. My friend just went to the hospital this morning and he has been waiting there for almost NINE HOURS and has yet to be seen. I think that he is probably suffering complications due to the delayed medical attention. He hasn’t been seen by any doctor! And I just read online that Dr. Howard Ovens—he is the co-author of the Canadian Position Statement on emergency department overcrowding—he has said that nine hours waiting to see a doctor is really a TROUBLING FIGURE. The idea of having to be waiting in an emergency room while you are acutely ill, just waiting to see a doctor for that much time, is disturbing. [BLEEP!]

M On the matter of privacy and Facebook, an extensive study has been done—of course by marketers, not real, intelligent researchers—and it showed that Facebook is primarily used by women with SMALL BRAINS. I guess they figure their need to show pictures of their kids, and share inspirational quotes full of spelling mistakes, and post pictures themselves at the beach, and SMALL ANIMALS with gay captions, is more important than maintaining some dignity and privacy. I look so down on them all. I also think anyone who uses emojis should be EUTHANIZED. Winkie-face. Men on Facebook, by the by, are only there to jerk off to the pictures the dumb women post. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: Dangling keys, #manifencours, loud fucking! PLUS: The beautiful lesbian next door!!

 “edited” by AL SOUTH

F To the girl talking about colonialists and racists. I think ALL WHITES are colonialists an racists, because they were conditioned by their parents and whatever they heard on TV programs. And I don’t think they even realize that. [BLEEP!]

F Building a sidewalk from Peel to the Port. Like, really? Health, education, the real poor? That doesn’t matter. Get out there and MANIFEST, people. And if you have to VANDALIZE to get heard, then do it. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™! It’s great that the sun is out and that winter is going away, but it isn’t even really spring-like yet, and there are already DRUNKS screaming in the streets and destroying other people’s property in the middle of the night. And you know what? I’m sure this is just all part of the protests. I think people see it as some sort of party—they get all wound up, and then go drink and act like lunatics. Protest isn’t CHAOS, people! Let’s stay in our right minds and change the word for the better! [BLEEP!]

M What’s with all the psychos these days? [BLEEP!]

M Hello. A word please, about all the latest rounds of MANIFANKORING—or whatever it is fucking called—that is going on. I think it’s great that our young idiots have found a new way to get together and have a party that also makes them look like there’s another level of depth to them, but I also think they are mostly full of shit, don’t understand the issues they’re manifankoring over, and just want to look cool yelling anti-police slogans with the cool kids. Anyway, that was just the start of my rant, because I wanted to say that I ordered food—a pizza and some chicken—from New System restaurant, and it took 90 minutes and was COLD. When I called to complain, the manager dude blamed the manifankors for delaying the driver, which is a load of shit, because A) there was no manifankoring going on that night, and B) because it’s very easy to get to my house from New System without passing a manifankor route. Anyway, Quebec is in a shambles, and this is just more evidence of it. And don’t think this means I stand with the fucking police, either. Most of them are MMA-worshipping motherfuckers with shit between their ears. So fuck the police! But also fuck the manifankors. [BLEEP!]

F Cabaret Mile End. We miss you, we want you back. [names establishment on Fairmount], you are annoying. Your music is way too LOUD. You are going to cause the new P.A.’s windows to shatter. There is only one solution to drown you out, and that’s too FUCK way louder than you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, ok, I just saw a kind of HIPSTER DUDE walking down the street. All dressed in black, black leather jacket, black beard, black t-shirt of some sort, and of course black skinny jeans. Oh, and black sneakers. And like so many of them, he had his KEYS hanging outside his pants, on like a chain. They all have this. Chains and keys hanging out. I guess it is because the pants are so tight that nothing can fit into the pockets, so all there junk has to DANGLE outside? So I was wondering—how often do you lose that shit? It breaks, or the cloth the chain is connected to rips. Then you lose all your keys, and you are fucked. Could a hipster who does this—this dangling, jangling key thing—maybe you could tell me how often his shit gets lost? Is it really practical? And also, where did this come from? Because as far as I know, it comes from the GAY WORLD. Does it still mean this? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, about President Obama on Kimmel. I was just wondering why he’s not allowed to disclose anything about the UFOs and the ALIENS. All right, thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M This one is for the woman who wants me to KILL her while we FUCK. Would you be okay if we fuck a few times before I kill you so that I can see how we work together? Maybe I won’t want to kill you anymore, and we can get married in a nice CHURCH CEREMONY. Your dad can give you away, and I’ll say, “Sir, I cannot tell you how much I love your daughter. I couldn’t even fuck and kill her.” What do you say? Are you ready to give love a chance? [BLEEP!]

F If it makes anyone feel better, I actually think of being killed all the time. Sometimes, it’s the only thing that can get me out of bed. [BLEEP!]

M D-Dub T-DuB! [BLEEP!]

M Hey. I live in NDG, on welfare. For the past few months, in my window… my neighbor… I’ve been able to… well, she leaves her CURTAINS open, and she’s a LESBIAN. And… I mean it’s just in a DREAM… but I’ve seen you make love to your partners and I’ve seen you put lotion on yourself and get changed. And I watched you masturbate and it’s beautiful. It’s really hard for me not to look, but I feel bad for looking. It’s really hard. I just want you to know, if you see this, that people can see you. And that’s cool, you know, I’m like that too. I like it when people see me. I would love for you to see me, and know that I think you’re a lesbian and that I think you’re beautiful. Just keep on keeping on. Have a good night. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: The Thelemic Order, Aphex Twin, the $42-million fiasco! PLUS: Montreal men advised to check their fat situation!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Hey, so in the last print edition of Cult Montreal, the editor-in-chief interviewed A Tribe Called Red. That’s cool, and they deserve the exposure. But what’s not cool is misspelling and misnaming two of the member’s nations. Maybe it was a SIMPLE MISTAKE, but if you are going to pretend to give a shit about indigenous cultures, stop upholding the COLONIALIST legacy by disregarding our names, our identities and our nations. I am sick of this BS whitewashed culture that is Quebec. Realize whose land you are living on and find ways to be an active ally. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I am in my car driving home and I am listening to the radio and they say that we are celebrating 375 years of Montreal, and the mayor is thinking of providing a walkway—a pedestrian path—from Mount Royal to the Old Port. Now, this is not a good way to spend money that should be put into fixing the roads that people drive on that have huge fucking HOLES in them! This is fucking horseshit! I don’t need a pedestrian fucking walkway when I can’t even drive on the fucking streets without feeling like I am in Africa. This is bullshit. I’ve had my suspension changed on my car three times already! This doesn’t make any sense at all. Fix the fucking roads! [BLEEP!]

F Seriously? We are going to spend $42-million to build a walkway from the mountain to the river? Like there is not already enough STUPID CONSTRUCTION going on in this city? Tell you what, give me and some of my unemployed friends $1-million, just $1-million, maybe even less, and we will build a ZIP-LINE from the mountain to the river. That at least would be fun. WHEEEE. [BLEEP!]

F I don’t really have the time right now, but I am pretty sure I could think of 42 million things that would be better to spend $42-millon on that a path. God. [BLEEP!]

M Anybody who hears or reads the reviews for Aphex Twin’s Computer Controlled Acoustic Instruments pt2, hold your opinions until you hear it on VINYL. You have the choice of playing it at 33 rpm or 45. When you hear the 45 rpm being played—I am listening to it right now—you will understand where part one is, and then you will understand part two. Wow. But meanwhile, do you think Aphex Twin gives two shits about being nominated for a Grammy Award? Especially when the announcer couldn’t pronounce the name of the album properly, or say his name properly. So no wonder he didn’t come. [BLEEP!]

M Hey I am here to propose a new alternative to YOLO for the next generation. There is this ORDER called the Thelemic Order, and their slogan is “Do What Thou Wilt,” and I am hoping that you young kids will start saying D-Dub-T-Dub for short. So keep that in mind and spread the word. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is for the guy who was complaining about the girl who works in a CALL CENTER. Ok, I get it, it sucks when call centers call you. It really sucks. But you are saying how you are happy that you called the cops and got their business shut down? Man, you’re a dick. There are already not enough jobs in this city and you go and make people lose their livelihoods—people who obviously can’t do anything else. If you don’t want calls from call centers, don’t answer your fucking phone, man. [BLEEP!]

M I have to say that I completely agree with the rant uttered by the girl criticizing the public transportation system of Montreal, that they have the temerity to raise the price of the tickets to $3.25, further GOUGING the poor and sick. There are 800,000 people on welfare in this province, and now you are going to hit a single mother who is trying to get across town to buy something cheap? In Europe, if you are on the dole or if you are old, you get free—free!—transportation. That is a reality that is not happening here. [BLEEP!]

M Fucking sick and tired of email and all this digital shit. We are not ROBOTS. What the fuck. The people from the post office are so much NICER, they come to your door, they say hello, whether they be male, female, whatever—sometimes they are PRETTY LADIES—but whatever, it’s fucking better than stupid fucking digital robots. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. As someone working in the on-line marketing business, it’s hard not to be disgusted at how wholly commodified the general public has become. Stop thinking the Internet is a BOON of free services. The only time you get something for free on the Internet is if you download it illegally. Otherwise, you’re paying by surrendering everything about yourself in exchange for an ad for whatever it is you happened to be shopping for anyway. Use ad-blockers. Abandon Google. Leave Facebook. If you don’t care about your privacy, you don’t care about yourself. [BLEEP!]

F If I can just make an admission, sometimes when I get myself off, I think about being KILLED and it sends me right to the finish line. Weird, huh? And I’m not even Goth, or anything. I listen to THE BEAT. [BLEEP!]

M Montrealers, if you fell like you need inspiration to go to the gym, get on the Green Line, stand up and wait for your MAN BOOBIES and your SPARE TIRE to jiggle. Nothing more inspiring to get you off the couch and into the gym. Good luck and get fit. [BLEEP!]

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THIS WEEK: The pen of Leonard Cohen, the perversion of the Kraft Teddy Bears! PLUS: Better to be fat than from France, man claims!!

 “edited” by AL SOUTH

M This rant is from Damnation.Is anybody else out there just completely sick of all these ZOMBIES walking around with their fucking earphones in, staring into a goddam SCREEN? Walking while texting and staring into a screen, driving while texting and staring into a screen. It’s ridiculous, I don’t understand what the hell is going on—but I think it’s got to be stopped. Frig! We’re going to all have implants soon and the screens will be in our eyeballs! [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I want to recollect that the only time I ever met Leonard Cohen in person was by a very serendipitous accident. I was visiting an artist friend on the Main who had a studio upstairs, she was surviving on Ramen NOODLES. It was a Sunday morning and I went out for a breath of fresh air after a long night of savouring the poetic life. And there’s Leonard walking past my doorway. I couldn’t resist the option of asking for an AUTOGRAPH, which he of course he obliged, being the GENTLEMAN that he is. And I said, I’m sorry sir, I have no pen or paper. He took out his pen—he also had no paper—and he wrote his signature on my arm. He’s a sweet guy, Leonard. Long may he run. [BLEEP!]

F I have to agree—those two redesigned Kraft Peanut Butter Teddy Bear head shots look like two VOYEURS on the label. I just want to punch them out of their PEEPHOLE. They just look too close, too stoned, too much like PERVS and are about as charming and compelling as the paparazzi. When you see a whole slew of such jars on the store shelves you really get the gist of it. [BLEEP!]

M With all the French-from-France arrogance taking over the city I’m glad to see it finally found a home in the Rant Line™. Maybe our tasteless foods make us OBESE, but you know what? We’re nice. I guess all your cheap wine and cheeses make you motherfucking arrogant. [BLEEP!]

F About the food in France being cheaper than here. Number one, no. But yet are food is expensive and crappy and it’s all packaging. So I don’t blame the young kids for stealing it. [BLEEP!]

F I don’t understand why the metro has raised the damn price when the system hasn’t improved and Montreal is basically a third world city. There are no jobs, the streets suck—Montreal is like a PETTY little piece of shit city. It is charging the already poor—not even middle-class—poor citizens fucking $3.25 to get on the Metro to go downtown or to the Plateau or wherever you have to go. It’s ridiculous. I am so sick of this city and its Mafioso stupid bullshit. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I’m a SMOKER, I’ve been smoking since I was 15 years old. I just went downstairs and the Depanneur Lady said that the tobacco companies are raising the price again. Every three months a pack of cigarettes goes up just a little notch further. I find this is intolerable, especially since they are selling us cigarettes that we can’t quit because we are physically addicted to the shit. So what I say is that the douchebag companies who are reaping robber baron-spoils off the poor SAD SACKS like me who can’t quit smoking should be VILIFIED. Trying to avoid a cigarette in Montreal is like walking through a field of poison ivy in your SHORTS and expecting not to get infected. It’s unavoidable and expensive, and they should have some compassion. [BLEEP!]

F Bell wants to mind the minds of others, I say mind your own first and repair all the broken neglected Bell telephones you’ve got around town. The pathetic mental health commercials you’ve come up with are so annoying and repetitive that you’re left wondering if Bell isn’t off their ROCKER themselves. Malfunction seems to be a happy medium for Bell. Takes one to know one. [BLEEP!]

M This is the rant right back at the girl who works at a call center and says we should answer our phones when they call and not hang up on them. First of all, it takes them several seconds to get on the line and talk to us after their STUPID MACHINE has bothered us at supper time or in the evening. So I say hello twice and then I hang up. And when it’s an 866 I don’t answer the phone anyway. Why the hell should I pay for a phone bill every month so these PARASITES can borrow us at home? The hell with them! The more we make their system no work, the more their bosses will try to find something else that works better and is more HUMANE. By the way if you get calls from the same company more than once, you can tell the guy that you are going to file a police complaint for harassment. I’ve done it and I put the company out of business by having their business license suspended, their phone service suspended, and a visit from the cops. [BLEEP!]

M My name is [gives name and phone number]. I was in the student hall and I was helping the kids to planify the economy to restrict bourgeois rights and build socialism. I said Canada was 49th in what concerns liberty of expression, behind a country like Ghana. And I was kicked out by the security guards! First they told me to take out the LITTLE STICK that was holding my red flag, they took that. Then they kicked me out and they even didn’t want me to hold my flag, without the stick. I was wondering, is it the security guards who run the university or do students have liberty of expression? [BLEEP!]

F Yea, a shout out to the CUTIE PIE who kept her eyes open as an OLD MAN climbed up the slope from below the look out on Mount Royal. 2015 is going to be a good year for you if karma works the way I hope it does. [BLEEP!]

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Written by Comments Off on THIS WEEK: The pen of Leonard Cohen, the perversion of the Kraft Teddy Bears! PLUS: Better to be fat than from France, man claims!! Posted in regular