This week: Metallica, Sunset Chick, Boris!

Plus: Angelina Jolie ice cream scoop attracts international media attention!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F About the Metallica show. It was a really good fucking show, the only problem is we waited THREE HOURS in line before we could get in. We missed Deftones, Mudvayne, all the other bands. People were selling beer for five bucks outside because of the three hour wait to get inside to see Limp Bizkit and Metallica. You couldn’t get a pizza, a toilet, nothing. Couldn’t they should have set things up more properly so people could get in? I want half of my money back, I missed two thirds of the bands! Metallica rocks! [BLEEP!]

M I’m praying that the SCARY AFFLICTION that’s being passed around the world and that’s done so much damage in Toronto won’t spread to Montreal. I’m talking about Britpop. [BLEEP!]

F Does Montreal actually has a FUNK SCENE. I checked out this band a couple weeks ago and, man, I felt like I should be at a wedding party. I’m sick of all these white guys trying to be in these funk bands, because what the fuck do they actually know about funk? Is there a scene or is it hiding somewhere with all these wannabes? I’m desperate at this rate. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is for the 22-year-old chick and the Ben and Jerry’s employee who are working together to STALK Angelina Jolie. Yes, she’s here in Montreal and, yes, there are many of us Montreal women who find her incredibly attractive, but that is no reason to harass her. She is a single mom here with her son, not some HUSSY looking for a good time. She was quoted in an interview as saying one of the best things about Montreal is the cool people that respect her privacy. Please don’t ruin this positive view of our fair city and drive away Angelina and Maddox. Stop your stalking! [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this is the girl from Ben and Jerry’s again. Apparently, People magazine has been reading the Mirror and they noticed that I was talking about Angelina Jolie. All of a sudden, they’re calling here and they want to know what she’s doing, what she’s been ordering and, personally, I think that’s disgusting. In fact, I regret calling in the first place. I thought it was kind of amusing, I’ve been telling my friends that she’s been coming by, but I don’t understand why People magazine cares! All of a sudden it’s such a big deal that she orders Ben and Jerry’s?! Ooh, Angelina Jolie eats ice cream occasionally! See, I don’t think it matters what kind of ice cream Angelina gets. I don’t think it really matters if her fans come by to see her at Ben and Jerry’s. I think that overall it really shouldn’t be such a big deal and I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place. [BLEEP!]

F I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this but someone’s been posting—like, bolting—NOVELS on random posts on St-Laurent. And I don’t know who you are, but I just want to say that I have a huge crush on you. That’s all. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. This is Boris from the Marijuana Party calling about that young POT SMOKER who can’t seem to get off his ass. I think he should do just that—get off his ass and do something. It’s not because you smoke pot that you won’t be able to do anything in life. I know thousands of people who are just as LAZY who have never smoked a puff in their life. So don’t try and blame marijuana and ruin it for the rest of us. Just shut up or get off your ass and do something. You’re good enough to actually pick up the phone and call the Rant Line™, so you can’t be that useless. Now if you want to do something useful, get a hold of the Marijuana Party and run in the next election and prove that you’re not just a lazy pothead. That’s all I have to say. Have a good day. [BLEEP!]

F What’s up? This is a girl from Montreal who’s been smoking weed for a while. Maybe not 10 years like that guy, but for quite a while. I just want to say that I agree with everything the lazy pot smoker said. I used to have ambition and now I’m just smoking weed, satisfied on my couch, just having sex and cooking and doing my stuff. So if you want to succeed in life and be in the same boring routine, don’t smoke weed, you know what I mean? But if you want to be lazy and get money from ways you don’t even understand, have sex everyday, be in nirvana, then go ahead. It’s the best drug. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this is Sunset Chick, the stupid chick who quit her job so she could see the sun. This is in response to the very angry ANTI-SUNSET rant left by someone who’s obviously really bitter about their job and hates their life. I’m suggesting to this person that they fucking climb the mountain. It takes about 10 minutes. And maybe take some time to watch a sunset or take a walk or fucking do something other than yelling at a STUPID RANT LINE™ about a sunset. Fuckhead. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum

THIS WEEK: Bixis, Bofinger, Great Danes, the Douglas Hospital!

PLUS: An important announcement from Milford Kemp!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

[Ed’s note: This week’s edition consists of some new rants and some old rants that were banked for reasons of space, taste, sanity or slander.]

 M [voice of Milford Kemp] The old decrepit wannabe-JIMI HENDRIX, Milford Kemp, has just been signed to play the lead role of Jimi Hendrix on the Discovery Channel. Shooting August 2-5 here in Montreal! For the first movie or TV documentary in 42 years since his death that has been approved by the family estate. Full rights to the music and the image. Chosen over YouTube, no audition! They saw the American Trash videos and said you to do not imitate, you PERSONIFY Jimi Hendrix. We want you to personify Jimi Hendrix for our movie! We’re gonna pay you lots of money and you’re going to be part of ACTRA, the screen guild. That’s why I do what I do! I don’t want your pennies, I don’t want your dimes, I don’t want your fucking change! I want what God gives me! That’s how God pays me. And that is what you willl never know. I proved to the man I’m as strong as him, because in the eyes of God we are all children of him. The Big Dipper picked me up now he gonna pull me down on the public! YA! And you couldn’t give me a COVER STORY!? You’re CRAZY! [BLEEP!]

M Okay, one question: what is it with GAYS and GREAT DANES? You know, those huge dogs? Are you honestly telling me they’re not having sex with their huge, juicy cocks? Please, clarify it for me. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I’m just calling about Bixis on the SIDEWALK. If somebody is on a bike, in front or behind me, and rings their BELL at me, I’m that fucking bitch that will not move out of your way. If you’re too chickenshit to ride down the street in traffic, then WALK, because the sidewalk is for mamères and kids under five. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M This is  to the girl who was on MDMA at Radio Lounge. Gee, I know how you feel, sister. When I do DRUGS, I just wish the whole world would stop and do the drug with me. Whenever I do MDMA, every DJ everywhere should be Richie Hawtin. They just automatically become that because I’m on that drug. It’s just like when I smoke pot—all the food in front of me should be pizza. There shouldn’t be anything else. Oh, and there should be only cartoons on TV. And, like, if I do acid, there should only be HINDI CHANTS and copies of the Tibetan Book of the Dead around. It’s the only thing I want to read. And if I do blow, there should be STRIPPERS and COLOMBIAN GUYS saying all kinds of awesome movie lines. You know? And if I don’t have it and it doesn’t happen, I just get upset. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah dude, why go to all the trouble of getting out a bag, bending over putting the DOG SHIT in the bag, tying a knot around the bag and then throwing it on the ground again? You people are worse than HITLER, you’re fucking SHITLER. [BLEEP!]

M To the city of Montreal: I live in St-Henri and I just called work to let them know that I’m not going in because there is no water so I can wash my ass. That is because I took a STICKY SHIT this morning and I can’t flush the goddamned toilet and I can’t wash my ass and I feel like a two-year old wearing a DIAPER. Thank you city of Montreal for your old fuckin’ water pipes, nice going on keeping them updated. I can’t go to work in the year 2012 because I can’t wipe my ass and I feel like I’m in India. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I have an idea for a new festival for Montreal. Festivale de bavure the insane. Free the loonies from the Douglas. Run them through the streets of Verdun like the running of the bulls at Pamplona. It’d be great. It’d be like the ROMAN CIRCUS. It would draw a lot of tourists to Montreal. We all know we have to pay for those bridges, don’t we? [BLEEP!]

M This is a rant about Caffé Mariani’s in St-Henri. For anyone who’s never been there before, it’s like you’ve died and went to HIPSTER HEAVEN. Nothing but douche bags everywhere. But don’t get me wrong, the food is pretty good. [BLEEP!]

M Is anyone else pissed that Bofinger has pretty much doubled their prices in the last three years? It’s insane. I mean, it was always kind of a rip-off, but paying $8 for three giant fucking BEEF RIBS and a little fucking dish of MACARONI wasn’t such a bad thing. Now it’s fucking $16 for the same shit. It’s absurd. And the service there is terrible. If anybody knows of a decent restaurant where you can get beef ribs in this city the size of fucking Bofinger’s, I’m all ears. [BLEEP!]

M People should come with warning labels. Caution: May cause drowsiness, depression, toxicity. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, Rant Line, why do all my female friends say when they get in cabs solo that they happen to get sexually harassed? What is up with Montreal cab drivers sexually harassing our quote-unquote single females? Let’s have some peace and love and just bring them home safely. This is straight out from a good person. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Rant Line, right now I’m in the downtown area, it’s a beautiful sunny day, and I have got to say that I appreciate all you women out there showing some skin. Because, let me tell you, we are looking forward to seeing those SEXY SKIRTS of yours. Just shake your asses, show some CLEAVAGE—that’s exactly what we want to see. A’ight? Peace. [BLEEP!]

RL™ TWEET OF THE WEEK I wonder whether the Mirror would have lasted longer or closed sooner if they had never decided the Rant Line was a good idea. @InklessPW

Here is a link to it: http://bit.ly/ME8B48

Vivas in perpetuum Virtual Paper

THIS WEEK: The END of the Mirror!

PLUS: Introducing RL™ TWEET OF THE WEEK, a new regular or irregular feature in which prizes may or may not be awarded!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Say it ain’t so! Are you telling me the Mirror is no more? What are we going to do? The Mirror is the best magazine—free stuff, SEXY stuff, all kinds of stuff. I’m going to be broken up. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I am just happy you ANTI-SEMITES have been shut down. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M I had to hear it on the news first?! Mirror is gone? You gotta be kidding??[BLEEP!]

F Hello, this is not acceptable. No more Mirror? No, not acceptable. Find a SOLUTION. No more Mirror? I will not tolerate that. Find a solution immediately. [BLEEP!]

M A very sad day indeed. This was a great newspaper, a great part of Montreal. I hope you rise from the ASHES in some form and we see the Mirror back one day somehow. Rant Line™, Mirror, you were A-1: all that you did for advertising the bands. It was just a great newspaper. Very sad to hear the news. [BLEEP!]

F I am so sorry to hear about the Mirror closing. I called the Rant Line™ so much, I loved it, it was my favourite thing about the newspaper. I’m gonna miss the Rant Line™ a whole fucking lot. Bye. Thank you so much for so much funny shit over the years. [BLEEP!]

M So I just found out the Quebecor media has shut down the Montreal Mirror. This is one of the worst things I have ever heard happen to Montreal’s CULTURAL landscape. JESUS FUCK. What are we going to do now? [BLEEP!]

M I’m sure I am one of the thousands of voices who is so pissed off that the Mirror is going down. I didn’t always agree with you guys, but I am really going to miss reading you. It is just part of this CORPORATE AGENDA to keep us all ignorant. Let’s just hope it doesn’t work and good luck to everybody. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

M The Mirror means a lot to me, man. When I moved to Montreal in the spring of 1999, it was the first HABIT I picked up. I’ve read every single issue since, going to far to ask a friend to keep a copy when I was out of town. And I always said that I would never consider myself a true Montrealer until the Rear-View Mirror segment referred to an issue that I had read since I moved here, which happened last year when Rear-View Mirror featured an issue from June,1999. This saddens me deeply. This is my rant. [BLEEP!]

M This is a message for the Rant Line™ and Al South. This is ERIC POPPER calling. I just wanted to say how sad I was to hear about the Montreal Mirror closing and how shortsighted Quebecor is being. I guess you guys are all feeling like SHIT. I would just like to thank you for so many years of support and so many years of good reading. That’s all. Guess these things happen. It’s very sad. I don’t even know if you’ll get this. I’m going to miss the Rant Line™, that’s for sure. I really am. So see you later and thanks for all the good reading. Ok, bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, NVP here. I heard that Rant Line™/Mirror is closing down. Hope it’s not true, hope it is only a rumour! Because I’ve grown to live—LOVE—the Mirror, and the Rant Line™ especially, for the service you provide, for me, for everybody, to rant. To let loose and express ourselves. It’s very THERAPEUTIC. If it is true that the Mirror is closing, I hope it will continue to survive in some form, assume some other avenue. It is one of a kind, an institution here. I for one want to say thanks for all the years of really great stuff, where everybody could just be who they are on the Rant Line™. Where everyone could just be a STAR. People need that validation. So I want to give you my best wishes in whatever direction you guys are going. [BLEEP!]

F Well at least the Rant Line™ still works. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, I definitely didn’t think this number would still be working. Just wanted to say it’s Thursday and I really miss the Montreal Mirror. To whoever is listening to this, it sucks deeply, sorry about your JOBS. It just sucks for Montreal. [BLEEP]

M Just wondering if this phone line is up for sale? I would love to CAPITALIZE on any callers still calling in. Get back to me, my name is Gabriel. [leaves number] [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. I don’t know if this is still working, but we’ll give it a go. June 22, 2012,10 pm Eastern Standard Time. Montreal Mirror is now closed. That is a horrible thing. From 10 pm till midnight tonight I will tweet a new temporary number for the Rant Line™ and I will publish the rants [leaves number]. This phone number will only be active for two hours. I wish you the best. And now I am going to publicize this. Have a good night. [Ed’s note: Results of tribute Rant Line™ unknown] [BLEEP!]

M So this is almost fucking unreal. I was on the SHITTER, I looked at my phone, and I heard a VOICE. Let’s just go ahead and say it was the voice of GOD. It spoke to me clear as a bell. It said: Call the phone company, open up a new account, register a phone number, put it out there, and people will call and air their gripes, speak their peace. Rant, if you will. So I wiped my ass, called up Bell, got it all together… and then I heard that the fucking Rant LIne™ is back. Fucking God hates me. [BLEEP!]

RL™ TWEET OF THE WEEK

Totally using “vacationing in Montserrat” as my new code for “cracked out in Bar Fuzzy,” thanks! @jeanlapilote

[Ed’s note: Prizes may or may not include your choice from an impressive collection of cassettes from forgotten local bands!]

GOT AN OPINON ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-7268 (RANT)

THIS WEEK: CHOM, Bud Light, convulsing at the Tam Tams!

PLUS: A lesbian with a fresh haircut goes out for a walk…!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

[Ed’s note(s): Ok, this is more or less what would have been in the June 28 edition of the Rant Line™. The file was ready early, on the morning of Friday June 22, since I was leaving the next day for vacation and the Rant Line™ was due for its annual summer sabbatical. Unfortunately, the hammer came down at about 10.30 am, and the Mirror shut shop. The Rant Line™, however, kept running, deluged by end-of-paper rants. So some of these rants are a bit old, but preserved here nonetheless.

On another note, special thanks to Roger Argent and also the unsung Roger Argentess for their faithful years of sub-editing. They transcribed more rants than anybody on Earth and are hereby inducted into the Rant Line Hall of Fame™ (more on that later).

On a final note, what you see here is a work in progress, obviously, and such things as the “design” will be modified in the coming weeks, months and years. The science, however, will remain the same.

And now, on to the rants. As always, we start with the music rants, since music, particularly local music, is STILL what the Rant Line™ is supposed to be about…]

M Must give credit where credit is due. Last week my alarm went off at its usual bright and early 6:15, set to CHOM FM. Yeah, I know, I know. Extremely limited playlist, to say the least. One or two NICKELBACK songs, maybe the new Chili Peppers song. Maybe stretching, at max, to “Closer to the Heart” or “Spirit of Radio” by Rush. But that morning—maybe because Terry DiMonte was away on VACATION—what do I get? Talking Heads, “Psycho Killer.” They’re playing this song on CHOM? The ultimate wake-up song. The CHOM morning playlist censors must have been looking the other way. So all I can say is there is HOPE and thank you. [BLEEP!]

 M Hi. I’m ranting about how YouTube makes me watch fucking commercials before I can play my music. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to want to play a song when you are all DRUNK with your friends, but no, no, no you have to watch three minutes of BUD LIGHT CRAP. No one likes that, who wants to drink that?! I don’t know. All I want to do is hear a Queen song. It gets on my ass. It gets up my ass, and I don’t like things up my ass except for dick. But that’s another story. For sure I don’t want Bud Light up my ass. The song is “I Want To Break Free.” [pause] Finally, here it goes. Look at Freddy’s BOOBS! I don’t think those are real. But he’s got a moustache. Hey, look there’s Roger Taylor! [noise in background] Hey, did you hear that? That was a poof from a HOT GIRL’S BUM. [BLEEP!]

[Ed’s note: There goes the Budweiser account.]

M Yeah, so I was reading the Rant Line™ and I actually ENJOYED it. But then I come to this one about the guy who got JACKED at the bar for making inappropriate comments towards Muslims. First of all, I would like to say that I don’t particularly care for the M-BOMBS either. However, here’s how I read this: You said something. You got jawed for it. You started crying and you left. And that makes you a bitch. But the fact that you are claiming—and I’m calling bullshit by the way—that you actually put something in his DRINK makes you a pathetic, horrible, terrible excuse for a human being. I hope that he finds you and breaks every bone in your worthless little fucking body. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I never really liked COPS before but I have to say I hate them more each day. I’m tired of seeing them abuse their POWER. Whatever happened to serve and protect? It’s a fucking joke. Recently I saw them numerous times giving out tickets to people for MISDEMEANORS on St-Laurent street. They’re on such a power trip, it’s incredible. And if you happen to be an Anglo, look out, they’re even tougher with you. It really makes me wonder—who are these people who become cops? [BLEEP!]

M Hi Montreal. I want to let you know what the hell is going on in our city. I was at TAM TAMS a while ago and I stayed a little late—I was there until about 10—and the cops showed up. Usually, cops show up at the Tam Tams at the very end, around 11:30. Not to be dicks, but to sit there and say, “Hey, park’s closed. You’ve got to go home.” Okay, thank you very much, officer. Have a good night. Right? Now, I don’t know if it was because of protesters or what, but they started breaking up the Tam Tam circle. And then they start HOG-TYING this one guy! I go up to them and ask, “Hey, why are you arresting this guy for?” And the officer—BADGE NUMBER 6167—pushes me back and says, “Stay back!” And I’m, like, “Okay, fine, but why are you arresting this guy?” And he fucking PEPPER-SPRAYED me. Now, I’ve never been pepper-sprayed my whole life and I had a severe allergic reaction to this. I stopped breathing, I started foaming at the mouth and I started CONVULSING. Apparently, my girlfriend tried to give me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to get me to breathe again. At which point, they arrested me—while I was unconscious. They brought me to the fucking station! I didn’t get out of there until about 4:30. I wasn’t allowed a BLANKET. They didn’t let me call my lawyer. They didn’t read me my rights. They didn’t tell me why I was under arrest. So, here’s the thing, Montreal. I’m not one to call people to arms—especially after all the shit that the fucking students have been doing—but this fucking police state cannot continue. I’m sorry, but if we can’t even have PEACEFUL GATHERINGS—not peaceful protests, peaceful gatherings—where people just sit around and listen to Tam Tam drums, smoke a JOINT and relax and enjoy their fucking life, then what are we coming to? Al South, Roger Argent, you need to publish this. Maybe not the whole thing, edit it if you have to make it SHORTER, but let people know what happened on Mount Royal that night. Let them know that I almost DIED at the hands of the people who are supposed to protect us. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, so I was walking along Sherbrooke yesterday and I had a FRESH HAIRCUT. I was feeling good. And then this group of five guys with rattails and tight Adidas pants asked me if I am a LESBIAN. So I look at them and I am like, ya, I am. And I walk away. But then they start taunting me for a block-and-a-half, yelling lesbian and DYKE like it’s an insult or something. Out of concern for my safety, I didn’t do or say anything. But honestly, what I would have liked to have done was look them in the eye and go, “Ya, and you know what? I get better fucking PUSSY than you do.” [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINON ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

The first round of rants runs tomorrow!

The RANT LINE™ will recommence publishing rants SOON, very soon, right here. Thanks for your patience and support.

Openfile.ca interview with me about the history of the Rant Line and the recent controversy.

http://bit.ly/M7BGTI

On Tuesday, OpenFile Montreal wrote about the resurrection of the Montreal Mirror’s Rant Line in web form, complete with a new phone number Montrealers could call to complain, kvetch and commiserate as they’d done for years in the pages of the alt weekly.

John Brese, the man behind the new site, said people were lamenting the loss of the Rant Line and he wanted to bring it back to life. It was an initiative Brese took on his own as he’s unaffiliated with the Montreal Mirror.

But now, the man who created the original Rant Line in 1994, former Mirror editor Alastair Sutherland, has expressed his displeasure with the new site and in response Brese has shut it down.

Sutherland, who is on vacation on the Caribbean island of Montserrat, spoke to OpenFile via email.

“I created the Rant Line in 1994 as a freelancer and pitched it to the Mirror. At that time, I also registered it as a business,” Sutherland said. “Since then, for just about every week for 18 years, I listened to the rants, selected them and ‘edited’ them. Sub-editor Roger Argent was invaluable in his assistance. Doing it is not as easy as it looks, and we worked hard to make it as good and fun as it could be.”

In the 18 years that it ran, Sutherland said many people tried to imitate the Rant Line, but the Mirror solidified his Rant Line’s superiority. [AL SOUTH NOTE: Actually, what I said here, was “Lots of people have tried to imitate it, and I don’t care-they don’t have the science.” The interview, btw, was conducted via Facebook messages]. Sutherland took offence when he saw Brese had copied his idea.

“When I saw that this new one was copying EXACTLY what was in the Mirror (and putting what seem to be fake ads beside it), then going on the radio to hype it, that struck me as opportunistic to say the least,” Sutherland said. “Perhaps he had good intentions, I dunno, but it’s an extreme and unoriginal copycat.”

The former editor said that when he found out the Mirror was folding, he was caught by surprise and the fact he was about to leave for vacation made it impossible to change the Rant Line into a different form right away. But Sutherland, who also goes by the name Al South, said that is the plan: