“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Hello Rant Line™. Ok here is something good, this is something we can all get behind. I just saw online that this girl, a singer, I can’t remember her name [Ed’s note: Léonie Gray], is suing the city for $20,00 because she was riding her bike and hit a massive fucking pothole and BROKE HER FACE. Seriously! She broke her nose and three teeth—there is a picture of her and she looks like she just stepped out of a CAGE MATCH. And she’s a singer so she can’t exactly go on stage looking like that! And she had to pay to get the teeth fixed. So she is suing and I hope she wins because it could be like a case that opens the doors—a test case. It could open the FLOODGATES. Because every single one of us in Montreal whether on bicycle or car or even on FOOT has hit one of these fucking potholes that the city takes forever to fix. If she wins we can all start taking the city to court. Fix the potholes, politicians, and if you don’t, we will sue you! It’s our money that you are spending, so spend it on things that are important! Don’t waste it on, I don’t know, bullshit—BANJO FESTIVALS, finger painting festivals, whatever—until you fix the fucking roads. Anyway, I hope that girl is going to be ok, I am sure she will be, and I hope she gets her cash. [BLEEP!]
M Hi Rant Line™. Today I’d like to talk to you about drivers and TURNING SIGNALS. Why don’t they fucking use them? Just trying to figure that out. I’m a cyclist. I’m not a holier-than-thou SPANDEX-WEARING piece of shit cyclist, but I do ride my bike pretty much every day in the summer, and no one uses their fucking turning signals! It’s literally a flick of the wrist, people, a flick of the wrist! I need to be aware of everything that’s going on, it’s insane out there. I almost DIE every single time I ride my bike, every day, because you’re too lazy to fucking flick your goddam wrist. Do it people! [BLEEP!]
M Well you know it’s bad when even the SO-CALLED COMEDIANS at the comedy festival are making fun of our CONSTRUCTION, but Jesus fucking Christ, it really is no JOKE. [BLEEP!]
M So they decided to tear up my street this week. They gave us ONE DAY notice, one fucking day. They put a flyer in my mail slot the night before. And the next day at 7 a.m. they were towing away cars. So now the whole street is torn up, and to not only that, but the workers put their blue PORT-O-POTTY right in front of my apartment—I live on the ground floor. So as you can imagine the toilet is already starting to STINK and I can see the FLIES all around it and goddam, what a mess. One day’s notice! Not even, it was more like a half a day! Shouldn’t there be a law against that? This is on Berri, by the way. [BLEEP!]
F So I saw Jagmeet Singh at a public rally the other day wearing SLACKS and a DRESS SHIRT with his usual TURBAN which I have no problem with but the dude had a KNIFE slung over his shoulder! A knife! I am the first one to object to the racist Bill 21 legislation but please lose the knife! [BLEEP!]
F Hey Rant Line™. I’m calling today to bitch about [names restaurant], that restaurant in the Mile End that started small, really CUTE, on St. Viateur some 10 years ago. It was sort of a family-owned business and it was really good, it was VEGAN. Well now I just feel that they have gone full-blown MCDONALD’S STYLE vegan. Everything has doubled in price, the portions are smaller, the food does not taste as fresh, the kids working there look overworked and exhausted and they have CHEESY UNIFORMS. It’s just exorbitant and it’s bad and it should not be. It ain’t good anymore, man. [BLEEP!]
M How many millennials does it take to change a lightbulb? None. None of them can come to terms with the fact that they can’t get their heads out of their assholes. [chortles]. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]
M: Ok so I went to buy, yes BUY, an album I’ve heard about on iTunes like I’ve been doing for many years and the only option I can seem to find is to subscribe to their fucking Apple Music channel. No more one-time purchases without a subscription. What? Really? Is this possible? Why can’t I find it? Where the fuck is the option? I don’t want to stream, I don’t want it for free, I just want to buy it! This is annoying, this is confusing. Fuck Apple Music, I think it’s time I tried ILLEGAL PIRATING. [BLEEP!]
M Hello, this is in response to the guy complaining about HOMELESS PEOPLE, calling them worthless, telling them to get a job like he did. Listen, not everyone is as lucky as you, not everyone has the same state of mental health as MAYBE you do. Or maybe you don’t, and you’ll be back on the streets sooner or later looking for some help or just a small bit of EMPATHY. Which yes, is signified by giving someone less fortunate than yourself a small bit of CHANGE. One thing I’ve noticed is that you never know who is going to give a homeless person change. I mean, usually I give some money, but you know, not always. Sometimes I don’t have any change, or sometimes I’m in my own world and can’t be bothered to stop, or the homeless person is INVISIBLE to me. But usually I do, and I also notice who else is giving change, and you know what, you never know. Sometimes it can be an old rich guy, sometimes a housewife or a secretary, sometimes a student, sometimes a truck driver, there is no type. Just the type who has empathy. Which is obviously not you dude, which I find very strange since you were on the streets yourself. [BLEEP!]
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